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Bad timing between 2 people who like each other? How do things turn out?

mushmush

By mushmush
in Second Chances

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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Ok so how do things turn out when 1 person is not ready for something more?

 

This is the situation i'm in at the moment. A few comforting words or advice would be a great help.

 

I'm just giving the basic details to save people reading a 2 page essay.

 

Basically i've known this girl for a year and a half but had never gone out with her until recently. First date, Instant chemistry, same sense of humor attraction, same values etc etc.. had a great time.

Been on a second date, had another great night, kissed started talking about our next date. All the good signs that we have meet someone special and want to get to know each other better.

 

As we get talking over the following weeks after our second date it turns out she is only recently single ( i think its over 2 months now) but is still living with her ex (looking for new place) so she is not ready for anything more yet.

 

Communication is good over the next couple of weeks, I let her initiate the next date but she cancels on me.

 

Our next conversation proceeds in me telling her that "this is a goodbye for now" im not comfortable at the speed at which things are going, that at the moment I will always want more than she is ready to give. Also when she sorts her situation and we can really start to get to know each other to give me a call.

 

her response went along the lines of fair enough, I have not moved and i dont want to hold you back. Tells me i'm a really really nice guy and thinks I deserve the best.

 

I think it's plain as day we care for each other but would like to hear from other people what has happened when they meet someone they really like but it has been the wrong time?

 

Does it work out for the best? Did you leave it for a month or so and then get in contact to see how they are doing?

 

I'm moving forward and concentrating on my life and not a mess at all but i do wish she was in my life :rolleyes:

 

any support given will be a great help :)

boldjack Established Member

boldjack

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Don't beat yourself over this. If you get back together , in the future, fine, but live your own life now.

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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amen

 

 

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mimiminx Established Member

mimiminx

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I can totally relate to this. I was in the same situation she is in. I had recently broke up with my first boyfriend, and a month or so later I met my current one. Incredible chemistry, we were head over heels, etc. Got to know each other, dated for a month. Mind you, I was still "dealing" with my ex at that time.. he left me for another woman and what do you know, 6 weeks later he was begging for my forgiveness and presented me with an engagement ring, of course I told him no (ugly situation, I know)

Then he said he can't continue seeing me right now, because he didn't want to be my "rebound man", he told me how he felt about me, and that let's give it some time. I was going full force and he was holding back because he knew I wasn't ready, and I really wasn't. So, he put the brakes on, but still wanted to spend time with me, platonically. (that was hard for both of us! but we did that for about 2 months). When he told me that, I told him how I felt about him, and said ok.. but I was really sad about it. Soon after I realized he didn't reject me, but he was respecting me. We maintained communication, I let him pursue me...he always had to be the one to reach out. I was holding back. And 2 months went by that our feelings for each other came to a boiling point and we became a couple going on over 2 years now. Just my story.

If you and this girl have feelings for each other and an attraction, I would suggest giving her some time (AFTER SHE MOVES OUT OF HER EX'S PLACE) and if you're still interested in a little while, keep the connection! Call her or send her an email. I grew a lot stronger in the 2 months he and I took a step back and just got to know each other, platonically. He could see that I was ready, and he came barreling through pursuing me and not too long after, we were madly in love and a couple. These kind of things can happen, I am proof.

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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This girl is a 1 in a billion.. Someone who actually gets me for who I am and from the sounds of it cares about me.. I care about this girl alot and thinks she deserves the best.

 

As hard as it is, i've given her the space she needs to sort out her situation and do whats best for her. I have so much respect for her that I would not do anything to hurt her.

 

Been a weeks since i've talked to her, 2 weeks since I put the breaks on. Going to give it another week or so and just say hi to see how she is going.. I really hope she has finally moved out.. But more than that I dont want to loose the connection, no one has made me laugh as much as this girl :)

 

Thanks for the advice

mimiminx Established Member

mimiminx

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Good luck- I can't speak for her, but she probably respects you and doesn't feel rejected by you 'putting the brakes on' if you told her how you feel but communicated that it isn't the right time right now. Stay connected but give her time. When she's ready, and she wants this, she will let you know, I promise you that. It took me maybe about 6 weeks in my situation from the time he put the brakes on until we officially became a couple. Some more advice: you need to be the one to pursue her. She's not going to do it. (at least I didn't)... as you're planning, check back in a week or so, tell her you'd like to still get to know each other.. make an invitation for something neutral, like going out for coffee. This conveys your interest. And you will be able to gauge how she's doing.. if she seems stronger, or is out of her ex's place,etc.

I have to say, that when I met my guy a month after I broke up with my ex of over 4 years, he was my knight in shining armor. He was the guy that helped me move on, he showed me that I could fall in love again, I could have so much more than I did with my ex. You may be this man to her.. I hope so! But he was wary, understandably, when his feelings for me became so strong he had to back off because of the timing. My respect grew for him, and over time our feelings for each other grew and grew, it was like a pot boiling over on the stove.. it was intense! It was torment in a good way.

Here's what happened to me in the time that passed: he put the brakes on, I was sad but said ok, this is how I feel about you, etc. I didn't contact him. He reached out a week or so later, invited me out for a drink or something. Still platonic.. after a few weeks went by I was asked out by another guy, and I went on a few dates with him, but the entire time I was thinking about him. Every time, he was the one who reached out to me. One day we met up, and he had heard it through the grapevine that I was seeing someone. I said it was nothing serious, but boy that set something off in him! He had no right to get upset, and he didn't, but I could tell that he was uneasy about it. So, of course, he started reaching out more often, we didn't see each other for a couple weeks because he went out of town, but we met when he came back and he was nervous as all heck and just ga-ga over me. He said something to me that night I'll never forget. He said, "you seem like you're doing very well. You seem so much stronger now. You're even more beautiful to me now than you were when I met you"... over the next few weeks, it grew more and more, and we shortly after became a couple.

Best of luck to you! Most important thing here: it's your job to keep the connection.

RangersFC Member

RangersFC

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Mimiminx, i'd just like to say that I am in a very similar situation as all of this. Maybe a little messier but none the less.

 

I think you have such great advise and would love for you to give my story a read. Its in the other man section named "dated" for a year, I need her back! Please read it. I'll be updating it tomorrow. A lot has happened on the weekend! Thanks and good luck to all!

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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Great advice and a big thank you..

 

2 weeks of not talking, I messaged her and invited her for coffee to see how she was doing. 2 weeks of not talking was the push she needed in the right direction I think.

 

her reply was basically, looking for a new room to move into and thinking about the future :laugh: (as well as other stuff which made me smile)

 

Even though she wants to meet goes all distant again when it comes to actually setting a time. So will just keep the connection and check back on her in another week or so.

 

Oh yeah so basically keep it cool and neutral until she moves out of ex's place correct?

 

And yes this is torment but in a good way :)

mimiminx Established Member

mimiminx

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Yes, keep it cool and stand back until she is well moved, and I mean completely moved out of her ex's place. Don't rush in on her either, just let her know you're interested and around. She will very much respect you for this. When I was in this situation, I had a couple of guys I met who were just going full force with me, knowing I was vulnerable, and yes, trying to take advantage of that. The difference between them and my guy was that he was very respectful of me, and wanted to give me time because he wanted a serious relationship with me! He would send me emails, or call, or invite me for coffee, a drink, etc.

Look at it this way.. she's definitely not ready to jump into something new yet. Because you really like her, the torment you are feeling is hopefully going to be worth it. I remember that torment myself. It was really exciting.. and it was worth it for us!!

One thing I've learned about myself and women in general, is that we need time sometimes. If you are willing to give her that, I promise you, she will have a lot of respect for you. If she's going distant and not giving you a definite timeline to meet, I think it's because she's still 'dealing' with her ex and that whole mess of moving out. (I've been there)

You're doing the right thing..

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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Yup, I also got she's going distant on me because she is still dealing with her ex. Best thing about this all is that, i'm finding out new things about her all the time. So it is a blessing in disguise ;)

 

One thing i'm trying to avoid though is being a door mat by being to easy and always being there.. But that all comes with the timing, does it not? My friends keep saying dont phone her at all, let her make the moves. That would be all good if she was younger and I was playing on her insecurities. But i'm looking for something on a more mature level based on trust and respect so your advice makes alot of sense. With her saying she is thinking about the future she might have the same thing in mind. Lets just hope so :laugh:

 

Thanks for your vote of confidence as well.

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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Well another week has past and I stupidly messaged her today... just miss txt'ing her while at work.. made the day go sooo much faster lol

 

Going to leave it for now.. give it a month and then try and reach out to her again...

 

Ugh, rejection would be easier than hearing she thinks im amazing and deserve the best and thinking the same about her and have nothing come of it.. damn bad timing sucks lol

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mushmush Established Member

mushmush

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ok she just told me she has told her ex she is moving out..!!!

great to see she came to this decision on her own.

 

I never thought it was going to happen :)

 

Now how to respond???

 

I've been there myself so should I tell her about my experiences?? I know I should not tell her that i'm jumping over the moon right now lol

 

 

and yes im an idiot when it comes to dating.. girls I dont like always come running but I cant get the girls I do like.. always the way isnt it?? haha

Edited by mushmush
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