R2D Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 We have been married 18 years. He is a good guy, does not cheat on or beat me but I am miserable and I truly believe he is too. The biggest issue is his inability to make a decision. He is passive aggressive and won't make a choice. We are talking everything; from where do you want to eat dinner to money to sex. He told me he is afraid to make the wrong choice. He is a bit depressed and on an anti depressant. He is not interested in counseling (most men aren't in my opinion). I asked him why he is afraid to make the wrong choice and he said that he doesn't want to deal with me being disappointed. I think his self esteem is very low right now. I am far from perfect and know it takes 2 in the relationship. I make a point to praise him for the smallest of decisions any time he makes them & try yo build up his confidence. I feel responsible because early in our relationship (before kids) I made most decisions and he agrees that early on we established this pattern. It always takes two to get where you are, no blame just differences. Fast forward to now and I can't deal with having everything on my shoulders. We have 2 needy kids both with special needs and I do all their medical and educational coordination. I handle all the finances (I have begged him to take them over for 2 years to take a little off of me) and I make as much money as he does, work full time just like he does. We both chip in doing the chores and he is a GREAT Dad. Sadly the last 5-7 years I have felt more lonely in the marriage and that "spark" or heat has not come back. Usually I would have the spark come and go but now it is gone. I even fantasize every time we are together physically about a fictitious lover. I feel like I am lying every time we are together and I have tried everything I can think of to reconnect. I am not telling him where my mind is because it will hurt him. When I tell him I need help because stress and the burdens are getting to me - he truly thinks I am just blowing smoke. So I started to turn to my sister and friend (female) for advice and not him which makes things worse. I have prayed, gone to counseling alone and read every book I can think of and still I feel that the situation is unworkable and unacceptable unless I can accept things as they are. I feel like the worst kind of bitch because in order to be happy, I feel I will make him sad. I do think he is unhappy as well but hasn't realized it yet. Is this just midlife crisis? Any suggestions? Thank you.
sb129 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Is he totally against couples counselling? If he is on antidepressants then some form of counselling would probably be beneficial to him- it annoys me when doctors just throw drugs at a problem without trying to get to the root cause, esp with mental health issues. A pill isn't going to solve everything.
Author R2D Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 I do need to mention that we are separated for the past 6 months. He has dated and I recently went out on a first date which was awful. I am not ready. He has dated a quite a few times and as crazy as this sounds - I think he is trying to build up his confidence but in the wrong way.
Author R2D Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 We went for 6 sessions, a male counselor and he barely talked.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 R2D The short story is he doesn't listen and if he is not willing to change the future of the M is dim at best. It is your life, you have to find the path to your own happiness, if he is not willing to participate and walk with you, there is not much you can do, so you are not the worst kind of bitch I am curious as to who decided on the separation and other than his dating what has been his other reactions?
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