tell me what you think.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Please dont be harsh. I know what I was/am doing is wrong. Just need some thoughts.

 

Ok. I'm married, hes married..both with kids and we've been in the A for 2.5 years. We both had d-days in the last month. My H has left me, says its over, doesnt want to try. His W is a mess, but I get the impression they'll work it out. We've never discussed leaving our spouses but for some reason I've always had those dreams.

 

We've been NC for a few days now due to limitations on connecting, not sure where we stand but I think his choice will be to try to reconcile his marriage by ending the affair.

 

I'm heartbroken. I love my H but dont know where to even start to get him back and honestly not sure I can work on things while I'm so sad about losing my MM.

 

Where do I go from here? Chase after the MM, let him go? And what about my H? should i really try to get him back when i'm not sure if i can give it my all while grieving my A?

 

Thanks for the help.

[Devil Inside]

Well I would say that since you have the time and space to think about...figure out, without having contact with either man...what YOU want.

 

There are three options here. MM, H, or neither.

 

Do you have an idea of what you want right now?

[NowhereToHide]

Please dont be harsh. I know what I was/am doing is wrong. Just need some thoughts.

 

Ok. I'm married, hes married..both with kids and we've been in the A for 2.5 years. We both had d-days in the last month. My H has left me, says its over, doesnt want to try. His W is a mess, but I get the impression they'll work it out. We've never discussed leaving our spouses but for some reason I've always had those dreams.

 

We've been NC for a few days now due to limitations on connecting, not sure where we stand but I think his choice will be to try to reconcile his marriage by ending the affair.

 

I'm heartbroken. I love my H but dont know where to even start to get him back and honestly not sure I can work on things while I'm so sad about losing my MM.

 

Where do I go from here? Chase after the MM, let him go? And what about my H? should i really try to get him back when i'm not sure if i can give it my all while grieving my A?

 

Thanks for the help.

 

 

 

Well, the first thing you need to realize is that you can't have them both. You EITHER decide to try and get your husband back (and risk that he won't take you) or try to get your MM back (and risk that he won't take you).

 

You can't fence sit on this one. You need to do some soul searching.

 

Your husband can't be your fallback JUST IN CASE your MM doesn't leave his W. If you want H back, then you need to put it all out there... beg for forgiveness, go to IC to work on yourself, suggest MC for the two of you, give him complete transparency, go NC with your MM... basically do anything he asks from you.

 

Same goes for the MM..... you can't go after that just in case your H won't take you back. If he's the one you want, then put it out to him... tell him that you want a life with him.

 

You stand to lose on either front, but you might just win. But you will definitely lose if you think you can hedge your bets with both.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. You are not in an easy situation. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Athena]

What do I think? I think you should end it with both of them -- clearly your H wants nothing more to do with the M, and your MM needs to recommit to his M.

 

You can now start off by having a good look at yourself, and sorting yourself out before getting involved with anyone else. Now's a good time to take a break from men...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

DI - thanks for responding. First let me say I've been "lurking" for a little while now and your posts are always the first I read. I understand the pain in your words. Could have written them myself. I feel for you, and I'm gracious that you offer such profound advice to so many people on this board.

 

Honestly. I love my husband. Hes a wonderful man and father. I would have been happy with him forever and never had a second thought had I not fallen for my MM. does that make sense? not sure why i strayed, i fell into it, it just happened, and i fell madly in love.

 

My married man is also wonderful. Great guy, father, lover. I have all the respect in the world for him. (please no flames for saying these things...i realize we're both cheaters) If he were an option I would gladly pick him and give my husband the freedom to find someone to love him like he deserves. But I dont think (especially after reading the boards) that MM will ever be an available unless his wife leaves.

 

So knowing how i feel inside is it fair for me to try to get my husband back? Or is it ok to try and stay somewhere in the middle and see where the pieces land?

[Devil Inside]

DI - thanks for responding. First let me say I've been "lurking" for a little while now and your posts are always the first I read. I understand the pain in your words. Could have written them myself. I feel for you, and I'm gracious that you offer such profound advice to so many people on this board.

 

Honestly. I love my husband. Hes a wonderful man and father. I would have been happy with him forever and never had a second thought had I not fallen for my MM. does that make sense? not sure why i strayed, i fell into it, it just happened, and i fell madly in love.

 

My married man is also wonderful. Great guy, father, lover. I have all the respect in the world for him. (please no flames for saying these things...i realize we're both cheaters) If he were an option I would gladly pick him and give my husband the freedom to find someone to love him like he deserves. But I dont think (especially after reading the boards) that MM will ever be an available unless his wife leaves.

 

So knowing how i feel inside is it fair for me to try to get my husband back? Or is it ok to try and stay somewhere in the middle and see where the pieces land?

 

I'm glad you have benefited from my words. I think that most of us here share the pain that As bring.

 

It would seem that you would pick MM if he was available. Knowing this....trying to reconcile with your H may be hard, because he is really your second choice.

 

I can tell you...I am in a simialr position in some respects. My xOW ended it...so she is not an option. I love my W, but in many ways she is second in my heart. She knows this, however, and so it is her choice to stay with me while I work on giving my heart back to her.

 

Would your husband be able to stand by you as you sorted out your emotions? If not...I wouldn't lie to him...he would sense it eventually.

 

Maybe being alone for a little would be helpful right now. Get a good therapist and start working through the web of your emotions.

 

Take care. Keep posting. We are here for support.

[tami-chan]

So knowing how i feel inside is it fair for me to try to get my husband back? Or is it ok to try and stay somewhere in the middle and see where the pieces land?

 

No, of course it is not fair to try and get your husband back, considering how you feel about MM. Anyhow, do you think you can "get" him back? Let him go...unless he wants to work things out with you and you are willing to re-commit yourself to him.

 

Stay in the middle? but you have been doing that, no? and this is the result...so time to pick a side..pick YOU-why? well, you said your husband does not want to have anything with you and the MM wants to work on his marriage...there's your answer.

 

Heal..work on yourself....be kind to yourself..

[bentnotbroken]

DI - thanks for responding. First let me say I've been "lurking" for a little while now and your posts are always the first I read. I understand the pain in your words. Could have written them myself. I feel for you, and I'm gracious that you offer such profound advice to so many people on this board.

 

Honestly. I love my husband. Hes a wonderful man and father. I would have been happy with him forever and never had a second thought had I not fallen for my MM. does that make sense? not sure why i strayed, i fell into it, it just happened, and i fell madly in love.

 

My married man is also wonderful. Great guy, father, lover. I have all the respect in the world for him. (please no flames for saying these things...i realize we're both cheaters) If he were an option I would gladly pick him and give my husband the freedom to find someone to love him like he deserves. But I dont think (especially after reading the boards) that MM will ever be an available unless his wife leaves.

 

So knowing how i feel inside is it fair for me to try to get my husband back? Or is it ok to try and stay somewhere in the middle and see where the pieces land?

 

 

This sounds like the prattle of a teenager. What exactly did you fall into? What tripped you up? How does planned lies, excuses and omissions "just happen"? They were thought out, arranged and tended to. You made conscious choices and you hurt many in the process. You say his wife is a mess, but you are considering going after her H.

 

You say he is a great man, what's your definition of a wonderful man? The one you had or the one you are fooled around with? Is integrity not part of the definition of a great man? What about honest, respect and dignity? Are these not the qualities of a wonderful man? What are your standards? The only difference you used to describe the 2 men was the MM being a wonderful lover. Sounds kind of petty. If his penis falls off, would they then be equal?

 

The others have given you wonderful advice about finding out what you want and what it is you expect from yourself and others. It is an excellent opportunity for you to overcome the mess that you have helped create and seek some understanding.

[Mr. Lucky]

And what about my H? should i really try to get him back when i'm not sure if i can give it my all while grieving my A?

 

Thanks for the help.

Browneyed, having already cheated on your "wonderful" Husband, would you really be so callous as to lure him back into a relationship that you admit you can't commit to? That seems like adding insult to injury .

 

I think you have to accept that you and your AP have started a chain of events that simply need to play out. It's useless to ask what "you" should do as many of the decisions to be made are in the hands of others. In the meantime, be a good Mom, be civil and fair to your STBX Husband and give others the space to do what they need to do. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I guess what I was meaning was that my husband is truly perfect. No complaints. I wouldnt ask for anything more. The A started by a stupid mistake. When we sat and talked about remorse for what we had done we became friends and then it continued. We were unable / unwilling to break it off because when the connection started it just took off and went from there. I dont have the poor pitiful me sob story of a crappy loveless marriage.

 

So with that being said my husband probably would work on things if I forced the issue. But as I stand now I'm afraid because I am still very in love with the MM and I dont know that I could clear those thoughts from my head. And everyone is right, I cannot have them both but right now I love them both. As hard as I try I cant turn the feelings off.

 

The NC with the MM is scary to me. Im devestated, crushed. Cant eat or sleep. Its a pain that I've never felt before in my life and to me that is a big red flag. Maybe he is the one I am supposed to be with. Would I really feel this way if he wasnt?

[jwi71]

The NC with the MM is scary to me. Im devestated, crushed. Cant eat or sleep. Its a pain that I've never felt before in my life and to me that is a big red flag. Maybe he is the one I am supposed to be with. Would I really feel this way if he wasnt?

 

Sadly, you have only just begun a long painful road through hell. I'm not judging you, just prepping you for the next few years of your life. It WILL be hell.

 

The good news...it DOES end. You WILL be happy again. Your kids will be ok. You WILL be ok.

 

For advice. Go to IC and NOW. Then, tell your friends and family the truth. You WILL need their support in the coming months and years...and yes, it means the whole truth. Because lying will only serve to distance the ones you need the most.

 

I can't begin to tell you which man to pick. I CAN tell you the more you delay...the farther your H gets and the more difficult reconciliation becomes.

 

I'd also go see a lawyer. You NEED competent legal advice. I'm NOT saying file for D or anything...but YOU need an advocate on YOUR side. Obviously, tell the whole truth to counsel.

 

Good luck...always remember...it WILL end...happiness will be yours again.

[Devil Inside]

The NC with the MM is scary to me. Im devestated, crushed. Cant eat or sleep. Its a pain that I've never felt before in my life and to me that is a big red flag. Maybe he is the one I am supposed to be with. Would I really feel this way if he wasnt?

 

I would be careful with the above statement.

 

Just because it hurts when they are gone, doesn't mean they are the right one. Withdrawal from someone you have an unhealthy attachment to hurts in a very intense way...because it signifies more than the loss of the person. It signifies the loss of whatever your unconscious attached to the person. For many it is tied to childhood abandonment issues. I know for me, my xOW was for my inner child the mother I always wanted.

 

I'm not saying that this is the case for you. However, it is something to think about.

 

I would say that if you sit down and make a list of all the reasons to be with either one. You would be closer to the answer of who you should be with. Let me say it again...being by yourself is also a choice.

 

Good luck...this stuff is all gut wrenching...but it will get better...as you make decisions and take actions...it will get better.

[2sure]

Browneyedgirl...

 

It sounds as though you are grappling with a decision between trying to get 2 different men back into your life, assuming you can.

 

If the decision is really on the table, then what are the other factors other than your feelings (which of course are important) ? Other factors of your life have to be included for you to decide one way or the other - do you have children that live with you?

[2sure]

Ah, I see there are children involved on both sides. Has the affair been brought out completely to both spouses on the D-Days?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im not sure that i can get either.

 

my husband would be best. our financial situation is certainly better together. im certain that we can live a good life together and that is what is best for our children.

 

my struggle is that now that the feelings are there for the AP im not sure that i wouldnt spend forever longing for him. i cant stop missing him and so i dont know if i could ever give my all to someone if the feelings for the AP dont stop.

 

as far as AP goes i talked to him this morning. its clear in my head that theres no chance there but my heart feels differently. hes obviously wanting his wife and family as most MM do. but still, inside me theres that hope. not to be his wife but to not lose him. i guess im not ready to admit that hes not an option. because if she leaves him then im clearly the one he would run to.

 

so this man that i hold so dear in my heart is essentially saying i come second. that i dont matter and that SHE is his number one.

 

but i cant get passed the hurt and the longing.

[2sure]

Well, its a fact that both of you would prefer to stay in your marriages if at all possible, for the kids, for financial reasons, because your spouses are not to blame, etc. For you, you feel that it is not fair to your marriage (your H and yourself) to stay but have your heart elsewhere.

 

And your MM right now is doing all he can to save his marriage for the same reasons you are. Its possible that he also has the same concern regarding his feelings for you but is trying to put the affair aside so his marriage can work. It doesnt mean you come in second, it doesnt mean he has chosen his wife OVER you...what it really means is that, all factors involved - this is the direction he wants to go in. Its a whole life, not a competition.

 

As to will his wife make the decision neither of you seem able to? Maybe.

But not unless she knows all the facts, like that the two of you are still talking, that you are in love with him and he with you. Even the details and the length of the affair may be hidden from her. Very often , it IS the BS who must make the final decisions as to what happens after an affair...but they dont have the facts to decide with. Does she? Does your H?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

yes. children on both sides.

 

both spouses know. i came clean and told all. he gave a limited version that told of only two encounters, shes struggling to believe that it wasnt more than that.

[2sure]

If the affair lasted for 2.5 years , yet he has convinced his wife there were only 2 encounters...he KNOWS she will leave if she knew the truth.

As it is, there is no chance she will leave.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm heartbroken. I love my H

 

no....you don't.

 

 

but dont know where to even start to get him back and honestly not sure I can work on things while I'm so sad about losing my MM.

 

If you think you will always pine for MM, then you need to divorce your husband.

 

 

Where do I go from here? Chase after the MM, let him go?

 

Ok, on one side of your mouth you are talking about loving your husband and don't know where to start to get him back...then on the other side asking if you should chase the MM???

 

Yes, chase the MM after you divorce your husband.

 

 

And what about my H? should i really try to get him back when i'm not sure if i can give it my all while grieving my A?

 

 

No. you are even asking, and thinking, about chasing the MM. Therefore there is no getting the marriage back.

 

Just get a divorce and set him free from you. then with any luck, the MM's family can be torn apart as well, his wife could divorce him, then you and MM can be together.

 

So first and foremost, get a divorce. Your husband deserves better.

[Dexter Morgan]

yes. children on both sides.

 

both spouses know. i came clean and told all.

 

 

So why don't you also tell your H that you are thinking of chasing the MM and trying to keep him?

 

Do that and get back with us as to what your H says about that.

[NowhereToHide]

I guess what I was meaning was that my husband is truly perfect. No complaints. I wouldnt ask for anything more. The A started by a stupid mistake. When we sat and talked about remorse for what we had done we became friends and then it continued. We were unable / unwilling to break it off because when the connection started it just took off and went from there. I dont have the poor pitiful me sob story of a crappy loveless marriage.

 

So with that being said my husband probably would work on things if I forced the issue. But as I stand now I'm afraid because I am still very in love with the MM and I dont know that I could clear those thoughts from my head. And everyone is right, I cannot have them both but right now I love them both. As hard as I try I cant turn the feelings off.

 

The NC with the MM is scary to me. Im devestated, crushed. Cant eat or sleep. Its a pain that I've never felt before in my life and to me that is a big red flag. Maybe he is the one I am supposed to be with. Would I really feel this way if he wasnt?

 

 

BrownEyed.... I had a very similar situation to yours. I am married and had an A with a MM. It was intense, exciting and amazing. At one point I couldn't imagine that I could live a life where my AP wasn't a part of it. At the time I felt as though he "completed me" in a way that my H couldn't.

 

When my A ended (mutually, though mostly due to his resolve to save his family) I was devastated. I lost 30 lbs., couldn't sleep, couldn't get out of bed, was put on antidepressants... the whole nine yards. I now call it my "breakdown". It was the darkest time of my life.

 

That was six months ago. And I can tell you with 100% conviction that what you are feeling is ADDICTION to your AP. All of the hopelessness, sadness, etc. is due to this unhealthy attachment as DI referenced. Your AP is like a drug to you. And you need a detox program. And like coming down from any drug or addiction, detox sucks -- it is painful and you'll feel like you want to die somedays. And detox starts with no contact (I waited to long and it was a huge mistake). And get yourself into therapy tomorrow. You need it. It will save you.

 

The difference between you and I is that my husband doesn't know about my A. And I, too, have a husband who is pretty wonderful. And I am grateful that, through therapy, I was able to understand the reasons behind what I did and that my life with my AP wouldn't have been so wonderful (due to many reasons). More than anything, I'm grateful that I didn't make a huge mistake in leaving my husband for an "addiction".

 

Everyone's situation is different. But if you think that a life with your husband is the right choice (and that he would take you back), then do it. But you need to be willing to let go of your AP (I know it's hard, trust me). And it WILL take time. And, while I wouldn't have believed it 6 months ago myself, you will probably come to the conclusion that you really weren't in love with your AP (or at least not AS in love with him as you originally thought).

[bentnotbroken]

im not sure that i can get either.

 

my husband would be best. our financial situation is certainly better together. im certain that we can live a good life together and that is what is best for our children.

 

my struggle is that now that the feelings are there for the AP im not sure that i wouldnt spend forever longing for him. i cant stop missing him and so i dont know if i could ever give my all to someone if the feelings for the AP dont stop.

 

as far as AP goes i talked to him this morning. its clear in my head that theres no chance there but my heart feels differently. hes obviously wanting his wife and family as most MM do. but still, inside me theres that hope. not to be his wife but to not lose him. i guess im not ready to admit that hes not an option. because if she leaves him then im clearly the one he would run to.

 

so this man that i hold so dear in my heart is essentially saying i come second. that i dont matter and that SHE is his number one.

 

but i cant get passed the hurt and the longing.

 

1) You are still talking with MM, so there is no need to try to reconcile with your H. You have made a choice whether you realize it or not. Simply by remaining in contact and considering taking other MM if his wife were to leave, speaks of where your heart is and what your ultimate intent is. You don't love your H, you love the familiarity and security. The most humane thing you could do is let your H go and let him start the healing process, because if he stays with you, you are going to put him through even more pain and trauma as you pine away for MM and the fantasy you have created in your head. By the way, until you have washed the skid marks out of MM's tighty whites, you have no idea if you love him or not. You just "lust" him now.

 

2)You only HOPE that if his wife leaves he will run to you. What if he starts to blame and resent you? I would bet money, he will be running everywhere, like a chicken with his head cut off, but not to you. You might be second, but you have no way of knowing that. My thought is you are third or lower. He is first(selfish prick), his wife and family are second and you can only come in as high as third. Depending on the other things he values(financies, friends, reputation, extended family, secon ow),you could be even lower on the list

 

3) "You can't" translation, I don't want to. I like these feelings I have for him, even the pain it causes because it keeps me focused on him, on us. We are still the center of my world and I want it to stay that way. It smacks of convience. When you first started the A, I am sure you told yourself, " I can't do this, I'm married. He's married" Yet somewhere in your thinking you made it okay to do just that, cheat on your family and his. At some point you probably said to him, "I can't met you or talk with you today, I don't see how" yet you found a way. You came up with a good excuse and you willingly feed that lie to someone. So the " I can't" is a crutch you are more than willing to use.

 

If you had made up in your heart and head that what you did was wrong and you regret hurting so many and wants make amends as best you can, then you would be doing exactly that instead of giving all the reasons that MM is important for you to consider entering a relationship with him. Don't lie to yourself too.

[NowhereToHide]

1) You are still talking with MM, so there is no need to try to reconcile with your H. You have made a choice whether you realize it or not. Simply by remaining in contact and considering taking other MM if his wife were to leave, speaks of where your heart is and what your ultimate intent is. You don't love your H, you love the familiarity and security. The most humane thing you could do is let your H go and let him start the healing process, because if he stays with you, you are going to put him through even more pain and trauma as you pine away for MM and the fantasy you have created in your head. By the way, until you have washed the skid marks out of MM's tighty whites, you have no idea if you love him or not. You just "lust" him now.

 

2)You only HOPE that if his wife leaves he will run to you. What if he starts to blame and resent you? I would bet money, he will be running everywhere, like a chicken with his head cut off, but not to you. You might be second, but you have no way of knowing that. My thought is you are third or lower. He is first(selfish prick), his wife and family are second and you can only come in as high as third. Depending on the other things he values(financies, friends, reputation, extended family, secon ow),you could be even lower on the list

 

3) "You can't" translation, I don't want to. I like these feelings I have for him, even the pain it causes because it keeps me focused on him, on us. We are still the center of my world and I want it to stay that way. It smacks of convience. When you first started the A, I am sure you told yourself, " I can't do this, I'm married. He's married" Yet somewhere in your thinking you made it okay to do just that, cheat on your family and his. At some point you probably said to him, "I can't met you or talk with you today, I don't see how" yet you found a way. You came up with a good excuse and you willingly feed that lie to someone. So the " I can't" is a crutch you are more than willing to use.

 

If you had made up in your heart and head that what you did was wrong and you regret hurting so many and wants make amends as best you can, then you would be doing exactly that instead of giving all the reasons that MM is important for you to consider entering a relationship with him. Don't lie to yourself too.

 

 

Wow, Bent. I know your words were meant to the OP, but they are powerful stuff for all of us. I am going to save this posting. Thank you.

[2sure]

I cannot help but note the following:

 

You know all about your marriage, you know all about your affair. You have every detail and you have come clean. You are not sure yet what you want.

 

Your husband knows all about the affair, yet may be willing to tale you back - depending.

 

OM - knows all about his marriage and obviously all about the affair and is saying he wants the marriage but not willing to let you go completely.

 

OM's wife - The ONLY person here that is able to make the decision all of you cannot - is the ONLY person without the facts. She is driving the bus, but she is blinded.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

You are SO right.

 

i told the truth because i feel theres no way to start over without coming clean.

 

i guess he feels the only way to salvage things is if she thinks it was a short fling. but shes smarter than that and *thinks* something is wrong with the story. but im NOT getting in the middle of any of it. ive already done enough damage by having the A.