Nuala83 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) Well, me and my ex are very much back together now after approx 7 months being broken up. My story We'd been together 7 years, been best friends for 9 years and in March of this year he abbruptly broke things off. We'd had a very happy relationship so it came as a complete shock to me. About a month or two before the break up there were a couple of signs that things weren't right but I didn't notice them at the time. When he broke things off I didn't take him seriously. I thought he might have just been having a hard time recently and he would eventually come to his senses so I talked to him and tried to reason with him but to no avail. Then I decided remaining friends would be the best thing and I convinced myself that the whole thing would soon blow over and we'd be back together. Didn't happen. He continued to call me and treat me like he had done before minus all the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Whenever I talked to hime he just said he 'couldn't be in a relationship right now' and 'he wasn't happy with his life' and 'wanted to be single'. By that time it really started to hit me that this was real and panic mode set in. I cried, and fought with him and begged and did everything that you shouldn't do when someone breaks up with you. And I mean everything (yes sex included!). That's when pics of him and another girl started appearing all over his myspace/facebook etc. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. He said they were not an item and they were just friends but pics of her were appearing everywhere and I hated it. I called him up and hurled abuse down the phone at him on numerous occasions. Then I found this place and upon the advice of others tried to implement 'No Contact'. I succeeded...then failed....then tried again...then crumbled. This went on and on and during this time he contacted me a couple of times begging me to remain his 'friend'. Each time I said no but I didn't follow through. The after about 5 months of hell I tried again to be freinds with him. We became close, I thought things were going great and I once again spilled my heart out to him. He rejected me and by that time I'd had enough. I told him I couldn't stand this anymore and he had to leave me alone to move on. He didn't want to but I couldn't take anymore pain. So I cut him off. For the next month or so I didn't contact him once. I deleted my facebook account (yes deleted not just de-friended) I asked my flatmate to tell him I was out if he called, I kept my mobile off as much as I could and I stayed away from everywhere I thought I might bump into him. I even deleted my blogs and other networking sites and set up new ones so he had no access to any info on what I was up to. I just wanted contact cut totally. During this time he tried to call a couple of times, he sent a couple of friendly 'how are you' texts. I didn't reply. I thought he had a cheek! Then after roughly a month without contact he phoned me and I (not realising it was him) picked up. He asked for me back. I refused. Days later I got a 10 page apology letter detailing how sorry he was and how much he missed me. I read it but didn't respond. This went on and on and on (I can't go into all the details) until I eventually agreed to meet. Over the next few weeks he continued to appologise a lot but I wasn't ready keen to geth back together because of the hurt he caused me so we just hung out and talked every so often. Just recently I decided to take the big risk of giving things another go. So now we're back together and he's keen to celebrate our 8 year anniversary (even thought we've had 7 months apart). It's early days yet, I'm still slightly unsure and I know second chances don't always turn out but on the other hand, sometimes they do! And if anyone's reading this I just want them to know a few things: 1) Don't worry too much if you acting crazy after the breakup cos almost everyone does it. 2) It took me a long time to start to accept the breakup and try to rebuild my life. About 6 months I'd say so don't worry if you're 4, 5 or 6 months down the line and you're not over it. 3) Second chances do happen. I promise you that. No one can say whether it'll happen for you or not but they're not as rare as people sometimes make them out to be. 4) people get back together through a variety of ways. Some people cut contact, some people retain some contact, some people even stay friends. But you have to do what's right for you. My bf told me that he never expected our breakup to last so long and that he just felt suffocated. Maybe if I'd just backed off and given him space for a few weeks we wouldn't have been apart for 7 months. 5) Stay away from facebook! Just trust me on that one. Oh and I'd also like to add that since I accepted the breakup, I started a new path of self improvement/discovery. I like to think that wether I'm with someone or not, I'll be doing just fine. Edited October 9, 2009 by Nuala83
bluewolf17 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Yaah Nuala83! I am so happy for you! After 7.5 months my ex and I are together again too! I'm glad we both got our happy ending. :bunny:
Author Nuala83 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Yaah Nuala83! I am so happy for you! After 7.5 months my ex and I are together again too! I'm glad we both got our happy ending. :bunny: Hahaha snap! Who would have thought it after all the sh*t we both went through. Big hugs all round
dianna Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 nuala. happy to see that second chanced work ...I feel you ..Im in the paranoid mood right now ( 3 months of break up after 2 and a half years relationship )..and somehow deep inside I feel we are going to be back togheter and somehow on the outside I highly doubt it..wish I was in your shoes lol ..lucky
Author Nuala83 Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 nuala. happy to see that second chanced work ...I feel you ..Im in the paranoid mood right now ( 3 months of break up after 2 and a half years relationship )..and somehow deep inside I feel we are going to be back togheter and somehow on the outside I highly doubt it..wish I was in your shoes lol ..lucky I remember how that felt Dianna. A few months back I was looking for success stories and thinking god those lucky b*stards! Why can't that be me?? Yet at the same time I was thinking deep down, we're bound to get together again sometime. Just goes to show I s'pose. Give it some time, maybe things will be different down the road.
angelface78 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Im going through the exact same thing. 5 year relationship. Broke up 3 months ago. He has a new girl but wont say she is his girlfriend but there are pics of them on HER myspace. I want to delete my myspace...should I??? Should i do that???
Author Nuala83 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Im going through the exact same thing. 5 year relationship. Broke up 3 months ago. He has a new girl but wont say she is his girlfriend but there are pics of them on HER myspace. I want to delete my myspace...should I??? Should i do that??? Well from personal experience I found the whole social networking thing too much after my breakup. All the messages and photos and 'Is he checking up on me' 'should I check up on him' stuff sent me round the bend. Although I desperately wanted to know what he was up to, I didn't at the same time. Deleting my networking sites was the best thing I could do because it took away the temptation to check and see if he was with her and once I got used to that, I started to get back to normal. It's very hard to accept a breakup when you can see everything your ex is up to especially if there's someone new on the scene. I also think it can hinder the chance of getting back together. Do what you feel is best for you.
wanjirum Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Hi Nuala, I know I have been off the site for a while. But I am so excited for you. I always thought it would work out and it sounds like true reconcialition. Sadly I got back from home and what I thought was true reconcialition ended up with me falling flat on my face again. But happy to hear you sounding so happy. And coming back to encourage us. TC
Soul Bear Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I was wondering when you were going to post this up on here
LostLozz Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Nuala I am thrilled for you and thankful for your post. It is a little bit of inspiration that is much needed for a person like me, searching for every glimmer of hope. My 18 month relationship ended 2 months ago all because my ex is a commitment phobe. He obviously felt trapped and has since told me that he just wanted things to slow down. The way he went about it was very painful and I couldn't understand why he tried to sabotage our fantastic relationship. I have pretty much done all of the bad break-up things that should be avoided. I screamed, begged and cried. I tried to be friend but then couldn't because I would get so angry. I deleted him off of FB and went NC on him. Through this period we have both broken the NC and eventually I allowed him to creep back in and be my friend again. I added him on FB and now he writes all over my status updates for contact. Last weekend he invited me out for a drink, the first time I had seen him for a number of weeks. Stupidly I allowed us to be intimate again. I have had little contact from him, all based on friendship again! I am confused as what to do next. We work in the same job and my new position now allows me to see him more regularly. I can't do NC when at work because it would be unprofessional and I don't want to have an atmosphere on show for our colleagues. All I want is for him to have his space, sort his head out and come back to me when he is ready. I am finding it increasingly hard to keep this act up that I am fine just being his mate!!! Please help me
Author Nuala83 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 (edited) My 18 month relationship ended 2 months ago all because my ex is a commitment phobe. He obviously felt trapped and has since told me that he just wanted things to slow down. That might not be the bad thing you think it is (I say might because obviously I don't know this guy). Sometimes people do get a bit freaked out when they've been in a relationship a while and they want to be 'just them' again. You haven't mentioned anyone else being involved or cheating or anything like that so I'm assuming that hasn't gone on. Through this period we have both broken the NC and eventually I allowed him to creep back in and be my friend again. I added him on FB and now he writes all over my status updates for contact. Possible reasons for breaking NC: 1) he still cares about you in a friend sort of way. 2) He wants to make sure you're not seeing anyone else. 3) He still has feelings for you. 2 and 3 are pretty similar because if he's worried about you seeing someone else, there's still something there. Last weekend he invited me out for a drink, the first time I had seen him for a number of weeks. Stupidly I allowed us to be intimate again. I have had little contact from him, all based on friendship again!. Haahaha oh god I've been there! I did the exact same thing about 1.5 months post breakup. Didn't work obviously. It never does. At least you know it was a mistake so you wont do it again. When I did this I got upset afterwards and it was the first time I'd ever seen my ex look at me with pity. The fact that he invited you out could indicate that he still cares but it's hard to know how much. All I want is for him to have his space, sort his head out and come back to me when he is ready. I am finding it increasingly hard to keep this act up that I am fine just being his mate!!! If this guy still loves you, if he's a good man and if the relationship was as great as you say it was, then there is a chance that all he needs is time and space and to sort his head out. But if you're finding it too hard to keep up the act of being his mate it might be worth your while just telling him that the next time he mentions friendship to you. My ex was also keen to be friends but when it all got too much for me I told him I couldn't do it anymore. he phoned and asked me if I wanted to meet up and I replied with "I'm not interested in a friendship". I didn't get upset or talk things through or get into ANY sort of dialogue. I just told him that. He asked why and I said "It's not fair on me. I wanted a relationship but since we can't have that, I don't want to go back to being friends. it's too difficult". Then I told him I had to go and i did. Any time after that when he called me (thinking that in a few days I would have changed my mind) I repeated that I wasn't interested in friendship (without being rude) and I think that was a major turning point for him. That meant that he had to really take some time and think about what he was gonna do. I should stress though that if you say you don't want a friendship you have to follow through!!! I am confused as what to do next. The best advice I got after my breakup (which I didn't take till many months down the line) was "DO NOTHING" 2 months is a very short breakup time and through looking at other "success stories" the average reconciliation time seems to be somewhere between 6 and 18 months. Sounds long I know but that's just what I've seen! If you're not seeing him, if you're not sleeping with him, if you're not being his friend, then you're not letting him have his cake and eat it too. If he is just confused and he still loves you, he might well be back but only time will tell. Maybe somewhere down the line you will want to be friends again but for now if it's hurting you maybe you shouldn't do it. Edited October 11, 2009 by Nuala83
selena_cat Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Hey Nuala, Long time no hear:) actually today i read something that you wrote me about temporarily going NC,well in my case,I guess he did me a favor i havent heard from him in going 3 weeks,maybe he did me a huge favor, but hearing your good news is inspiring. really is cutting contact the best bet? don't want to get my hopes high but cant help but wondring sometimes if anything wil work that will. congrats to you!
dianna Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 nuala- so you were single all the time? or you had dates? how about him? my ex had a ..fling..for a couple of days or a week or so this summer and im so scared he is going to find another one ..
Author Nuala83 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Dianna - I was single all the time we were apart. About 5 months in I met someone I liked a lot but because I was still hung up on my ex nothing happened between us. I went out as friends with him a couple of times but nothing more. As for my bf/ex, he made a big deal of stating the fact he wanted to remain single. He was hanging around with another girl a lot after we broke up, he claims as a friend. Others have told me they spent a lot of time together but never dated. I can't say for certain what happened between them but I don't believe he cheated and from looking at all the evidence I don't think he broke up with me to pursue anyone else (although I was convinced of that at the time). Your ex may well find someone else and have a fling or get another partner but that doesn't mean it will last and sadly as hurtful as it is, there's nothing you can do about it. When you break up with someone, it's much better that you don't know what they're up to, even if the curiosity's killing you.
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