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Posted

I have a gut feeling he's cheating with his co-worker. (He always says she's annoying and ugly but lately he's added bubbly) However, I have no evidence... nothing on computer or phone. So, I asked him last night and he denied it so I really have no proof other than the butterflies in my stomach and doubt that I ever will.

 

He did say something weird though. I said, I've been trying to send you on more errands to see if you wanted to get out of the house more.... and you must not be cheating because you hate to run errands. LOL. His response... I guess a lot of guys would do that and put in a quick call to their mistress. I would never call someone from my cell phone... I know you would see the details on the bill and scroll through my contacts and see if any of the numbers were weird... then you'd make quick hang-up calls to them to see who it was....??? Could he have thought that up so quickly or is this something he's played over and over in his head and accidentally just slipped out?

 

Worry or not?

Posted

Honestly it doesn't sound like his comments are anything out of the ordinary. Most guys are wise to the cell phone being the easiest way to get caught now anyhow. Using Tracfones and work phones are just as easy. Still, one thing you may want to try (because I told my MM to cover his tracks on this) is to check the redial on all your phones after you get out of the shower or come home. Most guys don't think to clear that.

 

There is probably a reason for your discomfort - women do have a bit of a 6th sense about cheating, so it may be worth it to keep looking - emails, chat history, unexplained charges to credit cards, etc. If you feel compelled to go one step further, there's always keyloggers for the computer and checking his whereabouts by cellphone GPS, but I'd save that kind of thing until you have more than a hunch. It's higly invasive and if he's not cheating, he's probably going to REALLY resent those kind of things if he discovers what you've done.

Posted

My advice to you is this.

Since all you have is a hunch (which is cause for some alarm) do not go overboard. How well do you know the co-worker, have you met her. Is she really what your husband would thing is ugly or is he downplaying her. Why not make a surprise visit to his office? 30 minutes before his usual lunchtime, show up with lunch for him. Be sweet and let him know you were thinking of him and missed him. Do not let the real reason out that you want to check out this new woman for yourself! Also be very social with his co-workers. If he is cheating he wouldn't want others to find out if they know you and like you. This would make it much harder for him to carry on an office affair.

**also while you are there, think of some excuse to enter his desk drawer or peer through his trash.

Posted

So, is she ugly? have you had the chance to clear that up?

Posted

I must be the only person in the world who doesn't look at the cell phone bill when it comes nor on line. I never even thought to do that until I came here.

 

To me - if a person is having to look through a cell phone bill at the people called, etc., then there is already a trust issue.

 

I have no idea if he is cheating -- but just because he calls his co-worker bubbly.... I wouldn't rush to judgment because of that.

Posted

i firmly believe that if you have to ask, then theres probably a reason why. if the suspicion is so strong to bring you here then there may be a chance that youre right.

 

in my situation the BW *knew* for the entire affair but for some reason convinced herself otherwise. but i'd guess that if you asked her now she would say she never was really fooled...just hoping and praying her gut feeling was wrong.

Posted

I have been both OW and BS.

 

This whole concept of the BS "knowing" about the affair but convincing herself otherwise is a complete fabrication made up by MM/MW or even OW/OM as a justification.

 

The BS who turns a blind eye to an affair does so only as a last resort. An older couple, established and comfortable, with a history of infidelity. It happens.

 

When a MM tells you his wife basically knows, but chooses to lie to herself. Its usuallly a load of crap. If she found something and then does not pursue it...its because HE convinced her not only that she was wrong but thats she is crazy for even thinking it. He tells her the OW is a nut bag, he pleads that he would never do such a thing...its work.

Posted

Are you making up drama where there is none? It doesn't sound like he is up to me, and if my wife approached me with this, I would think she is trying to start a fight.

Posted

Your gut is not lying to you, he is.

 

You are seeing him Behaving Differently (that's how you know he's having an affair) but because you do not have the evidence, you cannot show him you know.

 

As for him saying she's ugly, ha ha ha -- one of my H's xOW he described as fat and ugly (both of which were true) but he didn't mention the other things he DID like -- she adored him, she was very intelligent and highly educated, yet looked up to HIM because he had the experience in their field, whereas she had recently graduated from a top university and admired his knowledge.

 

My H also on another occasion -- with a different OW-- had a 'smart quick answer' ready, like your man. My H, when I asked him if he was having another affair again, replied "No"

When I pressed him by saying, "well if you are having another affair, at least tell me, so that I can go out and do the same. Why shouldn't I have fun like you?"

He immediately replied, "So you think it's fun? You think its fun when you don't know if you are in love with the person, or you are just using them for sex?"

 

--- I found out a year later, that he HAD been in an affair with a woman and he had fallen in love with her.

 

Your man is polished, huh? Prides himself that he won't be caught.

Posted

btw, for what it's worth: many a time I have had a 'gut feeling' that my H was cheating.

 

Every single time it turned out that he was cheating.... without fail... even if I only found out the truth about it years later... my gut had never, ever lied to me.

 

This last time, in Feb, March, it got so bad that I had bad pains in my gut... and I begged H to tell me because of the physical pain I was going through. He denied it for several weeks, but finally admitted it, he had cheated again. And immediately the pain left my body when I was told the truth.

 

Some people are very sensitive to what's going on. They may lack the proof, but subconsciously they realize all the subtle ways their partner has changed. That is why your body reacts the way it does.

Don't be too clever and rationalize it away. It's easy for your partner to lie over and over again, smug in the knowledge that he has cleverly covered his tracks and you will never 'catch him red-handed' so he continues to play you and his OW.

 

Good luck. You are going to be physically worn down, the longer this unknown and uncertain period lasts.

Posted
I have been both OW and BS.

 

This whole concept of the BS "knowing" about the affair but convincing herself otherwise is a complete fabrication made up by MM/MW or even OW/OM as a justification.

 

The BS who turns a blind eye to an affair does so only as a last resort. An older couple, established and comfortable, with a history of infidelity. It happens.

 

When a MM tells you his wife basically knows, but chooses to lie to herself. Its usuallly a load of crap. If she found something and then does not pursue it...its because HE convinced her not only that she was wrong but thats she is crazy for even thinking it. He tells her the OW is a nut bag, he pleads that he would never do such a thing...its work.

 

 

Disagree with you...when I was a BS I 'knew' months before anything truly began to show itself. At the moment I'm an OW and my MM is telling me things his W is going...I'm telling him she 'knows' and he refuses to believe me. She is basically waiting for it to all fall into place...

Posted
Disagree with you...when I was a BS I 'knew' months before anything truly began to show itself. At the moment I'm an OW and my MM is telling me things his W is going...I'm telling him she 'knows' and he refuses to believe me. She is basically waiting for it to all fall into place...

 

 

Miz,

 

I agree with you 100 percent. When I was BS, I always knew when my xH was in an affair. There were subtle changes even though he was convinced I had no clue. I didn't always confront him because I had only suspicion and was waiting for "evidence"... I always got that evidence eventually and confirmed my "gut feelings".

 

I also agree with the MMs being ignorant to their Ws "knowing". My MM says he thinks his W doesn't know, but he leaves far too big a trail for her to NOT know. My xH called and told her about me once. Since then they fight every month about his huge phone bills, yet she has never bothered to dial my number just to see who answers. I keep telling him she is turning a blind eye, but to not fool himself that she doesn't know.

 

Everytime I become too "real" for her to ignore completely she buys something new. A BIG purchase. Since the beginning of the A she has bought a house (selling the completely paid off house, that was plenty big enough for their dwindling family, at a loss and bought a much larger house that now has a brand spanking new mortgage.) two cars, new appliances, furniture etc. My personal feelings on this is thta it is because she knows he feels "obligated" to his family, and by adding further obligations she keeps him around longer. I think she sees him pulling further away emotionally and uses his sense of duty to keep him engaged in the M while she waits out the A.

Posted

Asheena - I would say trust your guts on this one - it really screws with your mind eventually if you don't. For me it was the little clues and the body language/tone etc every time the OP came up in a conversation that gave it away.

 

I also had the butterfly thing (it really sucks)and my heart goes out to you. Be patient and observant and all will be revealed - acting when angry is so easy to do but often isn't the smartest thing to do. good luck

Posted

Here's another LS member with concerns about her H cheating, and this is what HE had said to her (sounds like your H's words to you...)

 

 

Yes, I will go the KL [key logger] route. Not sure how illuminating it will be since H said to me a couple of years ago, in close to these words, "do you think I'd to do those things on our home computer knowing you check up on it?". I thought at the time that was a very revealing thing to say to a concerned spouse- and again he clearly wasn't trying to comfort of assuage my concerns in the least. And, his cell phone is a work one and the bills go to corporate so I will never see them... and he is on the computer at work a lot...

 

 

similar to yours:

 

His response... I guess a lot of guys would do that and put in a quick call to their mistress. I would never call someone from my cell phone... I know you would see the details on the bill and scroll through my contacts and see if any of the numbers were weird... then you'd make quick hang-up calls to them to see who it was....??? Could he have thought that up so quickly or is this something he's played over and over in his head and accidentally just slipped out?

 

Worry or not?

Posted (edited)
I have a gut feeling he's cheating with his co-worker. (He always says she's annoying and ugly but lately he's added bubbly) However, I have no evidence... nothing on computer or phone. So, I asked him last night and he denied it so I really have no proof other than the butterflies in my stomach and doubt that I ever will.

 

He did say something weird though. I said, I've been trying to send you on more errands to see if you wanted to get out of the house more.... and you must not be cheating because you hate to run errands. LOL. His response... I guess a lot of guys would do that and put in a quick call to their mistress. I would never call someone from my cell phone... I know you would see the details on the bill and scroll through my contacts and see if any of the numbers were weird... then you'd make quick hang-up calls to them to see who it was....??? Could he have thought that up so quickly or is this something he's played over and over in his head and accidentally just slipped out?

 

Worry or not?

 

He's not cheating. I've said things like that to suspicious girlfriends before. I've never cheated in my life, neither emotionally nor physically.

Edited by TheLoneSock
Posted

My gut has been telling me my BF is cheating. So I installed keylogger on my PC (which he always uses) and got his password.

I did find he was talking to other women in a flirting fashion. These women were 2000 miles away. I read his emails and his FB from the last 2 yrs and didn't find any proof he was actually cheating, but yet my gut still is screaming to me he's cheating and or cheated.

 

My last two long term relationship I had this same but feelling and turns out, they were both cheating.

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