angelface78 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) To those of us who's exes are with someone new. Do you guys feel like they downgraded or upgraded? I mean over all..im talking physically, intellectually, financially. Im just wondering. Does it make you guys feel better or worse if they downgraded from you?? I ask because my ex is with a new girl and i cant help but compare myself to her. I honestly dont understand why he is with her. She is not bad looking..i saw her myspace pics. She is only 20, im older 31. My ex is 28. She has a considerably cute face. Her body...no way..atrocious. Not his type at all. I have a far better figure!! She has a 2 year old son (shes only 20) I dont have any. She works at a water park (well she is a kind of a kid.) I work at a private investigations firm as a research specialist. She has no parents here. She lives with her sister. She does not have a car and therefore rides the bus everywhere. I know all these things because his sister told me. I have my own things....my own car..make decent money ..everything i own i busted my butt to get..purchased with my money!! She doesnt dress well at all (probably because she doesnt have much money) and he is like majorly into clothes. When i was with him he always wanted me wearing heels and dressed up. I mean i dress like that anyway so it was never a problem. His sister tells me she dresses trashy and has tatoos behind her ears and her back. Her nose and lip is pierced. I once considered getting a little nose piercing and he was like Hell no!! Youre too classy for that!! Now look at him...such a hypocrite. This girl doesnt even have a high school diploma!! Everybody and i mean everybody thinks he has downgraded. Including his parents and sister. His own father went as far as telling him he is an idiot for losing me and being with her. That she is trashy. She is not allowed at his parents house. At first when i saw her it made me feel better...like WHAT??..this is what he's with, but now that i think about it... i actually feel worse because it means he really does like her or she must have a great personality. Either way just thought it would be interesting to see if you guys think your ex's new girl or guy are better than you and how it makes you feel? Edited October 8, 2009 by angelface78 Link to post Share on other sites
Phedre Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 1) No matter what the stats on the new chick are, CLEARLY he has downgraded because he is not with you.. and who in the hell doesn't want to be with you? Must be a loser to lose you.. and who wants to be with a loser? Not me. Not you either 2) I know it would be impossible to not compare yourself to his new chick.. it would be impossible for me too.. But comparison done, over. You know you by FAR win in every category possible. You can't help it your ex is suffering from the inability to pick a decent chick. You can't help it his standards have some how drastically lowered since y'all dated. So knowing all that, STOP COMPARING. STOP CARING. He isn't your concern anymore. He is that chicks problem now. The time you waste learning things about his new gf or him is time you could have been spending on someone way better.. say yourself or the new guy you are NOT gonna meet while obsessing (yes, obsessing) about your ex's current partner choices. 3) I know this sucks a lot, but you need to go NC with the sister, for at least a little while. If you two are as close as you feel like you are, and it is because of both of you individually and in no way because of your ex, then she will be fine taking a break, happy even if it is what you need to move on.. because she is your friend and she wants you to be happy, not stalking facebook comparing hair color and what you ex said that one time about highlights. You will be able to pick right back up in the friendship if it truly is a friendship and not just a relationship you have with your ex's sister. I feel like this will ALWAYS hold you up, always keep you in that drama loop, always keep your focus on the past instead of on yourself and your great future that is just waiting for you to take it seriously and make it happen. Believe me, I know this sucks sooooo very much. But believe me when I say, it gets better, you will get over it, you don't need it and you are better than this! Link to post Share on other sites
sara82 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Well said Phedre!!! I know it's VERY difficult when you find out your ex is with someone new. I'm going through a similar time myself. My ex has been dating this new chick since June....and it SUCKS beyond words. We look NOTHING alike...I have dark hair...she's a blond My ex and I are both 25....the new girl is in her 30's (with a son) The new girl is a control freak, and calls all the shots...i'm fairly easy going My ex has even confessed to me...."At times he's happy....but they argue a lot" I know it's difficult....but Phedre's totally right. We need to stop comparing...we should NEVER let these 2 crazy new girls in our ex's life make us feel bad about ourself's!!! Take Care! Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 You DONT worry about who your ex is doing. It will send you down the spiral of insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 You guys are right...i shouldnt think about it....i want to heal. I was just wondering what others thought on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Odyssey Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 At first i thought like you, knowing that the ex is less appealing, so you'll feel great, but then feel like total crap because in the end they didn't choose you. But after some time, i just don't care. You'll come to realise that it doesn't matter 'cause it doesn't help YOU move on. Phedre, is spot on about 'obsessing'. Comparing the ex's bf/gf isn't good. You're basically still checking or thinking about the ex's life, which you have no control over anymore. Yeah, it's a tough battle, but you have to try to focus on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused_Chump Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) I am not sure if comparing yourself to his new partner is the right thing to do if your goal is to heal your own heart. Whether they're better/worse than you, I think it's more important that you're happy and confident with your own self. During the process of healing, I feel the only person you should worry about is yourself. Don't worry about what the girl is like or how she gets along with your ex because that is no longer your business. Instead, concentrate on becoming whole again. Edited October 8, 2009 by Confused_Chump Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelface78 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 Yes i will try to do that...THANKS GUYS!! Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I guess it's schadenfreude... we take pleasure in other people's misfortune. I broke up with my ex and he's now dating a huge girl... and I mean huge... with a nose the size of the iceberg that sank the Titanic. She looks like a man wearing a wig. I'm not jealous or anything, because I was the one who ended the relationship... I just feel an inexplicable sense of satisfaction that he couldn't find someone as good as me. Sort of like, he can't do better than me and now I bet he wishes he was nicer to me... in a way I feel like it serves him right for not treating me properly. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 In short, I don't care if they up or downgraded in their mind. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me is who is WITH me now, not who took me for granted and walked away. Focus on YOU, not them. Link to post Share on other sites
splintered thing Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 To those of us who's exes are with someone new. Do you guys feel like they downgraded or upgraded? I mean over all..im talking physically, intellectually, financially. Im just wondering. Does it make you guys feel better or worse if they downgraded from you?? I don't know about physically, intellectually, or financially, but I'd like to think my exes are with partners they're happier with than they were with me...so in that sense they'd have upgraded, because none of the other details matter. I'd definitely feel worse if they "downgraded," because I certainly care about them and want them to be happy. I won't say that their lives are always easy, or that they never have problems (and I probably hear more about the problems than about their best moments), but I've never had an ex who wished we had stayed together, so that's a pretty strong argument for "upgraded." Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I don't know I only saw her once, she looked very young and cheap, which he loves. I'm sure in my exes eyes he upgraded otherwise he would still be with me not her. One thing I'll say though is since he started dating her his life has gone to hell. He's lost almost everything including his home and job. Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 You should definitely be focusing on YOU. but just to indulge you, by what you describe I would say he downgraded. Im sure by the time he realizes that it will be too late and you will be with someone new that turns out better for you. you sound like you have a lot to offer the right guy. Id be fighting to hold on to that! do you have a sister? Ha. Ha. Do yourself a favor, if he goes fishing in your pond again, don’t bite. You deserve to be caught by someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Nedved Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 In short, I don't care if they up or downgraded in their mind. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me is who is WITH me now, not who took me for granted and walked away. Focus on YOU, not them. Exactly!!! they walked away and made their decision to leave so whats the point comparing and worrying about who the ex is with now. what difference is it gonna make to us? i know it hurts thinking of our ex's with somebody else but you can't control who their with. Totally agree. Focus on yourself and let them do what they gotta do for right or wrong!! The less you know about them or their new love the better. Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I can say with confidence that my ex made a huge downgrade. Not that it makes it all better or anything. Of course it helps that my ex is with my ex-best friend, and I know all about every little personality defect he has because I've known him for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
jlr Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Great thread. Although, we really shouldn't care. But.... My ex downgraded major. And it's not just me who said it, but other people have been shocked at the dude she chose. I actually haven't seen him in person, only pictures. But some mutual friends have seen him in person. I'm not the most confident person in the world, in fact, I'm sorta terrible at that sometimes. BUT, I'm Brad Pitt compared to the new guy. Aha. But seriously, the new guy looks like Shrek. He's very Ogre-ish. Ok, that was fun to say. This is good therapy! Link to post Share on other sites
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