He can't be in a relationship right now, what's my next step?

[littlebittle]

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Initially, he said that he only had platonic feelings for me. I wasn’t very upset about breaking up. This past month has been stressful for both of us, and I felt a relief to not have to deal with all of the fear and uncertainty that comes with a new relationship (I haven't been in a serious relationship in a few years, so this was a big step and sometimes overwhelming). But after a few days, I realized that I did care very much, and we are really good together.

 

We said that we’d still hang out just as much. We are so compatible in every way, we have a deep emotional, physical, and intellectual connection. I don’t think anyone has ever felt so right to me, but I’ll admit that I have a hard time sharing emotions with most people. We really have become best friends, and neither of us wants to see less of the other. We hung out last week and it was as if nothing changed. We didn’t have sex, but he kissed my cheek and called me sweetie and wanted to hold hands and cuddle and have me sleep over. He was just as affectionate as ever, which was confusing because he said he had lost those feelings for me.

 

I thought about all of this and decided to be honest with him this weekend. I really poured my heart out to him, and said things that I have never said to anyone. He was really surprised, but he’s a very sensitive communicative person, and because I have been so closed off, he had no idea that I had so many deep and intense feelings. He admitted that his feelings for me haven’t changed, but that he cannot be in a relationship right now. He went through a traumatic breakup a little over a year ago, and he’s still not over it. He’s afraid of getting hurt and taking things too quickly, and he doesn’t know when he’ll want to date again. He was adamant that it wasn’t about not wanting to date ME, but that he can’t date anyone. He said that if he were to date anyone, I would be that person and he agreed that we really have something special.

 

So now I don’t know what to do. He wants to continue being friends. Of course, I do too. He said that he wants to be as close as he possibly can to me while still being aware of my feelings about everything. We’ve set some guidelines about physical affection, but I’m not sure if I can do this. I was honest with him and said I would make every genuine effort to truly be just friends, but I ultimately I want us to be together someday. I do feel that the way I opened up to him had a big impact on him, and in a way it made him feel more comfortable around me. It made me more comfortable, too. But if I continue opening up more, I could get really hurt if he ultimately doesn't want to be with me. If I stop seeing him altogether, I’m afraid our bond won’t grow. I have to protect myself, but I don't want to lose something so special. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never cared about anyone this way.

 

 

(BTW, we're both in our mid-twenties. I've been in a few serious relationships, this is just his second one.)

 

Thank you so much for any input!!

Edited October 8, 2009 by littlebittle

[carhill]

Sounds like you each need some alone time, as in not in touch with each other. Neither of you can heal from your pasts while engaging your emotions with another. If the connection is truly there, it'll be there in a year

[wizardof7]

Well I can say first off , theres always a risk of being hurt in a relationship.

whether you are over it or not . that will never change

Some people { including myself } have had an association problem . Where everything reminds you of that person . This can be very distracting in a new relationship . Time is the only fix for this .

So if you have the time and patience it would probably work out . But that may be more time than you think . It took me three years to get over it .

[carhill]

What I've noted are snippets of revelation; prior incompatibilities which are seen in present behaviors of others, reminding me of my appropriate boundaries. That's different from 'not being over' an ex. If I saw someone kissing (or was doing it myself) and thought of my stbx, as an example, then I'd know I was not yet ready to move on.

 

Everyone has a past. Everyone has been hurt. Everyone has hurt others (whether you believe it or not). Accept that. The new person is not your past; they are your future

[rainbowsandkittens]

this is almost exactly what just happened with me and my ex- except we're both in our early(ish) 30s and he's getting out of a marriage. same time frame too- we were together 3-4 months. and similar circustances- i hadn't been in a relationship in a long time, he was just getting out of something. we had the same feelings for each other- never felt a connection like that with anyone, had so much in common, etc. and i too found it hard to be open to him, though i tried. while he never said that he only had platonic feelings for me he did tell me he couldnt be in a serious relationship and that he wanted to just date people, me included. i couldn't do it. i tried for a few weeks to do the friend(ish) thing and to keep seeing him. it became too much. we had such a great connection on every level and it's not like we fell out of love with each other. i couldn't just table the way i felt while waiting for him to get the dating thing out of his system.

 

so while it was probably the hardest thing i've ever done- i let him go. erased his numbers, defriended him and blocked him on facebook, everything to get him out of my life. today is day 17 (i know, i need to stop thinking in terms of days) since we've been NC. i've gotten 3 emails from him- all stupid stuff. mainly just a "look at me! remember me?!" type of thing. i've responded but standoffishly (and a little b%$&^% lol). can this work out in the future? not sure. he wrote a friend of mine a long email about how he thinks we need to let each other go so we have a chance someday and that maybe we can work out at some point. i know.... really something to pin your hopes on, right? which is why i'm done. if he loves me he'll come back. and if he doesn't, not meant to be.

 

the point is- you opened yourself up to someone. you let someone in. that's awesome! so maybe he's not the right person. that's ok, live and learn. i felt the same way as you- maybe i should keep him in my life bc if i don't maybe he'll forget how great we are together and move on and find someone else. that's a chance you have to take. because the way it is right now- you're probably going to get hurt. bc you want something from him that he's not willing to give. if you're meant to be he won't forget how great you are or how great you are together. i also thought- but we have so much fun! why don't i keep seeing him and having that much fun?! bc ultimately it became not fun. bc we'd hang out and i'd think "god, we have so much fun! what's the problem? why doesn't he want to be with me? is he seeing someone else?" and it hurt my heart. and i loved myself enough not to put myself through that. kwim?

 

i know it's hard when you find someone you didn't think you'd find and have a connection you didn't imagine you'd have. but if it's right, it'll work out. there are a lot of people on this planet and if you find one you like you'll find another (at least i have to believe that) hth.