Katerina Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 (edited) jane, thank you. im trying my hardest to cut ties with the affair. its been just a short time and although my heart is aching for the affair im almost a little surprised at how easy it is to focus my attention to my husband. tonight i saw him in a different light. the way i used to see him. the little things he did that started to drive me crazy ive begun to adore again. i spent so much time loathing those things because they were things my Ap would never do, but now i can see how i used to love those little things. in a way its so much harder than ive ever anticipated. to mourn the loss of the 2nd man ive ever loved. to just cold turkey quit something that was so involved for 3 years. but at the same time im surprised at how easy it is to love my first real love again. According to my H (who is WS), it takes a while to get from under the "influence" of the affair when it's still so recent... Once he was "in his right mind" again (his words), he realized that he never really loved her (see the thread on illusion), but have always loved me despite his horrible actions. Anyway, my point is... you married this man for a reason. Try to remember why, what feelings you had for him.. There was SOMETHING that can still be revived. I recommend this book: Staying Together When an Affair Pulls You Apart. http://www.amazon.com/Staying-Together-Affair-Pulls-Apart/dp/0830833994/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255185713&sr=8-1 Edited October 10, 2009 by Katerina
Dexter Morgan Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 dexter i was actually talking about my H. if hes at least still around that means theres some sort of chance, right? oh theres always a chance. but if he stays, can you handle looking at his face day to day knowing that he more than likely will be forever suspicious of you? That he no longer sees you the same way and will no longer take everything you say at face value? so yes, there is a chance.....but since you felt the need to cheat on him...why do you really want one? For the family? yourself? Because I highly doubt its for him.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 seems to me like people are saying that even if the BS stays the marriage is damaged and never the same. thats stating the obvious. of course its damaged and of course it will never be the same. but some people make it tolerable and deal with it. Its like totalling a car. It bashed up beyond belief....you can get it fixed...but it will never be the same and it cost too much to fix. Better just to total it out with the insurance company and get a new car. that the BS struggles forever to try to be happy. Oh, I think there are rare cases where a BS could block out what the cheater did to them because they just want to put the blinders on and pretend it never happened. And some, I think, are able to be happy because their family is still in tact. Doesn't mean they wouldn't be much happier with someone else. So I can't speak for everyone, but I know that I would have NEVER been completely happy if I had stayed with my wife. I'd be able to tolerate things and I'd be happy that my kids home was intact. but I knew I'd always look at her as a cheater.....so I divorced her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 She needs to realize if you dont do everything in your power for him to want to come back then he wont... Period! If your still pinning for the OM in anyway he will possibly just leave. You have to go in 100% and go in with giving him complete respect if he's there to try. He's gonna go through his phases be mindful of that. Realize that even after this the bs may leave anyways but it's always a gamble after trying to rekindle a relationship that had infidelity. If the woman I met had no compunction for even changing her ways to make us better, there's no reason for us to have a relationship. or even be together. Kids or no kids I wouldnt be with her. I have to much pride and self respect for it.
scatterd Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 It depends on how much see knows and how much hes giving her.Its hard to give up when a person has invested so much.
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