eeyore1981 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I'll go first. I don't know if I'm staying much longer. It's so easy to look in from the outside and make judgement calls, whether to stay or go, but in a lot of cases it is more complicated than that, because it isn't just a matter of separating from the spouse. Financial: I'm 45 yrs. old. I co-own a business with H, which I have worked in for the last 10+ years. I don't want to continue working there, as I don't like it and I never have, just one of those things I did because I loved him and wanted to be supportive. Leaving means I am out of a job. I can probably get another job, but not at the pay I have now, being co-owner. H buying me out will take a long time, and because I can't trust him, I'm stuck here until I get my half. Children: My children are barely grown. They are established here. I have no wish to live here, and haven't since I moved here with my parents. We made plans years ago when our children were very young to move away, but that just turned out to be another lie. Leaving means goodbye to my children, who I am very close with. Maybe we could get together from time to time on the occasional holiday. I don't feel good about that at all. Location: Again, I can't stand living here. I want to move over 1000 miles away. I would have to continue living here until our affairs (pun not intended) are settled, probably a year or more. That's time in limbo, because I don't want to get involved with anyone just to up and move away, plus, I live in a very small town in a very small county, so there is not much to choose from anyway. The only support group within 50 miles of me is AA/NA. I don't do church. I've joined a gym. I ride a motorcycle with a few friends, but they are not around very much, so I've spent the last year trying to find more people to ride with. The closest I've found is 75 miles away. I have friends, but not really good ones. I want to ride, go to museums, go hiking, things like that, they want to drink at the bar, gamble, or sit at home. We don't even like the same movies. Most of the people I know are bored and lonely, but have no interest in trying new things. So, at least part of why I am still here is because at least for the near future, it isn't any better for me to leave, and in some ways it is worse. I'm not strong enough right now to get through it.
Devil Inside Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 It seems to me that there were some pretty significant sacrifices that you made to be in this marriage. It must make the fact that he cheated all the more difficult. Does not seem like he has compromised on much...not even on doing the work he should be doing post-A. I'm sorry. Staying right now...for your kids is something I can respect. While you gather the strength to make decisions for yourself...you can at least look to them as a source of strength. Leaving them would be so hard...I could not imagine leaving mine. You know...I think it may help you to read some literature on codependency. I especially like the books by Pia Mellody. I think you may find yourself in the literature. You can also read about it online. If it fits think about going to some support groups...they may help you find the strength you need to do what you need to do. You're in my thoughts.
scatterd Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I understand its so hard to move on I use to ride but my back went out.You will find riders at moto cross races and find out where they practice.Its hard to find people with same intrest in bars but once in while you can.Keep busy riding and doing things you enjoy I cant now so it makes it harder.Good luck
TwoForgiving Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) It may appear that we are quick to judge and say leave him. But honestly, that's coming from the fact that we were where you are right now. Lots of us had to struggle from the aftermath of a divorce, whether the issues were children, finances, living arrangements, loneliness, etc. You're right, it is by no means an easy decision to make but we are standing here at the other side and are trying to let you know that there is hope. We went through this, we thought we had no other choice, we believed in our vows, we believed in till death do us part, we were terrified about the future if we left. However, after having gone through it we're here letting you that it is possible. Personally, I lost my home, lost my job, declared bankruptcy, lost the future I was looking forward to. But you know what, I made it through. It was never easy, it was never a ride through a park, I had to get therapy but looking back now, I am happy that I didn't stay. There was too much abuse, too much cheating, too many lies, too much hurt. Your story sounds so similar in that you have tried and tried and you are still not happy. Is uncertainty about the future worth you never being happy ever again? If you decide to leave for good, yes, it might take a few years for you to get back on your feet completely, I'll be honest - it doesn't happen overnight. But you have another 40+ years to look forward to being happy and being your own person. You have years still to find someone who you will be happy with, someone who will respect you and treat you the way you deserve. We're just trying to let you know that we understand your fears and doubts and that we had them too but that there is an end to it and a bright future to look forward to. Edited October 10, 2009 by TwoForgiving
2sure Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 You're right. No one should judge anyone else's decisions for staying or leaving after infidelity. Circumstances, conditions, facts, logistics are all factors that must be considered. Unlike affairs , when its all about feelings...the BS has to consider more than feelings, or at least prioritize differently. Thats life. Thats reality. You cant really bend it to suit. But eyeore...you know, you basically submitted a list here. And on the list, along with each item - you say right out you dont want to be where you are. And it doesnt sound like you are speaking metaphorically, as in you might not like where you are physically because you dont like your life...it sounds straight up, like you just want to MOVE. And yes, I get that your kids will be farther away than you would like. But you know - families move, not many people live that close to their adult children...and it doesnt create a negative. And a move like you're talking about. A remake. A redo. Nice. Hard? Yeah sure. New job. New place to live. A challenge. But you know - think of the challenge you are surviving right now. Its HARD. Every single day. Indifference is even HARD. Think what you could do, how nice it would be to focus on something else, to have to focus on something else. To USE YOUR POWER FOR GOOD INSTEAD OF EVIL. OK, I know - but you get what I'm saying.
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I'll go first. I don't know if I'm staying much longer. It's so easy to look in from the outside and make judgement calls, whether to stay or go, but in a lot of cases it is more complicated than that, because it isn't just a matter of separating from the spouse. Financial: I'm 45 yrs. old. I co-own a business with H, which I have worked in for the last 10+ years. I don't want to continue working there, as I don't like it and I never have, just one of those things I did because I loved him and wanted to be supportive. Leaving means I am out of a job. I can probably get another job, but not at the pay I have now, being co-owner. H buying me out will take a long time, and because I can't trust him, I'm stuck here until I get my half. Children: My children are barely grown. They are established here. I have no wish to live here, and haven't since I moved here with my parents. We made plans years ago when our children were very young to move away, but that just turned out to be another lie. Leaving means goodbye to my children, who I am very close with. Maybe we could get together from time to time on the occasional holiday. I don't feel good about that at all. Location: Again, I can't stand living here. I want to move over 1000 miles away. I would have to continue living here until our affairs (pun not intended) are settled, probably a year or more. That's time in limbo, because I don't want to get involved with anyone just to up and move away, plus, I live in a very small town in a very small county, so there is not much to choose from anyway. The only support group within 50 miles of me is AA/NA. I don't do church. I've joined a gym. I ride a motorcycle with a few friends, but they are not around very much, so I've spent the last year trying to find more people to ride with. The closest I've found is 75 miles away. I have friends, but not really good ones. I want to ride, go to museums, go hiking, things like that, they want to drink at the bar, gamble, or sit at home. We don't even like the same movies. Most of the people I know are bored and lonely, but have no interest in trying new things. So, at least part of why I am still here is because at least for the near future, it isn't any better for me to leave, and in some ways it is worse. I'm not strong enough right now to get through it. First, to the finacial aspects. You ARE a co-owner! Do you get a "paycheck" or do you get half of the PROFITS of the business, or Both? I would say if it is BOTH, you should keep your half of the buisness, but look for a Paycheck elsewhere, if for no other reason than a feeling of indepenence. Hire someone to do the job you currently perform in your joint buisness, that way HE has to pay half thier pay, and you are getting a FULL paycheck elsewhere PLUS profits from the buisness and space away from him! As to your children being barely grown. They may be BARELY grown, but they ARE grown. I understand not wanting to leave them, but, you have done your job as their mother, and I am sure always did what you thought was best for them. Don't you think they would want you to do what is BEST FOR YOU now? I would say, talk to them. tell them how living there makes you feel, lonely, isolated, out of touch etc. I am sure they will understand. There are many ways you can keep in close contact if you choose to move. Obviously the internet is one way. You can make a "family page" on myspace or facebook where you and your children all have access to add to the same account. (everyone knows the email/password to account) That way you can all upload photos, share info etc, but can keep the site private from EVERYONE else... ie add NO "friends", that way you can be as open and personal as you want to be and NO one other than those of you with the email/password can see any of it. And the telephone companies have really made it much easier to be in contact with long distance relatives because almost all of them have a "no long distance fees" plan now that make it no more expensive to talk to someone in a different state as to talk to your next door neighbor. In the meantime, if you are looking for emotional support groups to help you while you process your options and make good sound life decisions, you are in a good place and time! The internet has THOUSANDS of support groups for just about anything you could want one for! A few short years ago, travelling 50 - 100 miles to find support was the norm, now you can have that support from your living room in your underwear if you want! LS is a good place for me, but if you want/need more there are more structured support groups, you just have to search for them. A lot of people here use more than LS as support, perhaps some of them will give you suggestions of sites they found helpful. I also understand your wanting to "do things" ie museums, movies etc. I was in the midwest for a long time, and had grown up in Los Angeles where there was always something stimulating to do.. I suffered for a long time until the internet became so readily available. I have visited museums around the world "virtually". I have studied anicient ruins, seen foriegn films, attended festivals, delighted in symphonies... all from my computer. I admit it is not the same, but life is what you make it. And for each of those things that you enjoy there is an online community that will share your joy with you until you make a decision to move someowhere that you can be a part of those things in person. Do not just sit back and despair, take all that is available to you to enrich your life and run with it. You are worth it!
Author eeyore1981 Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 First, to the finacial aspects. You ARE a co-owner! Do you get a "paycheck" or do you get half of the PROFITS of the business, or Both? I would say if it is BOTH, you should keep your half of the buisness, but look for a Paycheck elsewhere, if for no other reason than a feeling of indepenence. Hire someone to do the job you currently perform in your joint buisness, that way HE has to pay half thier pay, and you are getting a FULL paycheck elsewhere PLUS profits from the buisness and space away from him! As to your children being barely grown. They may be BARELY grown, but they ARE grown. I understand not wanting to leave them, but, you have done your job as their mother, and I am sure always did what you thought was best for them. Don't you think they would want you to do what is BEST FOR YOU now? I would say, talk to them. tell them how living there makes you feel, lonely, isolated, out of touch etc. I am sure they will understand. There are many ways you can keep in close contact if you choose to move. Obviously the internet is one way. You can make a "family page" on myspace or facebook where you and your children all have access to add to the same account. (everyone knows the email/password to account) That way you can all upload photos, share info etc, but can keep the site private from EVERYONE else... ie add NO "friends", that way you can be as open and personal as you want to be and NO one other than those of you with the email/password can see any of it. And the telephone companies have really made it much easier to be in contact with long distance relatives because almost all of them have a "no long distance fees" plan now that make it no more expensive to talk to someone in a different state as to talk to your next door neighbor. In the meantime, if you are looking for emotional support groups to help you while you process your options and make good sound life decisions, you are in a good place and time! The internet has THOUSANDS of support groups for just about anything you could want one for! A few short years ago, travelling 50 - 100 miles to find support was the norm, now you can have that support from your living room in your underwear if you want! LS is a good place for me, but if you want/need more there are more structured support groups, you just have to search for them. A lot of people here use more than LS as support, perhaps some of them will give you suggestions of sites they found helpful. I also understand your wanting to "do things" ie museums, movies etc. I was in the midwest for a long time, and had grown up in Los Angeles where there was always something stimulating to do.. I suffered for a long time until the internet became so readily available. I have visited museums around the world "virtually". I have studied anicient ruins, seen foriegn films, attended festivals, delighted in symphonies... all from my computer. I admit it is not the same, but life is what you make it. And for each of those things that you enjoy there is an online community that will share your joy with you until you make a decision to move someowhere that you can be a part of those things in person. Do not just sit back and despair, take all that is available to you to enrich your life and run with it. You are worth it! As far as my job, I hired someone and trained them for several months, then took a leave of absence. My outlook is I subcontracted, so I still get a paycheck every week. I can live on that by itself, and have thought about just leaving the business as is, continuing to draw my check, and heading for the hills. But that implies a level of trust I won't be ripped off, and I don't have that. My kids are important to ME. I want to be around them, I want to be around my current step-grandkids and any future ones. It's something I have to give up if I leave. Internet or not, it will be hurtful to me to live so far away. I've already picked a place to move if I leave. It has all the things I'm interested in. I'm not afraid to move to a new place and start all over again, that is one thing I look forward to doing. The emotional support groups and all that, I need NOW. The internet has it's uses, but I also need some real time human contact.
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 As far as my job, I hired someone and trained them for several months, then took a leave of absence. My outlook is I subcontracted, so I still get a paycheck every week. I can live on that by itself, and have thought about just leaving the business as is, continuing to draw my check, and heading for the hills. But that implies a level of trust I won't be ripped off, and I don't have that. My kids are important to ME. I want to be around them, I want to be around my current step-grandkids and any future ones. It's something I have to give up if I leave. Internet or not, it will be hurtful to me to live so far away. I've already picked a place to move if I leave. It has all the things I'm interested in. I'm not afraid to move to a new place and start all over again, that is one thing I look forward to doing. The emotional support groups and all that, I need NOW. The internet has it's uses, but I also need some real time human contact. As a co-owner you are entitled to full disclosure of all financial records and can hire an accountant to do periodic reviews to make sure you are not being "ripped off". I understand about wanting to be near your kids lives. Perhaps you can stay there in that town, and just do some travelling? As to the human contact, i REALLY do understand. maybe you could check with your local community center, and start your OWN support group?
Author eeyore1981 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 So I'm curious. Staying in the M must provide you some type of companionship or stability that is worth staying for. Because you don't HAVE to leave the area if you don't want to. You don't HAVE to move away from your children. You don't HAVE to quit working for the business. Not dating and meeting other men during the time it takes you to finalize your D would be a GOOD thing IMO. You need that time to put your own head back on straight. It sounds like you're saying if you left you'd HAVE to do all these things, when in reality, you don't. You may desire to live somewhere else, but that's your choice, not a requirement. You can choose to stay or leave regardless of the state of the M. You don't have to choose the M to choose to stay. Not trying to be mean, but it doesn't sound like rational thinking to me. It sounds like you're dreaming of another life, but you really don't want to go there. BBM It isn't rational thinking. I feel like my true self is shattered, and I am trying to find all the pieces and put them back together. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been with this man for 26 years. I think, maybe a couple of months ago, I got a small glimpse of reality, and I was, and still am, overwhelmed by how much of my life has been a lie. Because of this I have no trust in myself, I have lost my strength and my self-esteem. I am also really busy trying to cover myself back up with denial, I know I am doing it, and so it is causing me a lot of internal conflict. God help me, on some level I still think my marriage has a shot, and I don't know why that even matters anymore.
silktricks Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 BBM It isn't rational thinking. I feel like my true self is shattered, and I am trying to find all the pieces and put them back together. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been with this man for 26 years. I think, maybe a couple of months ago, I got a small glimpse of reality, and I was, and still am, overwhelmed by how much of my life has been a lie. Because of this I have no trust in myself, I have lost my strength and my self-esteem. I am also really busy trying to cover myself back up with denial, I know I am doing it, and so it is causing me a lot of internal conflict. God help me, on some level I still think my marriage has a shot, and I don't know why that even matters anymore. The things you believed in about your husband has been a lie, but not your life. Everything you have done has been the truth. Your children are truly yours, your grandchildren are your grandchildren. Your business is your business. Don't denigrate yourself by losing touch with all of your successes. You trusted because that's what we do when in a marriage. We trust - until or unless we can't anymore. You are still the same strong person who started a business and raised a family and yes, you are also the woman who trusted the lies that were told you. Trusting those lies does not make you weak, though. Trust is not a weakness, it is a strength . The fact that the man you married was not truthful does not mean that your judgment is faulty, it means that he is faulty. He is the weak one who finds that lies suit him better than truth. You are the strong one who works from truth.
MadMission Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 You CAN leave...and still be near the kids. Check out that town and surrounding areas which are only 75 miles away. Maybe there is someplace, which is to your liking, between here and there. You will be closer to the motorcycle group... giving you opportunity to frequently and easily engage in an enjoyable activity. Plus, you will likely be within 1 to 1 1/2 hrs from the kids. You could easily see them every week. See what other things in that direction might be of interest to you...hiking, etc. Moving an hour or so away will give you that fresh, starting-over new feeling. It's far enough...yet close enough. Do as Fallen Angel suggested. Hire an accountant.... and consult with a lawyer if you have to. Make sure everyone is on the same page about your paycheck. Do not let your H's inability to buy you out...keep you stuck. I think that staying with your H is very emotionally troubling to you. I do not know the details of his A and the way the aftermath of d-day played out, but it seems that it didn't go in the direction of R. I can understand this as I am in a similar situation. While my H and I have a very good partnership in co-parenting the kids...we get along very well, no tension, no fighting or anything like that....I remain troubled because I am still 'with' him. I have stayed with a man who is someone I don't really know afterall, who betrayed and hurt me in the worst way possible, who robbed me of so much (past, present, & future,) and who mismanaged the aftermath, etc. I have very good reasons for leaving, but also better reasons for staying.... and am glad I chose to stay...for now. However, it is 'uncomfortable.' It 'feels' all wrong internally. I wonder if you are feeling the same way. You WANT out...but there are things which keep you in the M. My suggestion is that you CAN exit the M while continuing to see your kids. You CAN move away from your H, and his associated bs, and be free to start over. You CAN relocate to someplace fresh and new which meets some of your needs for socialization, etc. which is not too far away. You CAN continue to collect that paycheck. You really can devise a perfect plan for yourself. Actually, your situation seems quite good in that your kids ARE grown and you have a source of steady income. I wonder if you are struggling with aspects you don't even realize you are struggling with...or that you have not identified here.
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