Girlygal Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Really i just need to vent to take a moment and clear my head and make this craziness stop. How is it that emotions can play so terribly on oneself? I met him 4 years ago. He was my neighbor, you know the super attractive rocker neighbor that you are only suppose to look at but never actually get close enough to touch? Yeah totally crossed that line, and ever since i have not been the same and i am going crazy. Now keep in mind in these 4 years it has never progressed into anything more then this extreme sexual tension. The kind of tension that curls your toes, sends your stomach rolling and makes you zone out of conversations because you are so wrapped up in thoughts about him. But i have never crossed the line because i am married to an amazing man and have 3 beautiful children that i would not change for a single thing in the world. I actually went no contact for a year and a half trying desperatly to douse the fire that continues to rage. He has since moved but i see him CONSTANTLY and everytime i do i know i get this dumb ass look on my face and cannot keep myself from being drawn closer and closer. Now i am getting "I love you" in my ear and touches that last just a bit longer then they should. But do i pull away???? NO. i long for them, i have even found myself seeking them out and then cursing myself for having done so. I don't know what to do, i feel like laughing, and crying and runnig away and bursting at the seems. I feel like a completely insane person. My poor husband, I feel such extremem guilt because i am even thinking the things i am thinking, but i cant make it stop. I am at the point where i am slowly convincing myself that after 4 years surely there is more to this then just some passing fancy. And he CLEARLY feels the same way, but he has never pushed me for more, he has been content to sit back and wait on me. Never involving himself in anything substantial because he isn't interested in anyone else. I have begged him to date, i have even gone so far as to set him up in the attempt to free myself. But it hasnt worked. I am seriously afraid that if this continues much longer I am going to do something that i am going to regret for the rest of my life BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP.
inhindsight Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Girlygal, I don't know what to say. You know it's wrong, you tried NC for a year and a half. How is that you still see him constantly? allowing him to touch you and whisper things in your ear? WTH? Does your H know about his? You need to tell him. Believe me, if your H knows, you will be sure not to cross the line again with this bloke. Unless you really don't care about your H, and will continue to lie to him about this situation. If you are willing to create havoc, destruction, sadness, pain and hurt in the lives of your H and kids... then continue on this path of going out of your way to feed this hunger of yours. Because that is EXACTLY where you are headed towards. If you REALLY don't want to be this way - then DON'T. Get the help you need to find out why you're obsessing. But be honest with yourself on why you feel the need to thrill-seek. There are reasons underneath... you just have to find out what they are. Seek counselling, and please be honest with your H.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I have begged him to date, i have even gone so far as to set him up in the attempt to free myself. But it hasnt worked. I am seriously afraid that if this continues much longer I am going to do something that i am going to regret for the rest of my life BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO STOP. Do you realize that you're involved in an EA? And that in continuing to pursue it you're already cheating on your marriage and betraying your Husband? So quit with the "Stop me before I do something wrong", you're already there. If this relationship is so compelling to you, why not leave your H and find out? Mr. Lucky
Ronni_W Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 The kind of tension that curls your toes, sends your stomach rolling and makes you zone out of conversations ... i feel like laughing, and crying and runnig away and bursting at the seems. Girlygal, I so know where you are. I am very sorry that it's happened to you. Then again, would you have wanted to die without experiencing it? The thing that I was told is this: "Ronni, you're telling yourself that you can't stop but it is that you do not WANT to stop. You CAN stop, and you will, when you want to." It just put it ALL back on me, and that's what I needed; to know that I was doing it to myself, basically. I still chose to do it, but at least I didn't also feel helpless, powerless and as if I was under some voodoo curse or wizard's spell. (I did stop, eventually.) My situation was a little different in its' specifics. But my intense emotions, the passion of the feelings and the sexual tension were the same. Only thing different is that you have been much more eloquent with yours, than I ever managed to be with mine . Inside of you, there is a part that knows exactly how to stop. And the other part that does not at all want it to stop, that is just more dominant at this time. My "inside joke" was the song that goes something like, "You gotta promise not to stop when I say 'when'." Like I said, the part of me that knew how to stop is really sorry that you're going through this. And the other part is really happy for you. (I think-hope that will make sense to you?) Big, big hugs...and very best of luck.
Author Girlygal Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 As for why i see him constantly....partly by coincidence and partly by choice. We run in the same social network and are frequently at events together. I am close with his family and are friends are damn near all the same. My H and him are friends and my kids swim at his house frequesntly. It not like he is just some random guy that i run into. My H and I have been together for a long time and we have known each other since we were kids. We have had our issues and are actually fairly open with each other about everything. Even our fights only last about 30 minutes because I honestly prefer to end things quickly rather then to drag arguments out. And there is resolve to our problems they aren't simply forgotten. It isn't as though I am so distraught in my marriage that I am looking for something "better", this situation and person has simply presented itself in such a way that I am now constantly questioning, "Did I marry my firend so I wouldnt be alone" and did I sell both myself and my H short of what we could have had? The problem is this, I love my H very much, which is why in the last 4 years i have never moved beyond what this thing is. He is a wonderful father, a great lover, and an outstanding companion. However, I do not have the intense flame that I can feel with this other person. I have NEVER allowed how i feel about this other person affect my relationship with my H. And should I move forward with anything it would only be after I have ended/discussed things with my H. But I do not want to hurt him or imasculate him or anything else that would cause him pain. I am simply going nuts within my brain as to what i should do. Do I take a chance and risk losing what i have or do I find satisfaction with what I have and try like hell to move on. But either way how do I do it?
inhindsight Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 you have stated you love your H. That is enough for me for you to stay with what you have. Learn to appreciate him in different ways. What you have with him is established, tested, and true. What you feel for this other guy is imagined, based on fantasy and lust. It is SO not worth jeopardizing what you have. How do you stop? Well, for one thing, stop with the unnecessary contact. Obviously you can't help it if you see each other at get togethers, but you can certainly minimize your interaction with him at these gatherings. Honestly, I really think you need to tell your H your feelings. It is NORMAL to feel attraction to other people. Hopefully your H understands this. What he needs from you is your honesty about everything that has taken place so far. He will NOT be happy, but if you haven't yet embarked in a full fledged A, then hopefully there is an opportunity for you guys to discuss this without leading to a separation. Your honesty will make you accountable for your actions, particularly when you are at gatherings where this OM is present. If you truly love your H, you will not do things that will make him uncomfortable, especially if he knows you are attracted to this other guy. Once you have told him, you will need to tell this other guy that you guys will NOT be left alone anymore, and that his "sweet nothings" whispered in your ear or his brushing up against you is NOT WELCOME. He needs to know you are fully committed to your H and that any transgressions from the past were a mistake. I feel for you, I really do, but now just knowing all the opportunities you have to see this other guy, well it puts a whole different spin on things. He is NO friend of your H's. If your H knew how this OM had behaved, I'm sure he would no longer consider him a buddy of his. Take control - do this by being honest.
inhindsight Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I forgot to mention something about "the flame" you feel with this other guy and not your husband. Passion comes in waves. No one can expect raging passion to remain level for the entire course of a relationship. Sometimes it ebbs back, and other times it comes back... But you have to keep it alive. It doesn't keep itself alive. I wonder if you would have more of a burning flame for your H if you directed it you H instead of the OM?
DoubleAce Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I have NEVER allowed how i feel about this other person affect my relationship with my H BS! All the time and attention you have spent obsessing about your hunky neighbor has been distracting you from your husband. You have told yourself "I wish my husband did xxx like neighbor, or had eyes/biceps/hair like neighbor"
Author Girlygal Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 BS! All the time and attention you have spent obsessing about your hunky neighbor has been distracting you from your husband. You have told yourself "I wish my husband did xxx like neighbor, or had eyes/biceps/hair like neighbor" I am crying with laughter right now. To compare the two of them is laughable. They are so completely different and I am attracted to each of them for totally different reasons. One is a full fledged "rock star" complete with a record deal and guitar. The other is a full fledged "daddy" complete with a wallet of pictures and baby slobber. But when I am with my H I simply DO NOT THINK about the other. Plain in simple. Yea i know it is hard to believe, but it is the truth. Inhindsight i truly appreciate your input, i think you see things along the lines of what i am trying to portray, i think you are totally right. I am going to talk to him tonight and clear the air so that perhaps my mind can be at ease! I honestly think it is the freedom that this other guy has that makes me the most attracted to him. Which i think is natural for a mom of 3 in her twenties. To be honest writing this out has really helped so thank you to all!!
The Midnight Rider Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I have a slightly different perspective. First, make up your mind. Either your gonna stay with the person you promised to love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer FORESAKING ALL OTHERS till death do you part...or not. If it is not, then get this over with. If you have an affair, your crushing a decent man and that's the REAL injustice. At least give him the opportunity to get on with his life and get the suffering over with. If you prolong it to make yourself feel better about smashing this guy, you just push the blade in more slowly. May as well give the knife a good twist, too. If you chose to stay with your "H" (I'm not gonna call this guy an "H" again because it sounds dumb), your gonna have to dump this other guy and when I say "dump", I mean avoid him like his breath causes gonorrhea and his mere existence causes menstrual cramping. Get used to the fact that your husband is NOT what this other dude is. He is the man that rides into battle for his wife and family daily. He may not be exciting, but it's what you committed to. I don't think there is anything wrong with being attracted to somebody else when married, but to let that attraction take over destroys marriages. No matter how hot the flame, eventually and no matter how careful you are, somebody will be burned. If you chose to stay with your husband, don't tell him a damn thing about this. If you would like to harpoon his ego (Yeah, ladies, we have them and they are as fragile as eggshells), let this sleeping dog lie. Otherwise, even if you stay with him, he will always feel second best. If you've ever seen a little boy pout and cry, it's like that but sometimes with drinking, violence (WHAT? MY HUSBAND? Yeah, men are funny about being tested and bested), cheating and eventual leaving you for somebody hotter and more committed.
inhindsight Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I understand H may have a fragile ego (we all do), but perhaps he would be MORE understanding of her infatuation with this guy, particularly if he is somewhat of a rock star. It is certainly common for both men and women to be fascinated with a celebrity. I'm confident that most people would be fairly flattered to receive attention from Angelina Jolie or Kate Hudson or Matt Damon or George Clooney or whoever. This might make her H more forgiving of her being attracted. It is foolish to think that people won't be attracted to other people. The key to keeping it in check. Clearly OP needs motivation to keep it in check - she can accomplish this by being honest with her H.
The Midnight Rider Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 If my wife came to me and told me "Honey, my loins ACHE for the neighbor", hurt would be an understatement. The truth will set you free, alright. Free to find a good divorce lawyer! Everybody has a fragile ego, but a man's is particularly fragile. You can punch us, kick us, stab us, shoot us and burn us and if we are still breathing, we are still standing. However, if you stab us in the heart with "I know a guy who is hotter than you and I can't stop thinking about him. WHEW is it hot in here all of a sudden?" you may as well substitute his morning coffee with battery acid or give him a ride to the nearest bridge so he can take a header into the river. Some things are really better left unsaid unless her husband has an EXTREMELY open mind about relationships, sex and sexuality.
inhindsight Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) Midnight, egads, well I would hope that anyone wanting to confess their feelings of attraction would do it with a bit more sensitivity than that! You actually made me laugh out loud! I guess I can see your point... I mean, I can certainly appreciate it would hurt. I admit, I would be really upset if my husband told me he pitched a tent everytime he saw a certain neighbour, her boobs were so amazing, he really wanted to get it on with her. Mm hmm, that would be pretty distressing, I suppose. I don't know that her not saying anything will solve the problem. How to explain her sudden refusal to go to any get togethers, which he more than likely would be in attendance? I do believe minimal to no contact is in order... but outside of dropping all friends and getting a new circle of friends, what is the solution? Again, how to explain away that she is no longer wanting to hang out with these people, in particular, rocker dude? Her husband would be perplexed without explanation. Edited October 8, 2009 by inhindsight
The Midnight Rider Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I think her best bet, if she were to express any feelings to him about attraction to sombody else would be to keep it as close to the vest as possible. Giving a specific person would be problematic at best. "I've been having feelings about us" would probably be the best route to start a dialog, but putting a face to the issue would only personalize it for her husband. Next thing ya know, we'll be seeing them on the next episode of "Cops" with a fist in the face of the other guy even if nothing happened between them.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I am crying with laughter right now. To compare the two of them is laughable. They are so completely different and I am attracted to each of them for totally different reasons. One is a full fledged "rock star" complete with a record deal and guitar. The other is a full fledged "daddy" complete with a wallet of pictures and baby slobber. But when I am with my H I simply DO NOT THINK about the other. Plain in simple. Yea i know it is hard to believe, but it is the truth. Shouldn't that tell you something? I've never met a "rocker" type that wasn't a total douchefag. I think they are the male equivalent of stippers. Yeah... they may be attractive and seem like a good idea at the time... but at the end of the day your left with nothing. Honestly, I can't fathom the attraction. If you'd said he was a UFC fighter or something, I'd get it. It sounds to me like you think this guy is a bigger deal than he actually is... and the fact that he gives you some attention, really lites a fire in you.
alexxx Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I believe that your main issue is your enormous sexual charge (in your own words "extreme sexual tension"). I have hard time imagining a mother of 3 having (FOR 4 YEARS) a "sexual tension that curls your toes, sends your stomach rolling" and "trying desperately to douse the fire that continues to rage". I cant picture it, sorry. I appreciate your honesty, but I really find your story unbelievable. Also, it seems to me that you are trying to validate your EA (maybe not purposely) by trying to convince us that the guy is somehow "irresistible". Sorry, I don't buy this, unless he is from another planet (doubt), or you are too young (which I also doubt, since you have three kids).
Author Girlygal Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 So i talked to my H, ha that was a funny conversation. Turns out he has known and found it funny. Not the whole being attracted part, that not so funny but the hiding it which clearly i suck at that was the funny part. Here is the thing: J and I are very close and open with each other, which is the way i prefer my relationships be. So when we attempt to hide things from the other i guess it doesnt work. He is not worried becasue he knows i would never leave him or our marriage. I think he finds it rather interesting, and maybe it is a new spark we can use in other ways *wink*. Anyhow back to Mr Rock Star. Why would he need to be MMA??? I like tall skinny guys not big beefy guys. and i'm not sure about the rest of you but there is something so damn hot about a guy with a guitar strapped to him rocking out to a large crowd. My H was in a band for several years and i still get excited when he rocks out for me at home. My own private show. Alexxx take it or leave it. It is what it is. Not all women are tramps who will jump on every whim just to get the enjoyment. And yes I do have an enormous sexual charge, and I wouldn't change that for the world. but my H is the only person who gets to enjoy that aspect of me and I doubt that will change anytime soon. Yes i think i was trying to validate my EA, because at the time i wrote this I had just spent the last two weeks working with this guy on a daily basis and honestly thought that the tension was going to kill me. But i feel more level headed and cleared out. Writing everything down and then talking to my H about it all really was a wonderful thing for me! Do i think that this feeling that i have for him is just going to go away? HELL NO, but i think that I am now better equipped to handle it. As i stated before i would never move forward to physical cheating while i was with my H, the thought gives me heebie jeebies. but as long as my H is ok with and seems to rather enjoy my mental appetite for this then i guess no harm no foul. So thank you to all that read and posted, i truly appreciate having a place to let it out and get some useful (and not so useful) advice!!
Author Girlygal Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Oh and BTW i am in my mid 20's a perfectly acceptable age to be dumb and slightly wreckless and a perfectly acceptable age to have 3 kids. But thanks for thinking that all mom's with more then 1 kid are old hags!
The Midnight Rider Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 So i talked to my H, ha that was a funny conversation. Turns out he has known and found it funny. Not the whole being attracted part, that not so funny but the hiding it which clearly i suck at that was the funny part. Here is the thing: J and I are very close and open with each other, which is the way i prefer my relationships be. So when we attempt to hide things from the other i guess it doesnt work. He is not worried becasue he knows i would never leave him or our marriage. I think he finds it rather interesting, and maybe it is a new spark we can use in other ways *wink*. Anyhow back to Mr Rock Star. Why would he need to be MMA??? I like tall skinny guys not big beefy guys. and i'm not sure about the rest of you but there is something so damn hot about a guy with a guitar strapped to him rocking out to a large crowd. My H was in a band for several years and i still get excited when he rocks out for me at home. My own private show. Alexxx take it or leave it. It is what it is. Not all women are tramps who will jump on every whim just to get the enjoyment. And yes I do have an enormous sexual charge, and I wouldn't change that for the world. but my H is the only person who gets to enjoy that aspect of me and I doubt that will change anytime soon. Yes i think i was trying to validate my EA, because at the time i wrote this I had just spent the last two weeks working with this guy on a daily basis and honestly thought that the tension was going to kill me. But i feel more level headed and cleared out. Writing everything down and then talking to my H about it all really was a wonderful thing for me! Do i think that this feeling that i have for him is just going to go away? HELL NO, but i think that I am now better equipped to handle it. As i stated before i would never move forward to physical cheating while i was with my H, the thought gives me heebie jeebies. but as long as my H is ok with and seems to rather enjoy my mental appetite for this then i guess no harm no foul. So thank you to all that read and posted, i truly appreciate having a place to let it out and get some useful (and not so useful) advice!! Wow! Terrific! You can't argue with results!
1Angel Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 If you don't know how to quit it, take a stroll over to the OW/OM and Infidelity forums. Read the pain there.
JaneInVegas Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Since you love your husband, you have to change your life around so that you never run into him again. If it means cutting some friends loose, wouldn't that be better than getting a divorce from someone you love, and the father of your children? This sounds like a text book example of having to choose between the good boy and the bad boy. I'm not knocking you for being in your situation, I've been there myself several times. I learned a lot from it though, and trust me, you are playing with fire. Choose a side of the fence and then jump off the stupid thing.
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