scatterd Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Im sorry you hurt I think my husband has been cheating and my whole world is up side down.I think if you choose the mm that you will be in my shoes someday.After the new is gone and life sets in it will no longer feel the same.I would learn from this and try to do the right thing work on you right now.Your husband was the right man at one time you loved him but now you need to find yourself.Do some deep soul searching so the next person you are with will be the only one.We are here to learn and it has some hard knocks sometimes.Try to do whats right then the rewards will come later.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 you said it all. it hurts to know that i ruined it all for a man that picked someone else. So everyone else's pain is an acceptable cost to you if you get what you want ??? Seems like an awfully callous way to live your life. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves at what price - and to whom - comes those things we desire.... Mr. Lucky 1
2sure Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 browneyedgirl - It was NEVER a competition between you and his wife. It might have felt that way...but it wasnt. You have mentioned that it has been upsetting to you that when you send him messages - he either doesnt respond or responds casually. So, if you start ignoring him by NOT sending messages...that would be good for both of you... Yet you make it sounds as though you will stop contacting him to punish him... It sounds as though you attempted to use LC to get him back, as though you do not believe his reasons for working on the marriage are good enough.... If you have decided that you want MM, as in your first post you wondered if you should chase him...then fine. But , the thing is - if he doesnt want to be chased, you are treading in very unstable territory. Also, you might want to consider that its possible the only reason you want him back is you feel lost a competition...and thats not a good enough reason to mess with anyone's life, including your H's or your own.
bentnotbroken Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 browneyedgirl - It was NEVER a competition between you and his wife. It might have felt that way...but it wasnt. You have mentioned that it has been upsetting to you that when you send him messages - he either doesnt respond or responds casually. So, if you start ignoring him by NOT sending messages...that would be good for both of you... Yet you make it sounds as though you will stop contacting him to punish him... It sounds as though you attempted to use LC to get him back, as though you do not believe his reasons for working on the marriage are good enough.... If you have decided that you want MM, as in your first post you wondered if you should chase him...then fine. But , the thing is - if he doesnt want to be chased, you are treading in very unstable territory. Also, you might want to consider that its possible the only reason you want him back is you feel lost a competition...and thats not a good enough reason to mess with anyone's life, including your H's or your own. Thank you very much. I felt the same way about her posts.
NowhereToHide Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 browneyedgirl - It was NEVER a competition between you and his wife. It might have felt that way...but it wasnt. You have mentioned that it has been upsetting to you that when you send him messages - he either doesnt respond or responds casually. So, if you start ignoring him by NOT sending messages...that would be good for both of you... Yet you make it sounds as though you will stop contacting him to punish him... It sounds as though you attempted to use LC to get him back, as though you do not believe his reasons for working on the marriage are good enough.... If you have decided that you want MM, as in your first post you wondered if you should chase him...then fine. But , the thing is - if he doesnt want to be chased, you are treading in very unstable territory. Also, you might want to consider that its possible the only reason you want him back is you feel lost a competition...and thats not a good enough reason to mess with anyone's life, including your H's or your own. 2Sure... that's a powerful quote. I never actually considered that deep down I was looking at it as a competition between my xAP and his wife. I think I was. And he told me hundreds of times how much better matched for him I was than his wife -- it never made sense to me how easily he just went back to his family. We were never going to leave our families for each other (sure we talked about it hypothetically a couple of times but the challenges were far too great). But I think I all along I wanted him to WANT me more than his wife. Stupid, I know. It boils down to feeling rejected, which is ridiculous considering the circumstances.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 actually there really was no competition. we never talked about leaving the other spouse. i knew my place, he knew his. we both understood that there were others who always came first and we were ok with that. but....i did always feel that i mattered, that he cared, that even though not first i was still important in his life. its only now that things have changed and i dont feel that way. and so yes, i feel mislead. i would never have taken the chances that i did had i felt like i was an unimportant player in this game. "he either doesnt respond or responds casually." - i think this is another poster. doesnt relate to us as he always does all of the contacting (except for one phone call from me recently). we've never texted or anything like that. and please also know that this thread has evolved over a number of days. from the first moments that he had d-day to now where "chasing" isnt even a consideration. i do admit it though. he is still the center of my thoughts. not so much as being with him or anything, but just feeling better about this. realizing that youre just another one of those dumb women who falls for a MM is a hard thing to accept.
Fallen Angel Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 realizing that youre just another one of those dumb women who falls for a MM is a hard thing to accept. mybrowneyedgirl, OUCH!
2sure Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I'm really sorry if I confused a detail of your situation with that of another poster. Still, I think we are on the same page with the rest. AND realizing that youre just another one of those dumb women who falls for a MM is a hard thing to accept. Stop feeling stupid and I will to. Realizing that youre just another one of those dumb wives who falls for her H's lies is a hard thing to accept.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 isnt it sort of true though? in the moment you sort of justify your story as somehow different. like "our affair" isnt like the rest. when really its just the same. the ending to this "fairytale" was written before it even started. and im not trying to play the poor pitiful me act. i'm a well-educated, intelligent woman. i SHOULD have known better. i did know better.
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 wow.. long thread.. haven't read it all.. so maybe this has been said. If I were you.. I would let them go..both of them.. and wait.. work on yourself.. 'recover'.. then just let your husband know that you have ended things with your MM and that you are willing to work on your M.. but only if he's ready to forgive you... BUT.. you need to NEVER try to get anywhere close to your MM... EVER... even if he becomes 'single'... your H is not a puppet.. you need to make a choice and stick to it.. Good luck..
Dexter Morgan Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 wow.. long thread.. haven't read it all.. so maybe this has been said. If I were you.. I would let them go..both of them.. and wait.. work on yourself.. 'recover'.. then just let your husband know that you have ended things with your MM and that you are willing to work on your M.. but only if he's ready to forgive you... BUT.. you need to NEVER try to get anywhere close to your MM... EVER... even if he becomes 'single'... your H is not a puppet.. you need to make a choice and stick to it.. Good luck.. for once, I agree with Lizzie. Only let them both go.....and keep it that way...get a divorce. set your husband free from you.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 you said it all. it hurts to know that i ruined it all for a man that picked someone else. As a guy who has been through this... You knew that was going to happen from the start. I know you SAY that your husband is perfect... but seriously, if you had really wanted him... your tears would be over that loss. You need to let your husband go. Never be married to someone you don't love. Chances are that in time you could have your MM back if you wanted. Probably not all of him... and not forever, but you could have him back in time.
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