luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 So often dumpers(in this case it so happens to be me) are looked at as the villans. but people fail to realize that sometimes we are just the ones who end up being brave enough to make the call(break up) and/or some of us have been pushed to the point where we can't accept not being happy any longer and are forced to break up. i soooo did not WANT to break up with my ex but why stay if certain issues don't change.then the dumpee wants to start showing actions once the break up occurs...that's the confusing part<<<...really. this is how the confusion (not to be confused w/ game-playing!).why do you wanna change once i break up with you? pls someone tell my why this happens, PLEASE!!!???
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Did you make the other person aware of what changes should have been made? Or did you pull the plug assuming those changes couldn't and wouldn't be made? One of the girls that dumped me in the past got a face full of regret about 5 months after she called it quits. I had been heart broken, and she knew it, but I don't think she expected me to do so much so fast. (I started on a degree I had wanted for a while, got a different job demanding less hours, put another 10 pounds of muscle on my frame, ect.) I will admit though that the confusion she showed after a few months with BS contacts made me assume they were just mind games and I wrote her off. How is a dumpee ever to know what's genuine and what's not genuine? Especially after that trust has been broken. Also, how are we to know that you're not just coming back to us because of a failed rebound? For every question you pose to dumpees, we have a direct response question for the dumpers. =P
westernxer Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 pls someone tell my why this happens, PLEASE!!!??? They're called feelings. Wait, you already said that. LOL
tryagaintoday Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 If you had given a FAIR chance to the dumpee and things didn't change. Then yes, you're indeed brave enough to make the change. But if you didn't, like my ex-fiancee whom ran off with the man she'd an affair with, then pls don't say you're brave or crap like that. Only cowards do that and they're just trying to make themselves feel better. I can still vividly remember on our break up day. I asked her, why didn't she just sit down with me and talk when facing problems or unhappiness. She said she tried many times, she HINTED to me many times! HINT for lord's sake! (Anyway, I may be at the 'bitter' stage now, but I am getting over her day by day;))
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 They're called feelings. Wait, you already said that. LOL so why don't these "feelings" motivate the dumpee prior to the "breakup"?
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Did you make the other person aware of what changes should have been made? Or did you pull the plug assuming those changes couldn't and wouldn't be made? i mentioned the issues to my ex about a month b4 i decided to intially break it off.then we kept contact while he called himself making some changes(all of which it was impossible to make).yet he continued to make promises that he AND I, knew he couldn't keep. he would promise to change one thing but it fell through or he made the promise prematurely w/out making sure it was possible(same thing really:p)so... 3 months later here wwe are,not together.we were communicating until monday,the day after i told him it was it.issues continued to resurface and he became more spiteful is what i observed. he showed obsessive tendancies,but became passive aggressive IMO once i broke up withhim.after he would do something spiteful, he would even say things like "it doesn't feel good does it?" he was referring to me not answering his calls because i was trying hard to not contact him and not mislead him.i told him that. but he persisted! and i felt sorry for him and the whole 9... so no,i had no failed rebound...
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I'll agree. Hints mean two things: jack and squat (woo SNL). If you cared you'd communicate, if not, you were just looking for a out in the relationship. As well as an out in the blame game.
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) i mentioned the issues to my ex about a month b4 i decided to intially break it off.then we kept contact while he called himself making some changes(all of which it was impossible to make) What changes are you talking about? Grow two feet? Lose 80 pounds? Become a cleaning geenie around the house? Demanding changes that you know full well are impossible to make is you being manipulative. Also, your OP shows that you are confused as to why he made the changes after you dumped him. This shows that you may be regretful, spiteful, or even upset. P.S.: Some correct punctuation and line breaks would do you a world of good. I'm no grammar freak, but I know a mess when I see one. Edited October 10, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 If you had given a FAIR chance to the dumpee and things didn't change. Then yes, you're indeed brave enough to make the change. But if you didn't, like my ex-fiancee whom ran off with the man she'd an affair with, then pls don't say you're brave or crap like that. Only cowards do that and they're just trying to make themselves feel better. I can still vividly remember on our break up day. I asked her, why didn't she just sit down with me and talk when facing problems or unhappiness. She said she tried many times, she HINTED to me many times! HINT for lord's sake! (Anyway, I may be at the 'bitter' stage now, but I am getting over her day by day;)) well...you may be a bit bitter, but rightfully so.i feel you completely but that's not what i did. i was faithful to him. i tried to allow some things to change. but honestlyi feel like this...of a person(man) isn't motivated to make certain adjustments w/out me bringing it up, then it's almost no good. he mentioned himself that he wanted to have less job hours to spend more time with me because he would get jealous when i was out places without him. i knew this was necessary,but he mentioned this first not me.i knew it was an issue though. so feeling single while with someone in those regards,is not good for one. he couldn't make the adjustment completely so he said.plus other issues made it difficult to stay with him.i even said during our breakup that i didn't want him to change who he was for me.i told him to be who he was , keep his schedule and all that. i just could make an committment since these issues cannot be resolved. he proposed to me during the first few days of the breakup...i had the ring for a day and told him we needed to take it slow and the "issues" still existed.the ring was not going to change this issues...so he called himself trying to hold onto me i guess or what...what was with the broken promises and ring when the issues still existed. i'm not materialistic, iim real enough to tell him i'd rather have him not sleepwalking through life(he has a son to help support) from working so much, then gifts or money out of guilt... that's where i'm coming from.i feel like i have been defending myself since i posted the fact that i was the dumper...
JaggedRoad Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I think the problem with some dumpers is that they assume and jump to a conclusion/decision prematurely before giving the dumpee a chance to change things himself. But this usually indicates that the dumper has been looking for a way to get out of the relationship and just used whatever excuse he/she could to break-up instead of having the courtesy to be more sincere about it.
Author luvflower Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 What changes are you talking about? Grow two feet? Lose 80 pounds? Become a cleaning geenie around the house? Demanding changes that you know full well are impossible to make is you being manipulative. Also, your OP shows that you are confused as to why he made the changes after you dumped him. This shows that you may be regretful, spiteful, or even upset. thanks for the advice about the grammar.i'm rushing to get all this out and cooking as well. i'm speaking about changes he brought up, like changing his work days...or him being less obsessive with our communication (i brought up)...different things. you're half right and half completely wrong. yes i became upset after i realized he was making broken promises,some of which i didn't ask him to make. then he still expected to hold on to me...no i'm not spiteful. i just want to be happy and at peace. breaking up with him was the plan, but i was silly enough to believe him when he kept promising things to get me back. so duhhhh, of course i'm a bit confused about why someone would want to hold onto something after not keeping their word over and over again.that's why i'm here...you might need to take a bit of the edge off. next time if you can't read it then don't respond.you need to chill out...i didn't dump you...just relax and chill out
t0ri Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) Well in my case, I didn't change until after my ex dumped me because he didn't communicate what needed to be changed until after he broke up with me! THAT is confusing. Then we were beginning to reconcile a little, and he told me, "Wow why didn't you act like this while we were dating?" It was because I had no idea he wanted me to! (I think this is more of the situation that the other posters are referring to). A few things were voiced to me by him, and I did attempt to work on them, but I didn't take them as seriously as I should have. Anyway, I know what you mean luvflower. I don't blame you for ending it. If you're not happy, you're not happy! And I can relate to the work-hours thing - my ex put EVERYTHING in front of me, including work. Your ex is still trying to hang on and make more promises because that's his way of trying to salvage whatever is left of you two. Maybe he didn't take you seriously about the changes you suggested, until you dumped him and forced him to believe how serious they were. Or maybe he doesn't want to change, but is doing/promising it because he has lost you. Edited October 10, 2009 by t0ri
UrKillinMeSmalls Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) thanks for the advice about the grammar.i'm rushing to get all this out and cooking as well. i'm speaking about changes he brought up, like changing his work days...or him being less obsessive with our communication (i brought up)...different things. you're half right and half completely wrong. yes i became upset after i realized he was making broken promises,some of which i didn't ask him to make. Ok, that's ok to be upset with him for being unreliable but if they are promises he made on his own, and you didn't ask him to, what's the problem? Things would just go back to the way they were before he made the promises. If they were promises you had asked him to make and he didn't uphold, that would be different. But that's not the case. I don't think you have the right to complain. Here's an example: You are having money problems, so I come to you and say you know what, I'm going to help you out. I'll give you an extra $500 a week of my money to ease your financial burden. And then when that money I promised didn't come, you got upset because of it. Why? Sure you have reason to be upset over the unreliability of me not following through, but you don't have the right to say you needed that $500, and therefor can't get along without it now. See what I'm saying? then he still expected to hold on to me...no i'm not spiteful Yes, you are. i just want to be happy and at peace. breaking up with him was the plan, but i was silly enough to believe him when he kept promising things to get me back. If he was making desperate attempts to get you back, that's his problem. You already ended the relationship, for reasons right or wrong, and he needs to have realized that. However, the fact that you can't find peace and happiness speaks volumes. He made the changes he wanted to make for himself, but after you ended the relationship. You two are no longer together, so wether or not he made the changes is none of your concern anymore. so duhhhh, of course i'm a bit confused about why someone would want to hold onto something after not keeping their word over and over again.that's why i'm here...you might need to take a bit of the edge off. next time if you can't read it then don't respond.you need to chill out...i didn't dump you...just relax and chill out I am chill, not sure where that came from. Maybe you just don't like the questions I'm asking? Don't take them personally. Just infer within yourself. If he's made the changes you should feel happy for him. If you're still confused as to why he did it after and not before the breakup, then you're asking the wrong questions. After all, how do you know for certain he would have made the changes eventually, had you not broken up with him? You may have done him a favor. My responses in bold. Don't take anything personally, I'm just analysing your situation. Edited October 10, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls
RachLIVE Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Dumpers arent always the bad guy (though most of the time they are ), walking away from a realtionship that isnt going to work out is a tough thing. From what i've seen is as long as youve tried EVERYTHING to make it work before ending it then your a good person. Its a rare situation where the dumpee is actually the bad guy but it does happen
harmfulsweetz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Relationships at times fizzle out. Things don't mesh as they used to, you fall out of love, etc this doesn't make you a bad person for walking away from this. In fact, it makes you honest, able to admit when something just ain't working. I'm the first to say work at it, then if all else fails, leave. But some things can't, won't be changed. If my bf had a specific thing which was incompatible to me, but essential to who he is, how could I ask him to change it? There's certain things called dealbreakers. People just need to learn what theirs are, and establish them early in an R. Anyways, that's offtopic. Dumpers do have feelings, it is a tough decision to walk away from someone you love, care about, foresaw a future with. But when those dreams become castles in the sky, you know it's time to go. Often, when an R breaks up, both parties know it's about to happen (deep, deep, deep down) it's just that one has to make the move to do it. So the one that does, is the bad guy, not the honest person they are, the bad guy. I'd think it's far fairer to leave a situation where both parties are not bringing each other happiness (unless it's something little that can be fixed with communication) than to stay in denial. Life is too short to spend with those who make us unhappy...
boogieboy Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 So often dumpers(in this case it so happens to be me) are looked at as the villans. but people fail to realize that sometimes we are just the ones who end up being brave enough to make the call(break up) and/or some of us have been pushed to the point where we can't accept not being happy any longer and are forced to break up. i soooo did not WANT to break up with my ex but why stay if certain issues don't change.then the dumpee wants to start showing actions once the break up occurs...that's the confusing part<<<...really. this is how the confusion (not to be confused w/ game-playing!).why do you wanna change once i break up with you? pls someone tell my why this happens, PLEASE!!!??? To simply answer your questions, the dumpees hold on to you because they dont want to give up something youre used to. Plus it leaves you with a massive hole in your heart that cant be filled by anything else. Why they change after you leave them is because they dont have a choice. You have to keep active to get over someone, and making changes is part of that. But if they couldnt do that while you were together, then the chemistry wasnt there for the changes to be made while you were together.
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 (edited) To simply answer your questions, the dumpees hold on to you because they dont want to give up something youre used to. Plus it leaves you with a massive hole in your heart that cant be filled by anything else. Why they change after you leave them is because they dont have a choice. You have to keep active to get over someone, and making changes is part of that. But if they couldnt do that while you were together, then the chemistry wasnt there for the changes to be made while you were together. i appreciate every single comment made. thanks guys, really. i'm realizing that i clearly told him that i didn't want him to change who he was for me b/c i would never get to know the REAL HIM. he didn't make any MAJOR changes after we broke up. he wanted us to do all these things outdoors...b/c that's what i like. there were things i had to work on as well and i knew that some things were just a part of who i am and would never change.i think he wanted me to be less of the free spirit that i am. while we were still in communication he started trying to do more active outdoor activites with me,which is what he knows i like to do.he works all the time and is tired when he gets off.so i could really respect him for trying even when i knew he'd be tired. however,he couldn't keep the momentum up b/c the reality is that he works all the time.our schedules conflicted. when we first started our relationship he did not have some of the same responsibilities as he now has. so the dynamics changed a bit and i wasn't ready. he always tried to convince me that everything will work itself out and be ok.truth is, i frequently thought silently to myself about how i could possibly deal will that eventhough it wasn't my responsibility.(i'm being vague b/c it's personal,sorry). >>>so i respect him for taking care of business,but on the other hand it's unfortunate that i would be getting the short end of the stick because "it is what it is" and b/c of the way he chooses to deal with the situation i'm being vague about. so i chose to remove myself to avoid nagging.i don't like feeling like i'm beating a dead horse so i told him i'd rather remove myself from the equation...to me THAT is being brave. i really like the way he showed his love for me but there were differences that i should have paid closer attention to when we fist met. this is why its sooooooooooooo (can't stress it enough)soooooooo important to not move too fast. he tried to get me pregnant several times,proposed to me and wanted us to live together within 4-5 months into our relationship.mentioned things like he was uncomfortable being around me and other guys...certain things were happening that i should have taken more seriously,sooner.i discussed some things with him ad nauseum (when the topic would come up), perhaps i wasnt firm enough...early on. i have lived and learned... Edited October 11, 2009 by luvflower
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I didn't read through all of this, but most of it. I had one underlying thing sticking out at me. Normally people are pretty much indifferent, or act it, when they dump someone. Yet you are not. Do you still have feelings for him, yes or no?
PinkToes Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Honestly, he sounds a bit possessive in a borderline-red-flagish kind of way. I think you're better off without this guy.
callingyouuu Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Breaking up is kind of like a slap in the face; sometimes people don't realize how urgent a relationship situation is until it's too late. Honestly, I'm not sure why you still care so much. He wasn't what you wanted, so you broke up with him. That should be the end of it.
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I didn't read through all of this, but most of it. I had one underlying thing sticking out at me. Normally people are pretty much indifferent, or act it, when they dump someone. Yet you are not. Do you still have feelings for him, yes or no? hi and thanks for asking.i do still have feelings for him simply because i did not want to break up with him.i just felt it was the right thing to do.
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Breaking up is kind of like a slap in the face; sometimes people don't realize how urgent a relationship situation is until it's too late. Honestly, I'm not sure why you still care so much. He wasn't what you wanted, so you broke up with him. That should be the end of it. same here...perhaps he b/c he became so regular in my life on a daily basis. a few weeks ago he said that he was addicted to me(which is probably why he called and texted about 50 times a day literally for most of our relationship and got upset when i wouldn't((couldn't)) return the favor because he was literally always calling and texting me)...i responded to his comment about being addicted to me by saying "that's not healthy". i know it could have been taken as sweet but i dont always know how far he's going with the things he says. plus some guys use lines like that to get a woman to let her guard down...
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 hi and thanks for asking.i do still have feelings for him simply because i did not want to break up with him.i just felt it was the right thing to do. You still have feelings for him. That means you still look at him in a romantic shade of sorts. That would explain why you feel this way about him making the changes after instead of during. I think he made the changes after because he knew it would be best for him. Yeah it kind of sucks because you're probably looking at it as a betrayal of sorts, but try not to think of it like that. When I was dumped once it shattered my world. But it also gave me enough drive to move mountains. I wanted so much so fast for myself. Key word being myself. You ending it may have been his wake up call, his call to life so to speak. It's ok to feel how you do, just be careful that you don't let those feelings cross over into full fledged anger or spite or anything like that, because that's ugly. It may also be a case of you wanting what you feel you may no longer be able to have. If he hadn't made any changes, would you feel as attracted to him? Probably not.
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Honestly, he sounds a bit possessive in a borderline-red-flagish kind of way. I think you're better off without this guy. yep...this is one of the reasons i seriously considered the breakup. he would call throughout the day for random stuff.and then he would text things like "call me now. i need to speak to you"...while i'm at work.it was cute when the relationship started but to say "call me now. i need to speak to you" while i'm working is not normal. here's the kicker...when i'd call him he'd say something like what you doing or something completely NOT urgent. i'm engaged with people throughout my work day,whereas his job is different and more laid back. you're not the only one to mention possessiveness.this is what i have to remember.
Author luvflower Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 You still have feelings for him. That means you still look at him in a romantic shade of sorts. That would explain why you feel this way about him making the changes after instead of during. I think he made the changes after because he knew it would be best for him. Yeah it kind of sucks because you're probably looking at it as a betrayal of sorts, but try not to think of it like that. LUVFLOWER: i hear what you're saying, but i don't really look at it as betrayal b/c he did things and told me about the changes as he thought about making them with me. so i don't feel betrayal,rather confusion about his intent. was he just trying to set me up so to speak by making empty promises... When I was dumped once it shattered my world. But it also gave me enough drive to move mountains. I wanted so much so fast for myself. Key word being myself. You ending it may have been his wake up call, his call to life so to speak. It's ok to feel how you do, just be careful that you don't let those feelings cross over into full fledged anger or spite or anything like that, because that's ugly. LUVFLOWER: you're right.good advice.we havent made contact and i wasnt angry when i ended things.HOWEVER...he may be angry. this is my thought about the whole issue/nonissue right now. IMPORTANT PIECE GUYS: we stopped communicating last monday after he called me while i was sleep.i answered saying who is this and he asked if i'd forgotten his voice.he sounded really shocked.so i said no,i was just sleep.he then said "i love you".i said"thank you,goodnight".that was the last i heard from him... It may also be a case of you wanting what you feel you may no longer be able to have. If he hadn't made any changes, would you feel as attracted to him? Probably not. well he didn't really make any serious changes to affect how attracted i am/was/am/was to him. he just tried to buy things for me that i told him weren't necessary b/c i'm not for sale. and he tried doing more outdoor activities,which was sweet.that's about it though...the rest were all "attempts" when it was too late.i didn't want him to do several things b/c it was too late and that's what i told him. i said, "if you couldn't do these things before,i'm really not interested in doing them with you now.i appreciate your effort but no thanks babe".
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