Beebie Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) I am new to LoveShack and desperately seeking some support. My husband came home from work 4 weeks ago and announced he wanted our marriage to end. We have known each other for 19 years and been married for 15 years. Here’s the background to my situation. My husband has a full time day job. 5 years ago he decided to start his own business, whilst keeping his day job. At the start, I was very supportive but then he decided to bring in one of his friends into his business. I have never liked his friend. He is not a nice man and he has a previous failed business and 3 failed marriages. I have known for a few months that things haven’t been quite right between my husband and I, but I put this down to the stress of him running two jobs. He would come home from work and then spend all evening on his laptop doing his own business work. I have been a housewife for the last 5 years and I thought my way of supporting him was to make sure that the house was nice and comfortable for him to come home to, do all the chores and have a good meal ready for him. I never complained about the fact that he spent all evening working, but looking back I now realise he was hiding his feelings about me. So, he came home 4 weeks ago and said he wants to split up. He said he didn’t love me anymore and wants to make a fresh start whilst we’re both young enough (he’s 51 and I’m 48). He said as far as he was concerned we had “drifted apart”. I was totally in shock at his announcement. I told him I had no idea he had been feeling like this and I asked him if we could save our marriage by going to see a marriage counsellor. Straight away he said he didn’t see the point in us seeing a counsellor as he didn’t think the marriage could be saved. I asked him if he was seeing somebody else but he denied this. Since then he has been treating me with total disrespect. I went to my sister’s house for a few days to try to get my head around it all. My husband and I were only in contact by email. The emails he sent me were written as though I was a business client – totally formal and emotionless. He sent me his divorce settlement proposals and it was set out like a business presentation document. I thought I knew my husband inside out. The man I am seeing now is a total stranger and I am struggling to come to terms with it all. My husband says he wants to move back to his hometown which is 150 miles away. I am convinced now that he is seeing somebody else and he already has his new life all planned. I also think his business partner has been influencing him in a big way. My husband’s personality has changed since he’s been involved with the business partner. I am very worried for my future. I have no money of my own and my husband remortgaged our house and put all the money into his business. I am frightened and I feel very foolish that I trusted my husband. I thought we would be together for life. Please can someone give me any advice. Edited October 7, 2009 by Beebie
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I asked him if he was seeing somebody else but he denied this. Almost guranteed there is someone else. Sorry you're going thru this. My STBXW did something similar 39 days ago - I was devestated. You need to stop contacting him #1 to get yourself on track and to take care of yourself, and #2 this is the 1st step if he is going to want to reconcile. He will never come back if you beg / plead / cry to him --> he has all the control if you act like that. Also, if the OW is still around there is no way he will come back. Be strong and keep posting here. I don't know the best things to say but there are some GREAT LS folks who will help you, ok? Look out for #1 (YOU!!!!!)
Auroracoladybug Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Beebie...sounds like you have family to lean on and welcome to LS!...my dad as always has been my hero and has been the biggest person for me to lean on...yes the man you are with is a total stranger...is the mortgage under your names jointly? if yes then he has a responsibility to pay half the mortgage atleast...kids? cars? Take control of you and yours...the best thing I did was get a lawyer and take control before my STBX did. No I still do not want the divorce and still want to work things out but I have to give him the divorce he wants and start out new (even if eventually it is with him)...he may be upset because he has wanted to move back to the hometown but figured that you wouldn't move and the partner was saying "she's not worth it"...if he believes that quit giving him anything! no contact, no meals, no affection...etc...HUGS I know this is horrible and unfair...its many of the men on here that make me have faith that all relationships are not hopeless...
Logik Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Beebie...sounds like you have family to lean on and welcome to LS!...my dad as always has been my hero and has been the biggest person for me to lean on...yes the man you are with is a total stranger...is the mortgage under your names jointly? if yes then he has a responsibility to pay half the mortgage atleast...kids? cars? Take control of you and yours...the best thing I did was get a lawyer and take control before my STBX did. No I still do not want the divorce and still want to work things out but I have to give him the divorce he wants and start out new (even if eventually it is with him)...he may be upset because he has wanted to move back to the hometown but figured that you wouldn't move and the partner was saying "she's not worth it"...if he believes that quit giving him anything! no contact, no meals, no affection...etc...HUGS I know this is horrible and unfair...its many of the men on here that make me have faith that all relationships are not hopeless... Nice reply. This is exactly how I feel since my wife left me.
Auroracoladybug Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Thanks Logik...I am hopeful for my future...and I really care about everyone (well maybe except my ex-best friend...no even her) Those who just disappear but their bodies are in front of us don't care how much they are tearing us apart...they don't know where they are most of the time either...Like I said there is just this optimism that I have and meeting people male and female alike on this site has brought me around that ONLY I have control of myself and can make it on my own happy or not...Hopeless romantic here.. Beebie...there are so many here who have good hearts and will support you in anyway we can...you may have been a stay at home wife but that is NOT your identity...you have that to build your whole life and a personality to go with it
howcouldInotknow Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 People always say that you dont divorce the man you marry. I think it is unfair to blame the friend/ business partner because you do not know for sure and even then its hard to place the blame with him because your husband is his own man. You have to get a lawyer as soon as possible do not agree to anything. As a stay at home wife you have rights, its hard but protect yourself and your own interests
delajoonal Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 beebie... i have been in hiding for a bit..to depressed, but came across your post today. first welcome to LS, wonderful people here, but then again, sorry you had to come to LS, as it means you are in pain... my story mirrors yours...devastation comes to mind. my mind is racing with so much to say to you..but because your last paragraph mentions your finacial status and such...here is my advice.. because i have been a stay at home wife for the past 5 years as well, i sew and sell things on ebay and in boutiques, but not enough to make a decent living. mostly a hobbie now, due to an illness. so after 7 months of my H harassing me with horrific texts messages, vmails, and yelling and calling me names...like you said, who are is this man..right? we thought we knew them so well.. one day, they are hugging and kissing and calling us honey and sweetie the next day.. " i am not in love with you anymore and shut up you stupid b*tch!" well, that is what my H did..after NO yelling and NO name calling for 14 years. ok...so i got an attorney...you must do this too...you will need spousal support and because you have stayed at home taking care of the house and your husband...the courts will recgonize this as well as the LTM. i also don't want to say this...but i can prolly put money on it... your H is def seeing someone... its classic A. with the i don't love you anymore bit. you said you noticed something changing? you know that what was? i didn't see it then..but it is all so clear now.. he checked out a while ago...that is why NO MC will work and also because.. there was someone before or even after he checked out...but your H is gone. i know that is SO HARD to hear...believe me i struggle every effing day with it. i Pray he will come back..but then at the same time, i NEVER want to see him again! its an awful time for you...please know that we ALL here GET IT and are HERE for you... someone here on LS will always be here, there are some regulars that are amazing... some can be really harsh with their advice, but mean VERY well, they have been hurt too and wiill try to save you from the pain they went thru... but inevitably...you will grieve and go thru it...we have and are... but please please...GET AN ATTORNEY! you need that finacial security put in place NOW..before your H can do anything to destroy it...i.e. move money, spend money, etc... good luck and please keep posting and or reading.
Author Beebie Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Firstly, can I say how very grateful I am for your replies. I am so emotionally vulnerable right now and your support means so much to me. I have already seen a solicitor and outlined my case. I have only just received my husband's divorce settlement proposal so I will have to go back to my solicitor with this information. I have to say, the divorce settlement proposal is pitiful. I am beginning to think my husband must really hate me, but then maybe this is his way of hiding his guilt. We don't have any kids, thankfully, so this won't be an issue. I still can't believe things have come to this. One minute I think I'm happily married and the next minute it's all over! I simply can't believe that after 15 years of marriage, he is prepared to throw away everything. I don't understand why, when he first started to feel unhappy, he couldn't tell me so we could work it out. I keep looking around my home and thinking about the life we built together. It all seems for nothing. I know I've got to try and be strong and I do have good family support. But I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this has all been a nightmare. One minute I'm stronger and the next minute I can't function. I tell myself I will rebuild my life and then I just cry. At the moment, we are rarely in the house together at the same time. I will say though, I haven't broken down in front of him since the night he told me he wants to split up. I am telling him NOTHING and the only real communication so far has been by formal email. I hope everyone who is going through this, or has been through it, can find some peace within themselves. It's so hard.
Enema Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Do you have a career you can get back into, or some marketable skills? If you didn't have kids, why did you stop working to become a housewife? I hope it works out for you in the end. The best revenge is to live well.
Author Beebie Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Enema - yes I worked for 27 years as a Secretary. I gave up work 5 years ago when my husband set up his business so I could do his admin work. I did this (part-time) alongside running the home. For the last couple of years though, his business partner has taken over most of this work. I could have gone back to work then, but my mother, who lives out of town, had some major health problems and I spent quite a bit of time taking her to hospital appointments. Now, I'm in the position where my skills may be a little outdated and in the current job climate, it's going to be hard competing with younger people.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I feel for you so much. I am not in the same situation as you but I feel every bit of your pain
Author Beebie Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 howcouldInotknow - thank you so much. I wish I could give everyone here a big hug. Enema - "the best revenge is to live well". You are absolutely right.
Auroracoladybug Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 No problem Beebie...and chin up! I have a co-worker that was a stay at home mom for 15years and 2 years ago came to work for us...she is amazing and her work ethic makes all the difference...I don't think in any way you will be considered outdated when you were helping with the H's business. HUGS BACK!
Author Beebie Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 (edited) Got an update on my situation! This afternoon I've been snooping on the main computer, on husband's login. I have found 3 picture folders. Folder 1 contains 6 pictures of a woman who is fully exposing herself from the waist up. The photo's are taken with her in the passenger seat of a car. This folder is dated November 2003. Her face is not shown, nor is the person who took the photo's. Folder 2 contains 7 pictures of same woman, again exposing herself from the waist up . In this sequence of photo's she is wearing distinctive jewellery. This folder is dated December 2003. Folder 3 - these photo's are dated December 2003. The pictures are of my husbands business partner and his ex wife (who have been divorced for 20 years), and their 2 grown up sons. The ex wife is wearing exactly the same jewellery as the woman in the other 2 folders. So, who took the photo's, and why are they on my husband's computer? At the time these photo's were taken, my husband had a sports car and the interior of that car matches exactly the interior showing in the above photo's. What do I do now? I have copied all these pictures to my flashdrive. Do I confront my husband with these photo's or do I keep quiet and hand them over to my solicitor? I know my husband will deny he took them, and as his face isn't in any of the pictures, it may be difficult to prove he did. He will say one of his friends borrowed his sports car. Doesn't explain why they are on our computer though. I feel sicker by the day! PS: I forgot to say I am sure the pictures in folder 3 were taken by my husband. He WAS on a day out with his business partner that day. Edited October 8, 2009 by Beebie
delajoonal Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 beebie... DO NOT LET YOUR H KNOW YOU HAVE THOSE PICS!!!!!! GIVE THE FLASH OVER TO YOUR SOLICITER/LAWYER.... I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE THIS INFO TO YOUR H... i am speaking from experience..it only makes THEM/Husbands more angry and very desperate...who knows what he will do if he finds out you have been snooping AND found some thing too ... keep us posted beebie... p.s. i am sooooooo sorry for you..this is awful pain i would never wish on anyone...please be strong and know LS is here for you..OK;) you are stronger then you think...you can do this..just keep moving forward.
Author Beebie Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you delajoonal. I will follow your advice. You know, I've cried and cried today. I just wish he would come home and say he's made a big mistake and wants to try again. Even though it would be extremely difficult to forgive him, the way I feel right now, I would at least try. But he's gone, I know. And I'm grieving.
2.50 a gallon Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Beebie Sorry to see you here. I know you are hurting, the whole story is shocking. Your H and the business partners XW in your H's sports car just about the time they go into business together. That is off the scale wierd. They are all snakes. If he did want you back, could you really go that route? Could you ever trust them again? Do Not Let Him Know what you have found!
delajoonal Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 beebie... if you read my very first thread..i said in it; "THIS is so NOT like in the movies...when the H comes home and says i am sorry i made a mistake, i LOVE you and i don't love her, and i promise to make it up to you...etc etc..." my H said to me," i am NOT in love with you anymore!" point blank...i knew he had checked out long before..and it was too late even then.... especially when he looked at me and said, " haven't you ever been in love with somebody you can't be with?" LOL..ya, can you even imagine...:eek: he says this to me, like i am his sister or a friend or something..LOL..OMG! 7 months later, i am still reliving EVERY single word every day that has gone by, every email he wrote, the cell calls to her and her to him.... i even called her..LOL..and HER/OW H... none of it helped...these people are in their OWN world...they are gone.. i just hope you can move on easier than some of us here on LS have.. cause i did not have LS at that time..i didnt' find LS until later...so i would have done everything SO MUCH more differently had i had the knowledge and support i have now from LS..then. good luck beebie..and please keep us posted and remember someone here on LS will always be here for you... also be OK with your grief..its happening, its real, and you are OK...its normal and everything you are feeling and thinking is NORMAL and will take time..i think you said you were married for 13 years?....same as me...so we can expect to have a long grieving period and it is perfectly OK...do not beat yourself up.. you did nothing wrong...your H chose to go outside your marriage for comfort or something, that he did NOT come to yOU with...that is part of the vows...HE failed NOT YOU...ok...please remember that. and you did nothing to MAKE him fail...it is ALL him. take care and be good to yourself...remember to eat well, get sleep, even if during the day, ITS OK...and start journaling your thoughts..you need to release those feelings..and journaling does amazing things for the soul...really it does. there is so much more..but one day at a time right now...or better yet..ONE HOUR at a time..some will even say one minute at a time...is all we can do right now...divorce, in my opinion and many others, will say is worse then death. also, if you are up to it..check out amazon or your local book store for some books on this subject..my choice are ones with some humor...that helps at times too...The Bounce Back book is fun and had MANY ways to help us move on from trauma, as well as some funny antidotes. there are many more books.. maybe some of the other members can list some for you.. i know if Gunny sees this post, he can recommend ALOT and get your started. good luck again...we R here;)
Author Beebie Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 In my anguish, I forgot to check the "properties details" on the photo's I found on my husband's computer. I've just checked them again and found the camera make and model used does belong to my husband, so he DID take all the photo's. I know now that my marriage has to be over. What do I do with all my memories of the last 15 years?
delajoonal Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 beebie... oh those memories...i know, i have 14 years of them... you keep them with you, in your heart...in time, you will forgive him, and THAT is when you will be able to move on... that will NOT happen for some time tho..you are just now in the beginning throws of this affair and the revaltion of evidence. i am so sorry..i so KNOW that pain of finding letters, phone calls...there are NO words to describe the pain...so many cruddy emotions. i made the mistake of shredding every single one of our wedding pics, some very very emotional momentos as well.... but did the destroying NOT from his affair..it was the lies..OMG the lying... i can't stand liars for one...but to have my H, who has been the sweetest man our entire marriage and neither of us ever inclinded to infidelity... anyway, it was all the lying that made me so angry i just destroyed so many mementos and memories..and now i am regretful..i will never get those back.. i know the marriage is over, but try to hold on to those items and memories that were/are important to you...as you will look back one day and smile at those times shared as well as have something to offer your daughter and grand children one day. all i can say is keep posting and venting and reading..keep reading other members stories and even their strategies...it will all help, especially when backsliding...or wanting to make that call to OW or OW's H... i called both..LOL...and i DO NOT regret either call..they were informative and also let me know exacty what kind of OW i was dealing with.. there are 2 kinds: a- a human that when faced with the fact that the W is REAL and this OW realizes what she has done to a family, or taken part in destroying this family. or b- a monster with NO conscience, and will only deny and/or laugh and mock you. than you know...it will only be left to your H to figure IT out someday...most likly when it is too late...always when its too late. again, i am so sorry for your pain and the loss of your family unit. there are NO words to describe the pain... so i am just sorry..and hope you can find some solace here on LS. take care...keep coming back OK...LS is here for you;)
PWSX3 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Your marriage doesn't have to be over, but there has to be a LOT of changes made and your H might not want to do the work it will take, but that is his choice. I guess the first question is; do you want to be with this man? Is he someone you really do feel you could trust & love again? I had an affair 20 years ago so I understand what a person thinks when they are in the affair. It is like a drug & you will do anything to protect it so no you will not tell the truth, no you will not be honest because you are only looking out for yourself. I'm just going to put this out and see what people think. I feel that you should show your H the pictures. He already wants a divorce so what would you lose? If he lies about it then you know your marriage is over & what type of person he is, if he comes clean & say's he is sorry & shares with you what he is going to do to work on the marriage then you know he is for real.... Something I heard on the radio makes since to me since I was one of those guys that had an affair. When you say; I'm sorry what you are saying is I'm sorry I got caught. When you are serious about wanting to make the marriage work then you say; I'm sorry I hurt you and our marriage & this]/b] is what I'm going to do....they start seeing a counselor, they start going to celebrate recovery or some type of group or class, they don't just say; I'll do better.... It sounds like to me he is not wanting to do any of this so I would say it is time for you to move forward with your life. Doesn't mean maybe down the road he will come back, but while you work on your own life & become a stronger person it will make that decision easier. Before my former wife moved out & filed for divorce she moved out with the idea of getting back together & she was gone for 7 months before she finally started to miss me & want to work on the marriage but when she came back we didn't do the work or the counseling like we needed to do & so she quit, left the marriage so for me the marriage didn't work, but it did help me grow up as a person and I'm in my 40's..... I am sorry, I do understand what it is like but I also understand it isn't the end of the world & you WILL get thru this & if you stay positive, work on bettering yourself you will be amazed at what can come of this......
Author Beebie Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Sorry to be posting again. I'm having a really bad day and I just need to vent. Had a "meeting" with H last night. I asked him if he was absolutely sure he wants our marriage to be over. He said yes. He told me I need to get a Lawyer. Didn't tell him I'd already seen one. He doesn't seem to be in the least upset. What I'm really struggling to come to terms with is the fact that he's so callously been plotting his new life for such a long time, while I was blissfully unaware there was even a problem. I don't know WHEN he first saw a problem in our marriage and I don't know WHY he didn't tell me then. My future looks pretty bleak right now. The divorce is going to be very messy and expensive, and I don't know where I'm going to live. I feel physically sick most of the time and I've lost a stone in weight in 4 weeks. I've made another appointment with my Lawyer. I just don't want to be going through this, but it's reality and somehow I have to face it. I don't want to though. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sorry to vent. Just need to talk to someone.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Oh Beebie, I really feel for you. Your husband is behaving so horribly towards you. I don't understand what makes someone live a lie. I just do not get it. I am far from perfect, but how do these types sleep at night? You sound like a very sweet woman Beebie. Just breathe, try and sleep and eat a little when you can. Don't expect too much from yourself right now. Just keep on living. I know it is hard. I am doing it every day and I dont know how I made it from the 16th August till now.
Author Beebie Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 Hi everyone. I haven't been on LS for a couple of weeks - been so depressed. My head has been full of questions as to why my marriage has broken down. I've spent night and day questioning EVERYTHING and made no sense of ANYTHING. Since H told me 7 weeks ago he wanted our marriage to end, he has behaved like he really HATES me. He told me two days ago he had got into a lot of personal debt to prop up his business. He's still adamant he wants to go ahead with the divorce. I've even heard him on the phone making jokes about it. I read a recent post from dazedandconfused2008 regarding disassociation and I think it sums up my situation perfectly. I couldn't understand why my H (been married 15 years) could suddenly turn into a man I don't know but now I think I might have the answer. I think my husband has such hang-ups about himself. He knows his personal and business finances are in a mess. I would guess he thinks he's failed me and he is reacting to this "failure" by treating me so badly. I also think he has deep underlying insecurities. He had a decent childhood so I'm sure there's no problem there, but it seems to me he has a deep need to prove himself. So what do I do? I would still like to save my marriage - but only if he really wants to. Do I talk to him and offer to work our way through the problems together, or do I accept the situation for what it is? Right now he wants out and has virtually shut down on me.
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 beebie... oh those memories...i know, i have 14 years of them... you keep them with you, in your heart...in time, you will forgive him, and THAT is when you will be able to move on... that will NOT happen for some time tho..you are just now in the beginning throws of this affair and the revaltion of evidence. I have 16 years and it's been 61 days since ILYBINILWY. It feels to me that she is treating like it was 16 minutes. I still feel like I love her but I long for the day I no longer feel any love for her. i made the mistake of shredding every single one of our wedding pics, some very very emotional momentos as well.... When I packed all of STBXW's stuff I neatly packed 39 boxes for her. One box had all of our mementos: wedding album, framed pics of us, various mutliple photos of us and the family, a scrapbooik she made of our first two years together, all the greeting cards we gave each other (apparently we both save ALL of them!). When she moves to her apt. and moves all the boxes back she will open it and see it all. I didn't want any of it. My IC asked my if I didn't want 1 photo of her to rememebr her. I told her no. Am I a monster for not wanting to have any visual memory? I do have 1 e-photo on the computer of us at an outdoor night wedding. but did the destroying NOT from his affair..it was the lies..OMG the lying... i can't stand liars for one...but to have my H, who has been the sweetest man our entire marriage and neither of us ever inclinded to infidelity... anyway, it was all the lying that made me so angry i just destroyed so many mementos and memories..and now i am regretful..i will never get those back.. YES, the lies are what killed me. I thought my W would never be dishonest with me. Then it was lie after lie after lie ... started with ILYBINILWY and I want to be independent. Some independence - the 47 yr old STBXW was having at least an EA with an 18 yr old boy. How is that "independent"? She is now dating him, screwing him, and cavorting in public with him. She plans to move in with him in her new apt. in a few months. How independent is that if your BF will need EVERYTHING done for him. Probably even needs to have his *ss wiped. In our M the STBXW rarely cooked for the family, never did my laundry nor my kids, we had a housekeeper. Now she has to everything. (independently!!!!) there are 2 kinds: a- a human that when faced with the fact that the W is REAL and this OW realizes what she has done to a family, or taken part in destroying this family. or b- a monster with NO conscience, and will only deny and/or laugh and mock you. than you know...it will only be left to your H to figure IT out someday...most likly when it is too late...always when its too late. Well put DELA, I think my STBXW's OM (OB? - he's 18! ugh) is of the monster type. However, does a little boy like that even had any idea? He's just getting some older woman %$%^*. Maybe he is neither human nor monster. Just a little ignorant boy? again, i am so sorry for your pain and the loss of your family unit. there are NO words to describe the pain... so i am just sorry..and hope you can find some solace here on LS. take care...keep coming back OK...LS is here for you;) beebie - I too feel much sorrow for you. Hope every day u feel a little better than the day before. I truly feel your pain. PEACE!
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