EricaH329 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Not too sure where to post this, but I guess this forum is as good as any. I have a confession that I need to get off my chest. I haven't told a living soul this yet. I'm 22, and I have a huge crush on a 46 year old man. This is shocking to me because i've never found anyone over the age of 30 even remotely attractive (don't ask why, I have no idea). I don't really know what to do with this. I'm thinking it's just a crush and i'll get over it... but it's been eating at me and I had to get it out there. So... all of you wonderful LSers, you are the only ones to know of this deep dark secret I have . What to do now?
Author EricaH329 Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 No, not married. But in a relationship with a girl that doesn't seem to fit his standards. He also has a daughter that's 2 years older than I am... I have a feeling that's going to play a major role as to why this crush is just going to remain a crush.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I honestly feel for you... but it just seems unproductive to all to allocate time to a path where somebody is already coupled with another, no matter how ill-suited. it MIGHT help if you were to, say, make a serious, authentic list of a number of the traits in him to which you are drawn. IF you can recognize enough unique, attainable, and respectable traits in him that might inspire you to admit that many other guys have the same ones, then perhaaaaaaaaaaaaps you can inspire yourself to at least entertain other possibilities for now, at least while this man remains in his relationship. You would probably end up sooooooooo sorry if you made serious overtures toward him while he is in a relationship.
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 No, not married. But in a relationship with a girl that doesn't seem to fit his standards. In your books, or his? How long has he been in a relationship with her? Does he know that you feel this way? If no, don't cross that line and tell him, that would just be a big mistake and he'll get an ego feed out of it, possibly lead you on, make it seem like he likes you, but when infact he's just enjoying your crush. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. - When I was 20, I had the biggest crush on a professor at school. I did the stupid thing and told him to his face that I thought he was cute and had a little crush on him.. Fact too, he lived close to me, so once in a while he would ask for a ride home, flirted with him, kind of gave me hope as well.. Anyway, the jist of it, it HURTS to want someone you cannot have, especially since he is with someone already. He has a daughter close to your age, so chances are, he isn't going to date you, that and he may not be interested in younger women.. How do you know him? Work collegue, or school? Anyway, I suggest you control your thoughts and feelings about him, if you fantasize and wish/hope he'll pay more attention to you, it'll just hurt you and feed your feelings. Hope this helps.
Author EricaH329 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I honestly feel for you... but it just seems unproductive to all to allocate time to a path where somebody is already coupled with another, no matter how ill-suited. it MIGHT help if you were to, say, make a serious, authentic list of a number of the traits in him to which you are drawn. IF you can recognize enough unique, attainable, and respectable traits in him that might inspire you to admit that many other guys have the same ones, then perhaaaaaaaaaaaaps you can inspire yourself to at least entertain other possibilities for now, at least while this man remains in his relationship. You would probably end up sooooooooo sorry if you made serious overtures toward him while he is in a relationship. Oh, i'm definitely not investing any time on pursuing this. I already know it wouldn't work. And i'm definitely not the kind of girl that would go after someone with a girlfriend. That's not my style. Plus, he doesn't really seem interested. Not that I can tell anyway. So it's just a harmless crush. Something that passes the time. I just found it very odd that I would go for someone that's twice my age.
Art_Critic Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 No, not married. Whew.. !!!!.. I'm 46.............. but married.. Erica.. keep it a crush and put your immediate energy toward someone else... The guy is taken..even if he isn't married there is a relationship dynamic at work that makes him unavailable.. and he has a daughter to boot...
Author EricaH329 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 In your books, or his? How long has he been in a relationship with her? Does he know that you feel this way? If no, don't cross that line and tell him, that would just be a big mistake and he'll get an ego feed out of it, possibly lead you on, make it seem like he likes you, but when infact he's just enjoying your crush. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. - When I was 20, I had the biggest crush on a professor at school. I did the stupid thing and told him to his face that I thought he was cute and had a little crush on him.. Fact too, he lived close to me, so once in a while he would ask for a ride home, flirted with him, kind of gave me hope as well.. Anyway, the jist of it, it HURTS to want someone you cannot have, especially since he is with someone already. He has a daughter close to your age, so chances are, he isn't going to date you, that and he may not be interested in younger women.. How do you know him? Work collegue, or school? Anyway, I suggest you control your thoughts and feelings about him, if you fantasize and wish/hope he'll pay more attention to you, it'll just hurt you and feed your feelings. Hope this helps. Well there was an incident at work the other night (I work with him) that involved his girlfriend, and he was very upset the whole night because "he tries so hard to stay away from people like that". Plus, i've heard from a couple of other people that he's been having a lot of problems with her lately. She just doesn't seem like his type at all. I'm not too sure why he's with her, I don't talk to him about it. He doesn't know that I have a crush on him. I subtly flirt with him, but it's not very obvious. I'm definitely not in love with him by any means, I find him very attractive and he's a very caring and compassionate guy. Which is why I like him. But I know that he would probably find it very weird to even toss around the thought of being with someone his daughters age.
TheLoneSock Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 People have crushes all the time, to all different people. It's no big deal I used to have a crush on a pretty little thing 8 years my senior where I used to work. We always openly flirted, even took it a bit further a couple times. But between the age difference and working together, nothing ever came of it. We were too incompatible, it was just an attraction thing.
Author EricaH329 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 People have crushes all the time, to all different people. It's no big deal I used to have a crush on a pretty little thing 8 years my senior where I used to work. We always openly flirted, even took it a bit further a couple times. But between the age difference and working together, nothing ever came of it. We were too incompatible, it was just an attraction thing. Whoa... you look entirely too much like my ex fiance. Crazy! Anyway, I feel so out of place having a crush on a guy that's 24 years older than I am. He's older than my dad!! SOOO weird. But, i'm taking it for what it is, and enjoying it. I like being able to have a crush on someone without feeling the need to take it to the next step, or pursue it in any way. It's very refreshing
TheLoneSock Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Whoa... you look entirely too much like my ex fiance. Crazy! Anyway, I feel so out of place having a crush on a guy that's 24 years older than I am. He's older than my dad!! SOOO weird. But, i'm taking it for what it is, and enjoying it. I like being able to have a crush on someone without feeling the need to take it to the next step, or pursue it in any way. It's very refreshing Uh oh, not sure what that means but... haha But yeah I know what you mean. It's probably nice to just be able to admire from afar without any pressure or intention of acting on anything. Sounds like harmless fun.
infiniteQuest Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I think it's perfectly normal to be attracted to somebody who's years ahead of us in life and has acquire that much more wisdom. There's an inherent sexiness to that. But I wouldn't do anything about the crush if I were you. Sure the age gap isn't really all that taboo anymore, but do you really want to have a student-teacher relationship?
Author EricaH329 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Uh oh, not sure what that means but... haha But yeah I know what you mean. It's probably nice to just be able to admire from afar without any pressure or intention of acting on anything. Sounds like harmless fun. Doesn't really mean anything, just had to double check to make sure it wasn't him. He would not like half of the stuff I posted about him on here haha. Harmless fun, exactly! I just need to remind myself to stay away from him when I drink... then the subtle flirting will turn into obvious flirting
Author EricaH329 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I think it's perfectly normal to be attracted to somebody who's years ahead of us in life and has acquire that much more wisdom. There's an inherent sexiness to that. But I wouldn't do anything about the crush if I were you. Sure the age gap isn't really all that taboo anymore, but do you really want to have a student-teacher relationship? It's funny you say that, because him and I have had many deep conversations, and by the end... we both learned something from one another. I'm not too sure if I would be attracted to someone that I looked up to. I like to find an equal. Someone that can open my eyes to certain things, and in return, open their eyes as well. Maybe that's why i've never been interested in a man that much older than I am. Who knows.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Oh, i'm definitely not investing any time on pursuing this. I already know it wouldn't work. And i'm definitely not the kind of girl that would go after someone with a girlfriend. That's not my style. Plus, he doesn't really seem interested. Not that I can tell anyway. So it's just a harmless crush. Something that passes the time. I just found it very odd that I would go for someone that's twice my age. Well, we are only getting a snapshot of *you*, when a long, narrated movie of your dating history might be better. I know of one particular person who, at FIFTEEN, was dating a 31yo!!! She later went on to date a man in his fifties before she was 21. Now she is dating a married couple. The read on her seems to be that she consistently avails herself of relationships that can't really go anywhere long-term. If in your case, this is randomly the only much-older man to have wandered into your field of fantasy, then it may just result from close proximity and some amount of vulnerability on either side while in that proximity. If there are other parallels between him and your dating history, then you could learn something significant about yourself by studying objectively. Your honesty rings clear and suggests that you will find whatever the answer is... And don't forget that when your parents once told you: "you are too young to know anything about love", they really meant: "you don't know enough about yourself to really appreciate love". The sense of you learning, and having an open mind toward that learning, is really appealing.
Author EricaH329 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 Well, we are only getting a snapshot of *you*, when a long, narrated movie of your dating history might be better. I know of one particular person who, at FIFTEEN, was dating a 31yo!!! She later went on to date a man in his fifties before she was 21. Now she is dating a married couple. The read on her seems to be that she consistently avails herself of relationships that can't really go anywhere long-term. If in your case, this is randomly the only much-older man to have wandered into your field of fantasy, then it may just result from close proximity and some amount of vulnerability on either side while in that proximity. If there are other parallels between him and your dating history, then you could learn something significant about yourself by studying objectively. Your honesty rings clear and suggests that you will find whatever the answer is... And don't forget that when your parents once told you: "you are too young to know anything about love", they really meant: "you don't know enough about yourself to really appreciate love". The sense of you learning, and having an open mind toward that learning, is really appealing. Thank you! He is the first guy that i've been attracted to that's much older than I am. I've tried to pinpoint what it is exactly that i'm attracted to him about him, but I just can't put my finger on it. I think it's the less subtle things about him. The way he carries himself, the way he looks at someone while talking to them, the sincerity in his voice with whatever he might be saying. Who knows. It could also be because I just got out of a relationship with the only man that i've ever truley loved, and maybe i'm a little lost as to who I should become now, and what I should be looking for in life. I think a lot of things might be a factor as to why I find this man attractive. But without knowing exactly what it is, I can't really take it too seriously. Nor would I want to, if i'm confused going into it... then the whole thing will turn out a mess. Going a little off topic, as I was trying to figure out why I would be attracted to this man, I learned something about myself (or maybe I knew it the whole time, and was just denying it?) that opened my eyes to realizing what kind of guys I usually go for, and why. And to be quite honest, I don't mind it much at all. In fact, I love it. I hope this post made sense. I began to ramble, and usually that never makes any sense
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 It could also be because I just got out of a relationship with the only man that i've ever truley loved, and maybe i'm a little lost as to who I should become now, and what I should be looking for in life. I think a lot of things might be a factor as to why I find this man attractive.... And to be quite honest, I don't mind it much at all. In fact, I love it. Ahhhhhhhhhh, there is a significant tidbit you've added. Could be that while you're not ready to leap toward a specific individual so soon, you are perfectly interested in refining your sense of all men, everywhere, in order so that you can keep your curiosity piqued in general, and keep fueling your next social steps with visions of ideals and choices you might eventually consider. (oddly, it might be like doing some of those 500 question surveys that so many (girls/women) like to do on various websites... so often hovering around just what sorts of traits they are drawn to in a man) (the design not being to *get* a man with those traits anytime soon, but to merely practice (and enjoy) *considering* aspects of men to which you are drawn)
Author EricaH329 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Ahhhhhhhhhh, there is a significant tidbit you've added. Could be that while you're not ready to leap toward a specific individual so soon, you are perfectly interested in refining your sense of all men, everywhere, in order so that you can keep your curiosity piqued in general, and keep fueling your next social steps with visions of ideals and choices you might eventually consider. (oddly, it might be like doing some of those 500 question surveys that so many (girls/women) like to do on various websites... so often hovering around just what sorts of traits they are drawn to in a man) (the design not being to *get* a man with those traits anytime soon, but to merely practice (and enjoy) *considering* aspects of men to which you are drawn) Wow! That's a really good observation!! I feel like maybe you're right! I obviously went wrong somewhere by choosing to be with my previous ex, so now i'm trying to 'test' out which character traits that fit with myself. I must say though, i'm very proud of myself. Looking back on all of my ex's, i've noticed a slight increase in maturity. Hopefully, the next man I decide to be with will be at the top of the list. One can only hope .
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Additionally, it makes sense that a person who would appear prominently in your thoughts, would be somewhere in your periphery in an area where you let yourself feel "safe" (meaning, someone directly or indirectly involved in your work is more suitable, and safer, than would be someone with double the impressive qualities but at a meat-market sort of a bar, or what not) **you can admire and thrive-upon him, and he at the same time doesn't need to be any the wiser about that (given the comforts of work, etc.)
Author EricaH329 Posted October 18, 2009 Author Posted October 18, 2009 I do agree with you. However, as time continues on, the crush I have for him is getting more and more intense. The other night, he asked me how I felt about the whole break up situation with my ex. Him and I talked about it for awhile, with breaks in between since we can't really hold a conversation at work. I remember telling him that since the break up my standards have changed. He asked me how so, and I remember not being able to tell him because I became really busy. Last night, he asked me again how they changed, and I asked him for his e-mail since talking at work was becoming a hassle. He gave it to me and said "So is asking for your e-mail like asking for your phone number these days?" and I said yes. I was in such a crappy mood in the beginning of the night that I decided to have a few drinks. The few drinks led to multiple drinks, which led to me becoming intoxicated by the end of the night . I remember telling one of the girls that I work with that I had a crush on him (bad idea!) I was trying so hard not to tell anyone at work, that just gets to be too much drama. She told me that she talked to him about me, and sort of hinted at the fact that I have a crush on him (since he is blind to it) and she said that he acted as though he didn't believe her. I am now frantically checking all of my e-mail accounts making sure that I didn't send him an e-mail last night. I can't trust myself after I drink. I didn't find any e-mails that I sent to him, so i'm not sure exactly what to do next. I'm a grown woman, this shouldn't be an issue . I'm so confused.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Hey, I'd approve of this all the way had yo not been drinking. And there is something so invigorating about being vulnerable to someone, romantically, no matter the age difference. When it comes time to **find out**, I want you completely sober, and bold enough to show him that you are comfortable with that vulnerability. It sounds at the very least like you could do wonders for further isolating traits you adore and thrive with, in men (for letting yourself get close to this older man). A popular advice columnist endorses relationships with a large age difference with the suggestion that the older person "treat the younger person like a campsite at a campground, with the goal in the end to leave them in better shape than they were upon your arrival". SO IF this man friend of yours is all that you expect, then he'd be someone who would really help you to gain something from having dared to bare your feelings. It really IS OK that you are interested, AND you have the great *sensation* that it him basically knowing it now. All I can do is insist that you stay sober for the next few steps. It IS OK to be raw and exposed, and he's probably going to treat you gently no matter what. Err on the side of honesty when you get to any crossroads.
Author EricaH329 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Hey, I'd approve of this all the way had yo not been drinking. And there is something so invigorating about being vulnerable to someone, romantically, no matter the age difference. When it comes time to **find out**, I want you completely sober, and bold enough to show him that you are comfortable with that vulnerability. It sounds at the very least like you could do wonders for further isolating traits you adore and thrive with, in men (for letting yourself get close to this older man). A popular advice columnist endorses relationships with a large age difference with the suggestion that the older person "treat the younger person like a campsite at a campground, with the goal in the end to leave them in better shape than they were upon your arrival". SO IF this man friend of yours is all that you expect, then he'd be someone who would really help you to gain something from having dared to bare your feelings. It really IS OK that you are interested, AND you have the great *sensation* that it him basically knowing it now. All I can do is insist that you stay sober for the next few steps. It IS OK to be raw and exposed, and he's probably going to treat you gently no matter what. Err on the side of honesty when you get to any crossroads. Wow!! Thank you for the great advice!!! I had stopped into work last night for a little bit, and the girl that I had told ended up telling a few other people that we work with. She had a few drinks in her, and she wrote me an e-mail this morning apologizing like crazy. I was completely worried about it until I read this advice! You are totally right, I shouldn't be ashamed. Him knowing is probably for the best. I'm just afraid that it might become uncomfortable for him if he doesn't feel the same way about me. Which is something I definitely don't want to happen. Then again, since he is much older he is a lot more mature than the guys i'm used to liking, so i'm thinking he'll be able to handle it better. I guess we will find out tonight. It's only him and I working. Thank you so much for the advice!! I really appreciate it!!
ADF Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Be very careful when dating older guys. Men who date much younger women often have serious domination/control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But many also like dating women who they feel are less savvy than they are, who they can easily manipulate, who they can make dependent on them financially. That may not be true in your case, but be aware of it.
Author EricaH329 Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Be very careful when dating older guys. Men who date much younger women often have serious domination/control issues. Sure, they like sex with nubile young bodies. But many also like dating women who they feel are less savvy than they are, who they can easily manipulate, who they can make dependent on them financially. That may not be true in your case, but be aware of it. I never thought about it like that. You make a very good point. After many conversations with him, I don't believe he is that type of person. I may be wrong though. On the other hand, I feel as though I might be getting ahead of myself. Whose to say that he is attracted to me? I suppose I will seriously begin considering that point if it gets any further than this. I truly hope that isn't the case.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Hark, consider me "self conscious" for a couple of minor typing omissions that I have made in this thread. But I really came here to send good vibes about this evening... even though it may already be "in progress".
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