ecm Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 My question: if you realize you made a mistake, would there be anything that would stop you from trying to get back together with your ex? I sometimes worry that if my ex hears I've been talking to someone (well, actuslly a few fellas here and there), he'll be hesitant to call b/c he has a fear of rejection. We took a break. It's been a month. I'm moving on. I know I have to. It is just so hard NOT to think about things that could prevent him from coming back when if he ever pulls his head out of his a$s. I know, I know. People will say things like "stop thinking about him", "he's not coming back" "work on you"...and I appreciate that advice. I just don't want to waste time hanging out with a guy I don't really care about if I might mess up the chance at getting back with my ex. Stupid. I know. I'm just thinking a lot today. Any opinions/ advice/ back-hands are appreciated. Thanks.
Ronni_W Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hugs, ecm. I know how it goes on those days when our thinking just gets the better of us. There really isn't any opinion/advice that will NOT be what you don't want to hear but I suspect you already know that(?) So mostly...I'm just letting you know that I heard you. Other thoughts: First he's going to have to pull his head out of his ass. Then he's going to have to find the 'nads to admit that he made a mistake. Then he's going to still have to be in that same space that he was whenever you guys met/got together, so that he will feel that same spark/attraction and get into a relationship with you (again.) But. If he is still in that same space, then his head is still gonna be up his ass, etc., etc...and you just end up right back here Life and Love...what is a gal (or guy) to do?
Author ecm Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks, RonniW. I swear, I just got teary after just reading "hugs" in your message. Some days I think I don't care, then other days (certain moodier days of the month) I get sad. He is just such a moron. I know I shouldn't be worried about what HE is thinking, but I just always think/worry that the littlest thing would make him scared to call. Nothing would scare me off from something I wanted, but I don't know about him. I mean, I know he obviously wants his space right now, so he does not "want" to be with me. But if he realized he made a mistake, I just don't know what he'd do b/c he kind of sits back-very non-confrontational. Thanks for listening.
hoping2heal Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 My question: if you realize you made a mistake, would there be anything that would stop you from trying to get back together with your ex? I sometimes worry that if my ex hears I've been talking to someone (well, actuslly a few fellas here and there), he'll be hesitant to call b/c he has a fear of rejection. We took a break. It's been a month. I'm moving on. I know I have to. It is just so hard NOT to think about things that could prevent him from coming back when if he ever pulls his head out of his a$s. I know, I know. People will say things like "stop thinking about him", "he's not coming back" "work on you"...and I appreciate that advice. I just don't want to waste time hanging out with a guy I don't really care about if I might mess up the chance at getting back with my ex. Stupid. I know. I'm just thinking a lot today. Any opinions/ advice/ back-hands are appreciated. Thanks. Well, why are you "hanging out" and "spending time" with a guy you don't really care about to begin with?
Author ecm Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Well, why are you "hanging out" and "spending time" with a guy you don't really care about to begin with? I didn't phrase that too well. If I didn't like someone at all, I wouldn't spend time any extended period of time with them. I meant more like if one of his friend's saw me out with a guy or something and it got back to him. Since it would probably be in the "early stages" I probably wouldn't be too far into a new guy...if that makes any more sense??
hoping2heal Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Okay I understand. Here is the thing, HE broke up with you. That was his decision, why on earth, are you putting your life on hold for someone who dumped you? Maybe he will come back, maybe he never will but regardless you are doing nothing wrong to move along with your life. You can't keep it on the pause button on the off chance he does come back one day, it isn't fair to yourself. Being that HE ended things with you, then it's a consequence he is just going to have to deal with that you are out with other men. If it deters him from trying to come back because someone saw you out one time with a new man than that is his problem. You have no idea if he isn't seeing other women. It's just not a good thing to put your life on pause for someone that dumped you.
Author ecm Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Hey hoping2heal I'm definitely not putting my life on hold. I just think too much. He initiated the break up but as far as he knows (even thought it was maybe not tooooo convincing) it was mutual. So, I've been doing my thang, just asking what people think. If you wanted someone back, would anything stop you? (I believe we've talked before about this... I think I know your answer as you turned things around with your guy ) I would not let anything get in the way. But I think there are some people who wouldn't, so I was just asking around.
PinkToes Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Here's what I think: If he dumped you and he wants to get back with you, he's gonna have to step it up. So in my mind, that means he'd have to carry the weight of that decision, and not hold anything against you that you did after you became single again. And if he did, he wouldn't deserve you, and your wiser self would realize that too ('cuz our hearts get all confused when we're in love, so sometimes we downplay what our heads know to be true). And personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering such things a month after the break -- especially since you're already moving on, which I think deserves a lot of credit! So I wouldn't worry about it. If he's worth it, he won't care what happened after he lost his mind. ;-)
hoping2heal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hey hoping2heal I'm definitely not putting my life on hold. I just think too much. He initiated the break up but as far as he knows (even thought it was maybe not tooooo convincing) it was mutual. So, I've been doing my thang, just asking what people think. If you wanted someone back, would anything stop you? (I believe we've talked before about this... I think I know your answer as you turned things around with your guy ) I would not let anything get in the way. But I think there are some people who wouldn't, so I was just asking around. As the dumper; no I wouldn't let anything stop me but if I dump you I doubt I'm going to regret it, so there's only a small chance of that anyhow. As the dumpee? I never persue people after they end a relationship with me.
Ronni_W Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hey ecm, Hope you're feeling better today - more grounded, centred, calm...whatever "better" may be for you. (Sorry I got you teary-eyed yesterday ) The other side of him thinking that the break-up was mutual is that he may have totally turned it around in his head, and is now feeling like the sole aggrieved/rejected ex. It could also add to him thinking that he most definitely did NOT make a mistake. I get that there's a part of you that still does care, and that you're having a tough time calling this one a write-off at this time. It's perfectly fine -- be kind to and gentle with your Self until you get there. Sending rainbows and angels.
leap83 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hey ecm. I know exactly how you feel because I'm there. I'm feeling the same way except I don't really care whether it will ruin my chances or not. You know why? Because he deserted us. He left us. He was the one who created problems for us. And I don't need that. I don't need additional problems in my life. Thus, I don't need him and I don't want him and even if he came back, I wouldn't want him back. I miss him. Terribly. I wonder what he's doing. I want to send him a "Happy Thanksigiving" e-mail and I'm still thinking whether I should. Maybe I should. But you need to move on. I've been talking with a couple of people too. It's hard. I know. Because all you think about is him. But distract yourself. I have a feeling they will never get their head out of their butt. They will always be negative. And in reality, it wasn't a MUTUAL break-up. It was one sided - he wanted it, you agreed to it. But HE wanted it. Not YOU. I'm here for you any time. You can PM me if you want to talk things through. Hugs
Metal_Muffin Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Oooo i know what you mean...I worry about the same. I broke up with my boyfriend and im worrying about things i said etc will stop him coming back to me or at least getting in contact but you cant leave yourself waiting and you do need to put yourself first hun. Make yourself happy and think about YOU for a bit. x
Author ecm Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks everyone. I was so excited to see responses when I got home tonight. RonniW- you almost did it again!!! LOL. I went away for the weekend. My sister and her girlfriend rented a lakehouse for a "fall weekend". It's funny how when you go somewhere (even only an hour away) it's easier to get your mind off things. (Well, it worked for me anyway) Then, in the car on the way home tonight every slow song made me want to drive into oncoming traffic. (ok, maybe I'm exaggerating). Anyway, I suggest everyone take a mini-vaca. I was proud of myself when i realized I really didn't think about him too much this weekend.
Author ecm Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 I'm here for you any time. You can PM me if you want to talk things through. Hugs Thanks. I don't have pm, yet, apparently. I think maybe I need to be a member a month first??
quarterlifecrisis Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 This may be "evil" or give you false hope, but I am a guy who more or less initiated a mutual break up by being commitment phobic. As soon as she started dating another guy, I went crazy and wanted her back like none other. She said no and that's why I'm heartbroken and on these forums now...but maybe you would say yes. And if you say no, you have a new guy that you like. The key is not to just date whoever is around but only get involved if there is someone you are legitimately attracted to - I would also tread slowly.
harmfulsweetz Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Hmm...tricky one. I think you shouldn't focus on the what if? What if may never happen, if it were when he comes back, I would say fair enough, but it's if. You can't focus on something that may happen, or that may not. You must focus on the 'will happen' etc. He may never pull that head out of his a$$ that may not be a bad thing, not for you anyway. You said you are moving on, so keep on moving. There will always be that shred of doubt, always, no matter the situation, but listen to your instincts. You can do this, it will be hard, there'll be times when he's all you think about, all you want, need, but that's withdrawal for you. If a slow song, a place reminds you of him, associate it with something else. You like the song because the vocal is amazing, it's well ochestrated, well-written, whatever. Anything that makes you think less of him, and more about the song. Same with places-we all have those locations that remind us of certain people- you went there with ex then, did this there, well yes, they'll pop up from time to time. But if you like a certain park, or coffee shop, think about the other reasons you like them. I think most people on this forum are here for the same reasons, break ups are tough, even when just contemplating one (like me). Don't feel bad for talking, meeting other men, so what? He could be doing the very same thing right this moment. You have to move on some time, why not now? We all have rebound guys, many we aren't too hot on, but provided they know they are just a 'bit of fun' and happy to be such, no problem. Don't lead them on though. Focus on other things,enjoy all the freed up time, reward yourself when you think less about him one day, take time to reflect, and hang out with friends, family. Do the things he never allowed you to, or never had the time to do. Eventually, you'll find he enters your mind a little less each day, until he's not welcome there anymore.
harmfulsweetz Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 If I wanted someone back, it would be because they had changed, I had changed, significant changes they would be, and then I would try anything to get them back. However, I think sometimes what's broken should be left well alone, and you should move on to better things. I've gotten back with an ex before, and yep, you guessed it, we are back with problems, and on the verge of another break up. It didn't work then, it broke, we tried our best to fix it, all we did was paper over the cracks, that paper is now peeling, and well, I'm on my knees, sometimes wishing I'd spent the effort fixing myself, not the R. I'd be over him by now, if I'd let the break up take its course. Yet, I can't regret it, I've spent three years with a great guy, who has taught me so much, and I'm still learning. He's taught it is possible to love, and trust someone wholly, yet it's not enough. What's our problem? We are flawed as individuals. I never believe in this enough, because I don't think someone can actually love me, or want to be with me, and he is very much of the same opinion of himself. Strange isn't it? How we can f*** things up for ourselves? My point is, I've been there, I've gotten back with an ex, and we are back on the rocks again. Unless you both get personality transplants, or suddenly jump into changing your inherent ways, it often doesn't work. You are the same person you were when you broke up with that person, or were broken up with, yes, you can alter things, work on issues, but if these are issues within the individual, then that individual needs to work on them, individually. In my R, the problem is we aren't strong enough on our own, to even make a strong R.
leap83 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Hmmm... Maybe. I know you have to have over 100 posts and you do have that. But either way, you need to take your mind off of this and do something for yourself. So, I've been talking with a couple of guys but as my most recent thread points out, I'm stuck because they ALL look VERY young. And I'm not even kidding. Actually, talking with one of them yesterday made me miss my ex even more. So, I decided that I'm going to open up a flower shop. I'm not kidding. I love flowers and they bring joy to my life and to my apartment so I have decided to teach myself about all of these different kinds of flowers. Not only that... I've been cooking a lot. Cleaning a lot. And studying a lot. Do I miss him? Yes. I never sent that e-mail because I realized it has only been a month (not even) since our last convo. And it feels like it's been more than that. However, I feel like I'm in a different place right now. You need to get to that place - where you're content with yourself; with being alone; where being alone is not a problem. I'd say "screw dating" for awhile for both of us. They'll come to us. Believe that. If not now, later. I know mine won't come because I told him not to (his respect for me is great and thus, he won't cross that line) but yours might. As soon as you forget about him, he's bound to be back. But don't think about "what ifs". You need to move on and take care of yourself. As far as he is concerned, right now, he's the biggest loser ever and I say we beat them in their own game - that way they can feel like double losers when they talk with us. Thanks. I don't have pm, yet, apparently. I think maybe I need to be a member a month first??
leap83 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Scratch that. I just sent a "Happy Thanksgiving" e-mail to him. But I sent it to all these other people too. I'm too tired of playing games and yes, I'm very tenderhearted. That's me. If I seem too good to be true, then that's his problem. Not mine. And I'm not going to stop being nice just because our relationship didn't work out. Yes. I'm stubborn. Whether he replies or not, I don't care really. However, it shows who is the bigger person. I feel good about this. LOL
leap83 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 and he replied right away..... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
lostmirthfulness Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 With my last relation (the reason I am here), she dumped me something like 3 weeks ago, or not even that long yet. I have a date this coming friday. The lady knows where I am coming from and knows all about the relationship heartbreak. Our date is just a talk date really, and I've thought about my ex, what if she comes back and then gets pissed I was dating of sorts when she thought I should be morning. WE HAVE TO REMEMBER they broke up with us - they put US out to pasture. And chances are 99.9% that they are not coming back! This has to set in, and we have to move from there.
Author ecm Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 and he replied right away..... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... #1) Is it Thanksgiving somewhere today?? Or are you sending him one very early? (Ours isn't unitl November) #2) you cna't just say he responded and NOT SAY WHAT!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me? LOL:lmao:
Author ecm Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 With my last relation (the reason I am here), she dumped me something like 3 weeks ago, or not even that long yet. I have a date this coming friday. The lady knows where I am coming from and knows all about the relationship heartbreak. Our date is just a talk date really, and I've thought about my ex, what if she comes back and then gets pissed I was dating of sorts when she thought I should be morning. WE HAVE TO REMEMBER they broke up with us - they put US out to pasture. And chances are 99.9% that they are not coming back! This has to set in, and we have to move from there. Yeah, I know. It's just hard NOT to think about "what if's" ya know?
leap83 Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 It's Thanksgiving in Canada. I don't want to hijack your thread so here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205581/ He just thanked me for it, called me by my nickname and then put this very sad quote in it for my "collection of gifts" :S. VERY weird. Hope you're doing better.
Author ecm Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 It's Thanksgiving in Canada. I don't want to hijack your thread so here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205581/ He just thanked me for it, called me by my nickname and then put this very sad quote in it for my "collection of gifts" :S. VERY weird. Hope you're doing better. OMG, I hope I'm not a hijacker. I've definitely asked questions on people's threads. (I don't care on "mine", but I'll definitely start doing the link thing, too. Thanks. I'll have to check yours out when I get another break.
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