NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 so some of you might have been following my plight, but i need somebody to pyscho-analyze why i did something lately that was so bad. so me and the ex about 2 weeks ago had dinner at my request. it was very painful, but i needed the closure. she said i still hadnt given the space she asked for and i agreed. we left on a good note and i gave her a typed letter. she called the next day and said the letter made her sad and she still needed more time and she loved me. so fast forward 9 days later and i wake up and feel great. ive been texting to vent but i dont send them. so i wake up and i write out this horribly mean text, but then i send it. it was so ****ing mean, only **** you could say if you really know a person and know what hurts them. i went to the gym and i felt really good. i dont know why. i said stuff like you dont deserve me, this was unfair, im going to find someone that really loves me, and the last 3 years were a waste and called her a bitch. all of her texts though were sincere and it made me sad. stuff like they werent a waste for me, ive been fair to you, i might regret this. im sorry. and also (which kicked me in the teeth) "do you think saying these things will ever make me want to come back?" "you havent given me time to breathe or think" i felt really bad after the initial high or whatever and called to apologize which ultimately led to another argument. i said i was sorry and no more contact from me in an email. and sorry again i feel so bad. in fact dont pick up my calls or respond to my emails or texts because were both hurting so much now. and i plan on staying NC forever. i guess my question is without seeing a shrink and be honest, why would i do and say those horrible things? some people told me i did it so i could finally move on and stop hoping. i think i did it just to be mean and make her feel like ****. its really eating me up inside. i hurt the girl i loved so much right there and she didnt deserve it at all. instead of our last moment being a beautiful, tearful dinner its me acting childish and small. i really cant stop thinking about it and regrettting it. its been 6 days.' i guess im dwelling more by posting but **** it...
JaggedRoad Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Look, we all do stupid things when we're emotionally distressed. Take full responsibility for your mistakes and try to forgive yourself. It's hard, but you need stop pestering her. Can you retell your story? I'm too lazy to make a few mouse clicks and find it myself, but it may help you. Try to be more objective this time.
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 pretty simple. she said she needed space mid-august. gave her a week and did the usual pleading to get her back. she said its over. gave her another 12 days and said hey. that went ok. then we did dinner (maybe 6 days later) because i felt it wasnt fair to me so far and had some things to say in person. and there we are. there is no one else on her side. but i feel like i ****ed up my last chance b/c i pulled it back to me being crazy. at dinner she cried and said just give me time. now i think there is no coming back after i said these horrible things. on the phone it was the same convo as always. me asking to come back beacuse i saw something that night, and her saying no. although on the phone i said "if this is the last time we ever talk.." and she said "why would this be the last time" i guess im just reaching. shouldve given her lots and lots of space. now i will and ill never see her again. sad really
JaggedRoad Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 /facepalms I don't know how much of this is true, but people keep saying that "time heals all wounds." I hope it does for you. I won't say anymore than that because it would turn into a ragefest between us.
trueblue72ny Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 it just sounds like you got frustrated with it all. we all do it. there is nothing wrong with you. the problem comes in when people get physically abusive with someone. you did the right thing and apologized. just chill now like you plan on it. sucks but reaching out doesnt seem to help anything except cause more arguements at this point.
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 yeah im ****ed. i mean now i gave her a huge hurdle to come back. doubt she will. i just confirmed all her doubts and what not. im so sad and i was starting to feel good b4 the texts. i still dont know why i sent them. they were so mean. even if i never talk to her again i would just hate for that to be her last impression of me.
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 i did apologize a lot. said i am just angry, confused and lonely. said those are the worst things ive ever said to anyone ever, and ill regret them the rest of my life.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 been there done that. i would say.. just let the time take care of it... when we are emotionally sad, we tend to say bad things that would hurt other people. we dont think twice because of anger.. and when you think about it, its too late and you wish you could go back and change things..again try to move on.. i know its really hard but you gotta let it go..
trueblue72ny Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 i understand you feel badly for leaving it on those terms. but there is worse out there, believe it. yours was a walk in the park compared to what ive seen/read. try not to beat yourself up too much over it. im sure if you ever find yourself in a situation like that again you wont make the same mistake.
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) yeah im not counting on her coming back. i just was really happy with the movie ending we had. i couldve lived with that. and i really havent given her any time. i think the 12 days was broken up wth a brief text. NC to heal and MAYBE she'll realize her mistake. but im not waiting. Edited October 7, 2009 by NSW768
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 i also feel like ive lost so much of my self respect from doing that. wish i just walked away in the beginning.
JaggedRoad Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Hey, we've all been there. We've all lost respect for ourselves at some point, but it's not the end of the world.
Author NSW768 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 agreed. im just not that guy. very mellow. and to say these things makes me very sad because i look down at myself. ill get over it.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 dont think about it man.. i know its hard not to. but it only makes you even more sad..
Author NSW768 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 i just had this really great revelation. i cant really explain it but im pretty sure i just let her go. she ****ed it up. not me. and im better off without her. im not just saying that. i really feel it. if she loved me she would try. yeah i didnt give her space but she let me go for what? she doesnt even know. thats fine. shes a great girl and i hope she has a happy life. but im going to go have some fun now...
Author NSW768 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 someone on work today was like "you talk to your girl after you said that ****?" and i was like no i havent really except for saying i was sorry, then they were like "you can forget about her coming back. thats ****ed up what you said" it made me feel like ****.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 someone on work today was like "you talk to your girl after you said that ****?" and i was like no i havent really except for saying i was sorry, then they were like "you can forget about her coming back. thats ****ed up what you said" it made me feel like ****. dont give a dam about what they said to you.. they wouldnt understand because maybe they didnt go through what you have been going through.. there are days you are going to feel horrible.. but imagine there are people out there whose much more in deep trouble.. look at it on the bright side.. dont throw everything on yourself.. even though you messed up, you will get over it. dont stress yourself over it.
Author NSW768 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 true. i just cant help thinking, which i know is pointless, she wouldve came back with time when we left on good terms. then i think im better off. then i think what if she didnt even come back when you left it on good terms. its all pointless. its just so easy to dwell. so easy...
Hop_prophet Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 You are being too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Of course you are going to let your emotions get the better of you and say some nasty sh*t - thats what breakups are all about. She left you, what the hell does she expect, pleasantries??? At least you stood up for yourself. She will actually have more respect for you because you did. If you keep apologizing you are only going to do further damage. The best would have been to just cut her off and say nothing. Just do that now and don't give her another second of your time.
DustySaltus Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 NSW, you ask 10 different people and you'll get 10 different answers. All that's important is what makes you happy. Otherwise, you'll go crazy.....trust me.
Author NSW768 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 You are being too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. Of course you are going to let your emotions get the better of you and say some nasty sh*t - thats what breakups are all about. She left you, what the hell does she expect, pleasantries??? At least you stood up for yourself. She will actually have more respect for you because you did. If you keep apologizing you are only going to do further damage. The best would have been to just cut her off and say nothing. Just do that now and don't give her another second of your time. yeah thats the worst part, is then i did the apology thing which was like 2 emails and a phone call and a text. and then thats like for her, whoa pycho bf stuff again. like if i was going to say that stuff i wouldve rather gone out like yeah, i told you off, see you later. and then apologizing just brought me back to that pleading style. so pathetic. thats why i told her to stop answering my texts, emails, phone calls so i wouldnt even try to call her anymore. just a really weird way to go out i guess and thats what is pissing me off. ill be ok. no contact eve again. just the ups and downs of this suck!... (in 2-3 weeks i probably wont even remeber anymore)
Narf Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I have (and still do) come to my wits end and send mean stuff... I think it is to get a reaction... The hoped reaction is for them to come back (weird i know cause your being mean) but if they fire up as well then you can hate them and move on... The problem is they dont fire up... They are civil so you feel like a massive douch... I think you need to have someone else to txt when you want to txt them... Have friends to visit when you want to talk or see her... The problem will come when she comes back wondering where you are... Her comment about not being the last conversation makes me think she hasnt fully come to terms with not having you around... Giving her a dose of no contact and trying to do stuff for yourself will have her wondering... i think So good luck! None of this is easy! but there are things to do that make you not hate yourself... I.E Not txting her means you cant say the wrong thing... Going out with friends and giving yourself a break from your mental beating of yourself helps...
Author NSW768 Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 (edited) im glad i told her not to call me for some months i think. maybe that was a bad move. idk. i was emo when i emailed her telling her i was sorry and i deleted the email right after, pretty sure i said we shouldnt talk for some months. that could be bad i guess and misinterpreted. like i dont want her back. i did so i could heal but now i cant stop thinking that shell never call again because she thinks i dont want her to... **** im so in the hole. so in the hole. _____________________________________________ i guess it doesnt matter anyway. if she wants me back she will wait the months or whatever. and i can move on not thinking she is coming back. not a bad move i guess. ___________________________ **** i miss her so much. i cant believe how i ****ed this up so bad. i cant believe it. jsut kept bugging her. im not looking for responses im just venting after a long day. just so sad without her. and i know she wants to come back but i turned into such a pyscho. i cant deal Edited October 13, 2009 by NSW768
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Calm down on yourself man. What happened to NC? i know how you are feeling (pyscho) but that does not help at all trust me been there, you will only damage yourself while she moves on. Let the time take care of everything.. You were doing so great? dont let her get into your head, thats why you keep emailing or calling her. Don;t man you are killing yourself i know how much this hurts, but you gotta do it for your own good. You cant let this girl hurt you anymore, just dissapear.. come here and vent but dont turn to her.
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