HappyMonkeh Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 2 yrs ago my gf of 3 years went to the UK form Australia to work overseas. We decided before hand that we would keep it together because at the time she was only supposed to be gone 3 months... then it became 6, then 9 , and finally 14. Each time she was due home she extended her trip because she was offered more work. This weighed in heavier and heavier in my heart each time it happened, and so many times I was so close to breaking up and going with girs I knew I didn't really have feelings for, and little physical atraction. It was like I was stuck in limbo, not being single or with anyone, and i needed to find direction. It was a long and draining 14 months. She has been back now for 7 months and just moved in the other week. However, I feel like I am still feeling the effects of how emotionally draining the whole stuation had become. Before she left she was a homebody, living at home until she was 23, under a very watchful eye of her parents. Being 25 at the time and very independant this was quite draining in itself, only getting to see your 23 yr old girlfirend for an hour a day, and then only being bale to spend nights together when she could tell her parents she ws staying over at a friend's. Then in the last 2 or so months of her trip she became something amazing... independant, strong, and alive. We talked about putting the past behind us and starting again, and she would move out into her own place within 2 weeks of being back. But it didn't happen. She got back and that parental oppression began again and within what seemed like no time she was back to the way she was, and our relationship felt like it had de-evolved. 7 months later we finally managed to get her out of the house and to move in with me, but now I am having problems. I love her living with me but I can't deny the fact that a big part of me wants to be seeing the independant gf, to have her living somewhere else where she can regain her independancy, to not have such an intense relationship. It like trying to read a good book that's pushed too close to your face! It is frustrating!!! Now I get snappy, easily angered, find ways to escape (i.e. hang out at friends), get drunk and find myself fliriting profousely with women despite not actually wanting them in any way. And whenever we get into an argument I always end up saying "You are the one who left for 14 months, not me!" What can we do to make this relationship work and be a healthy one?
mintjulep Posted December 4, 2003 Posted December 4, 2003 It sounds like the two of you have different values when it comes to independence, which hits a little closer to home than I'd like, which is why I felt compelled to respond, even though I don't want to step on anyone's toes. See, my boyfriend's mother tries to control his every move, but I have a feeling that because he's a man (I'm making a gross generalization here, but please hear me out), it's easier for him to exert his independence against that. As a girl, it's a lot harder to wrench yourself from your family sometimes. I don't know how to help you, because it sounds like the relationship is pretty intense, and it's hard to back out of these things and look at them from a different perspective without hurting everyone's feelings. It would be wrong of me to say that it was a bad idea to have her move in with you before she was able to regain the independence she had found while she was away from her family, but I feel it has to be mentioned. Since you've already made that decision, though, you need to work on how to make this right, or get out before even more emotions are at stake. Do you still love her, or are you just trying to see this out because you don't know how to get out? I think you really need to address these issues with her because it does sound like you're trying to dodge it by leaving and drinking and flirting with other women, and that's not good for either of you. Try to address it without blaming her for leaving, even though that seems to bother you a lot. I just don't think you can address both issues at the same time. Either work through your problems or fling blame [at each other] about why the relationship isn't going as well as it was before, but I promise that the first one will get better results . Just try talking to her. I think you two need to figure out where this is going...or not going. Hope it all works out for you
DJ-TK Posted December 5, 2003 Posted December 5, 2003 Hey man.... I'm sure it can be frustraiting... It's like you have this good thing in your hands but you're not able to control it and it's too much-too fast for you... I suggest that you would talk with her and tell her how you feel (the example with the book is quite good) and tell her you think it'll be better for thenm to live apart... Don't forget that people moving together usually after being together for a lot of time and got used to see each other A LOT, and both of you moved extremely from one point to another, and it is completely understandable you'd be feeling like this... Also, you have this strong feelings of anger of what she did to you when she moved to Australia... (It's gotta be so frustrating to waiting for something and trust someone to do something, espacially 'cause he wants to, and it ended up with her being postpone her return OVER AND OVER AGAIN!) You should tell her you're still angry and feel neglected because of that... and that you wanna move on, but there are some things that takes time, and being together 24/7 won't help it... Besides, you feel she needs to earn her independence and if she'll think it thorugh I believe she will get to the same conclusion... Tell her it's the best for both of you.... And just try to explain that wwhat happened during her time in Australia realllllly hurt you and it takes time to forgive (if you'll forgive her)... Hope you'll be fine... just talk stuff out.. communication is always the key to good and healthy relationships..... Good luck man....
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