coruscate Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 And I'm just asking for thoughts on the present day stuff. I'm including the whole history so you understand us. And I think, this story will help you understand why I understand "Him." (the ex) I don't talk about him until the present day stuff. ========== Before you read any of this, yeah I'll admit it's "sad" in many parts. I realize this. Truly sad. I'm 33 right now, so keep that in mind. 13 years ago when I was 20, living near San Diego I ran into a 17 year old girl living near Oakland at the time. We met on-line. We'll call her Mrs.X we fell in love. I was a geek who didn't get much attention, a few days later we "married" ourselves on the phone (we were (and still are) neo pagan). ((Never legally registered it but it remained in efffect for us for years)) (I'm white-ish latino she's black, BTW, same for her friend, black.) Relationship went on, we tried cyber-sex (today I yawn, then it was like wow!). She ran a little too hot and it'd be months before I got there she was "dying" from it, got a crush on a young guy, and I told her that if she wanted to, I'd trust her to have a fling with this other guy I loved her so much. So she did. Then she fell for him. We started nearing a breakup and one night just absolutely full of mental despair I crossed the border and lost my virginity to a prostitute. She knew and understood, I just didn't have the money to get up there and was just losing it one night. We still continued a few weeks. She cut it with me because she thought it was unfair but we kept talking. Then her best friend (the sleepover party, pre-puberty length of time friend), having observed the dedication, decided she'd save me for herself. I was and am thankful to this day for her kindness. Unfortunately I let my baser instincts get the better of me, and I saw Mrs. X on the side just before she introduced me to her friend. And then she insisted we continue this tryst. So basically for five years, about every six weeks I'd track it out to her area in my car, one single 10 hour drive to spend a few days with my girlfriend. I think I only came to see Mrs. X by herself maybe 2 or 3 times, but usually I'd see one, I'd see the other. I hate lying, I'd just avoid the topic of cheating (hard considering Bill Clinton was president), but as far as Mrs.X and I go, we have never lied to each other. And yes cheating is nasty, screwed up and YOU WILL BE PUNISHED EVEN AFTER YOU "ESCAPE," TRUST ME!!! *cough* Anyway, Initially she insisted we continue, there was a threat at first, then it subsided. And during that five years we'd flip flop positions as to who was pressing for it... we both did. There was a good year lull at one point. And she even married another man about 3 years in (Filipino dude). Strangely enough, he loved Mrs. X the same way I did, and he knew were seeing each other! Even encouraged it and told her she should dump him and wrangle me away. During this time to the girlfriend wanted to get married, and I didn't want to until the truth was out. There was a time early on where I definitely wanted to marry my girlfriend. But as we got older she changed a bit into a bit of someone else I wasn't too comfortable with, we'd argue and I started to fall more and more in love with the idea of staying with Mrs. X. And during this time there were some extended stays of the GF in southern Cali with me. My former girlfriend here I won't describe since it's not about her. She was a good person, due to my position I won't complain it's not my place to. I finally got sick of being a liar and broke the news to her myself. Typical breakdown, except on the advice of my friend I did not let her "whip" me and let me pause here and mention this is not p*****whipping I'm talking about. This is, okay you've done X and you are responsible for X, but don't let her call you a dog for life. You're not a dog, you are what you are, now decide what you're going to do, and do it. And I basically went for open dating because I wasn't giving up Mrs. X. So girlfriend dumped me and moved on. It turned out to be a psychological trick, because she expected me to chase after her and change my ways. Found that out the next day. I had at that point given my word to Mrs.X, so she was my new girlfriend and that's how things go. The shock of what I had done put my ex-girlfriend on therapy meds, and we talked for a few months, and went silent. Mrs. X and the ex-gf broke ways and didn't mend ways again till last year. And of course, she hates my guts, it's her right I'd never deny it and would not expect her to ever like me again except under the most ridiculously impossible of circumstances. (Nobel Prize for saving 3,000 orphans from a burning airplane). As far as Mrs. X, she thought it meant marriage. I had just given myself the shock of the century ending all that crap, and was a little too head confident, didn't go for marriage, and because of a business venture my partners and I were starting up, got overconfident on the income and basically... I shoved her away. I think psychologically I was just tired of the crap, and just wanted to be free of the relationship. We did live together for about six months after that decision, we still loved each other and tried to make it work. But I made some stupid decisions and her previous husband had already ruined her credit... so she bailed. I still say I respect her decision to do so. She moved back to the bay area. We talked for about six months, we'd discuss things. I've always had a thing for her, so I'd talk about getting back together but I wasn't respectful in my language. (literally disrespectful, not cussing or threatening,) so we had one good argument where I wrote a hand written letter that I was so proud of because I finally figured out what had caused our relationship to fail (HA HA HA HA! No I didn't) and she told me to hike off. Six months later she tried to contact me, but I had changed ISPs and she had forgotten and kept forgetting for a number of years. About... 4 1/2 years later, she finds my contact info. ======== During that 4 1/2 year break I had a few dates with a co-worker or two, some offers I wouldn't take if I was puke-level-drunk and two sexual encoutners. One with a co-worker. One a year and a half ago with a prostitute (second and last time.) I had at that point, hit the point where I was having severe mental issues that I had not even been that close to a woman in years that I just had to do it or lose my mind. I wish it wasn't that bad but it was. I still don't like prostitution, and I'd only go again if I'd been through that much hell again. I hate being overlooked / stuck in areas with no night life and hardly any single women (Karma, karma) And I'm not ugly! I'm just shy and can never really seem to connect with people except at work and most of them are taken. (And I don't have a religious group or major outgoing social group to help) (part of the reason I chose to stay in that double situation, I was getting showered with levels of attention I never got!) ======== So here's the present day, coming from that point on. In spite of the lying and who was lied to, Mrs. X isn't a liar by nature and neither am I, matter of fact I insist on being more honest. The only exception is if you're a truly evil person then I will promise you a million dollars at the end of a trail and send you into a ditch filled with rattlesnakes 8^) After she couldn't find me a few months after we stopped talking, or somewhere around the time she hooked up with another young black man, 20ish I think at the time. He didn't tell her he had four other children by four other women and a previous marriage that was not officially divorced. She thought he was a decent person and they dated. And she is a good judge of character. *shrug* As time went on they lived together and he started acting more like a 50 cent wannabe, so she moved to Nevada with him hoping family would help it recede. He got worse. She moved to South Dakota with other family, he got worse. She never knew her biological dad. Her mother died from a heart attack. Her stepfather died soon after that. She broke up. Dated another guy. They got back together and bang, she's pregnant. ((And I understand, her age, loneliness. We're both going through the same thing. I desperately want kids right now.)) He insisted it's the other guys, they all know it's his. He insisted she name it after him or he wouldn't sign the birth certificate. Since then, her life has become absolute hell (Karma for her, unfortunately). His ugly truths have come out. He's never esolved the marriage. He's under threat of going to jail for not paying his child support constantly. He starts to call her b**** and and a bad mother when he will not get a job. THE CHILD IS TWO NOW!!!! He will still not get a job because he doesn't want ot pay child support. It got so bad last year that she had to pay his child support to get him out of jail so she could watch their baby (mis-watch, he plays video games). They broke up a year ago, and she moved but couldn't find a roomie, so he is living with her but not sleeping with her. Again, she's honest. She says that's how it is, that's how it is. Plus his brother keeps trying to get into her panties, PHYSICALLY, like call the cops or in a normal family where the men aren't raised to be misogynst jerks the rest of the family comes into the room and grabs the perpretator by their hands and arms and starts breaking bones and chipping teeth. Not rape no hitting, no punching, but definitely into "@$$ kicking is fair" ground. He, meaning her ex, is not violent. It's never come to that, and she's made it clear to him that she'll kill him in his sleep if he does. Also. Take that as honest to goddess truth. Same reason I'd never touch her. Now she's in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Currently I'm on the Olympic Peninsula in Washington. We both graduated high school and have some college. I've been working on my business venture, but I'm about to put it to "working hobby" status because I can't wait the rest of my life to have a career, a family, a house, etc. I've been working odd jobs up until now, and recently fast food because I'm in a place out here where it's either that or change bedpans. I just wanted play money. She's been working 100 hours a week because she doesn't have a roomte and he won't get a job. She, even to this day right now where she's just the jerk who won't get a job, has tried and tried to get him to wake up and act right. He won't even play with his kid and constantly bad mouths her. He even does the midnight phone checks and lies about the babysitter calling and saying the child is up, crap, constant crap. Jealous crap. He even says it "I'm a jealous man!" And his mother is the only good person in the family. There are no women and "women are b***** who wash, cook and work" is literally the family mantra. Not word for word. Brothers and father, 100%. His mother is just a meek woman pounded to death (not physically! Just her soul) by men who don't care. Even her own children, mangled because she let that man raise them. I hate to say it, but the men in that family are the worst negative stereotype of black men. Even his mother said that of her own son "he's a typical black man." Her words, verbatim, not mine. I was so dis-believing of what I heard I even ran a double check on what she said by my mentor (another black dude) just to make sure I wasn't "hearing" s*** wrong. During this year and a half, we've talked of future possibles because we do love each other. She's been my best partner and vice versa. But I've been waiting on my venture, and have been out here. She can barely call me since she's working, but she usually does when she's stressed out or needs a friendly voice. I've always been able to tell she still likes me. She's even kept her wedding ban on from her previous marriage just to keep other guys off of her. Not for me, but because she's sick of being chased by men and she wants desperately to focus just on raising her baby. I've been wanting to play the field, but I hate the game so much that I've given up on it. And since I'm moving my stuff to "hobby" status it's time for me to move on. I've always viewed a job as something that supports your lifestyle. Though you should do what you like. I've viewed college as just what's necessary to get to your lifestyle. After 4 years of college to get a "good job" I'll be 37 years old, women my age will have already had all their kids and younger women are only attracted to men under certain conditions. And if you think it's selfish to want my own kids, I'll just say I aimed VERY, VERY high in life and so far I'm not getting anything out of it. (And of course, yes I screwed myself over at one point, obviously) So at the very least, I'd like to have my own kids. It's the least life can do for me for all the crap I've been put through, and especially if my talents are going to rot because I'm not related to some other *******. (So many industries are closed in America...) So... knowing I love her, and that I'd go all out for her and have before... and seeing that even in all this GARBAGE she's not even being mean to him? (They have fought though, he won't hit her and she even bit him hard enough to draw blood.) I proposed to her. Yes in e-mail, obviously we're not face to face. Nothing new to us, and she knows my word is gold to her. I'll give up the game, do it for life, not walk away, take total responsability for this child and every one out of it. I told her all of my reasons, way the hell more thoroughly than you see here. And who's to blame for the breakup? *raises hand* ME! We've talked about it, and she's positive on the idea of getting married. She knows I won't back out. Keep in mind I have not been given the official yes, and there are still spots where I can see a no come in, and they scare me. Now here's where it gets tough. She doesn't want to temporarily stay with my parents, I don't blame her. So we need to move out, out if we move out together. I told her straight out that this was a me and her thing, and since she has the better job (tech support, 10 an hour) and because of what I did before (mis manage the household when it was "mine.") that she can have absolute reign of the household, income, child's religion, etc. So nowhere in here is anything about my convenience, in fact I know she's going to want to stay in Sioux Falls. My first worry is the biological father. He hasn't shown any violent tendencies, and Mrs. X is sure that he's trying to see other girls since they stopped having sex. He's constantly running around town buying and smoking weed, and he tends to eat up the best food real quick with no regards for anyone else. So I'm hoping he won't be jealous and will just move onto another young life to destroy, and leave my hopefully-wife to be alone. Now Sioux Falls isn't huge... but it's as least as big as some San Diego suburbs so there's enough room for me to be hard to find. He's not a gun toter, he just thinks he's a "thug" but I wouldn't put it past him to mess with my car, or perhaps try to attack me once to scare me away. I'm thinking not though. I'm hoping, HOPING it's all about having her pay his bills and that's why he's a "jealous man." The minute she gets a BF he's gone and has to pay his own child support again. And if he doesn't get aggro, his family won't on it's own, though I'd hate to fight him, win and then have to have his brothers sneaking up on me. And I'm sure Mrs. X will make it clear to him that if he goes nuts he's gone forever and won't see his kid again. I know that'll happen. In ways she cares for him, but as a "brother" and not the favorable brother. The "sick of your brother" kind of sibling. I'm not too worried about raising a kid other than being IGNORANT of the whole process. Sooner or later I will be forced to learn anyway. Not too worried about jobs, but I know it's not going to be easy. Since my life is going to be family first, I don't care what I do from this point forward. My greatest fear is that she's going to decline because she doesn't want to hurt the father (she's a very kind person!) and is hoping he'll turn around. She's been telling me for months she wants another kid and it's not fair she has to find someone else because he's no good. She doesn't want to be considered a slut. Then she, like me, had her "oh #$@# nothing good will ever happen to me moment" a few months ago and started blabbing about maybe she'd just snag one more off of him and run so at least her kids would be from the same guy. In everything I wrote I've argued and counterargued things a million different ways. She used to tell me that p**** was p**** when I overemphasized being with all sorts of women to "have experience" when I was younger and when she talked about maybe getting that next kid from the jerk she even said a child is just a child. Which is right, but then if that's the case... why should a child make you a "slut" because the first guy was a filthy liar? Also, you have a guy that's "whupped" from the minute he's stepping in the door, giving you his check letting you run the house? Who looks down on that? So yeah, we have spoke, and she does want to. It's hurting him and dealing with him that's on her mind. When I proposed, they had a small family get together, after which half the family left her and one other adult with 7 kids counting her own. The proposal went down then. And now he's back. The family will be gone in a week or two, and that's when I expect some things may get put into motion. Until then, here's what I did. I paid her $100 out of my last paycheck so she could get some clothes. I told her from now to December for sure, since I told her January is when I'd like us to start moving towards this marriage thing, she's getting $100 per check period, and then I'm saving the additional for a move out, and told her she could have any part of it for any reason all she has to do is ask. And I know she will pay me back if this doesn't work out. She's honest. I told her I would not ask for it back, and just chalk it up to good karma. One of the reasons I chose this marriag thing is because of the game, I'm scared of running into an evil partner. I've had many family members hurt through divorces through ugly s***. Throwing away the child's toy to get back at the parent, false meth use accusations, god. Seen a lot. But she's an honest person, and doesn't have an evil streak. That if anything is one of the chief reasons. And on a final note, I did once, about ten years ago promise her that if we broke up and some other dude screwed up her life and left her hanging with a kid to give me a call and we'd get back together. But I don't view this as just fulfilling that, but it is kinda nice in retrospect. So, say anything you want. I need to blab since even getting a yes is going to take weeks, and I've already outlayed my mood. I told her "I feel like a cranky baby that hasn't been held." "I need a relationship like I need oxygen." She feems somewhat similar since she's avoided sex in a year "I just miss being held." I've done these waiting games a lot with her over these 13 years, they never get any easier and I'm tired of being wrung through the wringer. If she turns me down I'm going to wind up having to take a vacation outside of the country just to find some friendly female faces somewhere. My frustration level has hit the point where some days my anger / despair levels do nothing but peak all $@#ing day long. It's not like women hate me, just getting to know someone cold? No prior reason to be there? Mission #$@#ing impossible. And I'm very, VERY, VERY lonely right now. Nearing mental breakdown level for sure. Even having someone thinking that positively of me right now is comforting. Hell, her calling me, just calling me when she first did was comforting. And yes, I am more than a little bit scared of moving to Sioux Falls with no impressive job resume or college to back up this family play I'll be making if she says yes.
Author coruscate Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Things are going good so far, I've sent her an additional round of helping cash (I jokingly call it my child support) and some money for her birthday. He does nothing but complain about any money she spends, even on HIS cell phone. So her response? She's cutting it off. I figure the more help she gets the more independant she's going to grow from this guy, so I take this as a very positive sign.
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