owls Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 like I'm an observer in my life instead of a participant. I feel like part of it is the fact that I'm in a relationship with a woman whom I care for and love dearly, but we're so incredibly different. We are as married as two women can legally be in the US, and we have a home together. We've been together for almost two years, and I feel so trapped sometimes. I'm 25, and she's 23. I have nearly no sex drive, and she's deeply bothered by this. It just happens to me when I'm in a long term relationship - always has. I came out as a lesbian three years ago, and had dated only men before this time. As I mentioned before, when in a long term relationship, my sex drive disappears. I love her, but she's so into me and I'm afraid that even though I want to be that into her, and that in love with her, I'm just not. I try to be, I try to fight to keep myself interested in her... but I feel like I am doomed to being bored forever if I'm with someone, and lonely if I'm not. I hope I'm making sense... I'm just trying to articulate and unload the plethora of issues I've been experiencing lately. A little more background... I feel like I lose myself when I'm with someone, like I'm not myself anymore. I feel lifeless and depressed when I'm with someone long term. I crave alone time, and enjoy my time while she's at work (I work at home). I feel like she deserves better than I can give her, in the emotional department. I just don't know what happened to me. I used to be so committed and happy and then it's like I woke up one day and felt like this. Someone, please help me understand why I'm doing this.
Stroon Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 like I'm an observer in my life instead of a participant. I feel like part of it is the fact that I'm in a relationship with a woman whom I care for and love dearly, but we're so incredibly different. We are as married as two women can legally be in the US, and we have a home together. We've been together for almost two years, and I feel so trapped sometimes. I'm 25, and she's 23. I have nearly no sex drive, and she's deeply bothered by this. It just happens to me when I'm in a long term relationship - always has. I came out as a lesbian three years ago, and had dated only men before this time. As I mentioned before, when in a long term relationship, my sex drive disappears. I love her, but she's so into me and I'm afraid that even though I want to be that into her, and that in love with her, I'm just not. I try to be, I try to fight to keep myself interested in her... but I feel like I am doomed to being bored forever if I'm with someone, and lonely if I'm not. I hope I'm making sense... I'm just trying to articulate and unload the plethora of issues I've been experiencing lately. A little more background... I feel like I lose myself when I'm with someone, like I'm not myself anymore. I feel lifeless and depressed when I'm with someone long term. I crave alone time, and enjoy my time while she's at work (I work at home). I feel like she deserves better than I can give her, in the emotional department. I just don't know what happened to me. I used to be so committed and happy and then it's like I woke up one day and felt like this. Someone, please help me understand why I'm doing this. owls, i'm really sorry you're feeling this way. theres nothing more soul destroying than wanting more than anything to feel a certain way. its a kind of damned if you do and damned if you dont scenario. you want to be with someone, but when you are you feel unfulfilled, when you're not, you feel lonely. I'm 30 now, and from the age of around 25 i found myself going through a lot of emotional changes. all of a sudden all the things i thought i wanted and needed just weren't making me happy anymore. i thought that once i was an adult, that i wasnt going to fundamentaly change much anymore. i was very wrong. I cant advise you on what to do with your current relationship, and for that I am sorry. I just want you to know that what you're feeling is something that happens to alot of people. it may be that at this stage in your life, nothing will make you happy. i dont mean for that to sound depressing, thats just my own personal experience. i spent about 4 years being desperately unhappy, not wanting to stay, and petrified of going. i hope that someone here can help you better than I can.
Author owls Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 thank you for your reply. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way. It's so frustrating, and I feel like I don't have any control over myself or my emotions any more. I'm just kind of blank.=/
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 It sounds like maybe you just aren't ready to have a long term relationship/committment. And, that's OK.. I suggest you talk to your partner about how you feel.. Maybe together you two can figure this out, do counselling, (you also might benefit going on your own too) and fix things. Do you want to save the relationship, or are you ready to walk away? Love isn't easy..Once the passion fades, sex becomes routine, it takes effort from both people to keep the flame alive, and also keep the love growing in a healthy way. Hope this helps.
Author owls Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 I do want to make it work, I don't want to not have her in my life. I just feel like I need to fix myself before I can really be good for her or anyone. I have been to counseling before... for over a year when I was 20, because I was depressed. I'm on antidepressants now, and it seems to just take the edge off.
Stroon Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I do want to make it work, I don't want to not have her in my life. I just feel like I need to fix myself before I can really be good for her or anyone. I have been to counseling before... for over a year when I was 20, because I was depressed. I'm on antidepressants now, and it seems to just take the edge off. thats they key, the difficult bit is doing it! its so easy to say, but where do you start? for me, it took alot of time. for you maybe only time will help or maybe something else would help. we all have to find our own way. but whatever it may be, be patient with yourself. the last thing you need is to be beating yourself up on the inside, that wont help at all. and you dont deserve it.
Storyrider Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 like I'm an observer in my life instead of a participant. This first statement is pretty descriptive. Are you a participant in your life?
JaneInVegas Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Owls, do you have a history of depression? ... or in your family? You sound very detached and sad, and I know I've felt that way many, many times. I've struggled with depression for a long time. Maybe you're just not ready for a long term committed relationship, or maybe she's just not the right one for you. But you need to do something to get yourself happy again, life is far too short to be in the state of mind you're in now. Good luck to you
giotto Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 whose house is it? Can you move out or your partner can move out, keeping the relationship going? This way you can have your time alone and choose when to see your partner. It will be hard for your partner, but if you explain her the reasons, she will understand, especially if she loves you so much...
Athena Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 like I'm an observer in my life instead of a participant. I have read that being on some antidepressants, like Prozac, can bring on a bluntness of feelings and a disconnect from your life. Also, a lack of sex drive. Speak to your health care provider about the side effects of the anti-depressants you are on, because you can be switched to another type that may have fewer side effects for you. How long have you been on the medication? When did the Disconnected feelings start? Is there a connection there?
Ecosse Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 I have a couple observations, If I may... Did you consider that you were not attracted to the men you were with... You found yourself in a LT relationship and the sex drive was gone... well, assuming that you werent sexually attracted to this person (but were emotionally) the sex died ... Could it be possible that you associate emotional security (LT relationship) with a lack of libido??? Now that you are in a relationship with someone you are attracted to, youre emotionally secure but (being a creature of habbit) youre not thnking about sex... Youre used to not thinking about sex in a stable relationship?? Im just spitballing here, so take it for what its worth Also your post reads very low... do you have a history of clinical depression? Low sexual drive can be a symptom of depression... If youre not comfortable talkign about things like this online, Id recommend you see a professional councilor... Good luck
LocalColor Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 I'm going to give the harsh advice someone should have gave me when I was 23/25 ... stop playing house, go out and live your life. You're heart is trying to tell you that these are not the right people for the long term —*it has nothing to do with you being a depressed, defective person. It is always possible that you've got commitment issues or intimacy issues, and I would certainly recommend therapy to learn how to not "lose yourself" in a relationship. I sure wish I had, I may have figured out sooner that the problem wasn't me but the relationship.
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