FeelingLonely98 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Don’t know if you’ve read my main post … à After 16 yrs together and 7 yrs marriage the stbxw began her MLC 6 weeks ago telling me she wants independence and loves me but is not in love with me - - - Said she hasn’t been in love for years. Not True … We had some incredible loving moments just in the last few months (May & June). She just got to the point where it wasn’t good enough anymore & the MLC kicked in and then the OM showed up to make her feel good. Of course as is usual with the ilybinilwy line, there was the OM. Or should say OB!!?? My 47 yr old stbxw found an 18 yr old OB to make her “feel good”. UGH! Left to live with MOM 4 weeks ago. Mean while she’s running all over town with OB, having s.ex with OB, and 2 days ago said she is moving into an apt. with OB. Anyways, refused to go to MC, refused to stay home and “TRY” to work it out, ETC. I am a really good guy, have made some reparations for a few minor issues I had – not change who I am but to make myself better. Lost 30 lbs, began working out, getting out more with family, buying new clothes to fit my sleeker physique and make myself feel good, … bottom line I am 180ing and feeling better. In spite of ALL this I still love her more than ever (pathetic, huh?) and would take her back today to start working on us if she wanted to. (Of course, with stipulations, she has to RERALLY want it, we have to have a plan, take it slow, ...) I am moving forward as if there is less than 1% chance of this however. I have the D papers ready and I am now packing her stuff. She only wants her belongings, and what she bought (which is not much beyond her belongings) I am not doing this to be mean, just so I can move on and get into a better place. It is both cathartic and painful packing this stuff up!!. Any advice ... I am still in pain and so lonely. When all her cr@p is out of here will I feel better?
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I was there, most painful thing I ever had to do, sifting through memories and mementos of 13 years together. My story is very much like yours. My best advice is don't do it alone. Invite some friends or family over to help and support you while you do it. Also, replace anything you take away, there is nothing more painful then coming home to bare walls and empty shelves as a constant reminder. Rearrange things to fill the space. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hi So sorry to hear what your wife has done to you, and believe me this was done to you, this has to be the worst case of an OM I have ever heard. Will you feel better when her stuff is gone? Probably not, I'm sorry to say, it's not that simple and this is still very early days. Myself, I am 7 months in and I promise you it does get easier. On that note a piece of advice if I may? Prepare yourself! Right now you would take her back b/c your feelings of love for her are so strong. My guess is she will be back! She's in MLC, the 18 year old will soon get bored and she will come to her senses and come running back (probably). You won't always feel the way you do now, ( I know you don't believe me, I wouldn't have 7 months ago), the time will come where you will still love her but you will also realise that MLC or not she knows what she is doing, she is responsible for her behaviour and she knows how much she is hurting you. For those reasons, although you will still love her, you will not want her back in your life. So, like I said prepare yourself, you're going to need strength, b/c from your post here, you deserve better! Here's a link to a great MLC website www.marriageadvocatesmidlifecrisis.com it deals mainly with men in MLC, but also applies to women. There are some great articles in there to help you cope as well. Keep posting, we're here for you and we know how you feel (my ex and I were together 18 years, he turned out to be commitment phobic, jilted me!)
seibert253 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Great to see you're moving forward. But ask yourself this, when the "kid" gets bored and dumps her like yesterday's trash, what's gonna happen? You gonna move backward and take her back, or go forward. It all depends on how she is I guess. If she's truly sorry, remorseful, and does 100% what's necessary, IE: couseling, NC, true transparency, don't know, can't answer thatone myself. I truly don't know what I'd do if I were you. But I know this, in order for you to heal, you need to plan as if she's not coming back. That way, a year from now when she shows up at your doorstep, you are in the drivers seat. You get to choose, yes come in, or sorry your chance to come home has come and gone. Whatever you do, stay strong to you, because that's all that matters now. Peace,
tojaz Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Great advice Seibert, thats something we all need to keep in the back of our minds. They say they always come crawling back. I personally can't wait for that day to come, and it ain't to hold the door for her! TOJAZ
giantfan Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I sort of am in the same boat. 17 years of marriage and I got the same line love you not in love with you. To my wifes credit we are trying mc.She says that it is not helping her but it is helping me tremendous. I dont know if my w is in a MLC but facebook reconnections have helped her realize that everyone else is out having fun but her. What a crock of you know what. The grass always looks greener if you ask me. I did all the things that the jilted one does like saying how much I love you a million times. One thing for sure is that mc for me is helping me deal with my emotions, but it is also making me realize how much I did for her and that I dont deserve what is happening. I never cheated, dont drink dont go out with my buddies, my life is dedicated to her and my kids. MC and my emotions have me feeling right now anyway that if this doesnt work out, I dont think that I would give her another chance especially if she decided to separate and then run back to me. All this crap is just too much pain for the one left behind. I really dont think that things would ever be the same after what your w has done to you and can you really look yourself in the mirror and say that it would be the way you really want it? You may think it can be great again but for me I dont think I would want it. I love my w and want to grow old together, have grand kids and all the good things in life. If I ever found out that she did what your w has done, never ever would I take her back.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 On that note a piece of advice if I may? Prepare yourself! Right now you would take her back b/c your feelings of love for her are so strong. My guess is she will be back! She's in MLC, the 18 year old will soon get bored and she will come to her senses and come running back (probably). You won't always feel the way you do now, ( I know you don't believe me, I wouldn't have 7 months ago), the time will come where you will still love her but you will also realise that MLC or not she knows what she is doing, she is responsible for her behaviour and she knows how much she is hurting you. For those reasons, although you will still love her, you will not want her back in your life. So, like I said prepare yourself, you're going to need strength, b/c from your post here, you deserve better! Here's a link to a great MLC website www.marriageadvocatesmidlifecrisis.com it deals mainly with men in MLC, but also applies to women. There are some great articles in there to help you cope as well. Keep posting, we're here for you and we know how you feel (my ex and I were together 18 years, he turned out to be commitment phobic, jilted me!) Thanks Lisa - Good Advice. I already feel like in a few weeks or months at the most (especially with the upcoming holidays!) I will be in the state where it will be very hard for me to take her back. (Be Strong I keep telling myself) also, the website didn't work. Could you check it again for me? THANKS!~!
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I was there, most painful thing I ever had to do, sifting through memories and mementos of 13 years together. My story is very much like yours. My best advice is don't do it alone. Invite some friends or family over to help and support you while you do it. Also, replace anything you take away, there is nothing more painful then coming home to bare walls and empty shelves as a constant reminder. Rearrange things to fill the space. TOJAZ Thanks Tojaz. Always good kind words from you!
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Great advice Seibert, thats something we all need to keep in the back of our minds. They say they always come crawling back. I personally can't wait for that day to come, and it ain't to hold the door for her! TOJAZ Yes Seibert - Good Words. I really don't know what I'd do if she came back soon. You know - She is really not much of a catch at all. Not very educated, no skills, does out-dated clerical type jobs, didn't really do much housework (I cooked, did laundry, ... & I hired a housekeeper), I made like 2 & 1/2 times her salary, she was always about 20-25 lbs. overweight (thought that NEVER bothered me), ... she was very pretty for a mid-40s lady, good in bed (not everything I know), and could be very sweet when she was happy. However, most would probably consider her not much of a catch. But I did, & I loved her probably WAY too much.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I sort of am in the same boat. 17 years of marriage and I got the same line love you not in love with you. ... You may think it can be great again but for me I dont think I would want it. I love my w and want to grow old together, have grand kids and all the good things in life. If I ever found out that she did what your w has done, never ever would I take her back. Thanks giantfan - something for me to think about ... (Good year for the Giants, eh?)
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Great advice Seibert, thats something we all need to keep in the back of our minds. They say they always come crawling back. I personally can't wait for that day to come, and it ain't to hold the door for her! TOJAZ OK - I seriously wonder about something ... I haven't been thru this - you guys have (well, some of you have - and those are the ones I really want to hear from). When the ex-W or ex-H (or seperated, not necessarily ex) "comes back" - how do they do it? What was it like? What did they say? What did you do? How did it play out? Sorry so many questions, but I can't stop thinking about it!!! (I will probably post this seperately in another forum - "second chances" to get further input.)
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I think your doing the right thing. I mean she doesnt live there anymore plus she abandoned you. why should you keep her stuff around. I think you should file if you havent already. Detach and move on.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I think your doing the right thing. I mean she doesnt live there anymore plus she abandoned you. why should you keep her stuff around. I think you should file if you havent already. Detach and move on. CB: I have the paperwork started. THANKS! A reconciliation is independent of a D, right? If WE decided to reconcile, it should not matter if we are D or separated, eh?
tojaz Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Yes Seibert - Good Words. I really don't know what I'd do if she came back soon. You know - She is really not much of a catch at all. Not very educated, no skills, does out-dated clerical type jobs, didn't really do much housework (I cooked, did laundry, ... & I hired a housekeeper), I made like 2 & 1/2 times her salary, she was always about 20-25 lbs. overweight (thought that NEVER bothered me), ... she was very pretty for a mid-40s lady, good in bed (not everything I know), and could be very sweet when she was happy. However, most would probably consider her not much of a catch. But I did, & I loved her probably WAY too much. Love is not measured by salary, looks, or what she did for you, and no reason to sell her short here. As long as you loved her for the right reasons is all that matters. This is going to be pain like you've never imagined, I won't lie, but the most important thing to take away from this is your integrity. If you ever loved her, love her right to the end. It dosen't matter how she measures up in others eyes, she is your wife. Sorry your marriage might be over, but honor it's memory and remember why you married her in the first place. Part of moving on is being able to let go with love! (Sorry, bad night for me) TOJAZ
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Love is not measured by salary, looks, or what she did for you, and no reason to sell her short here. As long as you loved her for the right reasons is all that matters. This is going to be pain like you've never imagined, I won't lie, but the most important thing to take away from this is your integrity. If you ever loved her, love her right to the end. It dosen't matter how she measures up in others eyes, she is your wife. Sorry your marriage might be over, but honor it's memory and remember why you married her in the first place. Part of moving on is being able to let go with love! (Sorry, bad night for me) TOJAZ Agree - Hope I didn't sound like I was bashing her - actually I meant to do the opposite - most probably wouldn't see her as marriage or partner material but I always did (and still do - for now! --> UGH!!). Was trying to show my love for the stbxw was unconditional - provided the condition didn't include me being dropped for a kid 30 yrs. her junior (!! double UGH!) and basically given the typical MLC lines that we all know - and I won't list here. Very Bad Night For Me As Well TOJAZ. Thanks Good Night!
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 ...I think it does matter. I mean if you get divorced who's to say that when she possibly does start showing you interest you will be interested in her. why would you want to go back to a woman who left you when you needed her the most. Somethings are unforgivable. Even if you forgive, you wont forget. and alot of people once they start hearing about the all the affairs she's had. any rational person in their right mind will start to question your sanity as to why you want her back? And tojaz she is not his wife any longer. She forfeited that right when she abandoned him. MLC, OM, OOM, whatever. she knew what she was doing. and she did it anyway.
Aksion Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I refused to pack her stuff for her. When she left she took as much as she could, I then told her to come get the rest while I was at work. No reason for me to have to be miserable and help her move out of my life as well. Hardest thing for me was removing all of the pictures of us from the walls/computer. Really thought I was gonna lose it there, but I held up. Don't have too much advice for you, I've just been spending more time with my family and more time in the gym. Sorta keeps me sane and blocks her out of my mind for a while.
Gunny376 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Men and women's brains are literally 'hard wired' differently. While this isn't a very good analogy to describe a very complex subject ~ men are more prone to the logical and women are more prone to the emotional way of thinking? The trouble with both men and women is that they're all the same? And they're all different. A paradox. The absolute truth about men and women? There are no absolutes. Its tough being a woman in Western society. Both men and women are and have been feed cultural and societal myths, fallacies and outright lies about what it is to be a man or a woman. Throw in some religious guilt from birth ~ and whoo~whoo? You find yourself stumbling and fumbling your way into the closest liquor store telling the clerk, "Just give me two fifths of anything your got!" Your perhaps going through and probably are going through a MLC + what I call "HISGI" (Have I Still Got It) syndrome? The worse case I've seen of it was a woman who was a HB10 (Hot Babe X 10) back in the day, in her fifties and sixties out scrogging any and everything younger than she was. After three sons, and forty years of marriage. Take a fool's advice. Let it go! Anything she's got to offer? You can find just as much with another! Anything she's got to give? You can find just as good with another. When someone leaves you? All it means is that you've got to go out and find yourself someone better.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 About a month after I caught her kissing another man, and I kicked her out she showed up at the door wanting to try again. It was worse than the day I caught her. My emotions were all over the place and off the scale. I was deeply in pain, lost, the "I'm Sorrys" and "I Love Yous" were salve to heal the hurt, all I had to do was say "OK" and part of the pain would be gone. But at the same time, the thoughts of kissing this woman made me want to wretch. Also at the same time, I wanted to physically hurt her. I wanted to kiss her at the same time I wanted to smash in her face. I knew that there was no way I could ever totally trust her again.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I have witnessed 2 MLC's in my life, both had been married about 20 years. Same story "I'm not in love with you" and "I love somebody else" Both moved out, the H moved in with a MOW, and the W moved out on her own wanting a new life and claiming she had an OM. Both eventually returned home, and the marriage lasted another 25 and the other 30 years. My wife made a choice, in both of the MLC cases, I don't think they had a similar choice as my XW had, as the MLC had taken over their brain and their emotions, and they were in a sense helpless as to their actions.
tojaz Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Agree - Hope I didn't sound like I was bashing her - actually I meant to do the opposite - most probably wouldn't see her as marriage or partner material but I always did (and still do - for now! --> UGH!!). Was trying to show my love for the stbxw was unconditional - provided the condition didn't include me being dropped for a kid 30 yrs. her junior (!! double UGH!) and basically given the typical MLC lines that we all know - and I won't list here. Very Bad Night For Me As Well TOJAZ. Thanks Good Night! No, you weren't bashing, just letting you know that a lot of people think it's easier to detach by doing that, start a scortched earth campaign an that does a lot of damge and can burn a lot of bridges in the long run. Just wanted you to know that it's alright to miss her and rant here, we all do it. ...I think it does matter. I mean if you get divorced who's to say that when she possibly does start showing you interest you will be interested in her. why would you want to go back to a woman who left you when you needed her the most. Somethings are unforgivable. Even if you forgive, you wont forget. and alot of people once they start hearing about the all the affairs she's had. any rational person in their right mind will start to question your sanity as to why you want her back? And tojaz she is not his wife any longer. She forfeited that right when she abandoned him. MLC, OM, OOM, whatever. she knew what she was doing. and she did it anyway. Good points Chrome, FL is going to have to decide what he can and can't accept when/if she comes back, then it will be on his terms. Your right in some things are unforgiveable, but we all have a different threshold for that, just as, although she betrayed him, she will be his wife until either she takes the legal steps to force him out of her lifecor he decides to move on, and remove her from his, that decision is his as well. TOJAZ
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 ... she will be his wife until either she takes the legal steps to force him out of her lifecor he decides to move on, and remove her from his, that decision is his as well. TOJAZ I have already initiated D papers and will have them ready soon. We are doing it ourselves. No lawyers. Though I did consult one. She wants no alimony & only wants her possesions and belongings. As hard as it is I am packing her cr*p up these days.
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