65tr6 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Need your opinions. Specially from the (former) wayward wives. Everyone is welcome to post though. I believe they are an illusion....Because everything is real....real people, real emotions, real (amazing) sex...but when comes out in the open or when the dust settles.....reality sets in. The affair made you feel good, your self esteem went up, you felt special and then the bubble burst....you felt terrible, you felt worse, you lost your self-respect, you feel you don't deserve anything... Fantasy to me is something that never happened while an affair actually did. I dont want this to be "Why I/he/she did it" but rather stick to the subject line if you could Link to post Share on other sites
I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Hmmmm.... very good question, one I am struggling with myself. I am a barely former WW, meaning xMM just recommitted (and I use that term loosely) to his M not yet 3 weeks ago, and we are still in contact, albeit very, very little. I agree with your take on the "illusion". I read a lot of posts here stating that A's aren't reality. There is no "real life", no dirty underwear to wash, no finances, no kids, no house, no family, etc. While this is obviously a very true statement, I wonder why it seems to be the opinion of so many that if an A were to turn into a "real" relationship (i.e., the A partners left their spouses and got together), they couldn't possibly withstand the real daily life stuff? I mean, if I can withstand dirty undies with my H, why not with someone else? LOL I digress... your question was about illusion or fantasy. Illusion. The feelings are VERY real, and sometimes insanely strong. My love for my xMM is still quite deep and terribly overwhelming. But I shall overcome. The illusion I am struggling with getting past is the one that he would ever leave his W for me. He had one foot out the door on more than one occasion but never did it. The illusion was that he would be true to what he said he would do for me. The illusion was that I believed in him. And as much as I still feel that he is a good man, a loving man, and a very sorry man for what he has put me through, at the end of the day, he is still the man who broke my heart knowingly, and that is unacceptable. I may not have answered your question very well, but right now its about all I've got Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 H's AP projected herself as being a very religious person.??? She even told me she was doing God's work. I told her God was not a pimp. Anyway, the image she presented to my H was pure as the driven snow, always thinking of others, etc. Yeah, he's an idiot. The truth was she was a bi-polar skank who made everyone's life who was involved with her a living hell. She told H she divorced because her H got drunk and passed out every night. Truth was, her H divorced her because he caught her in bed with her boss. Fantasy and illusion? Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Cheating could be many things.. could be an illusion.. a fantasy... could be a way out of a miserable marriage... could also (in my situation) simply because one partner falls out of love but feels the obligation to remain for the sake of the kids ... but, in my case, I couldn't do it anymore. I've never cheated nor was I a BS... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 It is an escape. Usually a fantasy refers to something in the mind and not practiced in reality. Yet in an affair, the relationship can be a short term fantasy. As a fantasy in real life, it is intended to fulfill some selfish desires. It is always an illusion because the fantasy masks the reality of the situation both are in. It deceives the individual involved. They think that they have "true love" when really they cannot while they live in such a deception. Perhaps the marriage is bad with many problems, the affair masks the unhappiness and inability to solve the problems. And it allows the individuals to escape. It deceives while allowing an escape into a fantasy. It is of course a fantasy because it becomes what each partner desires. Perhaps the one desires a better sex life. The fantasy delivers. Perhaps the other wants that emotional closeness. The fantasy delivers. Yet it is a deception in that the partners believe that this can go on "forever" as it is. Hence, it is an illusion. My point is...I don't think that the two can be separated. An affair is a fantasy and an illusion. It is a deception about reality, yet it is also an escape as like a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. I'd superglue his dick to his stomach for that one. The gift that keeps on giving, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Hmmmm.... very good question, one I am struggling with myself. I am a barely former WW, meaning xMM just recommitted (and I use that term loosely) to his M not yet 3 weeks ago, and we are still in contact, albeit very, very little. I agree with your take on the "illusion". I read a lot of posts here stating that A's aren't reality. There is no "real life", no dirty underwear to wash, no finances, no kids, no house, no family, etc. While this is obviously a very true statement, I wonder why it seems to be the opinion of so many that if an A were to turn into a "real" relationship (i.e., the A partners left their spouses and got together), they couldn't possibly withstand the real daily life stuff? I mean, if I can withstand dirty undies with my H, why not with someone else? LOL I digress... your question was about illusion or fantasy. Illusion. The feelings are VERY real, and sometimes insanely strong. My love for my xMM is still quite deep and terribly overwhelming. But I shall overcome. The illusion I am struggling with getting past is the one that he would ever leave his W for me. He had one foot out the door on more than one occasion but never did it. The illusion was that he would be true to what he said he would do for me. The illusion was that I believed in him. And as much as I still feel that he is a good man, a loving man, and a very sorry man for what he has put me through, at the end of the day, he is still the man who broke my heart knowingly, and that is unacceptable. I may not have answered your question very well, but right now its about all I've got I never doubted that my A COULD have lasted in the hypothetical world where we both left our spouses and ended up together. I think the point that most of us make, is that the passion, excitement and newness will inevitably wear off. Yes, we could have made it work. But would it ultimately be something much different (or better) than what I have with my H. And the answer for me was a definitive, NO. When I refer to my A as being based in fantasy, it is mainly because most of our interaction was done "virtually". One face-to-face during the 3 month affair. Most of our beliefs about each other were based on what the other person wanted to project and how they wanted to be seen. And the secrecy and bubble that exists for must of us during an affair is there for the sole purpose of keeping reality out.... the reality of what we're engaged in and the damage that was being done especially. My reality with my AP? Long distance custody arrangements, angry/hurt spouses, damaged kids, blended families, disowned by family and friends, a questionable sex life and "passion" that was both good and bad. THAT's the reality. While I can still imagine him being perfect, the reality is that he's not and our situation together would have been challenging to say the least. And during the A, we didn't have to deal with these realities. Every A is different. This was covered on another thread on the OW forum. Some live with their AP during the A, some get to know them more intimately, some have much more "reality". But many of us are living a "fantasy" situation since all aspects of reality are kept out for the sole purpose of keeping the "loving" feelings alive. It isn't real life. Link to post Share on other sites
I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. Holy crap! That's awful!! Here's to quick healing and ever quicker drying of that super glue that was just suggested above Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. I am so sorry for this. That's horrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I think it is an illusion. I think that in order to engage in an affair and still walk around and look your spouse in the eyes you have to tell yourself some pretty big lies. You have to make the AP out to be the best thing since sliced bread, you have to rewrite the history of your marriage and your spouse, and you have to do some real adjusting of your own morals. All of these lies make up the illusion of what is happening. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I will say it all depends on how long the affair lasts. Goes on long enough it takes on a whole bunch of reality. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I think it is an illusion. I think that in order to engage in an affair and still walk around and look your spouse in the eyes you have to tell yourself some pretty big lies. You have to make the AP out to be the best thing since sliced bread, you have to rewrite the history of your marriage and your spouse, and you have to do some real adjusting of your own morals. All of these lies make up the illusion of what is happening. BEST post i have EVER READ!! thanks DI.. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 what about the possibility that we like to say it wasnt reality because it doesnt hurt as much that way. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. Oh..2sure...I am sorry to hear this. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. And that shows how an affair is an illusion and a fantasy. So often, the partners do not expect that it will give them any STDs, so they do not use condoms. And for some reason, by having a secret life, it seems as if it is also a separate life. That is part of the draw of an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Interesting question 65! As a BS, I can only speak from my experience. He told her we never had sex (HAHAHAHAHA). She convinced him I must have a lover on the side. He believed it. If that delusional thinking is not the epitomy of illusion, I am not sure what is. Also, I work side by side with a woman who separated from her husband to have a six-month relationship with her soulmate, a MM. He kindly dumped her --"I'm depressed, I'm in counseling, I need to see if I can work on my marriage" to date another other woman. She still misses this slimeball. Why? She doesn't miss the man. The reality is he treated her and her feelings with all the importance of roadside garbage. She misses the way the man made her FEEL during the affair. And I think that is pure fantasy, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Interesting question 65! As a BS, I can only speak from my experience. He told her we never had sex (HAHAHAHAHA). She convinced him I must have a lover on the side. He believed it. If that delusional thinking is not the epitomy of illusion, I am not sure what is. Also, I work side by side with a woman who separated from her husband to have a six-month relationship with her soulmate, a MM. He kindly dumped her --"I'm depressed, I'm in counseling, I need to see if I can work on my marriage" to date another other woman. She still misses this slimeball. Why? She doesn't miss the man. The reality is he treated her and her feelings with all the importance of roadside garbage. She misses the way the man made her FEEL during the affair. And I think that is pure fantasy, IMHO. BBM I had forgotten that. Yes, H's OW apparently questioned my fidelity as well. "Do you think she is seeing someone else?" "Are you sure she isn't having an affair?" WTH, does that make them feel more justified? Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 what about the possibility that we like to say it wasnt reality because it doesnt hurt as much that way. The illusion that what we felt was not real is also part of the overall illusion. We have to do that to re enter marriage...or to ease guilt. No matter how you slice it...it takes a lot of stretching reality to make the A seem normal and acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Less fantasy than I originally thought...got my blood work last week and my cheating H gave me an STD. The antibiotics are REAL. He is absolutely STUNNED and mortified. I on the other hand, not surprised at all. He somehow never in a million years thought his cheating would affect his real life in any tangible way. I am so sorry to hear that. I guess you could be thankful it is curable??? I feel for you, what a mess these cheaters make. When I made my appt. to get checked out, H told me it wasn't necessary. Yeah, I'm going to risk my health because a liar told me I could. :lmao: Thankfully, all came back negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Katerina Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 what about the possibility that we like to say it wasnt reality because it doesnt hurt as much that way. Could be true for some... Give it some time... then re-evaluate your feelings. I'm sure it's different for different people. Link to post Share on other sites
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