Firefly Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 I am in love with a wonderful guy. We get along great and i love being with him. But i find myself thinking about the last guy i dated and I'm not sure why. This new guy is/has everything great the the last guy was plus even more. So why do i keep thinking about this other guy? I feel bad, i know i would be a little upset if i knew he was thinking about an ex of his...does anyone have any insight for me???
Skittles Posted December 2, 2003 Posted December 2, 2003 If your current boyfriend was thinking about his ex, as you say, what do you think that might mean. Well, maybe that applies to your situation as well. Perhaps you are still in love with contestant #1?
mintjulep Posted December 16, 2003 Posted December 16, 2003 It has been four years since I broke up with the first guy I ever loved, and sometimes I still think about him, even though I'm in a happy and commited relationship. I even did the whole "calling him to see if there might still be something there" thing once, when the relationship I'm currently in was new, even though we had broken up over two years prior to that. I also think about the other ex - the one after who broke my heart, and sometimes I think of the wonderful times we had together, but then I remember we broke up for a reason. If you love someone, you never FORGET them But if you're still in love with someone, you shouldn't commit yourself to someone else. You definitely need closure, or you need to get back together with him. I wasn't completely happy with my life until I got that closure, and I still love the ex, but I'll never be in love with him again. And that's the difference.
Author Firefly Posted December 18, 2003 Author Posted December 18, 2003 First off...thank you for all your input, but now i have a whole other problem...tonight we had what i would call the most amazing date ever (it was like something right out of the movies) but for some reason things just feel wrong...I think maybe i am more in love with the idea of being in love than actually in love with him (if that makes any sense). Anyway, i don't really understand why because seriously we seem so perfect for eachother...maybe this is what a "rebound relationship" is??? I feel sooooo confused right now...i'm really starting to hate relationships...just when you think you have things figured out and all is well...BAM...something happens and you're back to not knowing what to do.
jmargel Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 How long have you been broken up from your ex? And why did you two split? I was engaged awhile back, and she treated me really bad. Its been 4 years since the breakup, and I took those years to clear out my head. I dated some, but nothing serious. I found a wonderful woman and very much in love. However I still think about my ex (usually once or twice a week) and I still have quite a few pictures of us. Actually last night I was going to throw them all away, but when I looked at them I just couldnt. We didnt talk for 3 years until this past summer when she came over to apologize for everything she said to me. When I looked at her, I had no feelings for her. It was kinda weird, knowing in the past I loved her with all my heart & now she's sitting in front of me and I have no feelings. However when I look back on my ex, I don't look at all the mental & verbal abuse I got from her. I realize I have a big heart & when I look back I tend to remember the good memories. I came to the conclusion that she truly wasn't for me. In that right now I can't imagine my life without my current gf. You have to remember the reasons why you two broke up. I think you might want to look into counciling as well. When you are with someone a long time there is an attachment, always wondering the 'what ifs..' Don't drag your current bf through anything you aren't serious about. Its NOT fair to him. My gf was with her ex for 8 years, so I told her i'm letting her deal with the situation her way, in that i'm trusting her. She still calls him from time to time, which is fine since its better for her to realize that yes it is finally over and she can get the closure she needed. However there is a time limit on how appropirate that is. Can you imagine yourself without your current bf? Is it worth the risk to lose him for another chance at your ex that you know probably wouldn't work?
Guest Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 This new guy is/has everything great the the last guy was plus even more. Obviously, you and the last guy connected in a magical way, something you cant get by "getting more" it doesnt work that way.
DonTomaso Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 Hi.... sorry about your situation. I think my ex went through the same thing that you are going through. She told me a few times when we dated that she still thought about and missed her ex bf. I sort of dismissed it bc I was having fun with her and I didn't really want to make a big deal out of it. In retrospect, I should have talked about it with her. When we broke up, she went running back to her ex bf which totally killed me. The warning signs were on the wall. Answer the following questions for me: 1. Do you still talk to you ex? 2. If so, does he call you or do you call him? 3. Did you break up with you or did you break up with him? I think the answers to these questions are important bc it is possible he is still exericing some control over you even though you don't even know it. If you are still speaking with him, I would stop it immediately unless you want to cause HUGE problems in your current relationship. If you have not spoken to yor ex in a long time, but still feel very strongly for him, then you need to reassess the situation. Perhaps you could give us some more details about your break-up. It sounds liek the guy you are with is wonderful, so I would assess the situation very carefully before making any rash moves or even mentioning this to him. I could see myself entering a relationship with an wonderful woman and still think about my ex sometimes, but I would never mention it to her. What purpose would it serve other than making her jealous? Cheers.
Author Firefly Posted December 18, 2003 Author Posted December 18, 2003 jmargel-I've been broken up from my ex for only 3 or 4 months now. We split because he just wanted to be firends for a while...which totaly killed me because i loved him so much. Hmmm, i'm not sure i can picture myself without my new guy...yes and no in a way. On one hand it would be nice to not have all these nagging feelings wondering if im doing the right thing, but on the other hand, we met 2 months ago and haven't been able to spend one day apart from eachother. I did have a very "magical" connection with my ex....maybe I'm just basing my new relationship on that feeling which obviously isn't there. DonTomaso- I don't really talk to my ex other than a quick hello online maybe once a week or once every other week, and ususally we only talk for a few min. just to see how eachother is doing.
yes Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 i think it all comes down to having closure - the confidence that you're never going to be with your ex again in this life, because you don't want to. if you have that, your ex's are past of your past, and it's fine to think of them - i mean i think of all kinds of memories all the time. but if the ex's in the past, present, and possibly future - you're kidding yourself about being in love with your current bf. although - it is possible to be in love w/ several people at once i guess ... good luck, -yes
DonTomaso Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 Well.. I think you need to do one of two things: 1. Sever all contact with your ex. It's not fair to your current boyfriend to be talking to your ex at all, especially since he broke up with you. To me, it seems like you might be using your current boyfriend to win back your ex. This is totally wrong if this is the case. You are just using your current bf to get back at or get back your ex. 2. Break up with your current bf for the above mentioned reasons. You may only be talking to him once every few weeks, but that does not make it right or fair. Of course, if you decide to sver contact with your ex, only do it b/c you truly want to be with your current bf. Don't do it to make your ex jealous. You have put yourself in a predicament and only you can pull yourslef out of it.
Author Firefly Posted December 18, 2003 Author Posted December 18, 2003 ...and what a predicament it is too. I'm not doing anything to make anyone jealous, i'm not even trying to win back my ex. He sent me a text message a couple weeks ago saying that he had made a mistake in letting me go, but I am with someone else now, and I'm not one to drop one guy for someone else. I honestly want to be with my new guy...like i said earlier, we seem perfect for eachother. I just don't have that magic feeling with my new guy like i had with my ex. I still miss my ex, but i think i miss our firendship that we had more than anything. I supose it's ok to think about him because he was a big part of my life for a while, and im guessing that thoughts of him will happen less and less as time goes on. Hmmm, I guess i keep thinking about him so much because i'm wishing i had the same "spark" in my new relationship as my old one.
DonTomaso Posted December 18, 2003 Posted December 18, 2003 I totally hear what you are saying. There must be moments when your relationship feels magical with the new guy. If not, then you should take some time to reassess yourself. Maybe you should tell the new guy that you need 1 week or so without any contact. If you miss him a lot during that period, then call him when the week is up and make a go of it. Fall in love and have a good time. Just don't talk to your ex during this time. I wish I could give you the answer... it is possible that you are also doing this to protect yourself. You now know that your ex wishes he could have you back so you could always go back to him if this new guy breaks up with you. It's sort of empowering. Again, this might be totally unitentional, but people create saftey blankets all the time, even when they don't know it. Wishing you and your "wonderful bf" the best...Cheers
Author Firefly Posted December 18, 2003 Author Posted December 18, 2003 DonTomaso- thank you so much for your kind words of advice...i think this is one that im just going to have to see how things pan out...i like you idea of no contact for a week...i think i will try that after the hollidays are over, i know he will be ok with the idea. He's already told me to do what i need to do...I've thought of it before but never went through with it...but i really think i need to. Thanks again!
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