Boyfriend is wonderful, but has trust issues and this one is killing me emotionally..

[Driftoffndream]

I am truly sorry for each one of your painful experiences. You have all been through so much I feel so small in my story and request, but it has affected me in in such an emotional way that I needed to reach out to someone who may understand instead of people who have never had any experiences with it. I am in an unusual position. I cannot say weather I was raped or not.

 

Two years ago I went to a ten year reunion party for the class ahead of mine. We all met at a local bar that a lot of people our age from our class era if you will frequented. I am normally a very responsible person. I don't have more than a two or three drinks, and if I notice myself getting tipsy, I quit. I have only gone out one to two times a year since I graduated high school over ten years ago now. I don't smoke, or do drugs, and rarely drink. I had always prided myself in being a responsible individual til that night. I remember ordering my third and final drink. This was going into two hours plus of being there, and since I had ordered my first drink. I had had a large dinner, my vitamins, and plenty of water. I was half done with this last drink when some friends I had met there wanted to go outside for a smoke. I, not wanting to be left behind, joined them outside. I left what was left of my drink with 4 men I knew from high school. One of them was a boyfriend of one of my friends and one was anothers husband. I felt secure having known these guys for about 15years. When I came back in I finished my drink. I remember looking at the time. It was 10:28PM. Then things start to get fuzzy. My 'friends' wanted to go back out for another smoke. We had been there for a couple of hours. I remember trying to focus putting one foot in front of the other, and having a hard time thinking or walking. Some friends of the family had seen me there. They later stated that I looked 'wrong' and that they had asked me if I was ok. I remember a concerned look, but cannot recall what they had said. I next remember being in the parking lot. My 'friends' asked if I was ok, and told me I wasn't going to drive. I knew I wouldn't drive. I remember wanting to sit in my car. I felt sick. I remember being confused at why all of the sudden I didn't feel 'right'. I was pretty much sober all night. The only thing that last hour I had done was to drink half a shot of vodka in some 7up and then lost all sense of everything. I remember nothing until I woke up the next morning at about daybreak with a splitting headache, and something felt terribly wrong with my rectal area. I had let my estranged husband stay over to watch our daughter so I could have my 'once a year' night out. He claimed I was dropped off at about 130AM with puke on me and throwing up all over. He said he showered me and washed my clothing.

 

I had a class to be to at 9AM to renew my liquor lisence (I was a Waitress/Server at the time). My phone was in my car and one of my 'friends' had taken my car home after dropping me off according to my estranged (now ex) husband. I had to wait until someone who worked at the farm I managed showed up and asked for a ride to the persons home who was last seen with my car. I got my car and left for the hospital immediately. I don't remember driving to the hospital. I don't remember admitting myself for a check. I do remember a nurse with a friendly smile and short hair... a male doctor came in and I requested leave and be replaced by a woman doctor...Either the female doctor or nurse said that I really should have been brought in right away by one of my 'friends' cause the drugs dissipate rapidly and can be gone in a matter of hours depending on what drug and how much is used. That is really all I got that stuck out of all the talking they did. There was stinging in my anal area as they tested me. I knew something was amiss with my anal region. I don't believe in anal sex. It is sodomy in my eyes and I won't participate willingly. I remember the nurse being serious, but I don't recall her words except about the drug effects wearing off after several hours. It could have been the doctor telling me that. I don't remember. I do remember a tall man with a badge taking information from me to file a report. He was a cop. I am sure. But my boyfriend is telling me it was a security guard. I swear it was a cop. He said a cop would have called me for a follow up. Everything is so hazy, and it seems like the harder I try to remember things the more I seem to forget...

 

I remember trying to hurry out of the hospital for my class or I would lose my chance to have this job which was imperative to survive since the ex as I will call him now was not, nor has never contributed more than a few hundred dollars ever towards care of our child total. I was hired with the agreement to get my license through the class that day, or I would not get the job. Since I needed the job I went to the class. I remember throwing up several times. I did speak with the instructor from class afterward and told her what the issue was with me throwing up and not focusing the way I would normally. My headache was the worst one I think I have ever had. I am not a wussy if you will, and can handle a hangover, but this was no hangover, and I had not gotten drunk.

 

I don't know what happened that night. I don't know that I ever want to know. I have suspicions, but feel that it is better not to bring up what may never be solved. I hate what people will say in my hometown. I feel like they would all disown me. I have seen what happens when you talk about these things, and rarely does anything good come out of it for the victim. I am not trying to be discouraging to those of you debating telling someone, or the police. I think you should. I just feel in my position of not knowing what happened, what could anyone do? I am not a witness. I just know my body was violated in a place that I would never have allowed it to be, let alone to have a one night stand. I am not, nor have ever been that girl. Four relationships in about thirty years I think is plenty. The fourth relationship I am currently in. I was upfront with him about everything. He quizzed me to no end, and almost broke up with me tonight. He did some name calling, and then made me second guess myself. Could I have gotten messed up enough over a date rape drug to be promiscuous with a man? Could I go against every fiber of my being and beliefs and do that? He made me admit to anything being possible. I guess he's right. Anything is possible, but somethings I would never do. As if that wasn't bad enough after several months of dating he chooses to bring it up again tonight. He says I lied to him about it because he tried to find a police report on it and couldn't find one. Now he says I am a liar! I am so hurt. I have always prided myself on my honesty, and I have been dubbed loyal to a fault (to the point it depreciates my quality of life) by more people than I care to count. He retracted to say that he believes that it may have happened but I have to prove it with police reports and hospital records. I have copies of the hospital records in a box somewhere with the rest of my packed up items. (everything is in boxes). He proceeded to tell me that we are through if I cannot provide the proof. He went so far as to start removing all my items from the house and tell me that we are through until I can produce all records from that 'experience'.

 

Even though I contacted my ex mother in law (whom I still keep a relationship with for my daughters sake) and a great friend who both stated facts I had told them both about after it and he said he didn't care and said that wasn't any sort of proof. He asked me if I would stake our relationship on my being able to provide proof of the incident via records. I said I could because I know the records are there, but with the holiday weekend I may not be able to get them til Tuesday. Why is this an issue now? Why was it an issue at all? I know his ex wife was a liar and a bit on the far side, but why do I get doubted when I have been so utterly honest and truthful? My friend I spoke with earlier tonight said that rape is sealed like a health record and that it is not public knowledge. I have looked online and couldn't find anything about that. I will get all records to him Tuesday at the latest, but now I feel like he is untrustworthy. Can he really look that up, or would I have to be the one because it is sealed? Could anyone look that up? I was told it would be confidential and I remember stumbling across the privacy policy from the hospital. Am I crazy? He is making me doubt that I even spoke with a real cop. He had a badge and uniform. I know I was there and I have paperwork, but now I feel like I am losing my mind. Doesn't he understand that he is making a bad situation I am trying to move on from worse than it was to begin with? I feel so nauseous and just want to crawl under a rock right now. I am not usually like this, but normally an upbeat chipper gal with a positive outlook. Normally he is loving and supportive, but tonight he was anything but...What do I do? I am so confused. Of coarse there is always more then what meets the eye stress wise in both our lives as with everyone Else's in the world, I am just hoping to get some sound advice or words of encouragement to help me till I can get the paperwork when the offices are open. I am sorry for being so long and disorderly. I wish I had a therapist on speed dial I could call anytime but I don't so your it. Please help.

[dreamergrl]

I'm a bit confused... where you with this bf when all this happened? I mean where you seeing him then?

[PinkToes]

Sweetie, what your boyfriend is doing is flat-out WRONG. You don't owe him proof of something you lived through that was a horrifically painful experience for you. He is WRONG to put this all on you, to doubt you, to cause you additional pain. I'm sure he is a good man, but there is no excuse for what he is putting you through.

 

Of course you are the only one who can decide what to do next, but you are under no obligation to knock yourself out trying to soothe his insecurities. You were raped. A loving partner will not question that, nor will he make it worse for you.

 

I feel for you, I know this is such a difficult situation. But please, PLEASE do not take this on as your issue. He is being selfish and insensitive, and honestly, downright cruel. You have every right to tell him that, and it is up to him to choose whether to accept your word or not. Please don't feel you need to try to 'fix' this situation; you are the victim here. (((HUGS)))

[junglejim]

Great, an insecure BF turning a victim into a victim twice over. What a weak ******* he is.

 

Personally, if this guy has these issues now, DUMP him. As a guy I am disgusted and ashamed that another guy would react this way.

 

'Normally he is supportive'... Well, that was probably on issues that did not affect his ego. You just found out that when the chips are down, he's not only unreliable but incredibly self centered.

 

If you want your medical records, only you or someone you provide a HIPAA release to (such as a doctor or insurance company) can get them.

 

Most hospitals have the HIPAA release available online. Download it, fill it in and drive down to get your records. Once you have them, ram them down your idiot boyfriends throat for being such a pathetic dick.

 

Sorry, but what he did is so wrong and I can't believe you are having to do this.

 

You need to have a good hard think whether this is the kind of 'man' you wish to be with. Even if you have proof, he will always have issue and everytime your relationship gets rocky this will rear it's head because he will only consider what it means to his weak ego, not that you trusted him with such a private and hurtful event.

 

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope you get through it ok.

[dashing daisy]

I was upfront with him about everything. He quizzed me to no end, and almost broke up with me tonight. He did some name calling, and then made me second guess myself. Could I have gotten messed up enough over a date rape drug to be promiscuous with a man? Could I go against every fiber of my being and beliefs and do that?

NO. You were not being "promiscuous" with a man, and you didn't "do" anything. You were RAPED. You were drugged and raped, you were not a participant and you didn't have sex, you were assaulted. You didn't consent to anything, you were a victim of a crime. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

This is just such an awful situation, and I'm very sorry you are going through this. What happened to you was bad enough, and you don't need someone who should be supporting you making you feel worse about it.

 

You boyfriend is completely wrong here....I'm sorry but it is making me so mad that he would treat you like this after you trusted him enough to tell him what happened to you.

 

You deserve much better. You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding.

 

Okay this is hitting way too close to home, I have to take a break, I'll try to come back and finish up my thoughts later.

 

Take care of yourself.

[torranceshipman]

You were raped...and your boyfriend treats you like this? How dare he!!! He really is acting in an abusive way, in my opinion. It sounds like he is dragging down your self esteem, and a man who loves you would NOT treat you in this way - he is absolutely horrible. You went through something so hard and you really need so much support, and you need to be surrounded by people that love you and care for you, and want the best for you.

 

What happened to you was not your fault, and you have NOTHING to defend-reading how he makes these demands makes me so incredibly angry. You need a man who loves and supports you, and wants to make it better when you tell him that you are hurting over something. This is NOT that guy. This guy is a bit of a bully, in my opinion.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time but I think the rough times can either a) get worse if you stay with him or b) get better if you leave him.

[Driftoffndream]

It has been awhile since I posted. I am sorry for the delayed response. It was a long, hard winter. The time has helped me to see so many things I was blinded to for so long. Without some outside views sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of you. I appreciate each of you taking the time to respond, and again apologize for it taking so long to respond. I think things are going to be ok. We are no longer together, and as much as it hurt at first things are definitely moving in a positive direction. Thanks again!

[Tayla]

Glad you are back. Is your creative writing class going well?