angelrae Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I haven't posted much here so I don't know if I should post here or infidelity forum but I"m afraid if post there everyone will automatically assume someone is cheating... Anyway my husband and I have been together 8 yrs. He was engaged a few years before we got together. I think they broke up in 99 and we got together in 2001. He had dated two other people after she broke up with him. When we first got together, I thought they had JUST broken up the way he talked about her. He still called her "my fiance" which was weird for me. He also would compare things (like the first time I spent the night with him he told me "I haven't stayed with anyone since Sarah" The weird thing is that they remained friends and even worked together. Shortly after we got together, she got married and he was invited to the wedding. Of course I went with him. Two years after she got married, she got divorced and immediately married someone else (like a month after her divorce was final) At first I didn't mind her- she seemed nice, was the total opposite of me, and she was always friendly towards me. She is the one who left him. She moved out of their apartment for reasons I'm not entirely clear on (he said he thinks she was cheating but doesn't know for sure). There were times before we were married when he said innapropriate things about her to me (he once told me she was a nympomaniac when they were together TMI!) and another time he told me about different places they had sex. He did tell me they would never get back together because they tried twice (broke up and got back together) and they just didn't click. That she was too different and they had different views on things. She was the one who wanted who wanted to get engaged and she told him how she wanted to be proposed to (in front of her entire family at a party) Another innapropriate thing he did was a few years ago (when she was going thru her divorce) he called her and he lied to me about it (told me he called someone else) he said he didnt' want me to get mad but was just calling to check up on her. (even though they worked together and could talk at work) To this day he still works with her and it is starting to bother me. She is married and has a child and her husband was out of work and she confided in MY husband about how she's mad at hers. She also told him what I consider personal information (that she's called her husband by MY husbands name in bed before and how much money her husband was making. I am friends with an ex so I am not worried about that becasue we talk as well but I'd NEVER say those things to him. My husband says it is just because she is a big talker and he feels that if he tells me its ok cause I know and he's not hiding it. But he will tell HER things that I've sadi that weren't meant to be shared such as when he told me the story about her husband quitting his job and she had to support them for a year because he thought he was too good for lower paying jobs I told my husband if it were me, I'd probably leave him and I can't believe she puts up with that. Well he told her and she was upset that I said that. It wasn't meant to be shared with HER, it was just my opinion of the situation. Is she sharing too much with him or is this just how friends at work talk?
hopeful1980 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I think his relationship with his ex is inappropriate and I would tell him as such.
inhindsight Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 well, the good thing is he tells you what they talk about. Hopefully he tells you all of it, although his lying about calling her is disconcerting. I personally think it's WAY too close of a relationship for people who were previously quite intimate. It is possible that they are just friends, but he's gotta be able to draw the line. Telling her stuff that clearly would be meant for only you two to share. Does he know how you feel? More importantly... do you trust him? Or are your spidey-senses tingling?
OWoman Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 She dumped him. He's probably never really gotten over that - especially as they're still working together - and that closeness probably still feels natural to him. If you're finding it intrusive - and it sounds like you are - you need to tell him that you're finding the M a bit crowded. Tell him you'd like to be sure that the circle of intimacy includes just the two of you, as you're finding it hard to be completely open and honest with him out of fear that it might be relayed to her, and that you're worried about the impact that this dynamic may have on your M, longer-term. It's a legitimate concern - even if their behaviour is completely innocent (and there's nothing you've reported to suggest it's not) it can still be inappropriate if you're finding it so. It is perfectly normal for friends in the workplace to become close - particularly where they have an intimate history behind them - but this isn't about whether or not their behaviour is acceptable or not - it's about whether or not it's acceptable TO YOU in the context of your expectations for your M. Speak to him about it, and let him know very clearly what your expectations are. He may have to make a choice - either to put some emotional distance between himself and his x, which will probably require a period of loss and mourning, which it sounds like he's never really been through; or to insist on retaining that level of closeness to her, at the risk of jeopardising your M down the track if your resentment of the intrusion grows. Seeing it in that stark a light may help focus his mind - and yours - about what really matters in your M.
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