AllHallowsGhos Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hey all! First off, I'm gay. Until today, I had a boyfriend for 1 year....were both 22. The thing is, it was a long distance relationship, he lives in the UK, I live in Germany. It was the true love for both of us, we visited each other...until today. After a long talk we got to the conclusion that his love had changed a bit, that it's changed a bit to a "friend" love instead of a lover love, because of the distance, the paranoia of both of us, and he said the physical side was just missing, being close with each other etc...I was devastated. He is my everything, we chatted every day, went on webcam everyday....my whole life was revolving around him. Now...its over. We had planned a few days in Paris in December, too. Well, after the first shock we both agreed on staying very good friends, he said I was still his best friend and that he still loves me, and will always love me, just in a changed way. He also said we will still chat everyday, or often, and we could also cam several times per week. And the thing is...I would love to. I know many people say its best to not see the other one for some time...but I think not seeing him would make my depression worse. I somehow feel that talking to him regularly would be better. Is that good or bad? We also decided that we will wait a bit until we cancel the trip to Paris. As for right now, I wouldnt have a problem with going together with him and sleeping in the double bed. He said he hopes I will have more friendly feelings till then, and not lovey ones, so that he wont raise any hopes inside of me if he hugs me in his sleep or something. He said we will be best friends forever, and I believe him. He is so sorry for his feelings, or rather the change of his feelings and is devastated too. So...what is your advice? How can I slowly reduce my love feelings to just friend feelings? Is there a good way? Thanks a lot in advance.
Tamia78 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hi Hallows, Unfortunately, if you have strong feelings for him now, then you'll have strong feelings later. There's no reducing your feelings to just friendship. How would you be able to do that? He said he hopes I will have more friendly feelings till then, and not lovey ones, so that he wont raise any hopes inside of me if he hugs me in his sleep or something. I don't think this is a good way of thinking. If he hugs you in his sleep, then I think that would only serve to confuse the crap outa you. You can't just turn on/off your feelings like a light switch. If you want to continue to be friends, that's great, if he can keep from confusing you by doing things you used to do when you were together. Does that make sense? --T
JaggedRoad Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 You should cut off all contact with him. It'll drive you insane eventually if you keep talking to him.
Odyssey Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I know that people say that they can be friends with guys even though there's sexual tension there, but I don't buy it! If there is going to be some sexual tension, then that changes the whole relationship. One person is always going to be angling for something more than just friends. You got a thing for him, so you're not his friend! His the object of your feelings. The fact that you want him changes the chemistry of your relationship with him. In fact, even though you don't mean to it, you're putting pressure on him. He won't know if certain things (be it conversation or action) will be leading you on and he'll feel self-conscious. It will put stress this so call 'friendship'. So I think that it's in your best interest to stop staying in contact with him. You may be able to be friends with him at some point, but not now. Breaking up usually works best when the break is clean. For now, don't try to be friends with your ex-bf. Let the healing begin, move on, and see how you feel about a friendship with him after six months or so. Hope this helps.
Author AllHallowsGhos Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 But I feel that he's too much of a great person to stop the contact with him. He was not only my boyfriend, but he is still my best friend too. I think it would hurt too much to not hear from him anymore. Right now I don't feel anger either or anything, I am sad of course, but there's no anger towards him. I just think that I will be more hurt to lose him completely by not talking to him anymore.
JaggedRoad Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Well, no one is going to stop you if you think you can do it. But think about how you'll feel when he finds someone new and tells you about him. Even if you truly are happy for him, you'll probably feel a sharp pain in your heart. Going NC allows you to avoid all of this.
Author AllHallowsGhos Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 I think I do have a healthy attitude towards the friendship. I mean...it's only happened today now. Of course I have a little hope that we might get together again, but I know well that its probably over. It's just been some hours since he told me....so... He says that I am the most important person in his life, and so is he. We've ended the relationship on good terms, so it's worth a try to stay in contact right away. We agreed that if I don't make any progress in the next weeks, we might have to take a break from talking etc. but for now I am trying to think positive about this.
JaggedRoad Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I'm glad you came here after the break-up; I wish I had done the same. Best of luck to you, but don't hold onto any hope.
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