How to interpret this

[lonewoof]

I have a friend that I have feelings for. We both had the same intentions when we first met, but due to sexual abuse issues with her, decided to just be friends. My feelings never changed and I felt she still shared them to some extent and things seemed to be going somewhere, albeit slowly. Then about 6 weeks ago, her interest seemed to suddenly drop significantly. I mentioned that things seemed to different between us recently and I told her of my feelings. The only response I got was 'you can't help what you feel' and I could only assume that they aren't shared. I should just ask her this, but I don't want to push things and really would like to remain her friend, but having a hard time dealing with my feelings towards her currently.

 

But my question is really how to decipher something. It was written as a note on Facebook tagged to me and other friends. Most is basic Alcoholic Anonymous stuff, but one part I don't know how to decipher. It's this -

 

Objectives for my life:

2. Don't settle for anything less than the chosen ideal in love (no stupid game playing)....in my own personal conduct.....

 

But given that I told her I had feelings for her a few weeks ago, and even though we have talked as friends since then, I don't klnow how to read this. It's hard to believe that our recent dealings aren't part of the added "no stupid game playing" part. She thinks I was playing games? She was and is kind of vowing not to anymore? I just don't know and it's bugging me.

 

I kind of wrote this quickly and hope it makes enough sense and has enough background. But I really am having hard time not feeling hurt by finding out in a roundabout way that I am not her 'chosen ideal in love', or that the recent past was completely not in her mind at all when writing what she did. Dont' know how else I can read that.

Edited October 10, 2009 by lonewoof

[Ronni_W]

It's hard to believe that our recent dealings aren't part of the added "no stupid game playing" part. She thinks I was playing games?

What is making it hard to believe that her 'life objectives' have everything to do ONLY with her, and nothing to do with you? Put another way, what is making it easy to believe that you are such a central figure in her heart, mind and Facebook entries?

 

She could be referring to ANY relationship that she's had at ANY time in her life (family, friends, romantic), or to some situation that she's only heard or read about. She is JUST stating her 'life objectives' -- what she does and does not want in her life.

 

In any case, it does NOT sound as if you played games with her so, unless she is IQ-challenged, why would she even bother to think that you did? I wouldn't take it personally, quite honestly.

[lonewoof]

Just that a few weeks ago I basically told her I was falling in love with her. Maybe the idea that she probably didn't think of that at all when writing what she did is what 's really bothering me. I don't know. Maybe I'm finding trying to be 'just friends' with someone I feel more than friendly towards difficult and am attributing my own level of thought about her to her.

 

What is making it hard to believe that her 'life objectives' have everything to do ONLY with her, and nothing to do with you? Put another way, what is making it easy to believe that you are such a central figure in her heart, mind and Facebook entries?

 

She could be referring to ANY relationship that she's had at ANY time in her life (family, friends, romantic), or to some situation that she's only heard or read about. She is JUST stating her 'life objectives' -- what she does and does not want in her life.

 

In any case, it does NOT sound as if you played games with her so, unless she is IQ-challenged, why would she even bother to think that you did? I wouldn't take it personally, quite honestly.

[boogieboy]

Now Im just going by what you posted, I dont know if you left anything out.

 

1.) You dont tell someone that youre falling in love with them unless you are actually sexually active with them and in some kind of exclusive relationship. Doing that prematurely makes you look pathetic.

 

2.) This girl was never interested in you as of recently. She gave you the "sexual abuses" line to let you down gently, and you didnt take the hint.

 

3.) You sticking around and making yourself continually available to her, shows her that you are a doormat. Thats not attractive. She doesnt want someone who she didnt have to earn.

 

4.) once she decided shes not attracted to you, youre sunk, theres no way to make her want you seriously. The only way to make her look at you differently is to try making her jealous by ignoring her for a while, and letting her see you with other women, but thats not the basis of a good relationship.

 

What I think happened was thi:

 

SHe was seeing someone else that you didnt know about. She got closer with him, and thats why she saw you less. But he ditched her, and thats the games she was talking about on her facebook note. Had nothing to do with you.

 

Now please, stop wasting time pining after this girl. leave her alone and go find someone that will show you genuine interest, and that wont keep your around just for easy company. Shes pathetic.

 

The reason bad boys get so much action is because they dont ewear theyre heart on their sleeve. Women like to earn a mans heart, little by little over time. They dont like for the man to hand it over to them in one shot. Try it the bad boy way next time.

[lonewoof]

A little combining here of previous posts for more the story. Yes, I am a doormat...

 

May:

"I started talking to a woman who I've known of for a couple of years, but had never met until recently. We have mutual friends, similar life experiences, interests, viewpoints... We hit it off right from the start and things started heading in a more romantic direction. But the first time we met she was very anxious and nervous. She later that night told me that she has big issues with intimacy due to sexual abuse as a child and she just isn't in a good place in her life to get close to someone, but that she still hoped we could remain friends. I told her I didn't want to lose her as a friend no matter what, so that's where we stand.

 

Outside of saying that though, not a lot has actually changed. There's not been a single day we haven't been in contact in some way, either email, chatting or talking on the phone for hours most nights. She's become pretty much the closest friend I have. We had an awesome day together last weekend, and later that night talked until all hours of the morning and have the same other nights since. I have to admit that it's hard to dance around the feelings and it's pretty obvious that she has still has the same feelings as well (unless I'm more clueless than I realize). I have no idea where this is all headed and have to admit that I'm a little bit confused with the situation. I'm fine with giving her all the space she needs to feel comfortable, but rightly or wrongly still have hopes of being something more than 'just a friend' someday."

 

August:

"We talk just about every day, but maybe only see each other once every week or so. I think she still has the same feelings as well, but there are times when I'm not sure if it's real or just me wishing it was. We haven't really talked about it, but I've had it in my mind that becoming closer friends could lead to more as she deals with her abuse through therapy. I'm scared that if I bring it up I may find out I'm mistaken. Even though I don't want to lose her as a friend, not knowing just how she really feels is taking it's toll. I feel I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Just afraid to take the chance and do what I know I need to."

 

October:

"I have a friend that I have feelings for. We both had the same intentions when we first met, but due to sexual abuse issues with her, decided to just be friends. My feelings never changed and I felt she still shared them to some extent and things seemed to be going somewhere, albeit slowly. Then about 6 weeks ago, her interest seemed to suddenly drop significantly. I mentioned that things seemed to different between us recently and I told her of my feelings. The only response I got was 'you can't help what you feel' and I could only assume that they aren't shared. I should just ask her this, but I don't want to push things and really would like to remain her friend, but having a hard time dealing with my feelings towards her currently."

[boogieboy]

Heres a quote from an almost famous comedian Patrice Oneal that you should carry with you, to prevent you from talking to a girl every day that you arent in a relationship with. This only aplies to twisted people. Regular people dont do this.

 

"Men use women for sex, while women use men for their time."

 

You were not getting what you wanted, (a relationship) but she was getting what SHE wanted. Emotionally, her using you as a friend was the equivalent of no strings sex.

See how that works?

[lonewoof]

I want to disagree, but I can't. That is how it feels.