JMA707 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Just wondering has anyone ever gotten back together with an ex after an extended period of time?
motive2002 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Yes, but I do mean EXTENDED, as in years later. The problem with that is, they are called an EX for a reason, so it's likely the second time around isn't going to work either. It's better to completely move on, if you can help it.
justdana Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Yes. All three of my major relationships have been attempted at least twice, with the third currently on its sixth attempt in as many years (although only three of the separations were for a length of time long enough to constitute an actual break). In fact, I can only think of four people I've dated that I only dated once. I'm not entirely sure what that says about me (am I tenacious, or just insane?), but I am a testament to the fact that it can -- and does -- happen. BUT. <--- C'mon, you knew there'd be one. Unless BOTH parties are willing to put in the effort to rectify the problems that led to the break-up in the first place, all subsequent attempts will fail miserably. If nothing changes, nothing changes. To illustrate: I've been with the guy I'm with now for six long and stressful -- but occasionally magnificent -- years. The good times are indescribably good, but we both have serious issues that have to be solved in order for the formula to ever work. I have been guilty of putting my entire life on hold to coax this relationship toward the altar, thus giving up everything I was once interested in and working toward for myself. I gave up my independence and strength -- the very things that attracted him to me in the beginning -- and fixated on him. What he was doing. Where he was. Why he didn't return my call if he saw that I tried to get in touch with him 127 times (a personal record of which I am quite ashamed). This drove him nuts, and I understand why. His issue is that he is as comfortable with confrontation as one might be with a severe case of dysentery. This leads to an avoidance of open and honest communication, and many of his problems with me and my actions are not voiced until it's far too late. He plays it so cool when I do these things, but the reality is that he's keeping tabs on my screw-ups until enough of them have occurred to drive him to action (by which I mean hit the road). We come back to the relationship after enough time and space allow us to miss the other, but because these problems have never been more than simply masked, it always returns to this point. I'm trying a new approach to this in the hope that it will inspire change in him, but if it doesn't work, I'll be cured of my relationship-induced myopia and can move on then, anyway. In summary, yes, people often do come back together. Unless the parties are equally committed to the relationship's success, however, it ends for largely the same reasons as it did the first (second, third, etc.) time around. I can see the wisdom in the "just move on" mindset, even though I have not yet found the strength to adopt it for myself.
quarterlifecrisis Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Justdana, You have a really interesting history. Of these three major relationships where you guys broke up and got together, how long were the breaks in between? Did you and your ex's see other people in those times? Thanks for your insight.
Blah Toolz Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 People do get back together. I suppose I could say I am living proof, but after someone has crapped on your heart once, it's very difficult to say that anything you have is of absolute permanence when it comes to relationships. And I know I'm not in the majority, so take my story as you will. It depends on the maturity and empathy in both parties and the willingness to realize that though it will be difficult, things can be worked on and ameliorated. My gf and I had been going out for five years, and we stopped seeing each other for about six months. She was the dumper. She came back and said she wanted to do anything to make it work again. I was initially hesitant, but she was crying, kept coming to my house and hammering the point home that she was serious. Nearly hysterical. I could tell she was willing to change what bothered me and vice-versa and work with me so we could both grow together. After that, we started hanging out again slowly. Been back together for about five months now. I was at the point where I was pretty much ready to move on. Having fun being single and enjoying independence. Getting attention from lots of other girls. Of course, that always seems to be the classic and inherent time when they come back, right? I can't say there was any formulaic way in which this happened. Sure, I didn't beg for her back. Or stalk her every movement or slash her tires, or show up at a bar and punch any guy she was talking to in the throat or something else that would have irrevocably ruined a chance for reconciliation. But what I did do was just go on living. In the grand scale of things, two people uniting in love is a wonderful thing, but ultimately, you can't read or look to much into it. Time unfolds the way it will unfold. You can't control the other person's actions (unless you're a prison guard or a dominatrix) but you can control your own actions. Think of it as writing a rough draft for a story or trying to remember something that eludes you. Banging your head against the wall trying to remember or in an attempt to incite some form of contrived profundity will not help you out. Often times what you were trying so adamantly to remember will pop into your head weeks later; or you'll find some form of inspiration while walking down the street in a flash of brilliance that will help you tie things together in your writing. So to tie things up, here's what I'm trying to say: Think of the break up as not the end of something rigid and absolute. Think of your life as something flowing, hell, maybe even like water. Actively dwelling on the break-up, trying to force the person back, crying to them. That's like trying to punch water and break it in half. Can't be done. (If you can, I'm bringing Kryptonite and a knife to your house, Clark Kent!) You have to flow, just like water. Water conforms, adapts and continues moving with a constant fluidity. Even if it gets frozen, it just needs time to thaw out. (A metaphor for someone staying in bed all day after a break up? They just need to be thawed out and get back out there? Corny as hell, but I guess it works). That came out way more zen-like than I wanted it to at the inception of this post and it may not even make that much sense, but I just wanted to try and help anyone that was in pain. I was comforted here when I was in pain, and I just wanted to try and give some of that comfort back. So in terms of reconciliation, it may happen and it may not. You could meet someone you like even better. But just keep living your life. Hell, go outside and look at some water. Then you'll realize life goes on. Nature goes on. The universe goes on. Do it up and stop dwelling on what could have been or should have been. Those chapters are already written. Tough love, but sometimes that's what you need to hear.
Dream Brother Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 nice post blah, you sound like a level headed dude.
justdana Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Justdana, You have a really interesting history. Of these three major relationships where you guys broke up and got together, how long were the breaks in between? Did you and your ex's see other people in those times? Thanks for your insight. Interesting? Maybe. It's been pretty tedious, in retrospect. Anyway, since you asked: My first major relationship lasted from November of '94 until around that time in '97. I was 17 when we started dating and 20 at the time of the first split. We split up because he seemed disinterested and possibly not attracted to me, judging by his escalating porn habit (I'm less naive about these things now that I'm "old"). I saw someone else during our break, and although it's possible he did, too, I do know for a fact that he had a series of long-distance cyberflings. The reconciliation was pretty gradual; he was being very emotionally supportive after my best friend's death in 1998, and we just ended up back together. I think the entire break ended up lasting six months. We split again about six months after that and remained great friends from then on. (First split, my idea, second and final split, VERY mutual). The second relationship was a bit trickier: I married the guy. He had been a very close friend of mine since grade school, we started dating, and then got married. Almost IMMEDIATELY, the guy refused to let me leave the house. That's not much of an exaggeration, sadly. I was the breadwinner, yet he resented my job, my career aspirations, and anything that I wanted to do that did not revolve solely around him and catering to his whims. The marriage itself lasted two years almost to the day. We separated at my behest, and I began seeing someone a few months later. We were actually apart for 14 months before giving it another go. We lived together for about another eight months after that, and then he decided I hadn't changed. I still wasn't interested in being a companion, he said (First split, my idea; second and final split, his). The third relationship would take several pages to delineate, so I'll try my best to make it brief: Round one: October 2003 - February 2005. Split: his idea. Reason: Although I only see it in hindsight, it had everything to do with the person I had become. We began dating and I was the assertive, take-charge kind of girl who was Going Places™. I didn't make the calls, I took 'em. I didn't arrange the dates, I went on 'em if it suited me. Then, I lost my job five months in and lost my mind right along with it. Seriously. I had kicked so much arse to land that career, and it ruined my identity when I no longer had it. In the absence of anything more fulfilling, I reformed my identity around being Dude's Girlfriend. Anyway, it took me about two months to work up the courage to see anyone else, but I did go out with a few people (some more than once). He saw nobody. This is confirmed. Then, the boyfriend and I began talking again, which led to...Round two: October 2005 - June 2006. Split: his idea. Reason: same as before. I couldn't seem to detach myself enough to get my ***** straight, and I clung to him. Compounding matters at that time was a job loss on HIS part. He says he didn't see anyone then, but I suspect otherwise. I moved across town, began a long-distance relationship that ultimately ended because of...Round three: August 2006 - September 2007. Split: my idea. Reason: I had actually started Going Places™ again. Got some of my confidence back (I think they call it "groove" these days) and didn't feel I needed to accept the scraps I'd been thrown for so long. I began seeing someone almost immediately. Then, he experienced a devastating loss and I could not bear to think of him going through it alone, hence...Round four: October 2007 - May 2008. Split: my idea. By this point, I felt it either needed to be headed for the altar or done for good. We were back in a pattern in which I did all the work and I became very tired of it. He couldn't decide what he wanted, so I decided for him. I waited for FOUR months before seeing someone this time, because I wanted to make d@mned sure that I would be clear enough of my attachment to this guy to form one to someone else. Unfortunately for me, the guy I chose to date was a lunatic. On top of this, almost a year to the date that The Boyfriend experienced the devastating loss I mentioned above, he experienced another (death both times; trying to keep details to a minimum). He lost his cool, freaked out and called all of our friends and said, "OH MY GOD, I SCREWED UP! I MISS HER AND I NEED HER AND I'M READY TO GET MARRIED, WAAAAAAAH." Friend, I fell for it. Soooooooo hard. It was everything I had waited for. So...Round five: October 2008 - present. Now. We've had two "breaks" in there, but no actual break-UPs. These breaks have been initiated by him, both times because of my behavior (I'll cop to that; I've been a monster lately). The longest of the two lasted about ten days, and that's what we're coming off of now. We were supposed to be married in August, and you see how that turned out.Having written all this garbage has been a powerful reminder of what I'm dealing with. I get so caught up in the wonderful times I have with him that I can't see that I'm dealing with a commitment phobe, at best, and this has probably seen its best days already. *sigh* Anyway, I hope that answers your question.
justdana Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 And yes, that was an awesome post, Blah. Made me feel kind of hopeful, actually.
georgia girl Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 :love:Yes, they do... although extended? Not sure. Dated a year. Broke up for three months. Back together and we're counseling junkies. But here's the hard truth: it won't work if you're the dumpee and you're chasing your ex. There's no balance of power and all you will do is get yourself hurt even worse. Walk away. Heal yourself. Let him/her go. Get away from all of the emotion and decide what you want in a relationship (and the answer can't just be your ex!) If he/she comes back, be honest about what you need and take the right steps to get there. Back together now almost six weeks. Doing well. Loving therapy like crazy and happier than ever.
Kaya Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Time unfolds the way it will unfold. You can't control the other person's actions (unless you're a prison guard or a dominatrix) but you can control your own actions. Think of it as writing a rough draft for a story or trying to remember something that eludes you. Banging your head against the wall trying to remember or in an attempt to incite some form of contrived profundity will not help you out. Often times what you were trying so adamantly to remember will pop into your head weeks later; or you'll find some form of inspiration while walking down the street in a flash of brilliance that will help you tie things together in your writing. So to tie things up, here's what I'm trying to say: Think of the break up as not the end of something rigid and absolute. Think of your life as something flowing, hell, maybe even like water. Actively dwelling on the break-up, trying to force the person back, crying to them. That's like trying to punch water and break it in half. Can't be done. (If you can, I'm bringing Kryptonite and a knife to your house, Clark Kent!) You have to flow, just like water. Water conforms, adapts and continues moving with a constant fluidity. Even if it gets frozen, it just needs time to thaw out. (A metaphor for someone staying in bed all day after a break up? They just need to be thawed out and get back out there? Corny as hell, but I guess it works). Nice words Blah - thanks!
NopeNah Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 **IF** it does happen..It needs to happen on it's own. Just as when the relationship started. It wasn't forced, it just kind of happened. There can be NO pressure from the dumpee, only the dumper. It's best to move on and begin living your life(like Blah said in his great post). You weren't living your life for them when you met. So, why start now? Let them go and continue living your life for you. Because with or without them, life does go on!
unclarity Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I got back with my ex after 7.5 years. whoa.... and did it work? are u still together?
Nuala83 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I got back with my ex after 7.5 years. You're back with your ex Bluewolf? Fantastic!!!!!!!!!! Guess what.....I'm back with mine! :D:D
unclarity Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 You're back with your ex Bluewolf? Fantastic!!!!!!!!!! Guess what.....I'm back with mine! :D:D awesome! i hope to be able to say that one day too
bluewolf17 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Unclarity: Yes we are still together. We have a date tonight. Nuala83, I just saw your post about you and your ex. How funny that our timelines matched up. So happy for you!
Weezy Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 No Contact Does Work. I've gotten back with 2 Ex's using no contact and I've been lead around like a little puppy when I didn't go NC. I think that when you do get broken up with, you need to tell the person what you will change, what you will do, and what you mean to them.
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