I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) Never mind... I was going to post but don't have it in me to do it right now. Just hurts too much... Maybe later on today... I would delete this but I don't think I can delete my own post. Admin feel free to do so... Edited October 9, 2009 by I Miss the Kiss
angie2443 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I understand your need for closure. I think it would help if you explained what you wanted to know from the BS's around here. I can't help you because I haven't been in your situation and I haven't been the BS in a situation like yours. Someone will come along soon who can help you better.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 I understand your need for closure. I think it would help if you explained what you wanted to know from the BS's around here. I can't help you because I haven't been in your situation and I haven't been the BS in a situation like yours. Someone will come along soon who can help you better. I get too lengthy in my questions, but I need to understand what the BS goes through after a D-day, especially one that is not the first D-day... perhaps the 2nd or 3rd after the H told her he was going to work on the M (MM is not a serial cheater, just wasn't able to end the A with me a few times) . I won't take any satisfaction in the BWs pain. In fact, I am hoping it will open my eyes to the hurt that EVERYONE feels from an A. I need to make her real... and I don't mean that I never thought she was real during the A... but that darn fog had me blinded. I understand if no one wants to reply to this... its hard. I'm hurting so badly, I need to hear the other side. I know she has it much worse than me. Her H betrayed her, their vows. I am just the OW... I got myself into this mess...
turnstone Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Why don't you just read the already existing posts from the wives? Isn't there enough pain and damage evidenced by those?
hopesndreams Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 All the raw emotions are in the Separation and Divorce forum. You can try learning from that. If no tears are forthcoming from reading their pain then there isn't any hope of understanding for you.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ A very long thread, but worth the read. Maybe understanding your MM's wife, putting yourself in HER shoes, imagine yourself being married, sharing a life with a man whom you beared his children, and then he cheated, betrayed you in the worst way.. Then it might be slightly easier for you to walk away and realize that you don't want to help ruin someone else's life.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) I get too lengthy in my questions, but I need to understand what the BS goes through after a D-day, especially one that is not the first D-day... perhaps the 2nd or 3rd after the H told her he was going to work on the M (MM is not a serial cheater, just wasn't able to end the A with me a few times) . I won't take any satisfaction in the BWs pain. In fact, I am hoping it will open my eyes to the hurt that EVERYONE feels from an A. I need to make her real... and I don't mean that I never thought she was real during the A... but that darn fog had me blinded. I understand if no one wants to reply to this... its hard. I'm hurting so badly, I need to hear the other side. I know she has it much worse than me. Her H betrayed her, their vows. I am just the OW... I got myself into this mess... well if you have been around long enough, I have nothing but contempt for those that cheat and those that mess around with other peoples' spouses. having said that, at least you want to make the BW real and are hoping that her pain might give you a kick in the ass to do what is right and get rid of a cheating, jackass of a MM. and if you want to know what a BS goes through, well, we are all different. and men I feel go through it differently than women. So I can only tell you from my perspective. What did I go through after D-day? anger....desperation....helplessness.....fear of what will happen to my kids since I was determined to get rid of her. but what I really felt is that come hell or high water, I needed to get rid of her. She is a cheater and not worthy of me. You should be thinking the same thing. the MM is a cheating bastard and why would you want that? Edited October 9, 2009 by Dexter Morgan
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 All the raw emotions are in the Separation and Divorce forum. You can try learning from that. If no tears are forthcoming from reading their pain then there isn't any hope of understanding for you. As I said, I am trying to understand, and believe it or not, depsite my mistakes, I am not evil. I do hope to gain something from this experience. And I am sure there will be plenty of tears when I read the forum you mentioned. I am not looking to feel good about myself... In fact, quite the opposite. Thank you for pointing me to that forum, I have never been over there. I am fairly new to LS in general.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ A very long thread, but worth the read. Maybe understanding your MM's wife, putting yourself in HER shoes, imagine yourself being married, sharing a life with a man whom you beared his children, and then he cheated, betrayed you in the worst way.. Then it might be slightly easier for you to walk away and realize that you don't want to help ruin someone else's life. Thank you... this is what I am looking for. I do need to put myself in her shoes. And although I have already been a part of damaging her life, I don't want to do it anymore. Thanks again...
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 What's an OW and BW Other Woman, Betrayed Wife. You're welcome. Can I ask, are you still going on that Vegas trip with the MM? Or do you think it would be best to tell him no, you've changed your mind and don't want to be a part of helping him betray his wife.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Other Woman, Betrayed Wife. You're welcome. Can I ask, are you still going on that Vegas trip with the MM? Or do you think it would be best to tell him no, you've changed your mind and don't want to be a part of helping him betray his wife. Who is going on a Vegas trip? Maybe you were asking this of someone else who posted in this thread? It wasn't me.
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Sorry 'bout that, wrong person, you're right..
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Sorry 'bout that, wrong person, you're right.. It's okay
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t205261/ Another (very recent) thread to read. I wish OWL was here right about now..
LadyDi Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 If I read the post right, you are asking about how the BS felt after SEVERAL d-days have already gone by. NOt the first time finding out. Is that correct?
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Hey Kiss...I am also a BS. My situation is a little different since I cheated too. However...I felt shock, pain, disbelief, sickness, and anger. All at once...pretty overwhelming.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) If I read the post right, you are asking about how the BS felt after SEVERAL d-days have already gone by. NOt the first time finding out. Is that correct? LadyDi, Yes, I think this would be the fourth discovery of various sorts. The first time she just found out that there was someone else. The second time, he came down to be with me after my own H found out about us, and MM and I ended up spending the night together (first time we had sex). The third time was when she found out we had still been email, text, phoning after he had told her we were not. The fourth and final time was almost 3 weeks ago when she found out we had spent another night together (me coming to THEIR town 4 hours away; we spent the night, he admitted the sex to her). All of this combined with the fact that they both waited until marriage to have sex, and now he is the only one who has gone outside of that So I'm sure that adds to her feelings of betrayal. What a mess. I hate that this ever happened. Edited October 9, 2009 by I Miss the Kiss
Katerina Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) Your whole world falls apart. Everything you believed about your marriage, your husband, your identity, your life - everything - gone! Even if you had suspicions (like in my case), you're still shaking with disbelief that this is happening to you. The man who asked you to marry him, the man YOU have been faithful to, the person you trusted the most in the whole world has betrayed you. And then there are children to protect... I cried in front in them for days and couldn't tell them why. I yelled at them for no reason because my psyche was messed up and I felt like sh*t for taking it out on them. I lost 10 lbs in one month and then 4 lbs in the next. I forced myself to drink juice even though I had no appetite (I wasn't eating anything for days and thought that maybe the calories from the juice would keep me from passing out behind the wheel and from killing my little children in a car crash). I lost my voice from crying day and night. I considered suicide NOT because I couldn't imagine life without my husband, but because the emotional pain was unbearable and I didn't know anymore how to deal with it - only the thought of my children stopped me. What else? I went back and forth from hating my husband to kissing him passionately mid-sentence. I was so heartbroken, it's beyond description. I've had some terrible losses in my life - my mom at 53 w/o any warning... my baby when I was 23 weeks pregnant... but nothing, nothing compares to being betrayed by the person you thought you could trust. At least during those previous losses I thought I still had my husband with me.. but he betrayed me, who do you turn to? You feel all alone. I'll stop now.. is this enough? Oh, and forgive me for saying this... but you also wonder what right did that OW thought she had to ruin the lives of others? Especially the lives of little children? So you're angry not only at your H, but also at her. Edited October 9, 2009 by Katerina
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Your whole world falls apart. Everything you believed about your marriage, your husband, your identity, your life - everything - gone! Even if you had suspicions (like in my case), you're still shaking with disbelief that this is happening to you. The man who asked you to marry him, the man YOU have been faithful to, the person you trusted the most in the whole world has betrayed you. And then there are children to protect... I cried in front in them for days and couldn't tell them why. I yelled at them for no reason because my psyche was messed up and I felt like sh*t for taking it out on them. I lost 10 lbs in one month and then 4 lbs in the next. I forced myself to drink juice even though I had no appetite (I wasn't eating anything for days and thought that maybe the calories from the juice would keep me from passing out behind the wheel and from killing my little children in a car crash). I lost my voice from crying day and night. I considered suicide NOT because I couldn't imagine life without my husband, but because the emotional pain was unbearable and I didn't know anymore how to deal with it - only the thought of my children stopped me. What else? I went back and forth from hating my husband to kissing him passionately mid-sentence. I was so heartbroken, it's beyond description. I've had some terrible losses in my life - my mom at 53 w/o any warning... my baby when I was 23 weeks pregnant... but nothing, nothing compares to being betrayed by the person you thought you could trust. At least during those previous losses I thought I still had my husband with me.. but he betrayed me, who do you turn to? You feel all alone. I'll stop now.. is this enough? Oh, and forgive me for saying this... but you also wonder what right did that OW thought she had to ruin the lives of others? Especially the lives of little children? So you're angry not only at your H, but also at her. Kat~ Thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting that. THAT is what I needed. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, and I am sorry that I am lumped into that group of OW who cause this type of pain. Bless your heart... and bless the heart of my xMM's W. I can't imagine. This is what I needed to be faced with: The reality of what this does to a BW. I have always held cheaters in contempt, all of my life. The one day I woke up and I was one of those cheaters. I still can't believe it, and I still wish it had never happened... Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that my xMM is also the cause of a lot of pain-- to my H! He has cried, been angry (and even angrier), and been hopeless. My xMM was ready to let me start a life with him, he was looking for places for me and my children to live. HE caused pain, too. It is just a mess, no matter how you look at it. Katerina, I am heartbroken to hear your story. I really am. Especially when you compare the loss to that of losing your mother and your baby Wow. I don't know what to say... Even though I am not the OW in your particular situation, I would still like to say "I'm sorry" for even being a part of this group. Maybe some OW feel no remorse, but I do. I still love my xMM more than anything in this world, but that doesn't make what I have done right. My feelings are real, I love him. But he is not mine to have. Not while he is in his M. I truly pray for your healing, Katerina. I am touched by your willingness to share your story...
silktricks Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that my xMM is also the cause of a lot of pain-- to my H! He has cried, been angry (and even angrier), and been hopeless. . uhhhh no... the MM is not the cause of pain the your husband. YOU are. You made the choice to betray your husband. You caused his pain.
Katerina Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I don't know why, but I wish that OW felt some regret too (like you, I Miss the Kiss). Obviously, my H is the one to blame the most, but I wonder how she felt... Actually, she texted me how she felt - "ashamed - maybe... guilty - no". She was a single, naive 23-yr old... so maybe she didn't have enough brains or life experience to realize what exactly she was doing.
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 the fact that you took time to even start a post shows how HUMAN you are;) you KNOW you are feeling this way cause IT is wrong to be with a MM. my hats off to you for having the heart to reach out... p.s. thank you..from a BS;)
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Katrina, you nailed it. I miss the kiss, i am two years since DDay, 18 months since NC with his OW. IC, MC, and we need more MC still. Of all the pain I have experienced in my life --sudden death of a brother, father, mentally ill mother-- absolutely NOTHING compares to my WS's betrayal of our relationship. Why? because those other life-altering events were accidental, or non-intentional at the very least. Because I trusted him above all others....to keep me safe; to protect our children from pain, to honor the vows as I did. His affair devastated me more than any other painful event in my life because it was so INTENTIONAL --the lies, secrecy, deception. Why not separate? Admit problems in the relationship? Admit feelings of attraction to another? Go to counseling to see if we could slavage what was once there between us? But to lie to me and deceive me for over a year? To find constant fault with me and our children so as to have a ready excuse to fly back to her at every opportunity? To lie to her? Allude to a future together, but never commit to her? What kind of person does that to another? BS or OW? How can you continue to respect someone who acts this way? Confused and cowardly.
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I don't know why, but I wish that OW felt some regret too (like you, I Miss the Kiss). Obviously, my H is the one to blame the most, but I wonder how she felt... Actually, she texted me how she felt - "ashamed - maybe... guilty - no". She was a single, naive 23-yr old... so maybe she didn't have enough brains or life experience to realize what exactly she was doing. i actually called my H's OW, twice in the beginning i left very decent messages, to say PLEASE stay away from my H and my family....OW obliged... 7 months later, i found out my H, although had left me, i NEVER thought it was for OW, but yes, they are together and have been... THIS new information hurt MORE then the original/first time i found out about OW... i called OW again...i asked her how she sleeps? how she goes on day after day? she is in fact married herself and has 2 VERY small children and is 40 years old..so NO excuse of being a ding dong 20 year old:o she said to me, verbatim, " i didn't do nothing...and i am out enjoying MY family right now....." OMG! number one, HELLO, grammar much??? number two, how dare she say to me SHE IS ENJOYING HER FAMILY!!:sick: while i have been forced out of my marital/family home, where me and my husband and our child have lived and had hundreds of family gatherings... to now i am living in an apt. alone..with nothing but 4 walls around me.. NOT A HOME..NOT MY HOME.... while i have begged HER/OW to leave MY family alone... this OW is ONE EVIL PERSON.... how did my SWEET H fall for someone SO incredibly COLD and evil...with NO self awareness, no conscience, no dignity, no respect or morals for HER children OR her own H... now, my H and the OW have both filed for D's from their spouses how can THIS even have a happy ending...for me, for OW's children, her H, .... and how does my H and the OW even have a normal day????? what can they possibly talk about??? what to wear to their divorce hearings??? at 40 years old my H is going to step in and raise someone elses VERY VERY small children...he will be 60 years old by the time they are in high school...meanwhile we had raised our son and had only our future and traveling to think of...and grand children. i still believe this OW set out on Facebook in search of a Monkey to get her thru HER own divorce and found that in my H... as my H wanted ONLY a legal separation for nealry a year now... it is cheaper for him and medical for me. apparently that was NOT good enough for OW... everything about it reeked of OW...NOT my H.... i know my H is the bottom line...but still...OW has had a hUGE part in the destruction of my family...at one point my H even said had he NOT met her, we would be going to MC, etc... so bottom line..as much as this was my H's fault.. i blame the OW even more...SHE WAS Relentless..NEVER gave up on him...she NEVER just let him go ....arrgh!! she had NO RIGHT to do this...he was married..IS married....she just had no right...and NOW..now she has assumed my role as my H's wife basically...LOL she calls my H EVERY effing morning at 830AM...without fail, everyday! and one day 21 times she called...wtf is that all about???? who has time in a work day, with children and an H of her own to call MY HUSBAND 21 times in ONE DAY!??? how does someone do this..just shove someone out into the cold that you don't even know and destory everything they ever have known to be good and kind...and take IT away...who is this OW to do this to me??? ok...so i am sorry i got a little carried away...but i am sooooooo hurting and so angry! i miss myhusband, my marriage, my life , my family, my future.... my 50th wedding anniversary i will NEVER EVER have now! please OW...if the W contacts you and askes you to please leave HER H alone..please try to do this..PLEASE! let us have our families...PLEASE!
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