billj Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Last weekend, I met a great girl. She seems perfect for me; though as we all know, it's probably at least a little too good to be true since we all have flaws. Fortunately, she really liked me, too, and we've gone on 2 dates in the last 4 days (we are on a fall break now, so we had to squeeze them in right away). Anyhow, that's all going fantastic. (Also--I've never really had a girlfriend and am a senior in college, but I am pretty good at talking to girls, and some of my best friends are girls). This girl is really special. And already most of my friends are declaring us a couple (even though we are not to that stage yet). She's also pretty conservative. We've only kissed a couple times (first day we met, a little buzzed), after that, it's been only hugs, which I am just fine with. A couple weeks ago (2 weeks and a day before I met this girl), I very, very drunkenly hooked up (i.e. oral) with one of my girl friends--not one of my closest, but a good one nonetheless--who I am NOT at all attracted to. It was the only sexual act I've ever engaged in. After, she was a little embarrassed and told me not to tell anyone. Then a week later, she sent me a message asking if I wanted to "hang out". I was sick and told her so, then said that I'd try to set up a time to talk later that week. I had found out that she apparently has been really into me for a really long time and I wanted to tell her that I see her as only a friend (awkward). That never happened though--I was really busy--so now I don't know what she's thinking. But I'm scared that she's going to confront me and my new hopefully-soon-to-be-girlfriend will see me as some kind of really bad guy. What should I do?
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Tell the girl you had sex with the truth. That you like her as a friend and probably the two of you shouldn't have had sex together, because you value the friendship more. If she gets mad, her problem. Meanwhile with the first girl, don't say anything. The two of you weren't exclusive anyway, and pray she doesn't find out. Stop drinking so much if you can't control the liquor.
ashleigh422 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Are the new girl and the oral lady friends? If not... Id say forget it. Tell the oral woman that you didn't do it becuase you liked her.. you did it becuase you were in the mood and she was too.. purely sexual... If they are friends.. you gotta come clean wth the new girll.. she deserves to find out from you rather than someone else..
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 If they are friends.. you gotta come clean wth the new girll.. she deserves to find out from you rather than someone else.. If they are friends. If they're not friends and the relationship with the first girl hasn't started yet, I don't see an upside in brining up something irrelevant.
ashleigh422 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 YEAH.. I agree.. IF they are friends.. Def. do not ruin a possible good R by admitting a stupid drunk mistake.. RIGHT... no comittment yet.. soooo.. let it be a sitting duck until further notice... lol
Author billj Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 They don't know each other. And I hadn't even met this new girl yet. And believe me, I've cut back a bit. That night was the drunkest I'd ever been, and, frankly speaking, I never even considered the possibility that something like that would happen, since I have a pretty strong grip over my sex drive normally, and since it had been years since I had even made out with a girl... So...You are suggesting that I meet the first girl and tell her that I only see her only as a friend. Also--this is something that I have to "pray" my new girl doesn't find out about? I wasn't sure since we didn't even know each other yet...
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 They don't know each other. And I hadn't even met this new girl yet. And believe me, I've cut back a bit. That night was the drunkest I'd ever been, and, frankly speaking, I never even considered the possibility that something like that would happen, since I have a pretty strong grip over my sex drive normally, and since it had been years since I had even made out with a girl... So...You are suggesting that I meet the first girl and tell her that I only see her only as a friend. Also--this is something that I have to "pray" my new girl doesn't find out about? I wasn't sure since we didn't even know each other yet... Yes, tell your friend that you just want to be friends. Just do it nicely. Then move on and be nice to the new girl.
Author billj Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 not to beat a dead horse here, but should I schedule a meeting (for lack of a better way of putting it) with "oral girl" and just tell her what I think...or should I just wait until we see each other. Both could be awkward. I don't want to see her when I'm at the bar with new girl, but I don't really just want to call her up (we NEVER really call each other, just run into each other) just to ask her to meet me so that I can say something that will probably hurt her a lot. What I would probably say is something like: "Hey _______, can we talk about what happened a few weeks ago? I'm really sorry, but as hard as I've tried, I can only see you as a friend. I don't know what you think of me, but I'm really sorry if you feel otherwise. I completely understand if you don't want to ever see or talk to me again, and I'm really sorry again... "
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Yeah that message is fine. I would schedule a meeting asap so you don't lead the girl on, and she's not wondering what's happening for longer than needs be.
Author billj Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you a lot, Hkizzle. Final question, if I handle the situation like this, is anything likely to happen to my newly forming relationship? Honestly, I wasn't so worried about what happened until I found this new girl, and now, for lack of a better way of putting it, I feel like some sort of man-whore/a**hole who this new girl should hate, whenever I think of what happened with the other girl.
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you a lot, Hkizzle. Final question, if I handle the situation like this, is anything likely to happen to my newly forming relationship? Honestly, I wasn't so worried about what happened until I found this new girl, and now, for lack of a better way of putting it, I feel like some sort of man-whore/a**hole who this new girl should hate, whenever I think of what happened with the other girl. Nothings is for certain in life. I'd rather be on the beach sipping a cold beer, surrounding by hot girls wearing bikinis. Unforunately I'm just trading stocks, and giving relationship advice. Don't worry too much. I've been a man-whore/******* most of my life and I can still find love.
Author billj Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Hi again, Sorry to keep bringing this up. I'm just so scared of screwing this up. I talked to my best friend (who also knows "oral girl") and told him that I was going to call her, meet with her, then tell her that I saw her only as a friend. He said that he thought that that was definitely the WRONG move. He said that if I see her out, just tell her that I found the perfect girl for myself and then wish her well finding someone great for herself. He also said that he thought that she should have kinda figured out my feelings, since I hadn't done anything with her, despite her hitting on me millions of times before that night. Thoughts? When I tell the new girl about it (hopefully in a very long time) is this the type of thing that most girls would judge a guy very negatively for? Most of my guy friends thought that it wasn't a big deal at all, but I get REALLY depressed whenever I think about it/disgusted with myself/etc. I don't get it.
JohnP82 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hi again, Sorry to keep bringing this up. I'm just so scared of screwing this up. I talked to my best friend (who also knows "oral girl") and told him that I was going to call her, meet with her, then tell her that I saw her only as a friend. He said that he thought that that was definitely the WRONG move. He said that if I see her out, just tell her that I found the perfect girl for myself and then wish her well finding someone great for herself. He also said that he thought that she should have kinda figured out my feelings, since I hadn't done anything with her, despite her hitting on me millions of times before that night. Thoughts? Well I think your friend is right in that she probably should have gotten the hint. However, if this girl is actually your friend I don't see anything wrong with actually telling her to her face that you really only see her as a friend. When I tell the new girl about it (hopefully in a very long time) is this the type of thing that most girls would judge a guy very negatively for? Most of my guy friends thought that it wasn't a big deal at all, but I get REALLY depressed whenever I think about it/disgusted with myself/etc. I don't get it. I think most people would be a little put off when told that the person that they were dating, regardless of being exclusive, was fooling around with someone else. I know I would be if she came to me and said, "Hey I really like you but I blew this guy after a party Saturday. I hope this doesn't change anything."
Author billj Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 I think most people would be a little put off when told that the person that they were dating, regardless of being exclusive, was fooling around with someone else. I know I would be if she came to me and said, "Hey I really like you but I blew this guy after a party Saturday. I hope this doesn't change anything." I think I wasn't really very clear about this. The oral sex came more than two weeks BEFORE I MET the new girl. If I had known anything about this new girl then, there's NO WAY I would have done anything. Heck, I won't even masturbate now that I've met this girl--even though we are still technically nothing--because I don't want to accidentally cheat on her in my thoughts. Thanks.
JohnP82 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Ahh, OK. Admittedly I skimmed your original post.
boogieboy Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 I think I wasn't really very clear about this. The oral sex came more than two weeks BEFORE I MET the new girl. If I had known anything about this new girl then, there's NO WAY I would have done anything. Heck, I won't even masturbate now that I've met this girl--even though we are still technically nothing--because I don't want to accidentally cheat on her in my thoughts. Thanks. As long as you let the "oral" girl down gently, theres no reason for her to tell your new girl. She was afraid to make a move on you in the first place, she most likely wont be the one to go blabbing off to your new girl if she sees you two together. But DONT tell her you found someone else.
Author billj Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Thanks boogieboy, So are you saying that I should not follow my friend's advice and instead arrange a meeting with her and tell her I only see her as a friend? He said that if I did that she would probably hate me forever, etc., etc. At the same time, I'm not sure if he realizes how far we went. Also, Is this something that would offend the typical "new girl"? It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but I feel like it is also something that is relatively common, at least in college. I.E. If the new girl found out would she probably dump me? I have no idea what her sexual history is and probably wouldn't care no matter what she said it was... I haven't lied to her about what I did, and if she ever asks for my sexual history, I will answer honestly...
Author billj Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 Also I should add that the "oral girl" is somewhat vengeful and that is part of why my friend said not to confront her and instead just casually tell her that I found a girlfriend when we meet again... That's also why I'm scared of making the wrong move here. I think I just need to decide and do whatever I decide TOMORROW. Because once new girl is around, I'm not going to have time for anything but her and school
boogieboy Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 If the oral girl will not cross paths with you and your new girl, then you dont have to worry about the new girl finding out. If the oral girl is vengeful, she will still do what youre worried about if you tell her you have a girlfriend. Oral girl WILL hate you forever, she will not want to be your friend, and you cant ask her for that. She will be hurt, but theres nothing you can do about that. Dont tell the new girl about oral girl, your sexual past is your business. SInce this happened 2 weeks before you met new girl, the act itself is harmless. You were drunk, things happened, you werent exclusive with anyone, and if the new girl cant be understanding about that, then you know why shes single. BTW You cant walk on eggshells with the new girl, that is doormat behavior. If she senses that you wont stand up for your own actions, she will get turned off. So if the incident comes up, stand your ground.
Author billj Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 The problem is that my school is really small and there is basically only one bar that we all go to. We are all bound to cross paths and I can't go on avoiding anyone. It's just not possible. Most (really, all) of my friends have said just ignore oral girl and move on; there was no commitment and she shouldn't expect anything. Also the fact that she emailed me asking not to tell anyone what happened is a sign that she won't say anything about it... So my BIG question really is what do I do? Are you recommending that I talk to her...Or not? Because eventually she will find out about new girl. Depending on your advice, I might try to contact her even tomorrow... Also--if new girl asks about it, I will tell her the truth. We fooled around and I regretted it immediately--it's just not the type of thing that I can do without feeling guilt. I feel like I used her and she used me just as much, but even though we used each other it's still not right and it's screwed a bunch of stuff up. Because that's how I feel, truly...
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