Way to kill a night, way to start the weekend

[GrayClouds]

WARNING PISSY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF RANT

 

Been pretty much NC for 2.5 months and while had thought of meeting up a few times, decided I want really ready. So I didn't.

 

Thought I kick back and have a bit of quality time at home tonight. Made myself a good meal, put on some comfortable clothes, and chilled.

 

Then tonight the EX showed up. She said she wanted to say sorry in person. Guilt release I guess, She said I deserved it. Thanks, thanks a lot. Had a 10 min conversation, likely I cam off as angry and hurt. I would have preferred something closer to indifference. I would have preferred to be a more prepared looking less like a homeless bum. I wold have perferred it would not have happened to night. It f#ck my night, and pretty much gave the start of the weekend , which are always a bit difficult a real kick in the balls. F#CK F#CK F#CK.

 

As she left, said give me a call if you want to talk. You bet I want to talk, I have wanted to for months but I knew it would offer nothing but frustration and pain. F#CK

 

All I want some contentment , peace and joy, and if I really going to ask for the world, a bit of happiness but it is obvious I no where near that. To be frank I don't know if it will ever come. F#CK I stuck somewhere between loneliness and exhaustion. And really didn't need this tonight to bring such explicit attention to that fact.

 

Yep going to get lot of sleep tonight, not. F#CK sick of it. I deserved so much better and pretty much drained from not receiving it.

Edited October 10, 2009 by GrayClouds

[Lamak]

That had to be a guilt release if she had the audacity show up at your residence. Think about it this way though: Since she had to apologize in person, that means she's had some sleepless nights herself. Take it in stride man and hop back on the NC horse.

[Surfer Girl]

I am sorry Gray.... It must have taken alot for her to just show up.... I am also at 2.5 months... and just when you think you are somewhat moving on.... I cant imagine how difficult it must have been for the unexpected surprise.... I know my ex contacted me via text last weekend and I did not even want to see what he said.... It takes alot to go NC for a period of time only to have the ex mess it up.....

 

Be strong.... It doesnt seem fair that you were unprepared.. and not ready and not on your terms..... She is feeling guilt and needs the validation that you will forgive her..... You expressed how you felt... and much deserving we do feel angry and hurt.... and it is good you were able to express it to her...... as she now most likely realizes you are not there to validate her guilt.... You set a boundrie that some would have succumed to... so you have come a long way.....

[Tamia78]

I'm so sorry that happened to you! I can't believe she just showed up at your place. What's that about? I agree with Lamak, tho. She obviously has been up feeling guilty about you guys. I understand it was the LAST thing in the world you wanted to happen tho.

 

Sending good thoughts your way! I know you need it this weekend.

 

--T

[caramel c]

You know what, she came to you. She folded. You held. You are a champion. I commend you.

[GrayClouds]

I'm so sorry that happened to you! I can't believe she just showed up at your place. What's that about? I agree with Lamak, tho. She obviously has been up feeling guilty about you guys. I understand it was the LAST thing in the world you wanted to happen tho.

 

Sending good thoughts your way! I know you need it this weekend.

 

--T

Ya.. but not guilty enough that she still hanging with her f#ck buddy.

 

I really really don't want to be in this place tonight...

[caramel c]

Ya.. but not guilty enough that she still hanging with her f#ck buddy.

 

I really really don't want to be in this place tonight...

 

Listen!!! She is gravy and you are steel. That's it.

[Surfer Girl]

Gray.... What did you say to her.... I can only hope it was don't contact me again.....

[GrayClouds]

Listen!!! She is gravy and you are steel. That's it.

 

I have no idea what that means but I think I should say thank you.

[caramel c]

I have no idea what that means but I think I should say thank you.

 

Lol...

 

I'm just saying that she is the weakest link (goodbye!)

 

Really, I am not trying to discount your feelings right now. I know you are hurting, I know you didn't want this, I know you weren't prepared.

 

What I am telling you is that YOU are a champ. I have been reading your posts and getting a certain vibe from you...and really, I am not worried about you. You are going to be JUST FINE. Alright?

[Tamia78]

If she came over your place she's still thinking about you. At least she feels guilty. I think you shortchanged yourself in the way you handled it. I'm sure you did fine. Just resume NC, and I really hope this all blows over for you. Any chance of getting out and doing something with friends instead this weekend?

 

--T

[angelface78]

Gray,

 

Im sorry this happened. I understand how you feel. Ive often thought to myself..i better start working out more and taking better care of myself in case my ex shows up one of these freakin days. I dont want to look like ive been down. I know how you probably felt unprepared. Its sooo not fair that she prepared herself to go over there and you werent ready...but dont worry about it... Just shake it off Gray!! Go back into NC and show her that even though you saw her..youre not going to be calling her!! Show her that whatever she had in mind didnt work. YOU ARE STRONG GRAY...KEEP GOING!! Dont let this ruin your weekend!!!

[GrayClouds]

WARNING PISSY FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF RANT - Part Duex

-

It's not about how I looked, even as homeless bum I am looking pretty good these days. It is dispte working so F'isn hard. doing all the right things, exercising ass off, eating well, leaning on friends,eating hell, starting hobbies,writing, reading blah, blah blah. And what do I have to show for it??? Utter exhaustion and inveterate loneliness only to be broke up with the excitment of intermittent melancholy. While I can see no other alternative it is beginning to see very little up side to this kind of fun. ...yep, as the saying goes, I am starting loosing my religion.

 

F#CK I deserve better then the this.

[Kaya]

Ahh gray.. I know how you feel. All the hard work has to pay off sooner or later. There is little else to do, but to keep pushing - keep moving through this. You are making progress, even if it does seem like you're getting nowhere at times.. time is moving and things will shift for you.

 

Last night was awful for me to, I went out (had to force myself, I'm a introvert, so I don't really enjoy doing it at the best of times) - anyway, after 6 hours of trying to pretend that I'm okay and trying to be happy that "at least I'm out and not moping at home" - I just couldn't stand it any more - when I finally got home, I collapsed into a big fat messy crying pile on the floor.

 

You are right, you so DO deserve better, and no person is worth being this miserable over. It wasn't fair of your ex to just pitch up at your home like that.

 

Just keep believing that eventually you'll be rewarded for all your hard work.

[GrayClouds]

Ahh gray.. I know how you feel. All the hard work has to pay off sooner or later. There is little else to do, but to keep pushing - keep moving through this. You are making progress, even if it does seem like you're getting nowhere at times.. time is moving and things will shift for you.

 

Last night was awful for me to, I went out (had to force myself, I'm a introvert, so I don't really enjoy doing it at the best of times) - anyway, after 6 hours of trying to pretend that I'm okay and trying to be happy that "at least I'm out and not moping at home" - I just couldn't stand it any more - when I finally got home, I collapsed into a big fat messy crying pile on the floor.

 

You are right, you so DO deserve better, and no person is worth being this miserable over. It wasn't fair of your ex to just pitch up at your home like that.

 

Just keep believing that eventually you'll be rewarded for all your hard work.

 

The fact it really is not about her any more. She can be the hook to hang the hat on but it is about me. I am still wanting something that is undefined yet still keeping me in this place. It is not about a break-up but what the break-up is confirming to me; which quite possible the fact that I am getting what I deserve. Through the choices I have made, people I have let into my life, the goals I have strive for, simply stated, was never meant to be. Could it be the pushing against that reality which keeps leading me to cul-de-sac of chagrin and something increasingly unsustainable? Then is the answer to expect less but to do so does not offer any degree of satisfaction, not to mention piece, joy and contentment. Case of damn if you do, damn if you don't...simply wonderful.

[GrayClouds]

and if this was someone else's thread here is where I post something thoughtful, witty, insightful and oh so relevant. but in this case I have nothing...

[angelface78]

In that case go to my thread..i could use the help ;(

[Kaya]

Maybe it's not about expecting less, it's about expecting the unexpected.

 

No matter how self-responsible we are, no matter much we strive for things, want things, try to make better choices (with the best knowledge we have available to us at that time).. life still has a way of throwing us those unexpected curve balls - and yes, it sucks.

 

Life is about moving through things, re-adjusting and re-evaluting, even if the answers don't come as soon as we'd like. Most breakups do become about us in the end.

 

Anyway, I hope you're feeling a little less melancholic today - the weekend is almost over - hallelujah .. and at least you're looking good in your sweat pants!

[GrayClouds]

Kaya, thanks for the words. I wish I could confirm today's better but Friday night has bled into today. I agree with the need to be fexiable to lifes unexpected but there is a point when the unexpected becomes the norm. When that happends, life is way to much of a struggle and a need to readjust behavior and perception. Two night of little sleep and I do not function well in this state, let alone cope. Not to metion a thought process that becomes increasingly abstruse.

 

Most breakups do become about us in the end.

 

Could you expand on that statement? I pretty sure I am misinterpreting it.

[Kaya]

Well all I mean is that when we breakup with someone, all we're left with is ourselves, so it becomes about ourselves.

 

It forces us to look within ourselves, deal with ourselves, re-evalute our lives, our choices, our dreams etc. in a completely different way as to when we were with that person. It's a hard process, and it's clouded with pain and disappointment.

 

Sorry to hear that you've not had much sleep this weekend.. maybe try to take a break from thinking for the rest of the day, especially if things are seeming a bit abstruse! Just breathe for today.

 

You know you can cope.. and your perspective will change, just as everything in life changes. And remember that sometimes the unexpected can be something great.

[GrayClouds]

Sorry to hear that you've not had much sleep this weekend.. maybe try to take a break from thinking for the rest of the day, especially if things are seeming a bit abstruse! Just breathe for today.

 

Sure, with my predisposition it may be easier to take a break from breathing

 

"Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum"

[Kaya]

Okay okay.. go back to the thinking then.

 

"I will, nevertheless, make an effort, and try anew the same path on which I had entered yesterday, that is, proceed by casting aside all that admits of the slightest doubt, not less than if I had discovered it to be absolutely false; and I will continue always in this track until I shall find something that is certain, or at least, if I can do nothing more, until I shall know with certainty that there is nothing certain."

 

"But I do not yet know with sufficient clearness what I am, though assuredly that I am"

 

"You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just kept pushing".

Rene Descartes

[mickleb]

I think it's good that you can acknowledge that it's not even really about her anymore. But it is harder when the ball lands and stops in our court.

 

It sounds as though dealing with that is the last thing you need right now. It sounds as though you're exhausted with dealing with things (thoughts) at the moment. But that's all you're left with.

 

I hate that, too. There are people here who seem to be able to simplify a break-up. It's easy: do this and this and this and oo - before you know it - you'll be getting laid, or something. It doesn't seem to work like that for me. Not that I'm in the best position to do all the prescribed stuff, anyway.

 

I guess that's what this place is for? It, at least, keeps us warm whilst we stagnate. And one day, the 'voices' will quieten, the questions will change, we'll have something more important to chew over. It's always happened before, hasn't it? So it will happen again.

 

And we can't just 'escape' the greyness, I guess. It's what we compare the colour to when we find some again.

 

I agree, though, that it is sh*t of her to just turn up like that. Rude. I read some of your older posts before. Love how you responded to her when she wanted to be friends. Funny.

 

Take care, GC. x

[lol_funny]

gray i have to say you have a very funny dry sense of humor that comes thru, i imagine you are hilarious in real life.

[GrayClouds]

Okay okay.. go back to the thinking then.

 

"I will, nevertheless, make an effort, and try anew the same path on which I had entered yesterday, that is, proceed by casting aside all that admits of the slightest doubt, not less than if I had discovered it to be absolutely false; and I will continue always in this track until I shall find something that is certain, or at least, if I can do nothing more, until I shall know with certainty that there is nothing certain."

 

"But I do not yet know with sufficient clearness what I am, though assuredly that I am"

 

"You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just kept pushing".

Rene Descartes

Touché my friend. Though I have now discovered that both interminable thinking and holding your breath will lead to a state of turning blue.

 

before you know it - you'll be getting laid, or something. It doesn't seem to work like that for me.

 

Thanks for your kind words. Yes getting laid is the last (ok not the last maybe something like the 23rd or 24th to last) obsession of mine at the moment. It doesn't work for me either. Rather then being a distraction, most likely it would be a magnification of my current state of concern.

It reminds me of a statement from this running books author:

“Happiness is different from pleasure. Happiness has something to do with struggling and enduring and accomplishing.”

Lets cross our fingers on both hands and hope it is true.

 

gray i have to say you have a very funny dry sense of humor that comes thru, i imagine you are hilarious in real life.

In real life, whatever that may be, some agree, many just finds it simply annoying. By the way, I would suggest with a screen name like yours , you are either a narcissus or the most well adjusted member on this little old heartbreak forum.

 

Now back to caramel c suggestion of being less like gravy more like steel,,,