littlebittle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Initially, he said that he only had platonic feelings for me. I wasn’t very upset about breaking up. This past month has been stressful for both of us, and I felt a relief to not have to deal with all of the fear and uncertainty that comes with a new relationship (I haven't been in a serious relationship in a few years, so this was a big step and sometimes overwhelming). But after a few days, I realized that I did care very much, and we are really good together. We said that we’d still hang out just as much. We are so compatible in every way, we have a deep emotional, physical, and intellectual connection. I don’t think anyone has ever felt so right to me, but I’ll admit that I have a hard time sharing emotions with most people. We really have become best friends, and neither of us wants to see less of the other. We hung out last week and it was as if nothing changed. We didn’t have sex, but he kissed my cheek and called me sweetie and wanted to hold hands and cuddle and have me sleep over. He was just as affectionate as ever, which was confusing because he said he had lost those feelings for me. I thought about all of this and decided to be honest with him this weekend. I really poured my heart out to him, and said things that I have never said to anyone. He was really surprised, but he’s a very sensitive communicative person, and because I have been so closed off, he had no idea that I had so many deep and intense feelings. He admitted that his feelings for me haven’t changed, but that he cannot be in a relationship right now. He went through a traumatic breakup a little over a year ago, and he’s still not over it. He’s afraid of getting hurt and taking things too quickly, and he doesn’t know when he’ll want to date again. He was adamant that it wasn’t about not wanting to date ME, but that he can’t date anyone. He said that if he were to date anyone, I would be that person and he agreed that we really have something special. So now I don’t know what to do. He wants to continue being friends. Of course, I do too. He said that he wants to be as close as he possibly can to me while still being aware of my feelings about everything. We’ve set some guidelines about physical affection, but I’m not sure if I can do this. I was honest with him and said I would make every genuine effort to truly be just friends, but I ultimately I want us to be together someday. I do feel that the way I opened up to him had a big impact on him, and in a way it made him feel more comfortable around me. It made me more comfortable, too. But if I continue opening up more, I could get really hurt if he ultimately doesn't want to be with me. If I stop seeing him altogether, I’m afraid our bond won’t grow. I have to protect myself, but I don't want to lose something so special. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never cared about anyone this way. (BTW, we're both in our mid-twenties. I've been in a few serious relationships, this is just his second one.) Thank you so much for any input!! I also posted this in the breakup's section, not sure which is a better place to post this kind of thing.
4givrnt4gtr Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 This sounds a heck of a lot like my own story. Exbf said he was still dealing with his break up, etc etc etc but wanted me regardles etc etc...etc Honestly? he's getting his cake and eating it too (ur guy). He has the pleasure of your presence, your friendship, minus the responsibility and the affection YOU need. If you continue with this "friendship" he will NEVER feel the full shock of not having you. Why would he change anything when he has all he wants? (a sweet girl who is willing to put her needs aside to meet his selfish needs). Why buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? he will never change his mind about actually dating you if you keep accepting his terms. You are lowering your worth by accepting the crumbs he's throwing your way. IF you really want him to make up his mind about you (either way) you need to shut that door and let him feel what its like to be without you. I know its gonna be tough for you too (BELIEVE me I know), but at the end of the day you want a man who is sure, regardless of ANYTHING whether its past or present, that he wants to be with you. You need a man who would rather lose his right hand than let you go. You need a man who wants to give you what you need and not ask you to put your own feelings on hold, sit and wait to see when he decides whether you are worthy of him or not, or whether he cant finally get over his past to maybe, MAYBE, actually care for you (Girl please!!!!) If he is that man, the best chance for him to feel that is by losing you ENTIRELY. No hang outs, no holding hands, no kissing, none of that. If he isnt...believe me you will dodge a bullet. What if you keep doing this and a few months down the road he tells you he's actually seeing someone else and he is so happy you're such a good friend that he can tell you all about it?? (been there done that, it is not pretty!) My best advice is cut him off...cut him off the pleasure of having you without you having him. Its not fair and you deserve better than that.
rainbowsandkittens Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) oh my god. TOTALLY. what she said. SO TRUE. so much better than what i wrote. that is exactly why i went total NC on my ex. well for me but that was the simple fact- why let him have what he wanted (getting to have me in his life) while i got nothing except to sit there while he dated other people. NO THANK YOU. wow, totally hit the nail on the head 4givr. Edited October 8, 2009 by rainbowsandkittens
georgia girl Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Ladies, walk away. Now. And please remember this for the rest of your lives: LOVE IS NOT HARD. If you have to wait around for some guy who isn't sure, you're being used. He may be the nicest guy in the world but believe me, men are different animals. He wants you waiting for him because he's a little bit interested but then he's going to go out and look for something better. And he's going to put some pretty happy face on it. Believe me, I'm nearly 40 and I have a lot of male friends who have confessed that they've been using those lines for years "on really good girls." There is someone out there for you and waiting around on someone who isn't putting in the effort for you just is not worth your time. It will hurt you and play with your self-worth. Walk away. If he chases, ask for what you need. Negotiate a deal that truly meets your needs and has no element of "waiting for someday" in it. If he can't offer that, walk away again. And if he chases a second time... don't turn around. A man who really loves you will pursue.
boogieboy Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 He is using all the classic excuses that his ex used on him, but its all bull. he doesnt want you and he never will. He wants you around to stroke his ego...In his mind hes thinking "oh man, I got this girl that wants me sooo bad..." Meanwhile theres another woman hes working on who isnt you. Never believe people during a breakup, mosty of them lie to get out of the situation. He says he cant be in a relationship right now, until you see him with some other woman in a month. What he really means is he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you. Thats it. If he told you that straight up, how do you think you would have reacted? Well, thats prolly why he didnt tell the truth. Its such a common excuse and its pathetic. So cut him off completely and move on with someone new, this guy is a douchebag and should be treated as such for using you like this.
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