mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I'm a MOW to a MM. we had d-day last month. as of right now both spouses say theyre gone. but from reading the boards most everyone seems to have stories of trying to work it out after an affair. does anyone have a story of the BS leaving after d-day and never giving it another chance?
marlena Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Yes, me. I started divorce proceedings the next day. Enough was enough! I knew he would not work on anything. It was a done deal. Oh, and just to add. I didn't regret it ever!
LifesontheUp Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I didn't leave.......I packed his bags and told him to go to his OW.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Although me and the girl I was with wasnt married. I dropped kicked her so damn fast her whole head spun, I left her with no room for excuses or blaming. or pointing fingers. it laid on her sholders, she was a liar and a cheater and I didnt want her back at all... What's worse is that all I asked for was the truth and she even lied on that. So that right there shows me she isnt worthy of respect. All her friends made excuses for her, I cussed them out to. Cheating is a choice, no one forced her legs open what she did, she did it willingly... If you still love the OM and crave his attention why would your husband come back home, so you can stab him in the back again, go through withdrawl? cheat again later down the line. I'll let you in on something if your marriage was good as you say it was and cheating was a "mistake" what would happen when times got bad and rough, how worse would you do then? According to that theory he has no incentive to come back. You cant have both men... One will stay , one will go. 1
jwi71 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I replied to you in your other thread...so here is my story in a nutshell. Maybe now my advice will make more sense. I did NOT immediately divorce my now xW. I tried to work on it. We went to MC and I also went to IC. However, it was readily apparent ( a few months) that my then W wasn't into it...wasn't trying. She made no real effort to reconnect to me. I then checked out of the M and tried to stay for the kids. I couldn't do it. 8 months (roughly) after D-day I filed. Now finalized. And as a further note...I eventually found out she broke NC and was still "just friends" with him which explained her attitude and behavior. You gotta choose... 1
turnstone Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Yes, I packed myself up and walked out less than 24 hours after I found out. I'm now in the process of filing for divorce. My dear, darling, sweet, loving husband (note the sarcasm) hasn't left me alone since and I dread each day having to deal with his begging and pleading. 1
2sure Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 In the process of leaving. Husband is out of his mind with the crying, begging, etc. While we are in the midst of separating everything we are also attending a MC program - him hoping for a recovery miracle, me hoping it leads to a more amicable divorce. I dont know which is worse the initial lying to my face or the current groveling. Yuck. Take him.
smarterthanbefore Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I did, I found out the ex was cheating on a friday at noon, by 5 p.m on that day, my locks were changed and he no longer lived at my home. I put him out, cut off contact and tried to move forward. He however, came to my job crying and begging, kept e-mailing, texting and such. I changed my contact numbers and told my supervisor my situation and made the security officer at my job aware that he was harrassing me. I never looked back, and don't regret it at all. I don't believe in trying to work out relationships with cheaters. 1
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 ok. so add a twist. if they stick around initially does that mean theres a good chance they'll try to work it out?
smarterthanbefore Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 ok. so add a twist. if they stick around initially does that mean theres a good chance they'll try to work it out? It depends on the person and the situation. I had two friends that were cheated on and stayed initially. The first friend tried for a year, she could forgive, but not forget, so eventually she left. Could not get over it. The second friend is still with her husband. The cheating happened 5 years ago. Again, she forgave, but did not forget, and she told me that some days she wish she had the guts to leave like I did. They are not as happy as they use to be, and if you ask her how is her marriage, she always say she is taking it one day at a time. Who wants to live that way? One day she is strong on working it out, the next she is thinking about packing and leaving. They have a daughter, so she want her to have both parents. Whether the BS stay or go, the relationship is forever changed. It will never be the same.
jwi71 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 ok. so add a twist. if they stick around initially does that mean theres a good chance they'll try to work it out? If they stick around initially they ARE trying to work it out. What do you think they are doing otherwise? They aren't operating in a vacuum...they respond to YOU. So...your BH asks a question and you don;t answer or lie...its interpreted as protecting your lover. You grieve over your MM...protecting your lover. You need to pick and throw yourself 100% down that path. Not easy, maybe impossible...but some marriages DO recover. Your attitude, your honesty, your ability to meet your BH's needs...all matter. And every time you CHOOSE to not meet them...you push your H away. That was how I viewed it anyway.
bentnotbroken Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 ok. so add a twist. if they stick around initially does that mean theres a good chance they'll try to work it out? Nope, I stuck around for more info to get what I wanted in the settlement. What you are looking for in answers isn't going to come from outside, but inside you and your spouse.
LaGazelle Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 (edited) It depends on the person and the situation. I had two friends that were cheated on and stayed initially. The first friend tried for a year, she could forgive, but not forget, so eventually she left. Could not get over it. The second friend is still with her husband. The cheating happened 5 years ago. Again, she forgave, but did not forget, and she told me that some days she wish she had the guts to leave like I did. They are not as happy as they use to be, and if you ask her how is her marriage, she always say she is taking it one day at a time. Who wants to live that way? One day she is strong on working it out, the next she is thinking about packing and leaving. They have a daughter, so she want her to have both parents. Whether the BS stay or go, the relationship is forever changed. It will never be the same. I couldn't agree more, but I want to encourage those who may struggle with the thought that it will never be the same... In our experience, our relationship got worse for a short while, and then got infinitely better than it had been originally. However that took a lot of work from both of us, and a sort of getting to know each other more completely - flaws and all. I would not have stayed if the relationship had stayed the same because to me that would mean that the individual weaknesses would also stay the same and create further vulnerabilities. I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy, but we are proof that a lot of good can emerge from such an evil. My husband became a better man, I experienced what it meant to really forgive instead of perhaps gratifying my ego with attention from suitors, we became a better couple, and especially since starting our family, it seems truly pointless to focus on the historic negatives rather than all the positives we have now and can look forward to in the future. Things are indeed forever changed, but we shouldn't forget that that change can indeed be for the better. Edited October 9, 2009 by LaGazelle
Dexter Morgan Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 does anyone have a story of the BS leaving after d-day and never giving it another chance? yup, I am an x-BS who divorced his wife. Why are you asking this? you hoping that you can leave your betrayed husband and that MM will leave his family for you? sounds like this is what you may be hoping for. If so, I really hope that happens, because both your H, and the MM's wife deserve better people in their lives. and then when 2 cheaters finally get together......no complaining when either one of you does it to the other.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 dexter i was actually talking about my H. if hes at least still around that means theres some sort of chance, right?
Katerina Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Staying together definitely gives you more chances to work things out... As for me, I would have left after d-day if I had a place to go to and no children in the marriage. Or I would have kicked him out... and he almost left, but I stopped him because we had just moved into a small town and I didn't want my kids to suffer - someone at the school undoubtedly would have asked them questions... so again, I tried everything to protect my children... But, like I said, because we stayed under the same roof (although in different rooms for a while), staying together gave us a chance to start working things out. It was a really long process... still is (2 yrs later).
seibert253 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Staying together definitely gives you more chances to work things out... As for me, I would have left after d-day if I had a place to go to and no children in the marriage. Or I would have kicked him out... and he almost left, but I stopped him because we had just moved into a small town and I didn't want my kids to suffer - someone at the school undoubtedly would have asked them questions... so again, I tried everything to protect my children... But, like I said, because we stayed under the same roof (although in different rooms for a while), staying together gave us a chance to start working things out. It was a really long process... still is (2 yrs later). Kat's right on the money. Chances are if one goes, that's it. Statistics show this. Especially if the WS walks. I was about 15minutes from booting my FWW, when my father gave me some of the best advice ever, WAIT, TAKE YOUR TIME. He told me that I was angry, hurt and too emotional to make any lifechanging decisions. And he was right. If my FWW left, I know she wouldn't have stopped and had her WTFAIDing moment.
JaneInVegas Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I was the cheater, my ex-husband forgave me quite a few times. I was the one that did the leaving, because I just couldn't stand him anymore. Cheating on him so much was so very, very wrong and I regret the deception, but in the end the right thing happened ... we are no longer married. But in answer to your question, my ex forgave me more times than I care to share in a public forum. If it's hope and forgiveness you are looking for ... CUT ALL TIES WITH THE AFFAIR. The only way to do it is with a pure heart and pure intentions. Good luck to you, I hope everything works out well for the both of you.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 jane, thank you. im trying my hardest to cut ties with the affair. its been just a short time and although my heart is aching for the affair im almost a little surprised at how easy it is to focus my attention to my husband. tonight i saw him in a different light. the way i used to see him. the little things he did that started to drive me crazy ive begun to adore again. i spent so much time loathing those things because they were things my Ap would never do, but now i can see how i used to love those little things. in a way its so much harder than ive ever anticipated. to mourn the loss of the 2nd man ive ever loved. to just cold turkey quit something that was so involved for 3 years. but at the same time im surprised at how easy it is to love my first real love again.
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 ok. so add a twist. if they stick around initially does that mean theres a good chance they'll try to work it out? not for me...it meant H had NO where else to go, his brother kept kicking him out, friends same., i let him back 3 times thinking it could work if he came back and i could fix it...waste of time, i eventually packed his crap and thru it in the backyard...LOL.. he realized he just had no where else to go..cause his OW was also married...with children...so.. he lived in his car..so he said...boo hoo! p.s. the 3 times i let him come back..i really worked everything i could, from LS advice to the Love Dare book and movie..you name it, i tried it...it was just all too late...14 years, down the drain...for a 2 week online EA with a MOW...geesh!
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 seems to me like people are saying that even if the BS stays the marriage is damaged and never the same. that the BS struggles forever to try to be happy.
tami-chan Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 does anyone have a story of the BS leaving after d-day and never giving it another chance? I did not physically leave at that time, but I left in my heart....as a wife, I was gone right after D-day....but I just filed for divorce this summer....geez more than a decade and a half!!!! yes..everything was/is according to my timetable..as it should...
Devil Inside Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 seems to me like people are saying that even if the BS stays the marriage is damaged and never the same. that the BS struggles forever to try to be happy. Many are saying that...but there are many who have actually experienced the birth of a different marriage in the aftermath of an affair. Something that was not there before the A....maybe a stronger and better marriage. I would encourage you to read the words of Snowflower, Owl, NoIDidn't, Silktricks...there are many out there that came to have a different and fulfilling marriage post A. Once there is infidelity...the M as it was is changed, forever. However, what it becomes from there is not always a negative thing.
Katerina Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 seems to me like people are saying that even if the BS stays the marriage is damaged and never the same. that the BS struggles forever to try to be happy. Statistically, most marriages survive and become much better! On the days I'm mad, it's hard to believe that this could be true. But there are days when I feel the change for the better. Also, I agree with what our MC said - an affair is not the end of a marriage, but is a symptom that something is wrong. That wrong needs to be corrected (not that is BS's fault the other half had an affair... don't get me wrong). I go through cycles myself... but like I said, on good days I can see that our marriage can become much better. H is a changed man. He's more dedicated, more loving, more affectionate - all of this was somewhat missing in our marriage... no way do I attribute his "improvement" to the affair itself... but instead to the changes in him and his views that that horrible ordeal caused him to have.
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