thatguy85 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) I have posted a few threads here about my situation, but now I have a new problem. Short story: 24, Married, No kids. Wife had a year-long EA which eventually lead to her spending the night with him behind my back. I caught her, she lied, but then eventually told me she met with him, spent the night, kissed, touched, oral sex, etc, but adamately insisted no full blown sex (which I still have a hard time believing, and it doesn't matter anyway). Watched her go through an emotional spiral - crying, begging, threatening suicide, panic attacks, apologies, promises, yada yada. I still loved her so I take her back. Few months later I find text message sex convo between her and a new guy. Even though I think I caught it before it developed into anything more, I was still angry, hurt, etc. I tried to make myself happy with her and suppressed my feelings, but one day snapped and told her I didn't want to be with her. What I'm going through: (Is this normal?) I've done the emotional rollercoaster thing where some days I want her, some days I despise her. Some days I love her, some days I hate her. She's spent the last 2 weeks with her sister, so I've had a lot of time to think by myself. I've started to grow more attracted to other women and less attracted to her. I get upset when she calls, texts, emails me (which happens throughout the day). We've been to MC together - I still feel like I am out. Both of our families are pressuring me into working it out, but thats ridiculous to me. It angers me that working it out means my spouse can do whatever the hell she wants to do, and not have any penalty for it. Blame has been put on me ALREADY by multiple family members saying if we don't work out, it's because I chose not to try. I like how I am blamed for this whole thing. Some people have said I am verbally abusive because I choose not to respond to her phone calls and texts throughout the day. Also, they are telling her I'm abusive because I told her "You are a bad person", the moment I found her text messages. I've never called at her, cursed her out, hit her, threatened her, or anything, but because in my rage I said "YOU ARE A BAD PERSON"... Now I'm abusive. People are telling her she should be mad with me, take me for all I've got, pull mean pranks on me, and other vindictive things. SERIOUSLY? My own Parents say I'll me screwing up if I don't try to make it work. Its a good thing I have some good friends that are just making sure I'm ok. They haven't talked about her much at all, just talked about me. They make sure I have a place to stay and haven't told me to stay or leave, but they are there if I need them for anything. They listen, share their stories and try to take me out with them to take my mind off things. End of the day I am torn to pieces. I never wanted any of this. I admittidly do miss her, but I feel that I'd be an absolute fool for staying. She again has promised me the world, says she loves me, will do whatever it takes, etc. I don't know what to think of all this. A huge part of me still feels like she doesn't understand what I'm going through. She will get mad at me for being distant, sad and depressed. When we go to MC she never wants to tell the full story. When she goes to friends for help she never tells the full story. She's ashamed, yet at the same time I've seen some of her e-mails to other people which come off with a lot of anger towards me. I don't really feel shes sorry. I just don't think she gets it. I don't want to be with her right now at all. I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I will want to be with her in the future, but right now I can't stand her. I can't stand looking, talking or being in the same room with her. I despise the little quirks she has that I used to find cute. It tears me up so bad. We have been apart for a couple weeks and I don't know if I want to D. People are telling me "you are still married! Don't talk to any other girls!" I get it... It won't fix anything between me and my wife. Fact is though it has been about 3 months since I truly enjoyed my life with my wife, and I've been aching some female attention. This is so hard. Thanks for reading. Edited October 7, 2009 by thatguy85
Logik Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 You are in a difficult space. If you don't want to be with her now, then don't. An affair usually happens when the person who cheats isn't getting what they need from their spouse. She's trying to blame you for not fulfilling her needs, which pushed her to having an affair and find those needs somewhere else. As far as the divorce is concerned, you said you don't know if you want that. Well, if you're not sure about doing something, don't do it. You're not always gonna be so unsure. Don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision. There's plenty of time.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 How many MC sessions have you had? Is the MC proactive in getting to the bottom of her A? Help me understand why, after your W cheated on you, you'd be aching for female attention..... do you mean sex? That's what, perhaps misinformed and unhealthily, your W was doing, seeking from other men what she perceived she wasn't getting at home. I hope you'll be better than that, now that you know the pain. Simply tell those who would pressure you that, if they cannot be supportive to you during this difficult time, then you'll have to disconnect them. That includes family. Then do it. BTW, be sure your MC is experienced with infidelity and the psychologies of outside validation. Ask the MC what their plan for recovery is. A good MC has a plan.
Author thatguy85 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 How many MC sessions have you had? Is the MC proactive in getting to the bottom of her A? Help me understand why, after your W cheated on you, you'd be aching for female attention..... do you mean sex? That's what, perhaps misinformed and unhealthily, your W was doing, seeking from other men what she perceived she wasn't getting at home. I hope you'll be better than that, now that you know the pain. Simply tell those who would pressure you that, if they cannot be supportive to you during this difficult time, then you'll have to disconnect them. That includes family. Then do it. BTW, be sure your MC is experienced with infidelity and the psychologies of outside validation. Ask the MC what their plan for recovery is. A good MC has a plan. We've both gone to MC separately a few times, and then together a few times. The reason why she did it is I wasn't giving her enough attention her her eyes. If thats how she feels I can't dispute her, though during our relationship I felt that I gave her a lot of attention, and her expectations were too lofty. I would spend about 3-4 nights a week with her exclusively after work. I 'd also spend my whole weekends with no one but her. She said there would be days where she wasl lonely and would try to get attention elsewhere. Whatever... to me it doesn't give her the right to do what she did. Also, when she was lonely she never said "hey! come spend time with me!" It was always just her being bored by herself and I wouldn't know she needed it so badly. I'd even check in with her and make sure it was okay for me to go over my friends house for the game or to go to the gym. SHe said it was okay. Now I see it wasn't ok. As far as female attention, I don't mean sex (though it has been a while). I just mean someone to talk to who isn't a dude, who's company I can enjoy. I don't know call me crazy I guess.
Author thatguy85 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 You are in a difficult space. If you don't want to be with her now, then don't. An affair usually happens when the person who cheats isn't getting what they need from their spouse. She's trying to blame you for not fulfilling her needs, which pushed her to having an affair and find those needs somewhere else. As far as the divorce is concerned, you said you don't know if you want that. Well, if you're not sure about doing something, don't do it. You're not always gonna be so unsure. Don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision. There's plenty of time. Actually today she sent me an e-mail asking for a definitive answer by the end of the week so she can make practical lifestyle decisions. I don't know what to tell her. I'm scared that someday I'd wish I had her back, but I know for sure that I can't be with her now and for the foreseeable future.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) OK, so what's the plan? Does your W want to recover the M? Do you? My advice would be to continue MC through the holidays and see where you are after Jan 1. If you don't feel the MC is fostering equal responsibility and especially that responsibility your W has for her A, then find another MC. From the tone of your second response, can I ask if your W has any family or childhood issues? I'm sensing something about her emotional dynamic with you which sounds familiar. If she does, those will be issues she'll have to want to work on to make any headway towards a resolution in your M. The desire and effort has to come from both of you. So, tell me, what do you enjoy talking about with women that doesn't fly with dudes? I enjoy talking about cooking, gardening, home decorating and the like. Similar? What? Be careful about that.... Actually today she sent me an e-mail asking for a definitive answer by the end of the week so she can make practical lifestyle decisions. So, what do you want? If you don't want to be with her anymore, tell her you're going to file for divorce and she can make arrangements appropriately. If you want to recover the M, push for continuing MC. Your choice. Don't waffle. Be decisive. Own your perspective. Remember, you can't control her actions or perspective. That test will come later Edited October 7, 2009 by carhill
GorillaTheater Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Actually today she sent me an e-mail asking for a definitive answer by the end of the week so she can make practical lifestyle decisions. I don't know what to tell her. I'm scared that someday I'd wish I had her back, but I know for sure that I can't be with her now and for the foreseeable future. She's giving YOU ultimatums?? You've got to be kidding me. I'd be inclined to tell her not only "no" but "f*cking no" on that basis alone. But this is of course you're call to make. There's one thing that absolutely should NOT factor into your decision-making process though, and that's the awful advice and pressure that's being laid on you. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they don't know all or even most of the facts of your situation, but DO NOT stay with this woman because someone else, even your parents, thinks it'll be a "mistake". Choose your own boundaries and act accordingly. If you don't want to be with her, then don't. Period. And if you want more time to think about what to do, tell your wife that. To hell with her ultimatum.
Author thatguy85 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 OK, so what's the plan? Does your W want to recover the M? Do you? My advice would be to continue MC through the holidays and see where you are after Jan 1. If you don't feel the MC is fostering equal responsibility and especially that responsibility your W has for her A, then find another MC. From the tone of your second response, can I ask if your W has any family or childhood issues? I'm sensing something about her emotional dynamic with you which sounds familiar. If she does, those will be issues she'll have to want to work on to make any headway towards a resolution in your M. The desire and effort has to come from both of you. So, tell me, what do you enjoy talking about with women that doesn't fly with dudes? I enjoy talking about cooking, gardening, home decorating and the like. Similar? What? Be careful about that.... Yes she had childhood issues from her Dad. He is notorious for breaking promises to her, her entire life. He would leave her stranded without a ride, wouldn't show up for special moments and basically never did what he promised to her. My issue is, why should I have to put up with multiple infidelity because of that. Like am I supposed to be like "It's okay honey, you dad screwed you up so go have an affair or two. It's fine, we'll just kiss and makeup after because I'm your husband and thats what I'm supposed to do." F that. But idk, I think with women its like I fish for compliments and feel goods. Like... I know it isn't a good idea to do when you're hurt... but I have had such low self-esteem issues since this has happened and talking with my guy friends doesn't really do it for me. Like "You're a great guy. I wish I had a guy like you. etc"... is it too risky to get involved in stuff like that?
Logik Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Actually today she sent me an e-mail asking for a definitive answer by the end of the week so she can make practical lifestyle decisions. I don't know what to tell her. I'm scared that someday I'd wish I had her back, but I know for sure that I can't be with her now and for the foreseeable future. If it's too much for you to decide by the end of the week, then tell her that. She wants to make practical lifestyle changes based on what you decide? You can only decide what you want, and in your own time. Don't get forced into anything by anybody else. She doesn't want to make the decision and is pressuring you to make it. If you do decide that it's over, will she use this against you in the future? That you decided to end it? I do understand her side though, wanting to know as soon as possible so she can move on, but tell her exactly how you feel and why. If she's not willing to wait for you to come to a proper, thought out and informed decision, then she has to make some decisions herself.
Author thatguy85 Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 If it's too much for you to decide by the end of the week, then tell her that. She wants to make practical lifestyle changes based on what you decide? You can only decide what you want, and in your own time. Don't get forced into anything by anybody else. She doesn't want to make the decision and is pressuring you to make it. If you do decide that it's over, will she use this against you in the future? That you decided to end it? I do understand her side though, wanting to know as soon as possible so she can move on, but tell her exactly how you feel and why. If she's not willing to wait for you to come to a proper, thought out and informed decision, then she has to make some decisions herself. Yes. This is what I believe.
GorillaTheater Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Yes. This is what I believe. Honestly? I wouldn't let that effect that your decision, either. I understand the reluctance to feel like you're being maneuvered and played, but her feeling like she gains by obtaining some kind of "high ground" if you're the one to break it off is to me another reason for you to in fact break it off. No one needs this kind of game-playing in their lives.
Logik Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Yes. This is what I believe. Then it's all the more reason not to be forced into deciding it when you feel you don't know what to decide. I'll repeat something I said earlier. If you're not sure about doing something, don't do it. You won't always be unsure.
Logik Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Looks like GorillaTheater and I have conflicting ideas but I don't think that he's wrong in what he is saying. You need to to look at the problem from all angles, factor in everything other people are saying, see what you need in your life and what your beliefs are and then eventually you'll come to a decision that YOU need.
whiteberry Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Yes, she's really a bad person. Those who cheat are bad. But always open your heart for forgiveness. It's better if you will give your self some space or got to the place far from her. If she really loves you and sincere, she'll wait until you can trust her again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I been where you are. it sucks. I know everyone in your family and hers is making you out to be a cold fish or a goody-too shoes and your right if she doesnt experience any consequences how will she know what she did was wrong? You are absolutely right to feel the way you do. You was betrayed in the worse way by the woman who promised you faithfulness when she married you. And not only did she continue the affair when she was caught the first time in the EA part she F-ed him behind your back when she knew she was in the wrong in the first place. And now that the affair is over she wants YOU back??? OMFG, I mean when she had achance of fixing things did she do it/. no, she did what she wanted to do. and now that you had enough of this crap. Your in the wrong??? WTF are you kidding me? You do need time to have a clear head before you make any final decisions. What has she done in her actions to make you want to come back to the marriage? Has she shown you in her ACTIONS that she wants you to be a family again. But on the flipside, if you have no kids and it was a relatively young marriage, then by all accounts, you really dont have no incentive to be married, who's to say that if you reconsile she wont find an excuse and cheat again. No matter what one spouse does cheating is a choice. She made that choice. No one put a gun to her head and made her sleep with the next dude. She needs to own that. And not put it on you!!!
GorillaTheater Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Looks like GorillaTheater and I have conflicting ideas but I don't think that he's wrong in what he is saying. You need to to look at the problem from all angles, factor in everything other people are saying, see what you need in your life and what your beliefs are and then eventually you'll come to a decision that YOU need. And on this we certainly agree. Thatguy, I see you being subjected to alot of unreasonable pressure from, the way you describe it, nearly everyone around you. I may be somewhat reactionary and contrary by nature so my inclination would be to do the opposite of what I'm being pressured to do, and obviously that's not the best way to handle all situations (though I'm unconvinced it would be the wrong way to handle THIS situation). But where Logik and I agree is that you need to make the best decisions for you, and you alone, and in your own time.
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Only people who matter to one can 'pressure' one. The job is for them to matter less. Good work when you can find it. I recommend it. Start with your W, move on to her family and then your family. I'd rather be alone and healthy than surrounded by manipulating, self-interested people, wouldn't you? No one who truly cares about you would pressure (manipulate) you into anything. Others might disagree, but I firmly believe in this philosophy and sleep real good at night.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 f my life... Your life isnt over, dont feel that way...
carhill Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 OP, yeah, f that life. Anger flows from hurt. Both are strong emotions which can focus you to action. Redefine that life so 'f' isn't a part of it. You can do it
reddog63 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I have posted a few threads here about my situation, but now I have a new problem. Short story: 24, Married, No kids. Wife had a year-long EA which eventually lead to her spending the night with him behind my back. I caught her, she lied, but then eventually told me she met with him, spent the night, kissed, touched, oral sex, etc, but adamately insisted no full blown sex (which I still have a hard time believing, and it doesn't matter anyway). Watched her go through an emotional spiral - crying, begging, threatening suicide, panic attacks, apologies, promises, yada yada. I still loved her so I take her back. Few months later I find text message sex convo between her and a new guy. Even though I think I caught it before it developed into anything more, I was still angry, hurt, etc. I tried to make myself happy with her and suppressed my feelings, but one day snapped and told her I didn't want to be with her. What I'm going through: (Is this normal?) I've done the emotional rollercoaster thing where some days I want her, some days I despise her. Some days I love her, some days I hate her. She's spent the last 2 weeks with her sister, so I've had a lot of time to think by myself. I've started to grow more attracted to other women and less attracted to her. I get upset when she calls, texts, emails me (which happens throughout the day). We've been to MC together - I still feel like I am out. Both of our families are pressuring me into working it out, but thats ridiculous to me. It angers me that working it out means my spouse can do whatever the hell she wants to do, and not have any penalty for it. Blame has been put on me ALREADY by multiple family members saying if we don't work out, it's because I chose not to try. I like how I am blamed for this whole thing. Some people have said I am verbally abusive because I choose not to respond to her phone calls and texts throughout the day. Also, they are telling her I'm abusive because I told her "You are a bad person", the moment I found her text messages. I've never called at her, cursed her out, hit her, threatened her, or anything, but because in my rage I said "YOU ARE A BAD PERSON"... Now I'm abusive. People are telling her she should be mad with me, take me for all I've got, pull mean pranks on me, and other vindictive things. SERIOUSLY? My own Parents say I'll me screwing up if I don't try to make it work. Its a good thing I have some good friends that are just making sure I'm ok. They haven't talked about her much at all, just talked about me. They make sure I have a place to stay and haven't told me to stay or leave, but they are there if I need them for anything. They listen, share their stories and try to take me out with them to take my mind off things. End of the day I am torn to pieces. I never wanted any of this. I admittidly do miss her, but I feel that I'd be an absolute fool for staying. She again has promised me the world, says she loves me, will do whatever it takes, etc. I don't know what to think of all this. A huge part of me still feels like she doesn't understand what I'm going through. She will get mad at me for being distant, sad and depressed. When we go to MC she never wants to tell the full story. When she goes to friends for help she never tells the full story. She's ashamed, yet at the same time I've seen some of her e-mails to other people which come off with a lot of anger towards me. I don't really feel shes sorry. I just don't think she gets it. I don't want to be with her right now at all. I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I will want to be with her in the future, but right now I can't stand her. I can't stand looking, talking or being in the same room with her. I despise the little quirks she has that I used to find cute. It tears me up so bad. We have been apart for a couple weeks and I don't know if I want to D. People are telling me "you are still married! Don't talk to any other girls!" I get it... It won't fix anything between me and my wife. Fact is though it has been about 3 months since I truly enjoyed my life with my wife, and I've been aching some female attention. This is so hard. Thanks for reading. The year long affair is bad enough..............but to have sex text messages with another guy just a few months later...........that would be the deciding factor to me.
seibert253 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 She DOES NOT GIVE ULTIMATUMS. You are in the driverseat not her. Tell her you will decide what to do when YOU are ready, NOT HER. Let her know it is she that cheated not once, but twice, so right now, and in the near future, there is not way you will trust her. She may or may not have the opportunity to win back that trust, but it is on your terms, not hers. With the way she's acting, it doesn't seem to me she's really into repairing your marriage. She sounds extremely selfish. You really need to consider if she's truly remorseful and sorry for what she did. Has she done anything to show this. Yeah she went to MC, big deal. She can lie to her counseler just like she lied to you. She needs to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. If she's not willing to give 100% into fixing her, and fixing what she did, she needs to go.
Steadfast Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 The reason you're on an emotional roller coaster is because you still love her...you're still in love with her. It's OK! Don't 'feel bad about feeling bad'. If you didn't feel mixed, emotions up and down and confusion there would be something wrong with you. Give yourself a break; she did this. My advice is to stay away and let yourself heal some. Try to condition yourself to be kind and thoughtful towards her, but only for your peace of mind. No games. Repeat: NO GAMES. Be real. Try to clear your head. Sadly, if she's cheated in the past, it's almost a certainly that she'll do it again. That's the way it works. It isn't you, it's her. The reason you want female attention is to reaffirm to yourself that your attractive and desirable to other women. This will not go away. It is part of your basic nature and is one of the hardest things to work through. Just do the right things for the right reasons. In time, if you divorce, you'll go through a rebound or two and then? Who knows. Plenty of fish dude. Plenty. Decide what you can live with, and can't, then act on it. Do not let her influence you in any way. Don't listen to it. Let you decide for YOU. Good luck-
Author thatguy85 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 I'm just worried that the grass won't be greener and I'll wish I had stayed. BUT, I am still angry, hurt and want to leave.
seibert253 Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 That, Her cheating is NOT YOUR FAULT. You had no say in the matter. If family or anyone says it's your fault, remind them of that. Yes you are probably at fault for 50% of your marriage problems, but your WW is 100% responsible for her affair. Your fault, please. Here's your response to that; "I'm sorry but you are incorrect, her sleeping and corralling with someone outside of our marriage is no justification for ANYTHING I did to her". "Besides, you only know what's she wants you to know, you do not know EVERYTHING". You are still hurt, angry, and confused by all of this. These are natural reactions. That, Are you getting any professional counseling in regards to all of this. You really need to. Listen, no one knows you better than you. If you need time away from your wife to digest all of this, then take it. Do not be bullied or rushed into ANY decisions. If your wife really loves you, is remorseful, and wants to fix this, she will wait and give you time to heal. Because that's what you need right now, time.
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