I Miss the Kiss Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Okay, as you may or may not know from my previous posts, I am a MW with a now xMM. He 2 weeks ago went back for his umpteenth attempt to commit 100% to his M and his W.... I am strongly considering and almost to the point where I am ready to go NC. We never put NC in place, just kind of drifted apart to LC. He has NEVER been strong enough to even suggest NC during his various attempts to go back to work on his M. I digress... I am weak and still write him, as we are a long-distance A, and writing is how I keep my sanity. He still purposefully checks his secret email account and reads my emails. So much for his 100% commitment. Anyway... xMM works 24-hour shifts at a time, and I knew that he was working last night. So as per our normal routine, and my extreme weakness, I texted him as I was going to bed to say goodnight. I mentioned I was going to drink a glass of wine and read my newest Cosmo magazine. He has rarely responded (and I mean VERY rarely) to my few texts over the last two weeks, only emails. But last night after this text to him, he texted back right away: "Cosmo is girl porn :)" So I was weak and unable to resist being pulled into this conversation, so I texted back sarcastically: "I learned some of my best moves from this magazine, so don't complain! :)" Okay, so I am thinking he is going to completely shut down at this point because he usually does when he is "working on his M"... but instead I get a text back: "I think you should stop reading Cosmo and learning new things :(" WHAT??!! Yeah, of course you do!! You don't REALLY want me making anyone else happy, including my own H! GRRRR.... So I reply: "Why do you think I should stop reading it?" and he says, "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair of me to say that..." I am not upset for his comments, because I brought it on myself by texting him to begin with when I know in my heart that I should not. I just thought it was ironic, and almost funny that he feels that way... yet there he is with his W "100%". Honestly, I am glad I texted him... because today I feel 100 times stronger and have not contacted or emailed him once and do not plan to at all. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will handle tomorrow when it gets here. But for now, today, I am not giving him the satisfaction I have even started to draft my NC letter. Its about time he realizes that he can't have it both ways, even though he once asked me if I would become Mormon so he could stay with us both, have 2 wives!!!!!!!! LOL LOL Thanks for letting me share this insignificant but humorous event. I feel better already!!!
MistyK Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Its about time he realizes that he can't have it both ways, even though he once asked me if I would become Mormon so he could stay with us both, have 2 wives!!!!!!!! LOL LOL It seems to me that most, if not all MM experience this "Big Love" fantasy. Hell, fMM told me that he would have stayed with his wife with me on the side forever if I would have let him. I don't understand why they seem to think this is a valid fantasy, or even an attractive one. I was a WS too, and when I started feeling torn, I wanted resolution ASAP, and I can honestly say I never had a polygamy fantasy. I'd actually be quite curious to know if an MW out there had this kind of fanatsy, or if that's pretty mcuh reserved for MM.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 I'd actually be quite curious to know if an MW out there had this kind of fanatsy, or if that's pretty mcuh reserved for MM. I thought he was joking at first, and to some extent I suppose he was... but then he kept saying it from time to time. I couldn't even jokingly entertain that idea. All I could ever say in response was, "Are you KIDDING ME???" As much as I love him, ummmmm.... NO.
donnamaybe Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Hell, I think you should stop reading Cosmo simply because the magazine is 99% advertisements.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Hell, I think you should stop reading Cosmo simply because the magazine is 99% advertisements. OMG I almost spit my drink out on my monitor! You are SO right about that one. Not to mention it is basically a glorified sex manual these days. I'm not sure I could buy another one now, anyway. xMM ruined that one! Now I will think of him every time I read it...
CarbonCopy Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 It seems to me that most, if not all MM experience this "Big Love" fantasy. Hell, fMM told me that he would have stayed with his wife with me on the side forever if I would have let him. My MM said that to me, too! WTF?
moaningmyrtle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 My MM said that to me, too! WTF? Arrgh....that's what my WH said to me too...after d-day.
sadintexas Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Arrgh....that's what my WH said to me too...after d-day. It's one thing to say that to your AP because they are aware that a triangle exists, but to say it to your BS? It's funny because I could almost see that coming as a very weird compliment from a WS to an AP. It's like his way of wanting to legitimize the relationship. The thought of making a choice between the two women and sticking to it isn't something they care to do lol.
eyeswide Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Arrgh....that's what my WH said to me too...after d-day. Yes, mine said it BEFORE dday, when I knew how he felt about her but before I knew it was an actual affair. There was even talk about her coming to live with us for a while. ARRRRGGGGHHH...I trusted them both so much I never thought anything could possibly happen. Dumbass...
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Its about time he realizes that he can't have it both ways, And I hope you know this too. Glad to hear you're about to do the NC letter - But blaming him so much isn't helping. What you've said about him, his wife, his marriage, his (non)efforts to fix things at home, can be said about you, your marriage and husband. I really hope you're able to break away from him, learn NOT to care what he thinks/does/says/feels about himself, marriage and wife. Focus on you and your own life.. Good luck.
norajane Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 It's one thing to say that to your AP because they are aware that a triangle exists, but to say it to your BS? It's funny because I could almost see that coming as a very weird compliment from a WS to an AP. It's like his way of wanting to legitimize the relationship. The thought of making a choice between the two women and sticking to it isn't something they care to do lol. I don't see it as a compliment! I see it as a cake eater who wants both women and wishes they would both happily accept that he doesn't want to give either of them up. He's not trying to legitimize it for the OW's sake - he's trying to have both the women he wants and have them both be happy about sharing him!
fooled once Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Ditto NoraJane and how do you KNOW he reads your emails? Do you have a tracker on it? If you really are done with this relationship and done being the OW, stop texting him and emailing him.
jj33 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I thought of that too - the Mormon thing. The situation got to a point where it tore xMM up. The whole situation really stressed him out. For someone who I thought was an accomplished serial cake eater, he had a lot of angst over the whole thing.We already had the Big Love set up to some extent because I was like wife number 2, but had we lived in a Mormon community it would have been more acceptable to people other than his W. I kind of liked the idea but neither of us was prepared to move to Utah. LOL the thought of his wife in a small town in Utah. OMG I cant stop laughing. Well at least he was honest with you. As you say each day is a new day. It takes time to get used to not contacting them sometimes.
Fallen Angel Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I thought of that too - the Mormon thing. LMAO.. sorry I just need to add my two cents here and remind everyone that MORMONS do NOT live in multiple marriage situations. That is a common misconception. The LDS (Latter Days Saints) Chruch DID at one point condone polygamy, but you need to remember that that was during a time when men often died quite young leaving behind wives and children who were at that time unable to own property, hold jobs etc. So the members of the church who were finacially able to provide for those families took care of them as surrogate husband/fathers. Eventually, these once platonic relationships did lead to multiple marriages that were also of a sexual nature. But that was done away with by the LDS church LONG AGO! It is only splinter groups (cults) who use the old teachings of the church and call themselves "Mormons" (to attempt to lend credence to their views) who practice polygamy. However the TRUE Mormon Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has stated time and again that pologamy is NOT okay. The LDS Church believes in the Law of God first, very closely followed by the Law of Man (the laws set forth by our government). So, everyone can let thier MM know, he has to join a CULT to be polygamous, or just do it and hope he doesn't get caught by the government, but becoming Mormon won't help him!
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Ditto NoraJane and how do you KNOW he reads your emails? Do you have a tracker on it? If you really are done with this relationship and done being the OW, stop texting him and emailing him. I know because he replies to them. The replies may be very short, but replies nonetheless...
jennie-jennie Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 It amazes me that these MM will go and "work on their marriage" time and time again. My MM learned quickly with less than a week of NC that as long as I am part of his life which includes his emotions, he is not able to work on his marriage. According to him, he would have to first end our relationship, then mourn it until he got past his feelings for me, and not until both relationship and feelings were gone could he work on his marriage. During our NC my MM was reading my posts on LS. So much for NC. Still, not having the direct communication with me was painful enough for him to throw away any plans of working on the marriage. Are these guys really managing to fool themselves that they are successful in working on marriage while OW is still around?
jj33 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 LMAO.. sorry I just need to add my two cents here and remind everyone that MORMONS do NOT live in multiple marriage situations. That is a common misconception. Darn another dream shattered!
jj33 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Jen I think going to work on my marriage is sometimes code for.... I dont want to lose you forever. If I dawdle any longer you might show me the door, Im not ready to leave... Its the MMs equivalent of a "time out" or to borrow from Friends youre on "a break" Many people do truly want to work on their marriages. Others need to buy some time. Its a good strategy. Many OW dont hear "I wont leave." They hear "I need to make sure I am doing the right thing." So intended or not it becomes another way of leaving the door open....
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Are these guys really managing to fool themselves that they are successful in working on marriage while OW is still around? Not only are they fooling themselves..but their OW as well. I agree...it is not possible to work on your M if you still have contact with OW.
Author I Miss the Kiss Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Not only are they fooling themselves..but their OW as well. I agree...it is not possible to work on your M if you still have contact with OW. DI, I am curious why you feel that way. Is it because the feelings about the OW are still too "there"? I thought most MM were able to compartmentalize that stuff. I'm not second guessing you, just wondering. Since you're a guy and all
Devil Inside Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 DI, I am curious why you feel that way. Is it because the feelings about the OW are still too "there"? I thought most MM were able to compartmentalize that stuff. I'm not second guessing you, just wondering. Since you're a guy and all I say this because if you are truly working on the marriage...then you need to be able to emotionally invest...which means you must give yourself to your spouse...and it is hard to do this if your heart is divided. I know if I still had contact with my xOW I would have a harder time then I do now being there fully for my wife...in an essence it is still an emotional affair. Now...is this the case for all guys...no. Some can claim to be working on their marriage and still contacting their OW...but I think that is crap. More than likely they are really just telling both women what they want to hear. I think that to truly work on or commit to either relationship you do just that...pick one and only one...if you have contact with both people...you are still in both relationships.
sadintexas Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I don't see it as a compliment! I see it as a cake eater who wants both women and wishes they would both happily accept that he doesn't want to give either of them up. He's not trying to legitimize it for the OW's sake - he's trying to have both the women he wants and have them both be happy about sharing him! I totally agree with you about the cake eating. I find a bit of humor in MM attempts at placating both women now that I'm removed from such a situation. But I can just see the wheels turning now. He'd get what he'd really LOVE to have, and he's letting OW know that she's important enough to bump up to W status ALONG WITH current W. Skewed and crazy, YES but logical and desirable to MM. LOL
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