StupidBeliever Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 About 9 months ago whilst I was recovering from a major car accident my then fiance (now husband) gave me access to his emails after an argument about him giving a girl I knew nothing about lifts to work for about 6 months (she doesn't work with him but in the same area). I found out about her because she came to our house with something she'd accidently picked up from his car when picking up her stuff. After this argument I told him that I wanted access to his mobile phone and this girls phone number and this emails. I checked the phone and there weren't any calls to this girl apart from a text saying 'sorry accidently picked up your ipod in the car will bring it to yours', but I came across a contact that he'd never spoke of a KB. I didn't get a chance to see any emails as she came around then. She was stunning, really stunning, bubbly and funny. He was all over me and telling her about our wedding plans we had been deciding on the menu before all this came out. After she left he was really apologetic said that he at the time hadn't thought it was a big deal, but culd see now how it was. I was feeling better about it all and thought well its probably me being paranoid because of the head injuries and feeling unattractive. The net day he was at work, I still had an uncomfy feeling, because if he could be giving someone a lift for 6 months and I know nothing about it, well, what else could there be. I realised he hadn't given me access o his emails, so I mailed him and asked for it. He said that that would not solve how I was feeling and that he had promised that he would no longer be giving this girl a lift and that should be enough. I said it wasn't and that it had felt like he was living a double life and I needed access to his emails so feel ok about it all. He took ages and finally sent me his password. I came across this in an email sent about a year beforehand to yet another woman, who went by the name KB___, againI knew nothing about her: Her: oh well. hope you had a good time in bed after you left me Him: well i slept and yes, i slept and alone too. oooh imagine.. what lies am i concocting now??? except i'm not, and i've slept alone in bed for the past few nights now "oh, so you mean that when you said you fell asleep, you really did mean fall asleep, and not off having sex?" yes, that's right "well there goes my no guilt ticket then..." wa wa waaaa with jazz hands Her: damn... there goes my ****ing mind reading/ knowing whats going on skills too...oh yeah.. you never say.. Him: nothing's up, just sleeping patterns all amiss, so that's how it's ended up hence no reason to say until now, obviously Her: i didn't think there was Him: didn't think there was what? Her: anything up Him: well i just meant in relation to your "never say" comment Her: so that was 14 minutes ago..despite refreshing.. Him: eh? Her: nevermind Him: no, what? Her: the gap between mails Him: right, so you seeing a delay now? Her: and you didn't? you have a timewarp going on and mails were instant or something? Him: no, big ****ing 15 minute gap, just wasn't sure if that's what you're getting at but yeah, the one you wrote at 4:28 arrived straight away, even though i replied to you at 4:14 Her: yeah.. refreshed which usually works with gmail...then it arrives and said "14 minutes ago" Him: yeah, that's probably me hacking into google to make your mail delayed so i can justify me lying about me getting mails late or is that too sarky? Her: **** off. too harsh? Him: you know how to hurt me if that's what you're after Her: I do? intrigued now... Him: well it's not through bad language. doesn't matter anyway Her: no, guess not Him: ok fine just tweak that little jealousy tumor you seem to have grown on me or why not make out that i, we mean nothing anything along them lines will usually do so go for it Her: **** me... human... feelings... Him: right, cos that's all new news. look, i'm tired now, and i've probably **** enough on your day, might be best if i just go to bed Her: i really don't know who's **** on who here but yeah.. feel like i've had my heart ripped out Him; that's really not what i wanted hence why i started trying to ask you about your day and your fun birthday times wanted fun at least now you've seen mail being delayed (not that you haven't seen it before, but i'm sooo glad it's happened tonight, as annoying as it was). so yeah, don't feel like that, cos i want your heart safetly where it should be, beating healthy, and nice and warm and warm for me. anyway, let's see what tomorrow brings. enjoy the rest of tonight/tomorrow. good luck getting through your pile of drink tonight. catch when you get up. night you. i need that hug so much right now Her: yeah me too I found that they were still in contact (by email) a few days before I discovered the email above, but there was nothing really incriminating in it, he was telling her that he might not be in touch that day because he was taking me to the hospital. I confronted him with the email, I was a sobbing, screaming mess. He point blank refused to look at the email as he wouldn't rember the context of ot and it didn't matter because they were 'just friends'. I told him I wanted him to contact her and tell her he would be having NC with her and I wanted to be there when he sent it. He said he needed time to write it as he was going to come across as a weirdo as nothing was going on between then and she was just a friend. We argued until 4 in the morning and he has to leave for work at 6.30 so he got away with not writing the email in front of me. I kept on at him and he continued to say he he just was embarrssed of looking strange, but from now on just wouldn't respond to her. I was angered beyond belief, so I did some more investigating and found out that she had a partner with who she has a child, and that my fiance had boughht her a 2 year online flickr account, I was in a complete mess. I emailed her with the original email attached and said that he was lying to both of us as he has never in the 12 years we have been together not slept in the same bed as me, despite my injuries we were still having sex and always had done. I asked her to let me know what was going on. She emailed me back saying that she was not having an affair with my fiance and that if I contacted her again she would do me for harrassment. My finace then emailed me and said he didn't have to send her anything as he had emailed him saying she would not be in touch anymore. He and I really argued that night, he told me I was behaving like a "nutter" and would not give me his mobile to call this KB contact on his phone and deleted the number. I then did something I am not proud of I found her partner on a forum he visited and emailed him that email. He emailed back saying "what the hell is this", to which I replied "I don't know, but I need to find out". He emailed back saying "she says you are lying and making all this up" and didn't respond to my "I am not lying and have no need to, I just want the truth" My then fiance and I were arguing all the time about this because it had taken him soooo long to give me access to his passwords and I think he may have deleted the more incriminating ones as the emails I did find between them were not in his inbox but I found them in the sent items bit. During the arguing I one day climed that I knew that they had been in contact on mobile and could give him a date as she had told me. He admitted that they had spoken once and she had called him. He admitted no more they were just friends. Anyway a couple of weeks later I found out I was pregnant (we have no kids) and we were still arguing all the time, I had lost loads of weight during this time (before I realised I was pregnant). So I found myself with a man I no longer trusted, a paralysed left arm/hand, brain injuries and pregnant, with a wedding that had been planned to happen in 2 months time. I was terrified, of having a child to look by myself after the accident, I considered an abortion, only seriously once. The baby had resulted in us arguing less and bonding more, so the relationship was improving, wedding plans continued but I felt spaced out with it all. He had apologised, still says nothing was going on, given me access to all this pc stuff, but he works in IT can can easily do something that I would never find out about or even be in touch with her at work if he wanted. Anyway, we went for the scan for the baby and discovered that there was no heartbeat, He sobbed, I was just numb. I had to go into hospital, yet again, and have a d&c 3 days later. It took me a week and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My then fiance, did take care of me then. I had to cancel the maternity wedding dress and find another one within 2 weeks. We got married, I was worried about whether i was doing the right thing or not, but after the wedding and things felt really good and I had no thoughts about his emmotional affair or what ever the hell it was. Then the thoughts come creeping back, that he is lying, still lying ....... Sometimes these awful thoughts consume me, I have recoved pretty well now my arm/hand which the docs were unsure about ever working is pretty functional now. I still feel angry about this woman and try to talk to him about this, but he always raises his voice and it becomes an argument which I back to doing my usual 'try to avoid arguments' thing. He has so many "I don't remember" moments that it feels like he's lying. What can I do?
Author StupidBeliever Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Maybe I should say that before I said that I knew they had called each other he had strongy denied it. Then claimed he'd only just remembered and therefore had told me straight away???????
SadandConfusedWA Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 As I was reading your story it became clear that he is 100%, no doubt at all lying. He definitely at some point had an affair with her and it could still be ongoing. The content of that e-mail was WAY too personal for just friends. Only that would be enough of an evidence for me. But that coupled with his lying, and god knows how many deleted e-mails - it's just not looking good at all.
Author StupidBeliever Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks S&C. I feel that he is lying, but believe that he has no contact with her anymore. He's given me access to his pc and passwords. He hasn't been spending any time on the pc at home except when he's on call with work and invites me to sit with him when he's doing this. I am guessing that after my accident he told her he was choosing me as she said "looks like things are getting back to normal for you at home" and the emails I found after my accident had nothing really incriminating in them but felt like 'strained friendship'. So he's doing all the right things, but I can't get past that he had something with her that wasn't just friendship and he won't admit to it. He says that by admitting to an affiar he'd be lying and it would be easier to say he had but thats not the truth. I feel like I've been on a rollcoaster of of one bad thing after another in less than a year and I'm not thinking straight and just need some help and advice to help me make decsions about my what to do with my life.
Author StupidBeliever Posted May 5, 2010 Author Posted May 5, 2010 I'm not sure why I am doing this but I wanted to update where I am at 17 months post D-day..... We engaged in MC for 5 sessions and were discharged as she said that we had done most of the work by ourselves already. I felt unsure about her statement but noticed a distinct difference in may WS. He was much more willing to talk about the affair without defensiveness and shouting. He states it was a EA not a PA, but that he didn't recognise this as an affair at the time. I learnt alot about how he viewed the affair. It came out in MC that he formed a friendship with her whilst he was out of work. At the time my career was flourishing and he hated depending on me but never voiced his frustration. I was going places and he wasn't. There was a great deal of depression involved. She was a "nobody" (his words), not particularly attractive, no way near as smart as me, there was nothing really about her that attracted him except for how she always seemed to look up to him. So in his time with her he was 'someone' whereas in his life with me he felt like 'no one'. This was a hard place for him to be because he'd always been 'golden boy' in his family, he was the smart one, the one who was going places. He said that he couldn't tell me about how down he was feeling before the EA because he was afraid of 'rocking the boat' and that because of my childhood he tries to spare me from pain. We have been getting on so much better than before. He still avoids talking about the affair unless I mention it. He acknowledges that he does this as he feels so ashamed that he caused this much pain to me. I cope much better now for much longer periods of time, but its like everytime things are going great for a while thoughts of his EA and other potential EAs creep back in and I remind myself not to be so trusting - for those in recovery does this ever go away for just something that you learn to live with in time? He has done everything asked of him; passwords / emails / mobile all open access, MC, reading an infidelity book (had to be heavily persuaded). I guess I am just afraid that he is a serial cheat (I found something that looked like he was starting up an EA a few years prior to D-day) who will do this again in a few years as I dont want to live my life like that. Any help would be appreaciated
Tea Posted May 5, 2010 Posted May 5, 2010 Thanks so much for the update. Seems like when things go well, people forget about telling us how things went. It sounds like you guys made big strides and now you're just wondering if you'll fully heal. I'm sorry that I cannot answer that question for you. What I can do is tell you to engage each other as you have been and be as open and honest with him in hopes that he will continue to be open with you. Also, if you are concerned, perhaps you should go back to the counselor yourself. She could tell you these feelings are all normal and help you figure out how to resolve them, if necessary. Bringing him back and telling him how you feel could also help since your communication seems to be very good now. I was involved with somebody that was in an EA. I never got over it and ended up ending things. The difference is that my guy never admitted he did anything wrong, which is the first step to the recovery process. At least your guy knows what went wrong, how wrong he was, and why he did what he did. Best of luck!
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