Cranialrupture Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I am new to this forum and am totally lost in here and in life. My wife of 11 years just left me last saturday. The reasons she gave me was that she's not happy anymore and that she doesn't love me anymore. This came out of the blue and is completely devastating. She says that I lost her years ago and that she hasn't been happy for years. I am struggling really bad in trying to accept this because we have had alot of intimate and loving moments in the last few years. As she walked out the door with the three kids she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear saying "just give me time". The next day she came over with the kids and got some of her stuff out of the house. I begged and pleaded, saying it wasn't fair to me or the family to not have a chance to fix things or even try to fix them. She just absolutely refused to listen to anything I said. She continued to tell the devastated kids that she is leaving me and never coming back. Then as I am sitting at the counter I ask her "Do I even have a chance" and she nods her head yes. Anyways I will try and shorten this up a little. I have been not doing well to the point I have made myself sick with lack of sleep, not eating, fear of loosing her forever, fear of the future, fear of everything. I am frustrated because she wont listen to reason. She won't even try to fix things or even go to counseling. She just refuses and keeps saying she's done. I am lost because in one sentence she says give her time and that I have a chance at getting her back, but then in the next line she's not willing to do or try anything. We have been through alot together. She has not had an easy life. She grew up in a broken home where the mom has been divorced 5 times now. The real dad was nowhere growing up and she was sexually abused by her various step dads. I helped her out of that life and into a new life. We have lost two kids to death and still have three very healthy kids. 12, 9 and 6. She says I am her Savior, but then turns right away from me. Now I have some major issues that I have realized since she has left and have been trying to correct them. She also has some issues that she acknowledges but thats all she does is acknowledge them. Anyways I will shut up for the time being. I know I have to focus on myself and be strong for the kids, which I am trying really hard to do, but I so just want to give up at times. It is so hard and no one seems to be on the same page as me as far as wanting to save a marriage. They are all pushing for moving on instead of fixing. Any advice on how to proceed to make it through the days and to get my wife and family back would be greatly appreciated.
quankanne Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 until she comes to you and sincerely tells you that she wants to work on saving the marriage, the only option you've got is to focus on helping yourself through this crisis, knowing that there's a strong possibility you might not remained married. I know this isn't what you're hoping to hear, but sugarcoating things is just being cruel, you know? maybe this time apart will give her the opportunity to figure out what's making her unhappy and how to fix it, which would allow her to address your relationship in a fairer manner than just a reactionary "I'm not happy, I'm leaving" kind of way.
Logik Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I'm in the same boat. Almost exactly the same. I didn't get the "You have a chance" nod though. I was where you're at 3 months ago. I've lost 30lbs, couldn't eat, sleep or work. I know that all you want to do is save your marriage and not let go, but believe me when I tell you this, nothing you do will bring her back. And I mean nothing. The more you try to get through to her, the further you're gonna push her. Don't make this mistake, as hard as it is, don't do it. You need to let her deal with what she's going through by herself. Do not, under any circumstances try to discuss your marriage with her, unless she brings it up. Try to have as little contact (LC) as possible. Only make the contact about finances or the kids, nothing else. As for you, there's no real advice that'll really get you out of feeling like you've just been run over by an 18 wheeler carrying 300 tons of timber. Things like exercise, eating right and hobbies do help, but I know you don't have the drive to do any of that. The best thing I did is finding someone to talk to about this, whether it's a councilor or a friend. I have someone to talk to who's going through a similar situation, so we kinda feed off each other. The other thing that really helped me was hanging out with old friends. Just talking about old times and relaxing around people you feel comfortable with. Also watching a few of your favourite movies. These are all suggestions that you'll hear, and maybe even a few more, but you need to find what works for you. You need to find yourself. You need to get to a place where you're happy to be alone. You need to be the best YOU that you can be. Think about it this way. The only person that you're guaranteed to be with for the rest of your life, is yourself. So strive to make that person happy first, before you focus on others in your life. Now you're probably wondering how long it's gonna take for the situation to get out of the front of your mind, it's always there, you're always thinking about it. It distracts you from everything else. I can tell you that 3 months later, I still have it there. Not as the main feature, but it still lingers. I used to always question, why me? Well, your life throws certain tests at you. These tests are designed to teach us something. We can choose to take the test and earn the grades or choose to ignore the test and fail. Don't ignore the test. Time will tell what lessons you need to learn from this. I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, trust me, I know how you feel. It does get easier. Keep posting. LS really helps me get through things. Some awesome people here.
Aksion Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Similar situation here as well, except no kids, and like Logik, I didn't get the "you still have a chance nod". She told me she wasn't happy anymore and she doesn't love me anymore. No reasoning, just that. Doesn't want to talk to me right now and yes, I also pleaded with my wife but to no avail as in your scenario. My situation is still in the beginning stages as well and I have to be honest with you, it really is all you're going to think about. Took me 3 days of not sleeping before I ventured out for sleeping pills just so I could function at work in the mornings. I've lost 10lbs in under 2 weeks, and it only is seemingly getting harder. Thankfully, like myself, you found this website. These folks on here have given me a lot of great advice -- and while I am still struggling with it, I know I have somewhere to turn that is outside of the situation as a whole. Logik gives some great advice, don't over look what he says to you. You really just have to focus on your Star Player for the time being, i.e you.
confused71 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 My wife of 11 years just left me last saturday. The reasons she gave me was that she's not happy anymore and that she doesn't love me anymore. This came out of the blue and is completely devastating. She says that I lost her years ago and that she hasn't been happy for years.. Hmmm....are you sure there is not another man involved???The reason I say this is because of the 'havent been happy for years 'line. I would do some secret checking if I were you. Read through some more threads on here.A lot start out like yours only for the truth about OM to eventually come out. Hopefully this is not the case in your situation...but as I said ...do some undercover checking IE:phone bills and computer. best of luck.
Author Cranialrupture Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you for all the advice so far. I am feeling alot better right now, I am at the top of my rollercoaster atm but I know that I will crash again soon, so its good to know that I can turn here for advice. I do have a couple more questions to throw out there. I am trying to back off and not talk to her as much as possible and only talk about general stuff. She says that we are still best friends and wants to keep it that way. Is this good or bad? And we set a time that we are meeting sunday to go through stuff from the house that she wants to take. I am really scared that by doing that with her because it will cause me to crash really hard again going into monday. She also keeps wanting more and more stuff and keeps using the kids as an excuse. Any advice on a way around this or how to approach this without causing a huge confrontation. My heart says give her whatever she wants but my mind says that she decided to leave and is now just as responsible to take of the kids as I am and that if she can't take care of them, then I will. Which of course I get the "your going to try to take the kids away from me" followed by tears, yelling and chaos.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Carnial Don't be a doormat. Don't let her take all of the kids stuff, they will need it when they visit you. No pleading, begging, crying, etc. I know in your heart that is the way you feel, but in her eyes it is not the man she fell in love with and married. CYA - see and attorney and find out your rights, it will make her mad, but she is already mad, and you are doing it for you and the kids. The I don't love you any more is a red flag for there to be an OM. Look in to it. She is lying, it sounds as if she had some of this pre-planned, where did she move to, parents, apartment, she had something prepared, so don't buy the "You have a chance" line, it might be a ploy Also take the "You have a chance" with a grain of salt, if she is already moving out. She is
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