He is driving me insane!

October 8, 2009

First of all I want to say I'm sorry if i dont make myself clear, the thing is, English isn't my mother language, so it can get a little confusing at times

Anyway, I started dating this boy back in 2004, it was our first serious relationship. when met at prep school and before our first date we spent months just flirting and having this platonic love for each other. When we started dating it was great, amazing to be honest. We used to get along just fine, we didn't argue and we spent as much time together as we could. We were both 20 years old. Our problems started when we decided it was time to have sex. We were both virgins and the first time we tried making love it was awful. I was really nervous and so not ready for it. When I was a kid I suffered sexual abuse from my uncle, so sex was a it deal for me. I told him all about it and he was very understandable. He told me i should look for help, to see a therapist or something, but i just couldn't do it. So after a few months I broke up with him.

It was horrible, I still dont know why I did it, maybe I was afraid... I don't know. We stayed in touch for a while, he wanted me back, I wasn't sure i wanted him back (even tho I always knew how much he meant to me). After a few weeks he stopped contacting me and I did the same. That was when I decided to go to the US to study.

After a couple of months he showed up at my work, it was my birthday and he was there with a red rose. i was overwhelmed to see him, we kissed and we said how much we cared for each other. I told him about the US and that I was living in a month. He was devastated but didnt ask me to stay, so I went.

While I was in the US he used to call me and say he would wait for me, even if that meant 4 years or whatever, he would wait. But once I was away from him I wasn't sure how i felt. I didn't know anymore if I was still in love with him, so I told him not to wait. Months later he was with another girl.

I stayed in the US for one year and a half. We lost touch completely, and when I came back home i didnt even have his number or email anymore. It would be impossible for us to get in touch. I started at the university and started dating another person.

Two years went by. I was still in a relationship when I realized I wasn't really in love, so i ended it. It was so hard, we had been together for 2 years and still I couldn't connected with this person as much as I had with him. A week after the breaking up, i logged on MSN and he was there. I had never, ever talked to him on MSN cause he wasn't ever there, but on that day he was and started talking to me. We chatted for hours, like good old friends until he said he was going to the same university as I was and that he saw me there. He said he'd go see me someday and I couldn't help being over excited. The next day he went to my class, we talked a lot, he told me all about his new gf, in fact they weren't together anymore (like me he had just broke up with her). He said that he didnt love her, that he cared for her and wanted their relationship to work but that he didnt feel for her what he had felt for me and that he couldnt feel that for anyone else. He said he missed me and that deep inside he wished we would end up together cause we are meant to be. We had this amazing, mature and honest conversation. Something we were not able to have when we were dating 4 years ago.

But after that day he disappeared. He wouldnt answer my calls or call me back, he simply disappear. Until one day i txted him asking if he had got back together with his gf and he said yes. I was devastated.

i spent most of last year crying over him, i asked him why he did this and he said he didnt know. that it was some manly thing, he said he saw her with another man and felt like he owed her or smth and needed to have her back. he told me he didnt love her but didnt want to be without her. I begged him to see me and tell me to my face i needed to move on, he said he couldnt do it, he couldnt look me in the eye and tell me to move on. we cried for hours on the phone, i told him i loved him and that it wasnt fair to me not to have this closure, because i would always think that one day he'd come back to me, he told me not to live like this, he said i needed to find someone else because he couldnt be mine now. He said that if we were meant to be that some day we would find our way back.

All of this happened around september of last year. After this conversation I decided i couldnt be in touch with him anymore. So i deleted all of his numbers and emails and disappeared. He never called me back.

I got back together with my ex (which was a BIG mistake). I wasnt in love and in the end we were both hurt. Even thou I tried real bad I could not let go of my first bf. In august of this year I found him on facebook and added him as friend. He sent me an email saying he missed me and was glad that i was in touch again. He is still dating that same girl.

We exchanged a few emails, talked about our lives and stuff until I sent one telling him everything. I asked him to let go of me, to give me the chance to be happy because i couldnt be waiting on him anymore, but that he needed to tell me what to do. He called me, said he understood everything i said on the email and told me i was right, he was too confused to be with me and that he liked the girl he is with, he isnt ready to let go of her. but once again said he missed us, what we had, and that he would always love me. On that day he agreed to meet me for a cup of coffee, it was the first time we saw each other in 1 year. My heart jumped by the sight of him, and i could see in his eyes he felt the same. But nothing happened.

the day after that i went crazy! i called him and told him i couldnt do it, i couldnt just be friends, i wanted more. i even told him that he could have his gf too, i mean, i told him to be with me no matter what, that he could keep her if he didnt want to break up. he said it wasnt the right thing for neither of us, that would make it all more complicated, he told me he wanted to kiss me as much as i wanted to kiss him, but he was too confused he didnt know what to do.

a few days later i had a huge fight with my mother and i was crying a lot and didnt know where to run to. I txted him saying i needed a friend, he called me back and told me to go to his place. I did. It was last night. I went there and we talked a lot, his mom and sister were thre, they talked to me like i was one of the family, I stayed at his place for 4 hours. when we said goodbye he held me so close, and didnt want to let me go. I noticed he was wearing an commitment ring, i laughed about it and asked him if he was getting married. He said no. It was just a ring.

he walked me to my car and i went home. this morning i txted him saying thanks for helping me out last night, he txted me back and that was it.

I have no idea what is going on, i know he likes me, but i cant understand why he wont just break up with this other girl. It isnt fair to her either, she doesn't have him completely. Maybe that is all wishful thinking but i just dont know what to do. I wish i could erase him from my heart but i just cant. I need help

October 8, 2009

It sounds like he isn't going to leave this other girl...he must have strong feelings for her in order to continue in the relationship with her and to continue to deny you and him another chance to see if you two could work out again.

I don't think keeping in contact with him is a very good idea because it's just going to continue to confuse and break your heart.

I'm sure completely letting go is very hard but obviously he isn't going to give you the closure you keep asking him for. He sounds like he still cares for you but obviously the love isn't strong enough to leave the current GF or even begin a relationship on the side with you.

Best thing to do is find the strength inside of yourself to move on, don't look to other men to help heal the wounds that are still fresh with him. That wouldn't be fair to you or to anyone else. Let this man go, don't call, text, ect...leave him alone and eventually you'll heal and feel better. One more piece of advice....NEVER...NEVER compare what you feel for one person in a relationship that doesn't work out to what you feel for a new partner in a new relationship.....you'll drive yourself crazy and never find happiness!

October 8, 2009

that is what i keep telling me, that his love (or whatever he feels) for me isnt strong enough and i shouldnt want that, you know? but its so hard to let go, i've tried and it didnt work! i wish i could go to sleep and forget all about him. Maybe deep inside i still think he will end it with his current gf and come back, i want to stop thinking like that, just dont know how.

thanks for replying Barby

October 8, 2009

You're welcome.....and I wish I had the answer that would magically make you be able to forget about him but I don't think there is such a thing so the best thing for your own sanity and broken heart is to have no contact and find things to do to occupy your time...go out, meet new people, whatever you can do to fill the empty time that you have. Maybe that will help ease the pain a little.

Anyway I wish you the best and hope that you can be strong enough to walk away as he has apparently done.

October 8, 2009

He sounds like a bisha. It sounds like he has feelings for you, but something is keeping him with her. The good thing is, at least you know he is an honest man if her won't cheat on her with you. So, like you said, if you are meant to be you will find each other again. In the mean time, he is a puta que padiw. (My dad is Brazilian, but I don't know how to spell the words I'm trying to say I woudl in your head tell him va tomar no cu. Try to get on with your life and if he comes running back, you can decide whether or not he was worth it.

October 9, 2009

lol @ ecm, thanks for making me laugh!

he is really honest and so nice, i mean, he never treated me bad even when i went psycho on him last year, crying and stuff like that... im trying to get on with my life but like i said its so hard i keep calling him or txting him, u know? i dunno why i do it, or how to control myself!

say oi to your papai!

October 9, 2009

Every time you want to call or something, just think of how you feel when you don't get the response you'd like. BAD, right? Just like if you drink too much, you feel like crap the next day. So, you can do something to prevent it. Stop calling and texting. Not to mention, if he thinks he "has you" on the side, he has no REASON to leave her.

My dad s from Votorantim/ Sorocaba. I have lots of family there. Are you anywhere near there?

October 9, 2009

By the way, your English is MUCH clearer than people on here whose mother language IS supposedly English.

October 9, 2009

hmm i like the way u think, the thing considering how i feel every time i txt him knowing he wants to be friends and stuff, i will keep that in mind! it should be easier tho, right?

and thanks! i wish my english was a bit better like when i was living in the US

I live about one hour from Sorocaba, it's a very nice place! I'm at Sao Caetano, 20 min away from Sao Paulo downtown.

October 9, 2009

Hey, I read your post and could't resist to answer.

I've had a situation like yours before... But I would've been in the boy you like his place. I'm going to use nicknames to explain the story.

About 5 years ago I met a girl called 'Debby' living about 500 meters from me. We had something really good going on (we both knew we liked eachother, but it never came to the point of starting a relationship. I was 16 at that time), until I met my ex-gf called 'Mandy'. I started a relationship with my Mandy that lasted for 3,5 years. I loved her very much, but I couldn't help but think about Debby... I told mandy that we had been very close friends, and if it wasn't for her, we would've been together. She was glad that I chose her, but she wanted me not to have any contact with Debby anymore. I met debby at some fair, and told her that I really liked her, but that I was together with Mandy and I couldn't dump her because I loved her too much. I also said that I would not speak to her again aslong as mandy asked me to. I didn't talk to her for about 1 year. She started dating a guy I knew, and that's how we started talking again. I couldn't help but I still had the same feelings for her, as did she for me. She even wanted to dump him just to be with me, told me I could be with her and keep mandy as my GF and etc... We had the same phonecalls you had and we even agreed to meet in somewhere secretly. We ended up not talking to eachother until my relationship with mandy ended. (about 1,5 years ago).

She was still together with the guy she was with, and I was single. During my time as a single, I always reminded me of her. We talked very occasionally as i didn't want to be a threat to her relationship. About 4 months ago, I met her and her (now ex-) boyfriend. We started talking and had a very fun time. I started talking to her again over msn and textmessages and found out that the relationship between her and her bf was almost over. I tried giving him and her advice, but they just didn't seem to match. We are now together for 3 months, and I've never been happier before.

We know eachother very well, and I always excuse myself for being such a dumbass in the past. She always says that it wasn't my fault, and she doesn't have any bad feelings about it. She says she's glad to see that I'm such an honest and trustful partner.

I feel like a d*ckhead for making such a mistake in the past, but then again I really loved mandy at that time and i could never cheat.

So maybe the guy you're describing is not so bad after all. Maybe he's just afraid of being with you because something went wrong in the past.

Hopefully this gives you some insight on how guys can feel like

October 9, 2009

whoa, it's like the story of my life!

and as much as he makes me suffer because he cant make up his mind just yet i dont think he is a bad person at all, and maybe that's why i cant let go, because deep inside i want him in my life no matter what. I just need to understand that we cant be a couple yet (or at all) which would make my life easier you know? cause, in ur story, Debby kept on living, she didnt stop living because of you.

The guy in my story did not stop talking to me when his current gf asked him to, he even told her all about me and told us both that whenever i call he would answer, it wont matter if he is with her or not, u know? which isnt fair to either of us!

so my question for you is: what should i do? just give him space, not to call and let it go or keep calling when i feel like talking to him, just like friends?

thanks so much for answering!

October 9, 2009

Ok, I'm going to try to put myself in your place.

I'm pretty straightforward all of the time, which is a good thing, but can also turn out pretty ugly .

But seeing as he already knows that you are more than just attracted to him. I'd tried to meet up with him.

I'd ask him what keeps him with his current GF. And see if you can match it or even be better at it?

Show him that you have tons of respect for him, for who he is and what he accomplished in is life. Make him feel like it would be an honor to be the one he calls his GF. If you know the downpoints of his relationship, don't just go and point them out. But (if it's true) put yourselve in the spot where you'd be his GF. As for example:

His current GF is a bad cook.

Show him that you are a very good one! Don't tell him his current GF is a bad one, this will scare the hell out of him, as men don't like their GF's to be dissed. But if you are better at any of her traits, he will notice!

If the two of you meeting up goes bad, and he sticks with his current GF. Then just stay friends, because you will always meet someone in the future that you think is a possible match for you. You just don't know until you try .

After mandy, I've had about 6 girlfriends. I noticed that I had a really strong connection to these girls, but at the same time no one could satisfy me in the way i wanted them to. This is obviously not the way you should act, but I started to get to know myself better and better, and now I have exactly what I want. Debby is right beside me at this time reading what I'm writing and she says you should go for it. If it turns out he won't go for you, don't be bothered and live your life! It's going to be beautiful as it is

We're going to sleep now, because it's about 3:30 AM here. But I really wanted to post another reply. I really hope everything works out for you, because from what I read you're worth it!

October 9, 2009

you both helped a lot, thanks for taking the time to reply again. im going to think it all trough. i'm glad i found this forum because i needed to hear some diff point of view. im going to give him some space, maybe he also need to put his heart/mind in the right place...

thanks to all of you

October 9, 2009

Hey, you're more than welcome. And hopefully everything will work out the way you want it to .

October 9, 2009

hopefully yeah, all i want is to be happy. if isnt supposed to be with him i want to find the strength to go on without him, u know?

im trying not to contact him today, but its so hard, i feel like calling or txting all the time! but he didnt answer my last txt from yesterday so i dont think i should try contacting him again. its so hard...

October 11, 2009

Look, everyone is looking for a strong person to be with. Someone that know's what he/she wants. Isn't that what you're looking for too? So maybe if you can find the strength to carry on without him, he will notice that you are actually the one he's supposed to be with. That's what happened to me, and it all worked out fine.

I'll be checking this topic as much as possible to see how you're doing! But I'm convinced that you'll find a way to move on and find the love you've been looking for for so long

October 11, 2009

once again thanks, ur words mean a lot to me! it helps me to go on, really!

i made another topic, cause my therapist said almost the same thing u did, that i should keep talking to him and stuff. Yesterday he called to check on me and right before we hung up he said "i adore you, carol" i dont even need to say how glad he made me feel, right?

im taking it slow, going with the flow, hopefully it will all turn out ok

October 12, 2009

I've been thinking about this topic today, and I suddenly thought that maybe you should hear your friend out. About what's going on with him, how he's feeling atm, etc... Maybe there's a deeper reason than the one's you know for him not wanting to be with you at this time. Seeing as he said 'I adore you', must mean that he's really into you.

Just try becoming his friend once again, and then his lover . So he knows he can count on you, whenever he needs you, whereever he needs you. If by then he doesn't understand that you are really loving him. He's just plain stupid x

October 12, 2009

hey there! every time u reply to me i have smth new to tell. well, last night, around 1am i couldnt help it and send him a txt, it said "i miss u" he called me right away, he told me he was thinking of me the whole weekend that he went with his gf to the the movies and all he could think about was when we used to go to that same movie theater. he also said he is thinking about me a lot and that this is making him really confused. I told him not to put himself in so much stress, that things would turn out alright that he needed to relax and stuff. we stayed on the phone for about 2 hours, he said he was really sleep when he was at the movies but that now that he was talking to me he was wide awake.

after we hung up i txted him again saying that i really felt so good after we talk, he txted me back saying he felt just the same. After that i told him i was becoming paranoid cause i was missing him all the time even after talking to him, he said i wasnt the only one and that he wished i was there with him. WTF, right? cause when i told him that one day i would be and that some day our time would came he said he wasnt sure about that, he said that maybe our time would NEVER come.

he drives me crazy, he says all those cute things and then he takes it all away, i dunno why... its so hard. I spent the whole day thinking about him and hurting cause i know he is with her. i dunno what to do anymore.

October 14, 2009

If I were you I'd wait for him to initiate some sort of conversation (over the phone, msn, text, etc) next time. That way you'll see howmuch he's really thinking about you. If he really wants to call you, and he's out with his GF, he'll run to the restroom and call you .

Find out how true his feelings are, put him to the test, you've already proven yourselve enough.

October 14, 2009

u are like my new BFF lol i always feel a lot better when i read ur messages!

he called me twice today, but my battery had died and i couldnt get the phone calls, which was good cause at least i got to see that he called, right? but then when i called him back we talked just a little after that we spent the whole night txting ( i was at the uni) then i asked him if he wanted to go grab a coffee or smth but he said he was too tired and already on his pjs (lol) i was a bit disappointed but one day at a time, right?

thanks again

October 16, 2009

Read your post, and I just thought about one song! "Jordin Sparks - One Step At A Time" You probably know it, and if you don't just listen to it .

It's a good thing that he showed some reaction first, try making him used to the fact of he contacting you first now. I've found some great information on the net on how to approach people for people who have difficulties dealing with being open. There was also alot of things that could apply to your situation. If you want, I'll give you one of my emailadresses, i'll mail them to you. Otherwise I'd be spamming this forum I guess ^^.

Talk to you later!

October 16, 2009

i would love if u could send it to me, u can emailed me too at [email protected].

im doing what u said and waiting for him to contact me first, we havent speak since tuesday

October 18, 2009

Emailed you! Talk to you later!

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