2sunny Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 we could go on and on about they "why's" of why he left the kids with her while she drank - or just move forward since she is currently in the non-drinking stage... so, since she is choosing to not drink - there is a potential for life as they know it to drastically change for the better. he is willing to give this a try to see if it works with his family. that seems appropriate since his complaint for leaving WAS her drinking. now is the time for you to exit the scene so that he can figure out if his life with her will be reasonable and happy without her drinking. many, many things are bound to change for them... with you involved - it only serves as a huge distraction for his mental energy he intends to place on repairing the marriage. in time, you will know if this will work for them - but if you stay involved in his life now - you are in for a HUGE roller coaster ride... none of which will be easy or fair to you or them.
Author justwantlove Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you guys so much. I hope that soon i will be able to stay away, but i dont have the strenth right now. To give you a little more detail hes been back there for a little over a month. At first we agreed no contact but we graduated to seeing each other about once a week and talking everyday through im. As far as why he left the kids with her is because shes a good mom and takes care of her kids. She was a functioning alcoholic. He hated how she got with him when she drank and how she asks around people The kids were totaly safe and taken care of with her. I know im about to make excuses for him so forgive me. But the ONLY way he can get custody of his oldest, not theire child, is to be there in the house with her and their kids. He's a poker play so all of his money is under the table and if during the divorce it showes him taking care of multiple house holds shell be able to get more. He tells me that since he moved out of the house for almost a year, him going back will help show ownership of it and might make it more likely hell be able to keep it. He's gotten in to being materialistic when it comes to loosing everything. I know that he's also there to see if he can be happy there, im not in denial about that. But i dont think he can be, and either does he. He tells me how he's distant from her and she comments on it. He even asked me a week ago if he should just tell her whats going on and that its not gonna work. But i told him no cause its really important that he works out his custody with child1 first. Were going to vegas this weekend and my hopes are that when i get back ill be able to go nc for atleast a month. I have to take baby steps. The longest weve gone w/oc is 6 days. It doesnt make me feel good to see him like this. I dont like the sneaking around, or that we hang out for a couple hours and he leaves to go back. I dont like feeling im gonna go to hell because i love this man so much. Its crazy that theres all these negatives and the positive that keep me hanging on are love and a fantasy futur.
2sunny Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 and as long as you justify all this and continue to make excuses - you will stay - and so will he. he has stated that she quit drinking - no? it is time for YOU to step away from the drama and allow THEM to work on THEIR marriage. their M is bound to look totally different if she quit drinking - he wants to check this out for sure... i don't blame him but a lot of changes will occur in their relationship and any other distractions are really a HUGE road block for them. their marriage doesn't include you... time to step aside until you have his FINAL divorce papers in hand - otherwise - just get on the roller coaster and continue on this crazy ride for the next 20, 30, 40 years or so...
fooled once Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 If you do NC, there is a chance that he will leave when his wife returns to her previous state, as surely she will. there ARE people who get sober and stay sober. My brother has been sober for 18 years. People don't always go back to being drunks As for these 1) The place he moved into is a different school than where the kids go now. He did not want to impact their lives. He was 'separated' for 11 months -- why would he move into a place that wasn't in the same school district originally? 2) The place he lived in did not have room for the kids. See bolded response above. 3) He just did not think it through. For 11 months he didn't think it through? 4) He cannot afford both two homes and child care. The wife says home so that is cheaper. He could 'afford it' for 11 months... . I have never seen child support change from what is ordered during separation to something different after the divorce is final. It CAN change every couple years, because many papers state that W2's are to be exchanged yearly or every 2 years and if there is a 20% change in circumstances, c/s can be re-evaluated. We fell in love over 11 months and everything was completely perfect, not just the illusion of perfect. I find it hard to believe it was perfect - I have not heard of a 'perfect' relationship. But she quit drinking, and that was her problem. Now that shes putting in the effort she wasnt putting in, he felt that he had an obligation to try a little more. Especially since they have kids together. It was really hard for him to move back there. He says when it comes just to love he'd choose me in a heartbeat but there's his kids, not to mention alimony and child support, him possible loosing his house. The stresses of divorce. He tells me he's not committed to her and at times they cant even be in the same room together. huh? For 11 months he was okay with leaving his kids, with a drunk no less; but now that she is getting sober he needs to be there, for the kids??? Ive tried to have nc, but it doesnt work. If im not contacting him he contacts me. I dont want to be without him but at the same time i dont want to be the other woman. Then stop seeing him. UNTIL he actually moves out and divorces her, you will be the OW. I love him to death and i cant keep myself away, but the guilt i have for being here is hard to deal with. I promise, you CAN keep yourself away. You just don't want to. He tells me he wants me and loves me. He doesnt want to loose me while he works everything out, and he makes it seem like we will be together. He tells me that he sees us getting through this and us being perfect later. he wants you on the side - he wants you to be his mistress for when things get stressful at home. What is he working out? HOW is he focusing on his marriage when he is telling you that you will get through this??? Posted by pkn06002: He may or may not be going back for his wife, only he knows that. But interesting how some want to immediately jump to that assumption. He went back to his wife. what other assumption is there to make? He moved back in home because his wife is SOBER. He moved out when she was drunk. It can't be 'for the kids' because he MOVED OUT already; but CHOSE to move back in and give it another chance because SHE GOT SOBER. I am missing how this was an assumption that you think we jumped too... As we can see from this board and our own personal experiences, we all wonder "why". We all wonder what is going on in the mind of the Married cheater. We all want/wanted to know how they made their decision, why they made it the way they did and we try to decode it and find any tiny loophole that gives us hope. It is human nature. It is what most people do in the first few days following break up. Just - you have NO IDEA what their marriage is like. You really don't get a say so in it. Has he told his wife about you? I am guessing not. If he really was separated, why wouldn't he tell her? I truly think you need to accept that it isn't going to work. He is not going to get custody of his child by moving back in. That is the most outrageous thing I have heard. She was a good mom as a drunk, according to you, so why would the courts give him custody when she is now sober? Think about it -- think it through rationally (which I do know is hard to do when you are so involved). Moving back into the home isn't going to give him ownership either. MOST courts side with the mom. Most mom's get custody and the house. If he had actually filed for divorce, when he was separated, he would have found this out. A lawyer would have told him to move back in PRONTO as she could have filed abandonment. I think he is feeding you false hope. He had the opportunity to move on; but he chose to move back. He keeps in contact with you because he may very well care about you - but it also feeds his ego. He is a cake eater. YOU DO have the ability to stop contacting him and honestly, IMHO, that is what you should do. Stop contacting him, stop seeing him and stop talking to him. Let him do what he said he was going to do - try again with his wife. Stay out of their marriage. I know you are hurting, but IMHO, you are just prolonging the end...
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Were going to vegas this weekend and my hopes are that when i get back ill be able to go nc for atleast a month. I have to take baby steps. The longest weve gone w/oc is 6 days. It doesnt make me feel good to see him like this. I dont like the sneaking around, or that we hang out for a couple hours and he leaves to go back. I dont like feeling im gonna go to hell because i love this man so much. Its crazy that theres all these negatives and the positive that keep me hanging on are love and a fantasy futur. It's over really between you and him, he's gone back home, tried to work on things, yet he won't let go of you... YET you're still choosing to go to Vegas with him? You say you feel guilty, the lying sneaking around.. Again, but you're going away with him.. I agree with sunny, you're prolonging the end.. The sooner you do and stay in NC mode, the sooner you can begin to heal.. Grieve and heal, with no hope. Right now you STILL have alot, maybe too much hope, you're waiting in the wings.. He knows this too.. It's doing damage to you. Anyway, going away with him is your choice, but its going to hurt you alot more.
NowhereToHide Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Do yourself a favor and listen to Fooled and Which Way.... you are getting VERY sound advice. It's the exact advice/perspective/insights that you were seeking. You needed to see the other side. And now you have it. We all get your pain... more than you know. Love is never easy to give up on. But you deserve so much more (and so does his wife). He isn't choosing you. He is choosing HER. You can romanticize it as much as you want (we've all been there), but he's going back to work on it with HER. He's telling you what he thinks you need to hear because he doesn't want to lose you. He wants you and his wife in his own twisted way. Are you willing to settle for that life? He loves you. He just loves his wife more. Please move on NOW. Not after Vegas. If you go away with him he will still tell you everything he thinks you need to hear. Start making decisions on what's best for you. Not him.
scatterd Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 It sounds to me that he is telling you what you need to hear that way he can have his cake and eat it too.Does his wife know about you do you know anything about her other then what he has said.He needs a sob story so he does not look like he is the bad person.Cheaters dont say their wife are wonderful thats why im cheating.Woman have sex for different reasons then men.Get out of this go find someone who is faithful or you will be the next one later down the road.Its no fun to be cheated on or to be the op why would you want to be both sounds like an unhappy life you will have.Go find someone honest and trust worthy you will be so much happier.Live life honest and reap the rewards of it later.I hope you can do that.Go find a true love.Wish you good.
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