carhill Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I'm purposely indirect because I want you to think for yourself and come to your own conclusions. This is a tool I learned from our psychologist in MC as he guided me on my journey of discovery. You have stated that this ex#1 was completely on-board with not pressuring you for sex. Does that assertion still stand? If it does, then one meeting on his nickel is not going to end your life. I'm telling you these things because I've done them and have had both good and bad outcomes. The important thing is the journey. That is what life is. Do what you do, take responsibility and move on, with or without this man. Others have suggested to leave the past in the past and start afresh with someone who shares your sexual values and style and has not had sex with you. I think that's good advice. However, if you're not going to take that advice, I see nothing wrong with gaining life experience from meeting with this ex and experiencing that dynamic. Remember, he broke up with you because you lied to him and cheated on him. He's not an ogre. He's just a man. If you feel unsafe, do not meet with him. If you had sex with him, what would happen? See, I think you have full control of your mind and body and will do what *you* want to do. What would that action teach you? Would you learn something? I think you will, either way. That's why I'm spending my valuable time in your thread
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Exactly. Because what women say they will do and what they actually do are often two different things. I dated ex#2 for an entire year and the whole time I never once had sex with him. Even when he started pressuring me, I did not budge.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I'm purposely indirect because I want you to think for yourself and come to your own conclusions. This is a tool I learned from our psychologist in MC as he guided me on my journey of discovery. You have stated that this ex#1 was completely on-board with not pressuring you for sex. Does that assertion still stand? If it does, then one meeting on his nickel is not going to end your life. I'm telling you these things because I've done them and have had both good and bad outcomes. The important thing is the journey. That is what life is. Do what you do, take responsibility and move on, with or without this man. Others have suggested to leave the past in the past and start afresh with someone who shares your sexual values and style and has not had sex with you. I think that's good advice. However, if you're not going to take that advice, I see nothing wrong with gaining life experience from meeting with this ex and experiencing that dynamic. Remember, he broke up with you because you lied to him and cheated on him. He's not an ogre. He's just a man. If you feel unsafe, do not meet with him. If you had sex with him, what would happen? See, I think you have full control of your mind and body and will do what *you* want to do. What would that action teach you? Would you learn something? I think you will, either way. That's why I'm spending my valuable time in your thread Ah, I get your approach now. Well, it would be simple just to meet him if we lives 4 miles away. But we're 400 miles away. That in itself is a big deal....and I don't want either of us to waste the time/money/effort for something that really has very little chance of working out. I don't feel unsafe at all. I know my ex well enough to know that he's not the type to lie or pressure me...he is really one of a kind. I've referred to him as an angel before, not literally ofcourse, but ya know what I mean. I won't have sex with him. See my post above to tanbark. So this is not anything I have to worry about...I have a soft heart, and I easily give in with my feelings, but for some reason throughout my life I'm strong when it comes to giving away my body. Hence, I've never had sex with ex#2 despite the pressures. Interesting points carhill. I will consider them.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Well, I've decided to just ignore him indefinitely. He IMed me 2 days ago, and I just said 'hi' and he asked me how im doing and I just said 'ok' and then he talked about his weekend and stuff. I just ignored it. He signed off. Later that night he was back online when I signed on but then I just ignored it. It's been 2 days since and no contact. I just feel empty right now.
moman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 What's the over/under that conehead will have sex with this guy? I really feel from what you said he is coming only for that reason. He's had it before, he knows there was a reason you gave it to him but not ex #2, and he's thinking it will be time for a repeat. Basically, worst case scenario for him is that he comes to visit, you don't have sex, and he can use that as an excuse not to start a relationship again and keeping to his phobia of LDR. Best case is he gets sex.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) What's the over/under that conehead will have sex with this guy? I really feel from what you said he is coming only for that reason. He's had it before, he knows there was a reason you gave it to him but not ex #2, and he's thinking it will be time for a repeat. Basically, worst case scenario for him is that he comes to visit, you don't have sex, and he can use that as an excuse not to start a relationship again and keeping to his phobia of LDR. Best case is he gets sex. Still to me, it just makes completely no sense for him to spend a few hundred bucks to fly 400 miles to see me just for sex. I can't grasp how any guy with any rationality will want to do that just for sex. He has no friends or family here. He'd be spending all the time and money just for me. If he just wants sex, he can get it easily locally without spending money. You all can say I'm in denial (maybe except for carhill), but honestly, it makes no sense to me. Edited October 14, 2009 by conehead
moman Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Still to me, it just makes completely no sense for him to spend a few hundred bucks to fly 400 miles to see me just for sex. I can't grasp how any guy with any rationality will want to do that just for sex. He has no friends or family here. He'd be spending all the time and money just for me. You all can say I'm in denial (maybe except for carhill), but honestly, it makes no sense to me. Dear, I think you are underestimating a man's ego. Think of the bragging rights and confidence boost he would get from spending a couple hundred to "get it" again, after you've talked to him and he knows about EX #2 and your desire to stay celibate. I might be wrong and this guy just wants to see you and see if the feelings come back, but I'll put that as the exceptional case. If it was to be true, he's a real keeper.
carhill Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OP, if your ex still feels love for you, it's not rational; it's emotional. Airline tickets are superfluous. Trust me I'll respect your decision and not offer alternative counsel. Best wishes with NC
donnamaybe Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 OP, if your ex still feels love for you, it's not rational; it's emotional. Airline tickets are superfluous. Trust me I'll respect your decision and not offer alternative counsel. Best wishes with NC If the above is true, when he shows up make sure you do NOT have sex with him. His response is going to tell you if he is there because he loves you or if it was just for the prospect of sex.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I could have swore the last guy broke up with you because you gave him all this sexual attention and took it away from him.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I could have swore the last guy broke up with you because you gave him all this sexual attention and took it away from him. You're talking of ex#2? If that really was the case, it'd actually make me feel better. But he claims it wasn't the sex, it was other stuff... Besides, I never gave ex#2 that much sexual attention to begin with...we never even had actual intercourse ever. How does that relate to my current situation with ex#1?
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 OP, if your ex still feels love for you, it's not rational; it's emotional. Airline tickets are superfluous. Trust me I'll respect your decision and not offer alternative counsel. Best wishes with NC What does superfluous mean? I know you said you'll respect my decision, but I'm really really curious what you actually think many times!! lol If you were me, what would you have done? I'm just curious...I won't let it affect my decision.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 You're talking of ex#2? If that really was the case, it'd actually make me feel better. But he claims it wasn't the sex, it was other stuff... Besides, I never gave ex#2 that much sexual attention to begin with...we never even had actual intercourse ever. How does that relate to my current situation with ex#1? Because you brought up ex #2 in your OP. And dry humping and all the other sexual stuff you did was still sexual. Taking away all that made an impact on him staying with you whether you admit it or not. I mean, I remember reading how you planned on stopping some pretty basic stuff (kissing). Stop going around in a freaking circle. Meet a guy who will wait for marriage. The end.
boldjack Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I think that you should leave well enough, alone, Conehead. You are beginning to realize that you have maturity issues, and re-connecting with ex#1 will cause either or both of you trouble. If he visits, three things will probably happen. 1) you will refuse to have sex with him, and he will be pissed/hurt, and spent his money for nothing. 2) he will bring up your cheating, and you will feel guilty and have sex with him, which will make you feel bad. 3) You will both fall madly in love, and live happily ever after. Which do you think is going to happen? It is better for you and him to call it quits and go NC. Find a local man, and DON'T CHEAT AGAIN!!
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Because you brought up ex #2 in your OP. And dry humping and all the other sexual stuff you did was still sexual. Taking away all that made an impact on him staying with you whether you admit it or not. I mean, I remember reading how you planned on stopping some pretty basic stuff (kissing). Stop going around in a freaking circle. Meet a guy who will wait for marriage. The end. It's not me not admitting ex#2 left because of lack of sex, HE was the one who didn't want to admit it. Inside, I know it was the sex issue. But I can't say it was so officially because he won't admit it. Note, I never wanted to stop kissing. Kissing and cuddling are always ok in my book lol. Btw, ex#1 already said he'd wait for a girl if she was worth it. Ex#2 never said he'd wait... Now these are just the facts I've given above, and I like to play devil's advocate so I can get different views on things. It doesnt necessarily mean I'd decide to meet up with ex#1 and have hopes to live happily ever after. I'm not that hopeful it will work....
GorillaTheater Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Now these are just the facts I've given above, and I like to play devil's advocate so I can get different views on things. If anybody has advised you to forget about both guys and spend a good amount of time getting your act together and growing up a little more before finding some future Guy #3, that would be the view I'd agree with.
carhill Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Superfluous means beyond what is required or sufficient. To me, it's an indicator of emotional processing. As others have said, it could be calculated, but you know ex#1's psychology better than we do. My opinion is likely the wrong one to ask for since I don't see travel as anything significant in this dynamic. To me, it's like going down the street. Would I go down the street to meet with my stbx and hear what she had to say and communicate with her? Sure. I don't place that significant of meaning on any one event or action. To me, it's continuity and time which indicate intent. Time reveals all truths. What I'm hearing from you is that you still have strong feelings for ex#1 and fear those feelings clouding your judgment about what's healthy for you. If so, fair enough. That's why I respect your rational desire for NC. Perhaps, with a different perspective, you can approach your dynamic with ex#1 differently in the future. In the meantime, work on yourself, and, as others have suggested, seek out young men local to you for companionship. Since you're clear about not having sex until married, companionship will be your primary dynamic. Own that. Enjoy it
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 It's not me not admitting ex#2 left because of lack of sex, HE was the one who didn't want to admit it. Inside, I know it was the sex issue. But I can't say it was so officially because he won't admit it. Note, I never wanted to stop kissing. Kissing and cuddling are always ok in my book lol. Btw, ex#1 already said he'd wait for a girl if she was worth it. Ex#2 never said he'd wait... Now these are just the facts I've given above, and I like to play devil's advocate so I can get different views on things. It doesnt necessarily mean I'd decide to meet up with ex#1 and have hopes to live happily ever after. I'm not that hopeful it will work.... He told you that long distant relationships don't work for him. Obviously you're not worth it to him.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 He told you that long distant relationships don't work for him. Obviously you're not worth it to him. Wow, you seem to try to be hurtful...not sure why it seems you have that desire. I remember you from the previous threads. I've told ex#2 numerous times that I can't do LD before and after he asked us to be together...but after some more thought, I decided to go for it. Things aren't black and white, and they aren't always that obvious. Maybe you are right, but maybe you are wrong. Only my ex knows but we can't read his mind.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Wow, you seem to try to be hurtful...not sure why it seems you have that desire. I remember you from the previous threads. I've told ex#2 numerous times that I can't do LD before and after he asked us to be together...but after some more thought, I decided to go for it. Things aren't black and white, and they aren't always that obvious. Maybe you are right, but maybe you are wrong. Only my ex knows but we can't read his mind. It's about being honest. He told you something doesn't work for him, he's not willing to try, so why would you be worth waiting for marriage? Perhaps you should let him come visit and see what really happens. I think that is the only way you'll learn.
Author conehead Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 It's about being honest. He told you something doesn't work for him, he's not willing to try, so why would you be worth waiting for marriage? Perhaps you should let him come visit and see what really happens. I think that is the only way you'll learn. He said long distance doesnt work for him in general. He never said he was not willing to try or that he'd never do LD...and he said this 1.5 months ago right after I told him about my breakup with ex#2. He hasn't said it since then. I don't know. I mean people change their minds all the time. That's how people breakup, or get back together, or get a divorce, or get married to someone they never thought possible...those things happen because people change their minds... Ex#1 did tell me that at the time he sent that heartfelt email to me 8 months ago, he had thoughts of us getting back together...that he had wanted us to meet and start over and see how it goes from there...he obviously changed his mind from say the day we broke up when he told me that it was completely over and that there's no future for us. He went from 'its over' to 'we can start over'. After all this discussion I may still decide to stick to NC in the very end...but its something worth thinking about at least for me.
jw90063 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Conehead, not every guy will think you are not worth, whether its because of LD or waiting to have sex. Its interesting how some people think they know it all, but they are the ones screwy in the head 100%. Don't take what some people say that seriously. I hope things work out for you Conehead.
dreamergrl Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Conehead, not every guy will think you are not worth, whether its because of LD or waiting to have sex. Its interesting how some people think they know it all, but they are the ones screwy in the head 100%. Don't take what some people say that seriously. I hope things work out for you Conehead. No one, including me, said all guys would think this. But the guy she wants is saying it to her that he doesn't want a long distant relationship and that only if a girl is worth it will he wait for sex. Now why, if he doesn't want a relationship with her long distance, will he wait for sex with her? She needs to be honest with herself about that instead of trying to validate having him come see her.
Author conehead Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 So, we talked on the phone last night. I asked him why we he wants to come visit me and he said just to get away, like a vacation. He told me it seems like I'm trying to talk myself out of it and I said I am, that I don't think it's a good idea because I'm not good with hanging out with people I've been with before. He said he's very disappointed because he was very excited to come see me. I said it would be pointless for him to take the time/effort to see me. Then he asked 'so you don't think there's a future for us?' and I said 'I live 400 miles away now, there's no point' and he asked 'so you dont think you'll move back up here?' and I said 'no I wont, and you obiviously won't either because you just bought a house.' He said what's the point of us talking if we'll never meet, and also said 'so you dont want to see me...ever again?' and I told him not to put it that way and he got somewhat angry at me saying 'but that's basically what you're saying here.' He said 'you're just pushing me away, you're pushing me away!' I told him I don't want to, but I just want to do what's rational. Seems like our conversation started out with him just wanting to visit me to hang out casually, like all you said, then somehow it turned to him asking me if we'd have a future and him saying I'm pushing him away. I'm not sure which one it is but either way, I don't see a future for us....
carhill Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Hopefully your honesty will sufficiently motivate him to resolve his feelings for you and move on to a woman who is more compatible with himself. Sounds like a good resolution, albeit a painful one.
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