tell me what you think.

[I Miss the Kiss]

OM's wife - The ONLY person here that is able to make the decision all of you cannot - is the ONLY person without the facts. She is driving the bus, but she is blinded.

 

2Sure,

 

What you have said above is such an important part of these situations that we too often forget. I am a MOW with a semi-x MM, and I feel the same way about his W. He has recently returned yet again to work on his M "100%" (I have his ever-so-cowardly text message that even tells me so!), yet he still reads my emails (which I send because I am still weak) and even responds once in a while. But where is his W? At home, thinking he is once again "100%" commited. I have told him repeatedly that he needs to come clean with her. Usually, every time I tell him that, he eventually does. Then we go very LC for a week or two, then it creeps back. All the while his W thinks he is "all there", when in reality he is about 75% there, or less.

 

In writing this, I am amazed at even myself that I would love someone like this, but then again I have done the same to my H, so I am no better This just sucks any way I look at it right now...

 

Sorry to jack this thread... I'll go away now :/

[mybrowneyedgirl]

no thread-jacking. just informative. thanks for the pov.

 

 

and i'd like to say that i realize that im talking from both sides. its because im confused & torn. thats why i'm here. i also think that with the help of the people here my feelings are evolving. maybe i need this to see what ive been trying to pretend wasnt there.

[2sure]

You know, and I think this applies directly to the question as to what do you do now browneyedgirl...

 

I'm a BS, my H is a serial cheater. Snowed me for years and despite the fact that I know most of the truth - still tries where he can to deceive me. And for what?

 

This is LIFE. This is more than feelings, emotions, romance, and confusion. At least for me it is. I only get one.

 

I have spoken to OW (several), I have spoken to one of their H's. It was with great relief and no hostility. My hostility for anyone involved disappeared as soon as they told me the truth. Because thats all I really need to make decisions. The truth hurts me, it angers me...but still you know, its the only thing that I can move forward with. I cant make decisions based on imagination and suspicion. And I do believe it has brought some relief to my H as well...because at least now we are dealing with reality . I was a shrew when I didnt know what was going on.

 

I am just surprised that at this point, everyone knows about the affair except her. The decision maker.

[I Miss the Kiss]

no thread-jacking. just informative. thanks for the pov.

 

 

and i'd like to say that i realize that im talking from both sides. its because im confused & torn. thats why i'm here. i also think that with the help of the people here my feelings are evolving. maybe i need this to see what ive been trying to pretend wasnt there.

 

Confused and torn probably sums up the feelings of about 99% of us on this board, myself included. Sometimes when I reply to someone else's post I wonder if I am even qualified to do so, considering how completely messed up and destroyed I am. I'm weaker than weak...

[2sure]

Oh please, understand that I KNOW for sure that I'm not qualified!

[NowhereToHide]

Oh please, understand that I KNOW for sure that I'm not qualified!

 

 

Well... you've helped a lot of people on here (including me).

[I Miss the Kiss]

Oh please, understand that I KNOW for sure that I'm not qualified!

 

Well that makes two of us, 2Sure! LOL *high five* I'm about the most unstable person on the planet right now... That reminds me, I need to start a new thread about xMM's latest comment to me! Off to do that now...

[Mr. Lucky]

my husband would be best. our financial situation is certainly better together. im certain that we can live a good life together and that is what is best for our children.

It's ironic that you cheated for love but would offer your H what is basically an arranged marriage of convenience. What about his need to be loved with the same passion that you currently give only to your AP?

 

I'd guess that on some level he understands the deal he's being presented and that's why he immediately bailed after DD. Hard to blame him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Fallen Angel]

You are SO right.

 

i guess he feels the only way to salvage things is if she thinks it was a short fling. but shes smarter than that and *thinks* something is wrong with the story. but im NOT getting in the middle of any of it. ive already done enough damage by having the A.

 

Browneyed,

 

You are right SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL!!!! You have NO CHOICE IN THAT, once you start the affair!

 

My question to you is this... why do you get to hurt (from the loss and then FULL DISCLOSURE), and Your H gets to hurt (from the betrayal and FULL DISCLOSURE), and OMMs wife gets to hurt (from betrayal and partial disclosure), but the OMM gets off with the least hurt, still not having come clean? If his W got FULL DISCLOSURE then perhaps she would make the RIGHT DECISION FOR HERSELF!

 

I am not saying that it is YOUR place to disclose all to MMs W, that IS his job, but I think you need to make sure he does his job. But he souldn't be the one to end up losing the least, and his wife should know all the facts so that she can make life choices with all the information she needs to make the RIGHT choices.

 

Anyway, that is just my opinion, but he seems to be getting off the easiest in this, the innocent parties are getting worse than he is....

[Chrome Barracuda]

Her husband has left her, and all she does is still talk about the OM???

 

Are you kidding me, why would any man want another's sloppy seconds?

 

And the worse thing is that your married but yet you dont think you are, your actions is like listening to this one track mind 16 yr old selfish girl who can oly think of the hot jock, oblivious to the world around her.

 

It's sad.

 

If I was her husband I wouldnt have come back either, why should he? LOL she has so much ego she think she can get him back??? Even after she is still thinking and pining for the OM, are you kidding me? Men can tell and trust we dont want to be number 2 to anyone especially if we married them, you know how hard it is for a man to commit? you know how hard it is for good men out here while yall women act stupid and sleep around?

 

It's like when you get something good you'll find someone will find a way to ruin it.

 

You need to focus on yourself!!! Forget the OM,

 

HE DOESNT WANT YOU!!! If he did he would have come running the minute your husband left, but he isnt respectful and has no self respect either way! Why dont you tell his wife how respectful he was when he layed down with someone else. then let's find out how respectful he is!

 

Stop fooling yourself!

[fooled once]

2sure is so dang smart.

FallenAngel; great post!

NowheretoHide - excellent advice!

 

Those 3 posts really stood out to me.

 

brown,

 

The fact that this MM hasn't disclosed all to his wife speaks VOLUME'S. He had the opportunity to come clean, to let her know it all - the woman who bore his children, the woman he made vows to, the woman who cleans his dirty underwear, the woman who cooks his meals, the woman who takes care of his kids....yet he chose to lie to her. To not tell the truth is to lie. I don't think he lied to shield her, I think he lied to save his own ass.

 

IF he loved you sooo very much like he has convinced you he does, he would have taken D Day as an opportunity to come clean with his wife, tell her the TRUTH (the WHOLE truth) and end the marriage.

 

But he didn't do that.

 

What does that tell you? If I were in your shoes, it would tell me that he doesn't love me as much as he loves his wife. It would tell me he doesn't love me as much as he proclaims he did.

 

As for your marriage -- can you blame your H for bailing? Don't expect him to come back to a woman who can't FULLY commit to him. Does he know you still speak to the MM? Has your H left your home?

 

I find it hard to believe you love them both -- equally. I think you love the MM more and will 'settle' for your H if you convinced him to take you back. I think you just want one of them -- preferably the MM, but if you can't have him, you will take your H.

 

Focus on YOU. Focus on healing YOU. Focus on being alone and figuring out what you want for your LIFE. Don't let some man be the focus of your life.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

its clear to me what i need to do. everyone is right. he doesnt love me like i deserve and ive obviously ruined something that was precious to me. im still just so confused as to how i got so wrapped up in another man and let it go this far.

 

im only a week into this, so i guess its normal to hurt right? i mean 2.5 years of a very involved relationship. right or wrong i still had the feelings and so im grieving. i hope with time i can let him go.

[NowhereToHide]

its clear to me what i need to do. everyone is right. he doesnt love me like i deserve and ive obviously ruined something that was precious to me. im still just so confused as to how i got so wrapped up in another man and let it go this far.

 

im only a week into this, so i guess its normal to hurt right? i mean 2.5 years of a very involved relationship. right or wrong i still had the feelings and so im grieving. i hope with time i can let him go.

 

 

Only a week into it? Um, yeah! It's quite normal to be hurting. And it's quite normal to be grieving for some time.

 

This stuff is so hard. Hang in there. And I hope that you can revive your marriage if that's what you want. Good luck.

[Devil Inside]

its clear to me what i need to do. everyone is right. he doesnt love me like i deserve and ive obviously ruined something that was precious to me. im still just so confused as to how i got so wrapped up in another man and let it go this far.

 

im only a week into this, so i guess its normal to hurt right? i mean 2.5 years of a very involved relationship. right or wrong i still had the feelings and so im grieving. i hope with time i can let him go.

 

You're doing fine. I have ten weeks NC and I still grieve. It hurts way less, but sometimes, like tonight, it sneaks up on you.

 

I think it was those freaking songs in your other thread! Well...it is me. My therapist told me to expect getting triggered. To expect it to come in little waves. I guess that is what this is.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

DI - heres hoping these waves will pass quickly, for everyone in this sort of situation.

[Devil Inside]

DI - heres hoping these waves will pass quickly, for everyone in this sort of situation.

 

I hear you.

 

Actually...I already feel a little bit better. Reading other people's posts always grounds me a little.

 

You'll see...the heart wants what the heart wants...doesn't make it right...but it is the reality of the situation.

 

Most of the time you know that you are doing the right thing staying away. That the relationship and person you grieve really don't even exist..not entirely. Just hard to let go of a dream.

 

Hang in there. Thanks for the encouragement...I needed it tonight.

[NowhereToHide]

You're doing fine. I have ten weeks NC and I still grieve. It hurts way less, but sometimes, like tonight, it sneaks up on you.

 

I think it was those freaking songs in your other thread! Well...it is me. My therapist told me to expect getting triggered. To expect it to come in little waves. I guess that is what this is.

 

 

I don't know what you people were doing posting all those songs today. It was killing me! Especially Storm from Lighthouse. Gets me every time.

 

Hang in there, DI.

[jwi71]

I'm going to suggest to you that if you want to save your M you start NOW.

Because every tear you shed for the MM pushes your H further away. Every delay makes in that much harder.

 

Where do you stand on your M? Has your H filed for D yet? HAve you been in contact with him? His friends or family?

[Vlad]

This sounds like the prattle of a teenager. What exactly did you fall into? What tripped you up? How does planned lies, excuses and omissions "just happen"? They were thought out, arranged and tended to. You made conscious choices and you hurt many in the process. You say his wife is a mess, but you are considering going after her H.

 

You say he is a great man, what's your definition of a wonderful man? The one you had or the one you are fooled around with? Is integrity not part of the definition of a great man? What about honest, respect and dignity? Are these not the qualities of a wonderful man? What are your standards? The only difference you used to describe the 2 men was the MM being a wonderful lover. Sounds kind of petty. If his penis falls off, would they then be equal?

 

The others have given you wonderful advice about finding out what you want and what it is you expect from yourself and others. It is an excellent opportunity for you to overcome the mess that you have helped create and seek some understanding.

wow, nicely put, she ask not to bash but you picked the perfect words into this. nice.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

H hasnt filed yet. not sure what that means. we had a good day yesterday and an ok day today. i guess im just taking baby steps.

 

as for MM, im not sure what im feeling. its hard to have a very big part of your life just suddenly disappear. now im questioning it all, wondering if i was a fool the whole time. maybe its him im missing, maybe im guilty for ruining my marriage for him, maybe im jealous that he cares so much for her feelings but justifies my tears as meaningless and says hes only doing what he HAS to do.

 

and missing my simple, happy life before the A. back then i had time to enjoy the little things, now i spend my days and nights crying.

[NowhereToHide]

H hasnt filed yet. not sure what that means. we had a good day yesterday and an ok day today. i guess im just taking baby steps.

 

as for MM, im not sure what im feeling. its hard to have a very big part of your life just suddenly disappear. now im questioning it all, wondering if i was a fool the whole time. maybe its him im missing, maybe im guilty for ruining my marriage for him, maybe im jealous that he cares so much for her feelings but justifies my tears as meaningless and says hes only doing what he HAS to do.

 

and missing my simple, happy life before the A. back then i had time to enjoy the little things, now i spend my days and nights crying.

 

 

Keep reading the advice you've been given. And realize that it's normal for you to be sad over the ending of your A.

 

PLEASE get yourself into IC and you and your husband into MC. It will help you more than you know.

 

Also, please realize that much of what you're feeling is addiction to your MM. How he made you feel was like a drug. So you need to treat it like an addiction. And trust me when I tell you... when you come off of the drug, you will have better perspective on all of this. And you will realize how close you came to losing so much.

[fooled once]

So did your husband move out?

 

As with many OW situations, many OW do just 'waste' months/years of lives waiting for something that never happens. Rarely does the MM leave.

 

Most of the time, he picks his wife. His wife and his family. Because you can be a single dad - you never stop being a dad just because you get divorced. Heck, in many cases, because Dad gets 'dedicated' weekends, he actually sees his kids MORE. what I mean is, dad works hard during the week, gets home maybe in time for dinner, maybe in time for bed/bath.

 

When he has his parenting time 'assigned' to him, he then really DOES get 1-1 time with his kids. No wife to hand the responsibilities over to.

 

IMHO.....

It sucks. It truly sucks to know that you weren't the one he loved enough to be with. It is heart wrenching, depressing, incredibly sad and lonely.

 

But you come out of it. Remember that saying - no pain, no gain? In many ways, that is so true. The hurt and the sadness can be so overwhelming at times, but eventually, you do come back to life. Many times, many OW are changed people when they come back out the other side.

 

I am not advocating for women to have affairs; because that pain is not something I would wish on anyone; even people I despise (like my H's ex ) .

 

But we do go on, in many cases we do find love again, a love that is more deep than what we had previously experienced, more powerful, more heartfelt. Just like when we were young and had our first heart break; and we never thought we would find love again. And guess what, we do.

 

Brown, the crying will lessen in time. You will survive and you will begin to heal. Search your soul and allow your heart time to heal.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

you said it all. it hurts to know that i ruined it all for a man that picked someone else.

[Devil Inside]

you said it all. it hurts to know that i ruined it all for a man that picked someone else.

 

Thing is...as bad as things are now...they are not all ruined.

 

You can make the choice...today...to not allow the A to infect and fester into every part of your life. You have a second chance with yourself to make things different.

 

Be gentle with yourself. It is going to take patience.

[GypsyRayne]

I have told you in another of your threads what happened to me. While my situation ended differently than most, it did happen and it could happen to you. Please leave either one or both of them alone, preferablly MM. It seems he has chosen his W and his M. I know it hurts, I know it gives you hope that he can't seem to break away from you, but you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a good life and not to spend it waiting around, just in case MM does leave his W, or as you said she leaves him, when she finally figures out that he is not honest with her, that still he lies, he talks to you, he can't let you go completely.

 

I will tell you that my MM's wife did just that. She did leave him. He told me for many months that he was waiting for her to leave. He had a lot of pressure from his family to stay with her and their child. His dad even told him once that it was ok to have me, to love me, but to stay with W. How screwed up is that?

 

Even if you do end up with MM, it won't be all great and easy. You will always be the one blamed for breaking up his M. Doesn't matter that it was him that went after you, chased you, persued you. It will be your fault to his family. You will always be the OW.

Edited October 10, 2009 by GypsyRayne