justdana Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I've posted about this on the "Breaking Up" board, but I think it may be a better fit here. The ultra-short version: my boyfriend of six years and I nearly split up about two weeks ago. We talked yesterday for the first time since then, at which point he acknowledged that he overreacted to an overreaction of mine. He said he wanted to meet, but it seemed like he just wanted to be friends. I told him in a completely rational, calm manner that I couldn't be his friend and that this had to be goodbye. No histrionics, just the facts. He said, "No, I don't want to let it go." We made some changes to the time we'd spend together and all was well. I have not heard from him since. He works at night and has classes during the day, but he's been out of class since 11:30 (although I will admit that it is possible that he's studying on campus; he does that from time to time). I tried texting this morning to wish him a good day, and I waited until around 1 p.m. to call. I'm not trying again after this. My questions: 1.) Men, when you're uncertain about whether or not you want to stay with a woman but have long history with her, do you tell her you do anyway and hope like mad that your feelings will catch up with your words? 2.) If you're on the fence and a girl gives you an out -- one in which she completely absolves you of guilt and does not even so much as shed a tear at any point during the conversation -- wouldn't you take it? If not, why? 3.) If you're kind of on shaky ground with a girl but tell her you want to work things out, and she attempts to contact you the next day, would her attempt to contact upset or annoy you? I love this man so much and I'd like for things to work, but I can't want it by myself. If he doesn't want to try for this, I can't understand why he doesn't just let it go. Yes, I realize that I have the power to rip off that band-aid, myself, and I tried that yesterday. Then again, he's a classic passive-aggressive, and this would be the very definition of obstructionism (saying yes to avoid discomfort, then not following through because it's not what he wanted). I think I know what I have to do, but I'm curious to read your responses, anyway.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Refrain from psychoanalyzing him and maintain your boundaries clearly. You won't tolerate passive-aggressiveness, I'm hearing. Good. That's unacceptable. Or, do you tolerate it? Play games here and this ends badly. Be honest and straightforward and you have a chance. Your silence will speak volumes. If I'm unsure, I say that. Regardless, I think people basically deserve respect and treat them in a respectful manner, including returning communication messages. Somehow, I get this feeling that he'll call later today and we'll be seeing a post full of :love: . If so, hey, nice vent on my watch. Happy returns
Author justdana Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Refrain from psychoanalyzing him and maintain your boundaries clearly. You won't tolerate passive-aggressiveness, I'm hearing. Good. That's unacceptable. Or, do you tolerate it? Part of our problem is that I have before. Or, let me rephrase: the problem has been that I get so tired of biting my tongue that I eventually flip out on him. Where boundaries are concerned, do I have any room to establish them if I'm the almost-dumpee being taken back? Play games here and this ends badly. Be honest and straightforward and you have a chance. Your silence will speak volumes. I agree 100%, and I feel entirely too old to be playing games. That said, am I to follow bhweller's advice above and just leave him alone until he contacts me? My natural inclination at this point is to do that, anyway, if for no other reason than self-preservation. I call + he doesn't answer = I feel like poo. If I'm unsure, I say that. Regardless, I think people basically deserve respect and treat them in a respectful manner, including returning communication messages. Yeah, I'm with you there, too. I'm just sort of anxious about what the next step is if he does not call me back. If I don't hear from him by tonight, I'm really thinking that this has to be done. The communication I'm getting from his actions is that he's not interested, despite the fact that his words said the opposite. When I tried ending it and he protested (not halfheartedly, either!), I felt so good. Today, I feel about the same as I did before I reached the conclusion that this just needed to be done. Somehow, I get this feeling that he'll call later today and we'll be seeing a post full of :love: . If so, hey, nice vent on my watch. Happy returns You're far more optimistic than I am at this point, but thanks for that.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 IMO, set a timeline that is acceptable to you and then enforce your boundaries. If that means, if not hearing from him by tonight in answer to your messages you are done, that is the boundary. Enforce it and clearly communicate that message. Men like clarity The key here is not to waffle. If you waffle, he owns you.
Author justdana Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Somehow, I get this feeling that he'll call later today... Actually, Carhill, I'm half-tempted to place a (virtual) bet against it. If he calls, it'll be just as he's going into work tonight at 11, and we'll have about five cranky, sleepy, distracted minutes to talk (I'm in bed then, he's just waking up). As long as there is a chance that he hasn't seen that I've tried to contact him (and I acknowledge that there is), I'm fine. It's if he makes it all the way through the night, goes to work, and still says nothing, I'll know all I need to know. I just don't get why he said he wanted to do this if he didn't, and everything in my gut is telling me he didn't.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 To me, with a lifetime of such utterances from women, it's amazingly simple. He's stringing you along while he works out his options. Sorry. Happy to be wrong. He'll tell you I am. You'll believe him. My penis-meter will be invalidated. Life goes on
Author justdana Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 To me, with a lifetime of such utterances from women, it's amazingly simple. He's stringing you along while he works out his options. Sorry. Happy to be wrong. He'll tell you I am. You'll believe him. My penis-meter will be invalidated. Life goes on I'm not out to invalidate your penis-meter, and I don't think it's going to happen that way. I think I just kind of wanted someone to tell me I'm not being unreasonable, and that it's not all that far-fetched for me to believe I'm being strung along. I'll give it until tonight. That's my boundary. You don't tell someone you want to work something out and then not speak to them. I understand that I'm not the one holding the cards, but by god, after six years, I can't give them all up. If we're not going to talk, then we're not going to talk. Period. Ever. I tried communicating this last night, and it didn't seem to be what he wanted. Maybe he's had time to reconsider, and he just can't bring himself to tell me. Who knows?
Author justdana Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) Okay, so he called. As I predicted, it was about ten minutes before he had to be at work, but that's not out of the ordinary. He sounded exceedingly... normal the whole time, actually, as if nothing had ever happened. We talked about study plans for the weekend (we're nerds, and that's our idea of a good time) and he offered to help me with a project I'm working on. I'm going to refrain from contacting him myself for a while, though. I mentioned earlier that I set a daily two-attempt limit, but I think it would be good to let his fingers do the walking for now. I'm still in watch-and-wait mode, but I feel a little better than I did earlier. Thanks for the responses, everyone. Oh - and please pardon the formatting (or lack thereof). I'm in bed posting from my BlackBerry. Heh. Edited October 8, 2009 by justdana
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