JaggedRoad Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I was feeling great just the other day, but I crashed shortly after. I find myself thinking about her more and more. The 5'oclock wake-ups are coming back and they're more intense now. I started to see things more clearly over the last few days and realized my mistakes. I kept trying to blame her over and over in my head, but I think it was me who pushed her away even if it was unintentional. I desperately want to call her and apologize for not treating her with the care that she needed, but it seems too late for that and it may do more harm than good. Everything seems so hopeless now =/
DustySaltus Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I just re-read your post and I really admire what you did for this girl. I know what it's like to be in a long distance relationship where communication is the key. In my relationship I eventually moved to her country when we were engaged to be married. The distance wasn't what screwed us up, it was her trust and control issues. I have days where I think it's my fault but I did everything I could, just like you did. You have NO reason to feel like it's your fault. A couple of things stuck out to me: 1. She has money to go to Malaysia but not to come to NY. Did she ever come and visit you in NY? I know she paid for your ticket but if you guys both have a limited amount of vacation and are in a relationship I would think she would come to NY instead of vacationing somewhere else, or at least invite you. Something doesn't add up. 2. I know firsthand that when you are truly in love with someone no matter how far away you are from them you will find a way to be together. Relationships don't break because of distance, they break because of a LACK OF EFFORT. That lack of effort was not on you part, but hers. And it sucks, trust me I know but in the long run I don't want to be with someone who doesn't put in as much of an effort as myself. 3. Her friends didn't help the situation by talking in her ear about what your relationship was. But in the end if she truly wanted to get married to you she would tell them to mind their own business and you both would come with a plan to make it work. 4. Getting engaged and married is about sacrifice. I wanted to marry my EX and got on a plane, moved to her country and you know what............IT STILL WASN'T ENOUGH. She still didn't think I was serious for some reason. So don't beat yourself up. 5. She was going to be studying for another five years. Were you willing to give up everything and move to England for 5 years? Think about it, would she be willing to move to America for 5 years if she was in your shoes??? I DOUBT IT. We're both NY guys. There are SO MANY places to meet beautiful intelligent women. You will meet someone WHEN YOU ARE READY that not only gives the good feelings that your EX did but also wakes up to you everyday. You did A LOT for her, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. All you can do is control your actions and you did an admirable job. Down the line you will be rewarded for that.
Author JaggedRoad Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) I just re-read your post and I really admire what you did for this girl. I know what it's like to be in a long distance relationship where communication is the key. In my relationship I eventually moved to her country when we were engaged to be married. The distance wasn't what screwed us up, it was her trust and control issues. I have days where I think it's my fault but I did everything I could, just like you did. You have NO reason to feel like it's your fault. A couple of things stuck out to me: 1. She has money to go to Malaysia but not to come to NY. Did she ever come and visit you in NY? I know she paid for your ticket but if you guys both have a limited amount of vacation and are in a relationship I would think she would come to NY instead of vacationing somewhere else, or at least invite you. Something doesn't add up. It's difficult for her to visit the states because she has a Malaysian passport. This is where it gets a little confuzzling. At the beginning of the year, her mother was planning on going to Malaysia with her husband. My ex was going to stay in England. Then it got to the point where she was thinking about visiting the states, but she didn't want to get the visa to visit. She was thinking about what to do for summer, so she told me that she might go to Malaysia. She said to me, "or I can use the money for my baby's ticket." I sensed that she felt a little uneasy when she said it, so I told her that I would pay for a ticket and visit her when I save up enough money and she should use the money for herself. I reassured her that I would visit during Christmas. Yeah... that's not going to happen now. 2. I know firsthand that when you are truly in love with someone no matter how far away you are from them you will find a way to be together. Relationships don't break because of distance, they break because of a LACK OF EFFORT. That lack of effort was not on you part, but hers. And it sucks, trust me I know but in the long run I don't want to be with someone who doesn't put in as much of an effort as myself. She said she knew that we could continue the relationship if we worked really really hard on it, but she doesn't want to anymore 3. Her friends didn't help the situation by talking in her ear about what your relationship was. But in the end if she truly wanted to get married to you she would tell them to mind their own business and you both would come with a plan to make it work. I think she might have been really stressed out when her new friends questioned our relationship. Her perception of the relationship is easily influenced by other people. If other people praise our relationship, then she would come to me and tell me how wonderful our relationship is and how happy she is to have me. When other people make negative remarks about us (not particularly the relationship), she starts to doubt but apologizes to me for doing so. 4. Getting engaged and married is about sacrifice. I wanted to marry my EX and got on a plane, moved to her country and you know what............IT STILL WASN'T ENOUGH. She still didn't think I was serious for some reason. So don't beat yourself up. Yeah... but for some reason, I wouldn't mind trading places with you x_x You did everything. I don't think I did. 5. She was going to be studying for another five years. Were you willing to give up everything and move to England for 5 years? Think about it, would she be willing to move to America for 5 years if she was in your shoes??? I DOUBT IT. I was willing to stay in Scotland (where she's studying now) for a year or two and work there while she studied. I didn't mind, and she didn't seem to either. That changed when she broke-up with me. I told her that I would move to Scotland if that was going to save our relationship, but she was afraid it might not work out. We're both NY guys. There are SO MANY places to meet beautiful intelligent women. You will meet someone WHEN YOU ARE READY that not only gives the good feelings that your EX did but also wakes up to you everyday. You did A LOT for her, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. All you can do is control your actions and you did an admirable job. Down the line you will be rewarded for that. I know... everyone is pushing me to date again (even my professor). There were times when I didn't show her enough care and that realization is eating me up inside. And I'm really sexual when I'm around her. Sometimes she likes it, but sometimes she doesn't. There were times when I wasn't able to control myself and I think that hurt her. But again with the influence from external sources, she doesn't mind if I'm sexual when she realizes that her friend's boyfriend is the same way. In short, she seeks validation for a lot of things. I guess she no longer needs mine because I always praise and support her decisions as long as they are reasonable. I honestly do not know what happened to her in Malaysia. She just changed so much in such a short time. I feel really uneasy about this whole situation and it seems like she's hiding something. I'm aware of my mistakes, but I want to know if there's more to this. It's just really disappointing to see the relationship fall apart after all we've been through. I apologize for going back and forth trying to find something that might not be there. Edited October 8, 2009 by JaggedRoad
Scottdmw Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 After my break up the emotional ups and downs continued to affect me for a long time. And I definitely know what you're talking about with the 5 a.m. wakeups too. Somehow you've got to remember that even though you're feeling down today, in a couple of days you will be feeling better just the same way. And gradually the cycles get better. I'm a long way into my recovery, but these days I'm amazed at how good I feel almost all the time. I think I'm just as happy by myself now as I was in my relationship. I feel good all day long about whatever random things happen. It does help to try to stop blaming yourself. Especially if you've already spent some time thinking over your role in the breakup, there is no real use continuing to go over it. Try to do your best to not react to those thoughts when they come into your mind, but instead try to gently coax your mind to think about something else that you can do in the present to make either your life or somebody else's life better. Best wishes, Scott
Road To Joy Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I was feeling great just the other day, but I crashed shortly after. I find myself thinking about her more and more. The 5'oclock wake-ups are coming back and they're more intense now. I started to see things more clearly over the last few days and realized my mistakes. I kept trying to blame her over and over in my head, but I think it was me who pushed her away even if it was unintentional. I desperately want to call her and apologize for not treating her with the care that she needed, but it seems too late for that and it may do more harm than good. Everything seems so hopeless now =/ This happened to me over a month after the break-up and about 3 weeks of NC. I realized I did wrong (though I knew she did A LOT worst) and didn't feel very good about it. I contacted her and apologized for everything I did to her. I did this through MySpace and I noticed when I was going to message her, her mood wasn't happy, it was distraught or something along those lines. This gave me a self-esteem boost and though, "Hey, she misses me!" So along with my apology I said, "I don't know how much longer this offer will be valid, but if you want to talk, feel free to email me back." She emailed me back a month later, with my birthday as an excuse but the email didn't just say happy birthday, she told me how much she missed me and how she still loves me and everything has gotten worst for her, her moods have gotten worst, etc etc. It's SO hard not to give in, and I did. I knew the moment I saw that email that the offer wasn't valid anymore, I had made so much progress and I was starting to see happiness in my future. This just threw me off, and it's weird how these things are almost like you honestly can't control yourself. I admire anyone who can. Getting back in contact with her was the worst thing that could have happened. It hindered my recovery so unbelievably much. So if I were you, I wouldn't do it. But there are just SOME mistakes people have to make throughout their recovery to learn; I've never heard of anyone who had a perfect recovery, with NC never broken since it started. Good luck. Always remember you're not alone.
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