allin Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I am new here, but have been reading for a while. I hope you can help. I am married with children. My husband and I are in the midst of separating. We decided to do this in August, but remain in the same home until the end of this month due to other commitments. There is no question in my mind that the marriage is over, and no chance for reconciliation. I have a very good male friend of over a decade. He has been married for 14 years. In the 11 that I have known him, he has struggled with his marriage. He had an affair (of the one-shot-deal sex type) in their third year of marriage but has otherwise walked the straight and narrow for these many years. He has worked very hard to please his wife, and to make the relationship work. She has violated his trust and trashed his hopes for a life together in a number of ways that I can't divulge (it isn't mine to tell), but remains with him. She has expensive tastes, this guy is quite well-off and a very hard worker, and they are friends at the end of it. Sex is infrequent (once every three or four months). There are no children. They are comfortable with one another, though--used to it. My friend had an "exit plan" for years, and worked toward it, but it was derailed due to financial issues. Still has an "exit plan" but the timeline has moved about two years, I think. I have cared about this man for a very long time. He has cared about me for a very long time. And while we were just friends, we did flirt, we did talk about his marriage, my boyfriends and subsequent marriage, etc. We had an emotional affair, I guess, without acknowledging it. A couple of months ago, we began an affair--a real one. Keep in mind that while I am separating, he is not at this point. The connection we had as friends was amazing. The connection we have as lovers is indescribable. I had never imagined that such a thing really existed. And yes, the sex is great but that's not all I'm referring to. I'm not a romantic, and not prone to Cinderella fantasies. I'm really quite practical, and this has really knocked me on my @ss. He has told me (unprompted, and prior to me admitting anything) that ours is the most intimate connection he's ever experienced on every level--emotional, physical, mental. We just click in every way. We agreed to be friends with benefits but we can't stick to it. We both feel more. He feels guilty not for cheating on his wife, but for not being fair to me in the process. He wants to be with me, but thinks it isn't fair that I should get less because of his situation. I agree, actually, but recognize that it is what it is. Financially, he's there for now. She'll already be a millionaire for doing nothing. If he leaves before the finances settle down, he'll lose too much and his entire life/retirement plan changes. (He's in his mid-forties and plans to retire in five years. I'm in my mid-thirties.) I am, obviously, completely in love with him but have not told him so. He has not said he loves me. I think he does...but then again, he has never said it. I thought I was okay with all of this at first. I'm not. I can't stand the idea of his time with his wife. I miss him so much when I don't see him for days. We text every day, many times a day. Every morning hello, every night good night. We talk frequently. We see each other socially once or twice a week (lunch, coffee, etc.) and meet for a "hotel day" about every two weeks or so. But he isn't mine. I can't wake up with him. I can't go on vacation with him. I can't make plans that run into times when he is supposed to be home, or whatever. And it kills me that she gets that. More to the point, it kills me that I don't get that. I am not jealous in the normal sense, but it hurts that he's with someone else...that he could be...even though she was there first. And I suspect they have had sex since this started, though I don't ask and have told him to keep those details to himself. I don't want to know. The idea kills me enough. What to do? Not sure NC is something I'm ready to contemplate. I would not just lose my lover, I would lose one of my most important, stable, long-lived friendships. We could decide to put the affair bit on hold, but not sure how long that would last now that we know what it really is together. Do I tell him how I feel about his marital status? If he decided to change it, I would feel guilty about what he would lose, and I would be afraid that he would grow to resent me for it. And yes, I want him in my life, but I'm not ready to play house. I need to get my kids safely through this divorce and stable before I introduce anything like that. It's important to do the right thing for them. So not a short time. Is it even fair to raise my issues with his marital status when he doesn't really have a place to go with me? He could move out on his own and date me, but it's not as though I'm offering him a life together right out of the gate. I do have other obligations. Then again, if I tell him and he stays anyway, I will be upset. Does he really love me? Am I just a fool? Everyone thinks their story is different, as I do, but are they ever really different? I have never been an OW before. I have never cheated on anyone else before. This is not something I would have ever thought was a possibility for me. I am not dealing with it well. I have no idea what to do here. This man is so important to me in so many ways. I almost wish we'd not started what we couldn't finish because I've risked something so precious (our friendship). But then I'm so glad because I am aware of the real potential for something as beautiful as this, and I never was before. Any advice?
Aquarius Rising Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I almost wish we'd not started what we couldn't finish because I've risked something so precious (our friendship). But then I'm so glad because I am aware of the real potential for something as beautiful as this, and I never was before. Any advice? Hi Allin, your situation is very complex and there are many layers. If you're connection with him is as deep as you describe then he will still be there after your divorce when you are in a better space to be in a relationship with him. Right now, I think the lines are too blurry for you. If the potential is real it will be there later. I would tell him how you feel about a future with him but that you cannot accept a relationship with him under the current terms. If he really wants to be with you he will take steps (actions) to make that happen. Otherwise you are giving him the message that you will settle for being the OW and over time this will erode any potential you have because you are already saying you can't handle that position. This forum is testimony to the fact that these situations can go on for many years unchanged i.e. he will not leave her while you sit in the wings being the OW. And, you say that your friendship is at stake ... this is important to you .... so just work on preserving that for now...... keep it platonic, keep hold of your self-respect and focus on getting through your own divorce and recovery. I wish you strength, determination and courage. AR
Author allin Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you for your kindness and your advice, Aquarius Rising. It's amazing how quickly truth is recognized when someone else speaks it! This is what I suspected I needed to do, but was loathe to do. But right is right...for me, for my children, and for him. Thank you for your support. Hi Allin, your situation is very complex and there are many layers. If you're connection with him is as deep as you describe then he will still be there after your divorce when you are in a better space to be in a relationship with him. Right now, I think the lines are too blurry for you. If the potential is real it will be there later. I would tell him how you feel about a future with him but that you cannot accept a relationship with him under the current terms. If he really wants to be with you he will take steps (actions) to make that happen. Otherwise you are giving him the message that you will settle for being the OW and over time this will erode any potential you have because you are already saying you can't handle that position. This forum is testimony to the fact that these situations can go on for many years unchanged i.e. he will not leave her while you sit in the wings being the OW. And, you say that your friendship is at stake ... this is important to you .... so just work on preserving that for now...... keep it platonic, keep hold of your self-respect and focus on getting through your own divorce and recovery. I wish you strength, determination and courage. AR
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I agree with AR....you have so much going on...it is easy to have them all mix together into one confusing mess. I would tell him that you envision a future with him...but not as an OW. I know you are afraid to lose him, or that he would make changes that would lead to resentment...but he has to be responsible for his choices...and you for yours. I would tell him that the connection you share is more then friends...you crossed that line and I know very few people that can actually take a step back without either or both people being hurt. I would say that when you are both divorced and settled then it would be time to start over. If you two are meant to be it can happen...and under those circumstances he would be all yours. Good luck. Keep us posted.
boldjack Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 OP, You need to concentrate on the factual situation first. Fact 1) You are both married, and sex with someone else outside of the marriage is Adultery. Being separated is no excuse. So you and the OM should not sleep together any more, until after you are divorced. Both of you.!! What if, in the future, your kids were to find out that you cheated on their Dad? How would that make you look, in their eyes? Fact2) You are closer to divorce than the OM is. You shouldn't put too much pressure on him, while he isn't in a position to do anything about it, but, If you feel so sure of your love for him, you could probably discuss your post-divorce future with him. Fact3) He doesn't seem ready to make any committments. You have talked about his financial situation, but the truth is that If he is telling you that he will be in dire straits, and tht's why he hasn't separated, I would suspect that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. So you need to be absolutley sure of his feelings for you, and encourage him to make the break, even if he comes out of it with less money than he wanted. These three things should keep you busy for a while. I hope that things work out, but it will take communication amd committment to see this through. Good Luck
Author allin Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks, Devil Inside. Appreciate it. I agree with AR....you have so much going on...it is easy to have them all mix together into one confusing mess. I would tell him that you envision a future with him...but not as an OW. I know you are afraid to lose him, or that he would make changes that would lead to resentment...but he has to be responsible for his choices...and you for yours. I would tell him that the connection you share is more then friends...you crossed that line and I know very few people that can actually take a step back without either or both people being hurt. I would say that when you are both divorced and settled then it would be time to start over. If you two are meant to be it can happen...and under those circumstances he would be all yours. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Author allin Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 No, no, there are no dire straits here. It's definitely a choice. OP, You need to concentrate on the factual situation first. Fact 1) You are both married, and sex with someone else outside of the marriage is Adultery. Being separated is no excuse. So you and the OM should not sleep together any more, until after you are divorced. Both of you.!! What if, in the future, your kids were to find out that you cheated on their Dad? How would that make you look, in their eyes? Fact2) You are closer to divorce than the OM is. You shouldn't put too much pressure on him, while he isn't in a position to do anything about it, but, If you feel so sure of your love for him, you could probably discuss your post-divorce future with him. Fact3) He doesn't seem ready to make any committments. You have talked about his financial situation, but the truth is that If he is telling you that he will be in dire straits, and tht's why he hasn't separated, I would suspect that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. So you need to be absolutley sure of his feelings for you, and encourage him to make the break, even if he comes out of it with less money than he wanted. These three things should keep you busy for a while. I hope that things work out, but it will take communication amd committment to see this through. Good Luck
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