turnstone Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Reading a couple of other people's stories I realise that I'm not alone in my situation, that there are others out there dealing with a serial cheater who, now their crimes have been exposed, is being frankly embarrassing in his attempts to win me back and prove how great he really is. I am repelled by him, I want no part of him or, more acurately, I want him to have no part of me. However, reading that someone else in my situation is going to marriage counseling in an attempt to have an amicable divorce, I wonder if this would be a good avenue to explore for myself. I am hesitating as the last thing I wish to do is give him the faintest glimmer of hope that I will go back to him. Is there a happy medium, a balance to be struck? He is ruthless (and I now suspect less than honorable too) in business. He holds three or four fairly senior positions and I'm fairly sure the attitude I've seen him display demonstrates his ability and willingness to screw me over, and not only financially. Infact, I should say at this point, I am independent financially so my only interest in finding an amicable stance is to ease the divorce and to prevent any future ill feeling which could lead to god knows what from him.
2sure Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Hi, yep, that would be me. And for the record, just so you know - there are plenty of other posters here who are married to serial cheaters but they just dont talk about it as openly as the other types of infidelity. Mind boggling isnt it?? Your story sounds a LOT like my own..but then when it comes to serial cheating - so many of the aspects are identical. So stop feeling stupid right now, because I know you do , and I know that thats what has generated a good part of your rage. Or maybe I dont know anything because Ive just had my head shoved up my as*. So, yes..I would be happy to share with you. The MC - to be honest its been a very good thing. It has reduced my rage, enlightened me regarding my own feelings and also helped me to realize that my H is not necessarily an axe murderer - just out of control. And that knowledge has given me some control. Right now, I believe that he would - like all narcissists - do anything including treat me unfairly in a divorce, to keep our marriage together. I am hoping MC will give him back some sanity and create some communication between he and I...that will lend itself to his realization that an amicable divorce will be in everyone's best interest. It helps that the MC has experience with this and that my H and the MC know thats the reason I'm going.
Author turnstone Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Yep, that was you I was thinking of and I'm grateful you've seen this and replied. Yes, it really is mind boggling and yes, I'm angry. Really, really angry. I did indeed feel stupid. Stupid to waste so much time, energy and effort on a man who nothing and nobody will ever be enough for. But now I feel more..... I don't know, I want to say I actually feel quite good about myself. I worked damn hard, gave a huge amount and I've learnt an awful lot in a very short space of time. Its still up and down, as I know you appreciate, but the downs are becoming less about me and more and more about him. I like what you have to say about MC and it makes an awful lot of sense. The one part that I hesitate to believe would work for the nearly ex (I can't say 'my' and I refuse to say 'husband'), is that it may help him to gain some sanity. Maybe I will change my mind, maybe this initial revulsion will dissipate enough for me to reconsider. Or maybe the speed of these legal proceedings will stop him in his tracks and he won't have time to put any obstacles in my way. I don't know. Having said that, one thing I hadn't considered before reading your post, is going to MC for me. Thank you.
misternoname Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 As we discussed in your other post, I too was married to a serial cheater (is 4 affairs enough to qualify for that title?). After we finally split up my ex hooked up with Mr. Wonderful...they're getting married in December (only 9 months after our divorce). Here's the irony...during our separation her and I slept together on three separate occasions WHILE she was dating him exclusively. She even admitted to sleeping with another dude again while in her "exclusive" relationship with her fiancee! Do you see a pattern? She cheated on me numerous times...she's already cheated on her future husband. Serial cheaters are what they are and they DON'T change!...I suspect your man is no different. In my humble opinion, save yourself future misery and move on.
2sure Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 NOT moving on just really isnt an option. The only single alternative to not moving on (ultimately to divorce) is indifference. Thats it. And to some, depending on all of the other circumstance of their life...its a viable and logical option. I considered it, I see other people do it. Really, its about money and comfort...but what isnt? For me, after I weighed and considered...I want out. I want out with what I can get, but in the end if I get nothing, I still want out. But the MC, even together...honestly, and I'm as nuts and angry as anyone else in my position - its a good thing.
2sure Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I wanted to add to turnstone directly...I think I read both what you said directly and between the lines... These ultra successful, brilliant, manipulative men are narcissist just by nature and will do anything to keep things the way they want them OR can be cold and calculating to anyone, you included , when the end result is not going their way. For example, since I'm sharing...in the midst of all of this, at the height of the drama, while he was on his knees begging....my H took out another Life Insurance Policy on me with him, not my daughter, as the benefactor. You understand me?
Author turnstone Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Oh Christ. Seeing that, I am devastated. Truly. 2sure, how is it possible to give so much and have one's heart ripped out with such finesse, with such precision? All with such a loving smile? How the hell do I 'get over it'? Help.
Fallen Angel Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I wanted to add to turnstone directly...I think I read both what you said directly and between the lines... These ultra successful, brilliant, manipulative men are narcissist just by nature and will do anything to keep things the way they want them OR can be cold and calculating to anyone, you included , when the end result is not going their way. For example, since I'm sharing...in the midst of all of this, at the height of the drama, while he was on his knees begging....my H took out another Life Insurance Policy on me with him, not my daughter, as the benefactor. You understand me? 2sure!!! I hope you are being very carefull!!! Now I am gonna worry myself sick about you. Please take whatever precautions you think you need to in order to ensure your safety!
2sure Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Thanks for asking. I called him on it, brought it out in the open. Told him I can believe it was his part of the crazy threatening we both did during the D-Day Period. Then, I gave copies of everything to my attorney to put in a safe place and my H knows that someone else, not me, has all of the information to ruin his career. More recently in MC I told him I would destroy it all. Which of course, I wont. Ever. But how to "get over it". You dont. TS- I would run to a MC alone and get some insight and skills just to help you with the day to day - to get your head in order. You have to be thinking clearly, even with a broken heart.
Athena Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Turnstone, The best book you can buy on this is called, "Surviving the Storm-- Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist " by Richard Skerritt (buy it off his website direct from the author, it costs $24 and is cheaper there than elsewhere). I am gonna copy and paste the following info. "About the Book You may have thought that living with your troubled spouse was hard. But now that you’ve reach the point of divorce, you probably already know that this can be ever harder. Narcissistic behavior can be labeled as borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, or just intolerable, but it all derives from one fundamental driving force: narcissists can’t tolerate criticism, especially public criticism. And divorcing them is about them most direct and public criticism you can make. You’ll know you’re there when your soon-to-be ex spouse begins a campaign of destruction against you. And if you don’t know how to resond and deal with it, it can take a terrible toll. Surviving the Storm offers practical strategies that can help you reach a settlement with your soon-to-be ex, in spite of his or her seeming determination to scorch the earch. The key is understanding that narcissists fear, above all, critical judgment by others. Your decision to divorce sets these fears in motion. To counter them, you need to know how to split the battlefield, offering on the one hand a safe alternative in which you get what you need, and on the other a continuing stream of criticism, judgment, and shame heaped on your soon-to-be ex. In essence, you trade the safety of silence for the things you need in the settlement. Surviving the Storm also offers practical boundaries on what you can and can't expect to do. It explains the impact of divorcing a narcissist on your children, and offers strategies and tactics to help achieve a custody arrangement that is best for your kids. It explains what parental alienation is and where to get more help with it. It offers some reflection on the moral issues we face in divorce, including the Catholic Church's surprising position holding that marriage to a narcissist is a moral impossibility. Finally, it offers a perspective on healing and the need for new experiences to move on."
bluegreen12 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Turnstone, The best book you can buy on this is called, "Surviving the Storm-- Strategies and Realities when Divorcing a Narcissist " by Richard Skerritt (buy it off his website direct from the author, it costs $24 and is cheaper there than elsewhere). I am gonna copy and paste the following info. "About the Book You may have thought that living with your troubled spouse was hard. But now that you’ve reach the point of divorce, you probably already know that this can be ever harder. Narcissistic behavior can be labeled as borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, or just intolerable, but it all derives from one fundamental driving force: narcissists can’t tolerate criticism, especially public criticism. And divorcing them is about them most direct and public criticism you can make. You’ll know you’re there when your soon-to-be ex spouse begins a campaign of destruction against you. And if you don’t know how to resond and deal with it, it can take a terrible toll. Surviving the Storm offers practical strategies that can help you reach a settlement with your soon-to-be ex, in spite of his or her seeming determination to scorch the earch. The key is understanding that narcissists fear, above all, critical judgment by others. Your decision to divorce sets these fears in motion. To counter them, you need to know how to split the battlefield, offering on the one hand a safe alternative in which you get what you need, and on the other a continuing stream of criticism, judgment, and shame heaped on your soon-to-be ex. In essence, you trade the safety of silence for the things you need in the settlement. Surviving the Storm also offers practical boundaries on what you can and can't expect to do. It explains the impact of divorcing a narcissist on your children, and offers strategies and tactics to help achieve a custody arrangement that is best for your kids. It explains what parental alienation is and where to get more help with it. It offers some reflection on the moral issues we face in divorce, including the Catholic Church's surprising position holding that marriage to a narcissist is a moral impossibility. Finally, it offers a perspective on healing and the need for new experiences to move on." Is your husband one of them?
Anahata Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 2Sure - sounds like he's trying to control with money, sweeten the pot, make it too hard to give up such a good thing. Mine's a serial cheater too. At first I thought I wanted MC and IC all around to fix things as I am willing to accept my own past behavior wasn't conducive to a happy marriage relationship but now I see he's got no intention (ability?) of changing his ways and claims his cheating is my fault b/c of X,Y,Z . . . He won't even acknowledge how many OW there are that I know about - he continues to play it off as if there's only 1 OW he shouldn't be contacting (but still does) I don't think mine's a Narcissist or a Sociopath, maybe Reactive Attachment Disorder from adoption issues but that doesn't even really seem to fully fit. Bottom line as far as I'm concerned at this point is that he cheats b/c he's a cheater. The rest is his problem to face and deal with should he ever chose to. I just want him out of my life.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 A friends therapist cautioned her not to divorce her narcissistic serial cheating husband. He taught her to make the N want to divorce her. Its the only safe way, he said.
freestyle Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 A friends therapist cautioned her not to divorce her narcissistic serial cheating husband. He taught her to make the N want to divorce her. Its the only safe way, he said. I've heard of this same method being used successfully.A woman I knew who had been in a very abusive marriage (for herself AND her 3 children) decided it was time to get away.She instinctively sensed that she was dealing with a man who wouldn't tolerate her leaving (huge blow to an over-inflated ego). She feared for her children's safety, as well as her own if she chose that course of action. So she decided to make him want to leave.........she quit cleaning the house, let it go to hell, quit cooking, became a cold fish in the sack, etc. Within 6 months her abuser up and disappeared, without a word or a trace. He never even bothered to stay in touch with his own children-he truly didn't care.............. I met her 20 years after that happened. She survived just fine on her own and raised 3 healthy kids who could've been damaged horribly had she not "escaped". Her method was drastic, but she kept herself and her boys safer, mentally and physically.
Author turnstone Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Athena, I'm so sorry, I needed to thank you and I plain forgot. So thank you, I've ordered it
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