please_help_me35 Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 My boyfriend of just over a couple of months has hit me with something that I don't know how to deal with. He has questioned my integrity and honesty when it comes to birth control and being careful not to get pregnant, and this just came up out of the blue and I feel hurt and insulted, but I'm also wondering if maybe there is "more" to this than I know? Although I've always been one to wait a significant amount of time before having sex with someone I'm dating/growing into a relationship with, things moved more quickly for us...despite the fact that I feel he was quite pushy in this regard. Our relationship started off very intense. We were both happy to have found someone who was on the same page in life....ready to find the right person, wanting to settle down and marry and start having kids before we're too old (both 35). On the first occasion we had sex, he was well aware that I was not yet on the Pill. We didn't have any condoms and I am allergic to them anyway, so believe me, I did not want to do something stupid. But we were fooling around. I kept telling him to make sure his penis didn't even get CLOSE to down there...you see, I have always had a morbid fear of getting pregnant outside of marriage.......because with that comes devastation, to me anyway..and he was aware of how I felt. I would not want to be a single mom trying to survive, or if the guy did want to "do the right thing and marry me", I would have to spend the rest of my life knowing he only married me out of "obligation" and I would always wonder inside if he'd have married me otherwise. I am a very sensitive person this way, and I want to do things the "right way"..I already had one bad marriage and I have patiently searched all these years for the right person.......I suppose if I was the type who just wanted a husband and to have babies, I could have picked anyone....but these things mean so much to me, I have been careful and cautious. anyway, he knew how i felt about this. So that first time, he was just quite pushy....and things just happened, and yes, we had unprotected sex (he pulled out). The minute it was over, I felt a knot in my stomach and I rolled over and started to cry and said "now I'm going to have to worry about being pregnant, why did we do that?"......he hugged me and reassured me and told me that even if I did get pregnant "it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world"....which I thought was kind of nutty because we hadn't known each other that long, how could he even SAY it wouldn't be that bad to have a child together..... Anyway, once my period came, I went to the doctor and got a Rx for the Pill. I'm on the progestin-only pill (Micronor)....you are safe to start having sex 48 hrs after starting it (it's not like the Combined Estrogen/Progestin pills where you're to use a back-up method for the first pack). SO we did. Let's just say that I'm in the healthcare profession and I made sure I knew what I was doing and how this pill worked. IN fact, I had researched all kinds of methods of birth control prior to choosing this one, this isn't something I take lightly. And he knew this. Well now it comes up last night that he doesn't want to cum in me when we have sex, because I could still get pregnant. I told him, quite shocked, that this pill is 99.5% effective if taken correctly, which I DO (for god's sake!). He said, "well how do I know for sure you do? I'm not there each day to see you take it" You could have knocked me over with a feather. I told him that no guy had ever questioned my honesty or integrity and did he think I was some skank who would accidentally get pregnant just to trap him or something? Where was all this coming from, I asked. He just went on about how he has to think of his own future....... So I told him that if he's suddenly so afraid of bringing an unwanted child into the mix, then why was he so freaking gungho to have UNPROTECTED sex within the first 2 weeks of us being together? His response, "well geez, I couldn't help myself, you're a gorgeous woman" So now he says he will not cum in me...despite me being on the pill. I should add too that over the past 2 weeks or more, we haven't had intercourse...and I wondered why he was turning down my advances.......of course he didn't dare turn down getting a blowjob. So now the truth comes out......he doesn't trust me. I am crushed. My feeling is, what business do we even have, having sex if you have such little trust for me? I don't even know if I can continue to be with a man who has such little trust. I think it would affect sex, I would have it running through the back of my mind while we'd be having it that he's worrying about me getting pregnant intentionally. I have never encountered this before. I've even dated men in the past who were adamant about not wanting more kids (they already had some, and I was then at a stage where I didn't think I wanted kids, either)...and they totally trusted me when I told them I'd gone on the Pill and was very careful and smart. My boyfriend now, I told this to him and he says "well they must have been f*cking stupid then" I think deep down that he is not sure about me, and worries that if I did get pregnant, that he'd be connected to me for the rest of his life..so in other words, he has doubts about whether I'm someone he could see having a future with. So that being said, I feel that if THIS is the case, we have no business having sex...because as 2 adults, we both know that even the Pill isn't 100% effective, and what if I DID somehow get pregnant..then I would have to spend the rest of my life feeling that, or being accused of, having allowed myself to get pregnant? I am just so hurt. This also coming from a guy who had a very checkered, promiscuous past years ago....who obviously didn't worry about getting anyone pregnant then. Should I just walk?
SoleMate Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Ouch! A painful story. It's about trust, responsibility, and also perhaps about your boyfriend's lack of tact. I actually do think it's wise for men to share in the responsibility for birth control. Lots of men seem to feel that saying "I hope you're using something cause I sure ain't paying no child support" is the sum total of their responsibility. Your boyfriend is not leaving all the responsibility on you, which is...good, right? Yet he was so rude in the way he brought this up. He could have said, "The 0.5% chance still scares me" or "What if you accidentally forget?" Then you could have discussed this calmly. Instead, he accuses you of bad faith. Some say, he who accuses another, is actually accusing himself. Is the rest of your relationship good? Do you want a future with him, or just some fun for now?
midori Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 I don't know but it sounds to me like this guy is looking for an out. He's deliberately messing up your sex life for no good reason. If he were that concerned about risks, he could bring some spermicidal jelly, just one of many options to be doubly sure that there was no risk of pregnancy. I must say that I also really dislike the way he pushed intercourse on you the first time. If you're crying after having sex with someone, something is wrong. That in and of itself doesn't bode well for your relationship with this guy. And paired with his current weirdness it makes me think that he is nowhere near ready to settle down and get married, etc., despite what he said early on. He might like to think that he's ready, but it sure doesn't sound like he is: he's not sensitive or considerate (pushing you to agree to unprotected sex), he's not able to trust you on a very fundamental thing (though I agree with the above post, it's good that he's thinking about it -- although a bit late), and it sounds like he's trying to passive-aggressively sabotage the relationship. If you break up with him (and I rather think you should) he will protest and make is seem like that's the last thing he wants. But I think it is what he wants. He's just not willing to shoulder the blame and burden for ending a relationship with a fantastic woman. Yikes. Good luck whatever you decide, but for what it's worth I think you should end this relationship. In fact I think it will end whether or not you're willing to initiate the break-up. It's just a question of how much of his nonsense you're willing to take, and for how long.
moimeme Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Listen to your instincts. They are telling you, quite rightly, that you have got yourself a real case. He has been far too capricious in the short time you've been together. Him getting you to have sex when you didn't want to that first time was the first warning sign and now this. Don't do what so many of us have done; ignore the warning signs and regret it later. Cut your losses now, before he can cause you any more grief.
please_help_me35 Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Thanks ladies, for taking the time to respond here because this has really been eating away at me. In the beginning this guy was so into me, he couldn't stop telling me how happy he was, how great I was, how he envisioned a future together because I seemed like the "one" he'd been waiting for, all these years. He made many references to where we'd be down the line, asking me where I saw "us" a year from then, wanting to ensure we were "exclusive" and even wondering if he could go ahead and refer to me as his "girlfriend." Slowly over time, things started to fizzle somewhat. I attributed it all to him becoming "comfortable" with us, but maybe too comfortable, to the point of being complacent. We do have a lot of differences, and they're ones I can't seem to move past, and he does acknowledge that he doesn't treat me the best.....and that I have very valid points, but in the next breath he tells me that he's 35 and not likely to go changing any time soon, or at least, not at the rate that I need. He's overwhelmed at the amount of "issues" I've brought up in this short period of time......and he's admitted that maybe he needs to just be single to "work on himself"......and finds himself wondering if this is a good thing for us to have so many issues at this early stage of the game, or is it maybe a good thing, because we're getting them all sorted out now so that we can go onto have a good relationship where we better understand each other. Our biggest differences: 1) he views sex as "an amusement park" (his words). When speaking about it, or his past, he uses words like "bang" and "nail" and crude ways to describe it. Like I said, he's had a promiscuous past in his early 20s, where he's admitted to having slept with married women, many one night stands, a threesome that I was told about twice in graphic detail (despite the look of cringing on my face). I sense that he's someone who's never learned the beauty or meaning of sex...that to him it's just wild and fun and dirty and similar to something in a porn. For me, I have never been promiscuous, I've never had a one night stand, I've always respected myself and my body and I only ever had sex (until him) with someone I loved/who loved me, within the confines of a serious, monogamous relationship. Not always, but sometimes I like romantic sex....with candles and soft music and being able to look each other in the eye......and feeling "love" and the ultimate closeness of 2 bodies......and not being able to keep from telling the other person "I love you" because you are so emotionally and spiritually in sync at that moment. I'm not sure he could ever view sex this way, as it's meant to be viewed (IMO). He's had a habit, too, of divulging details about sexual acts he's done with past women and I've told him that it's grossed me out, that I don't need to know this stuff...and he admits he shouldn't but says he stupidly just blurts it out, that he likes talking about sex and he obviously doesn't think before he speaks. He acknowledges that this is a problem with him, but on the other hand, sounds like he's not sure if he can change this part of "who" he is. We are talking a grown man here. I think he views sex as something cheap and meaningless. 2) We don't "do things" like a normal couple do. I have brought this up a few times, how he's never taken me out on a real date yet....that the focus of our relationship is time spent together eating dinner at the coffee table, watching TV (I'm not a huge TV watcher, I find it mostly mindless crap, except for the news or documentaries), him falling asleep and us going to bed. In the beginning, our second date, he took me for a 4 hour drive and it was fantastic because I love that kind of thing. On our 3rd date, we met at one of my favorite home decor stores and we spent the afternoon together, had lunch. This was back when he was very very very smitten with me and things were intense. Since then, it's been nothing. And that's bothered me. Now our schedules don't always jive very well, but I still think if he cared about me and thought I was worth something to him, he would take the lead and suggest we do something. He now says that there's no reason why I can't suggest something. Which I guess is true, I never looked at it like that, but I"m used to, at least in the beginning of a relationship, the guy "courting me" and taking more of the lead. He just seems content to be couch potatoes. He's admitted in the past that he's sorry for not having taken me out on a real date, and he's acknowledged that, but still he's never done anything about it. 3) A recent "episode" began last Wednesday when we were talking on the phone and I asked a question he didn't like, and he got all snotty and sarcastic with me and began to raise his voice a little.....(he had done this once before) and I told him right there and then that if he was going to talk down to me like that, I was going to hang up. He just started talking over me and I felt I couldn't get a word in edgewise, he was becoming more defensive and hostile, so I did just that..I hung up. This is something that he despises, people hanging up when the topic gets hot. (His brother hung up on him in the past and my BF was furious with him for a few days). Anyway, we didn't speak for 3 full days after I hung up......I didn't call him because I figured he owed me an apology for talking to me like that, and he didn't call me because he figured that because I hung up on him, I owed him one. Frankly after 3 days, I figured it was over because I was even emailing him and he wouldn't respond. My issue with this "voice raising" thing goes back to my past. I have been in abusive relationships and was in an abusive relationship. I feel that when a guy doesn't respect you enough to talk civily to you, it's a slippery slope from there...and after all the hell I went through in my marriage, I would be a fool to tolerate that kind of thing now. I tried to explain that to him and he got angry with me...and told me that if I have "issues from my ex husband" that they are "your issues"...and that he shouldn't raise his voice to me because "it's wrong", and NOT ANYTHING to do with how my ex husband was to me, because he shouldn't be made to feel that I'm putting him down on the level of my ex husband. So now he thinks I have all this baggage from my marriage. That's not true at all. Yes, it does remind me of being with my husband when I hear him raise his voice to me and get all sarcastic and snotty....and I've told him as much, but isn't that logical? Why would i want to go back to a place that was hellish? He says although he knows it's wrong to do that, he's only human and he's not going to be able to guarantee that he'll never yell at me or raise his voice...and that he doesn't know if he wants to invest time with someone (me) who will just dump him down the road, should he "slip up." I interpret this as him really not taking full responsibility for disrespecting me and not being sensitive to my past and what I had to endure. He keeps saying that he doubts he's ever going to live up to my expectations......but I feel that I'm not asking for much except common sense respect....something a 35 yr old man should understand the concept of. I told him that surely my issues with him are not "new"...that his past long term girlfriends must have had these same/similar issues..and he indicates that I'm the first one to have these problems. I find that hard to believe but maybe I am too uptight or do expect too much? I just don't know.
moimeme Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Here's the deal. You met this guy and it was intense. You got physical too early. You *really* want a relationship and you *really* want THIS one to be THE one because you're sick of not having anybody. You have all these things going wrong but you rationalize them away for the sake of that first intensity because you want that to be true and the bad stuff to not be true. You don't not know. You do know exactly that if a relationship can't be good in the early stages, when people are supposedly on their best behaviour, it is only going to go downhill from this. Admit to yourself this is another dead end. Quit now. Move on. That initial intensity was an illusion and all these issues are the truth. We twist ourselves into knots to try to recoup those early heady moments of relationships as though those are reality. They aren't. They are the first ecstacies of hope before reality intrudes to betray their lack of solid foundations. Don't try to keep this very bad relationship alive in the hope of a few more of those moments. It's like the addict's high; subsequent 'hits' are sought in hope of regaining those first highs but those first great rushes are never felt again. Go cold turkey and do it right away. The more sex you have with this guy, the more you will be bonded to him. Why should you listen to me? Because I've been exactly where you are for exactly those reasons. And I'm only just starting to feel human again after all the difficulties I went through with him. Take it from me: FLEE.
please_help_me35 Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Originally posted by SoleMate Ouch! A painful story. It's about trust, responsibility, and also perhaps about your boyfriend's lack of tact. I actually do think it's wise for men to share in the responsibility for birth control. Lots of men seem to feel that saying "I hope you're using something cause I sure ain't paying no child support" is the sum total of their responsibility. Your boyfriend is not leaving all the responsibility on you, which is...good, right? Yet he was so rude in the way he brought this up. He could have said, "The 0.5% chance still scares me" or "What if you accidentally forget?" Then you could have discussed this calmly. Instead, he accuses you of bad faith. Some say, he who accuses another, is actually accusing himself. Is the rest of your relationship good? Do you want a future with him, or just some fun for now? The thing is, I asked him how he handled things in his past relationships..was he this untrusting with them? I even point blank asked him about his past 4 yr long relationship....did he insist they used condoms while she was on the pill, their entire relationship? Or at what point did he feel "safe"? He stated that they used condoms for the first 2 months, while she was getting on the pill..and that after the 2 months and she had been on the pill for a month, they just had normal sex and he didn't worry. So why is it different with me, then? I am a nurse. I am not stupid. I would never make a careless mistake or set myself up for a life changing/shattering "unplanned pregnancy" and all the havoc that would go with it...the risk of the guy leaving me high and dry, and trying to raise a baby on my own, the embarassment of colleagues and family wondering how a nurse wouldn't "know better than to take better precautions", etc......I am very traditional in the sense that I would never ever be one to choose to have a baby outside of marriage. I surely don't judge anyone who does, please know that, but for me, that's not what I want for my life if I can help it. Just to better explain this, years ago I was in a 3 yr relationship and my period was late (I was on the pill). I worried myself sick. This WAS a guy who would have "done the right thing", we had a definite history and good relationship.....but I still went out and bought pregnancy test after pregnancy test..because I was almost paranoid about whether they were really true "negative" readings. It wouldn't have been the end of the world, in our situation, had I become pregnant, but to me it would have been. I would never EVER want any guy to feel like I trapped him into marrying me. I want someone to marry me for only one reason: because they love me more than anyone in the world, they are my best friend, they can't imagine spending the rest of their life with anyone else. And my current boyfriend knows this....but he subtly implies that maybe I'm just saying all this? I do know that his younger brother (a year younger) ended up being trapped. He'd been in a bad relationship, it ended, the gal ended up seducing him back, she got pregnant right away, the brother "did the right thing" and before you know it, she was pregnant again......to make a long story short, she was a deadbeat mom and he got custody of the 2 kids....and raised them alone all those years. Makes me wonder if my boyfriend's brother has "warned him to be careful"...... But Good GOD! He shouldn't be having sex with me if he's so unsure of my character, that's how I look at it. *I* would never have sex with someone I didn't trust...whose character i questioned. But maybe that's just me. The biggest thing is....I enjoy having sex when the guy cums in me. I can't explain it but I much prefer that to him shooting all over me. For him to cum in me, it's like he felt free to do so, oh I can't explain it. Incidentally, since going on the Pill, twice when we had sex, he DID cum in me. but then the next couple of occcasions, he didn't, and yes, I was confused and hurt. And he would jump out of bed ASAP to grab a towel.........knowing what I know now, likely because he was mortified that some of his cum would find it's way down to my vagina? Or that maybe I'd stupidly PUT SOME down there? Crap, I don't know. All I know is that it killed the aftersex mood totally.
please_help_me35 Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme Here's the deal. You met this guy and it was intense. You got physical too early. You *really* want a relationship and you *really* want THIS one to be THE one because you're sick of not having anybody. You have all these things going wrong but you rationalize them away for the sake of that first intensity because you want that to be true and the bad stuff to not be true. You don't not know. You do know exactly that if a relationship can't be good in the early stages, when people are supposedly on their best behaviour, it is only going to go downhill from this. Admit to yourself this is another dead end. Quit now. Move on. That initial intensity was an illusion and all these issues are the truth. We twist ourselves into knots to try to recoup those early heady moments of relationships as though those are reality. They aren't. They are the first ecstacies of hope before reality intrudes to betray their lack of solid foundations. Don't try to keep this very bad relationship alive in the hope of a few more of those moments. It's like the addict's high; subsequent 'hits' are sought in hope of regaining those first highs but those first great rushes are never felt again. Go cold turkey and do it right away. The more sex you have with this guy, the more you will be bonded to him. Why should you listen to me? Because I've been exactly where you are for exactly those reasons. And I'm only just starting to feel human again after all the difficulties I went through with him. Take it from me: FLEE. Why is it that the logical side of us KNOWS when it's time to get out or move on.....but for some of us, we can't help but cling to god knows what. The crux of the issues I've had with this guy have been his lack of respect to me.....why would I continue to give the time of day to someone, who in these early stages, I've had to POINT OUT TO HIM that he owes me more respect. He's not 15 yrs old, he's a grown man who has been in several long term relationships and should know a thing or two about how to treat a woman. What the hell causes me to hold out hope that he's magically going to just "get it" and see the light? He made me feel like I was on cloud 9 in the beginning........and I know this is very common and I tried not to lose perspective but he seemed so sincere........but over time he's become too comfortable and complacent and I've spent many a night or day feeling like he must not think I'm worth much. Why have I allowed myself to let someone make me feel this way? What is wrong with me? I don't have a lot of time left to find someone good to marry and start having kids, I am 35.....so why would I want to potentially invest precious time with someone who I probably know in my heart will lead me nowhere, but to heartache? Crap, he doesn't even want to have a normal sex life........he's questioned my integrity and character and now makes me feel like if I *DID* get pregnant, it would ruin his life to be the father of my child. How could I ever feel "close" in bed with him again........knowing that he doesn't even trust me. I have never had anyone mistrust me about anything, let alone something as serious as bringing a child into the world. He told me a story about how when he was younger, and with his long term girlfriend who was 20, she had lost her pills and hadn't taken any for 5 days.....and it wasn't until after the fact that she told him. He was trying, I guess, to explain to me how that freaked him out.......but I reminded him, "I am 35, I am an RN, I am not careless or untrustworthy". My intention with him from the start, as it's always been, has been to wait a couple of months before becoming intimate..so that we really knew each other and KNEW that we had something solid going. But he pushed and wouldn't let up. Even to the point of pointing out to me that most women would have sex on the 1st or 2nd date, making me feel like a prude or something. I had tried to explain to him that I felt that when people rushed into sex, they missed a lot of the very important and fundamental "steps" that need to be taken first......steps to get to really know each other...and that once you have sex, it takes everything to another level and from there, you can't ever go "back"...........that was really my wish for us, but he wouldn't let up.......and I guess I felt pressured. Now with this latest "pregnancy" revelation, I feel all "oogie" and like he thinks I'm some deceitful wench who will try to trap him. I have not asked for much, and I feel in some ways that he's misrepresented himself to me. The guy I started to fall for was a very active, non-couch potato type of guy who seemed to like doing things with me........but I guess once the novelty wore off, he didn't feel the need to try and "impress" me anymore, maybe because he already "had me." He says he has little experience with dating, that he's always been in long term relationships with women who were friends "first"..that he'd known for awhile prior.......but come on, you don't just start seeing a long time friend and then overnight jump into a serious relationship.......you still must do things together and see the light of day. What is making me hang on here, when there really is very little to hang on to?
midori Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Originally posted by please_help_me35 What is making me hang on here, when there really is very little to hang on to? Wishful thinking. It's easier to imagine that this guy, who you at least know (a little) and whose face is familiar, could be the one for you than it is to imagine that you will meet someone you don't know yet, under circumstances you haven't anticipated, and that this unknown, unanticipated stranger will be the one for you. That's why people hold onto the idea of their exes long after the relationship is dead and gone (says she who knows cos she's there). But often you have to let go of the bad thing before you'll be available for the good and unexpected thing. Break up with him. Then go to the holiday party of a friend of a friend. Attend a concert you're interested in but for which you usually wouldn't muster the wherewithal to check out. Do some things that are out of your way. You're more likely to find someone to be happy with that way than you are to find it with this guy.
moimeme Posted November 30, 2003 Posted November 30, 2003 Reread what I said. You are like an addict. That's what our own chemicals do to us (read up on 'oxytocin'). We get bonded - PLUS we cling tenaciously to that first hope that we had, that first glimpse of happiness we thought would continue. There is no point in turning yourself inside out trying to prove to him, us, or yourself that you can and should be trusted. There is no point in trying to figure out why it is he 'can't' trust you. Girl, GET OUT. Stop trying to figure out ways to stay, because that's what you are doing. You are trying to sort out this trust thing instead of making plans to go. This is why chemistry and lust can't be trusted. They try to persuade you that a completely inappropriate man is good for you. Quit trying to analyze this to rationalize yourself into keeping him. Forget that you're 35. You'll die young if you have to live a miserable life with a man like this. Besides, do you really want to waste good man-hunting time on him? NO.
please_help_me35 Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 I know many of you will say it's a "good thing" but it hurts just the same. He dumped me, on the phone. I had asked him if he wanted to come visit me this evening, and his abrupt, somewhat cold response (the conversation hadn't been that way prior) told me that something was up. He said, "no, not tonight. I'm tired, I don't feel like having to rush around to shower, I'm going to sleep for a couple more hours." (he worked a nightshift and got off this morning/didn't get to bed til nearly 10am, and has to work again tonight). I knew the minute I heard these words that the decision was made. We haven't seen each other for a whole week and this is a guy who will go on no sleep when it comes to his family or if there's something he wants to do......but he made it more than clear that I wasn't worth making the time for. I then asked him, "so, what is going on here, is this thing done?" And he said he didn't know. That he thought about us at work all last night, and today (how, I'm not sure, he'd have been sleeping)....and he was confused.......and he needed time to "think"...........that I make him feel so good, but then I make him feel so bad (the latter referring to when I bring to his attention how he doesn't show me the respect I think I deserve). I figure that when people think they need "time to think", they are basically just cowardly stalling the inevitable...that they want to dump you but can't bring themself to do it. I told him I would not wait for him to come up with a decision, he either wanted to be with me or he didn't...that I would not live in limbo, that that wasn't fair to me...that I deserved to be with someone who KNEW they wanted to be with me, not someone who "wasn't sure." I told him that it was obvious by his indecision that he really didn't care much about me, and I deserved to be with someone who cared about me. He then got all snotty and said that wasn't true. I then couldn't be strong anymore....I could the tears welling up in my eyes and I started to cry, and I told him I wished him the best, hoped he had a Merry Christmas, that I would not bother him again...and I hung up. So I should have been the one to end it, instead, he did...and will likely feel like the big man because of it. I feel just numb. A week ago, he was at my house, we were having a really nice dinner....laughing and talking and watching TV......and now here I sit, feeling very empty. I have lost about 4 lbs over the past several days, from not eating and being stressed and upset. I guess this coming week will be no different. I feel I had a lot to blame in this......maybe I was too "in his face" about the things he did and said that didn't show me respect. Maybe I should have just been less uptight. Maybe I shouldn't have analyzed things so much. Maybe I should have just been more fun......but I was fun, and he always commented on that...up until he started being "too comfortable" with me. This hurts.
moimeme Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 I feel I had a lot to blame in this......maybe I was too "in his face" about the things he did and said that didn't show me respect. Maybe I should have just been less uptight. Maybe I shouldn't have analyzed things so much. Maybe I should have just been more fun......but I was fun, and he always commented on that...up until he started being "too comfortable" with me. Oh, no. Don't go there. Reread your description of this guy. You do not need a man like him. I hopeyou're not in one of those 'any man better than no man' states! Do NOT blame yourself for this. Sometimes the fates have the good sense to impose on us that which we won't create for ourselves. Thank heavens he dumped you. You now are free to find a man who deserves you.
midori Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 It totally sucks. It doesn't matter whether or not the writing was on the wall. It hurts and I'm sorry you're feeling it. At least he made the decision for you, so this isn't dragging on any longer. A blessing in disguise, it truly is. The sooner this ends, the sooner you'll get over it, and the sooner you'll be open to looking for someone who is truly well-suited to you. Superficial things like both being the same age/same stage in life might give a veneer of compatibility, but this guy was not worthy of you. And I suspect he knew it. You're hurting and disappointed, understandably. But you haven't lost anything. Take care, midori
please_help_me35 Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 Thank you both, very much, for your time, your wisdom, your support...it means a lot. You both have such a wonderfully insightly way of articulating things. And you're probably right on the money, Moimeme...about fate doing that which I couldn't do. I have never been good at breaking up with someone....unless my heart isn't really connected to them. I know, in relationships like this one, that aren't good, that it's what I need to do..but I also know how I get "after" I've done the deed..the second guessing, the "feeling bad cuz I probably hurt them", then I end up apologizing and trying to take back things I shouldn't..and I end up trying to take blame that isn't mine to take. I know myself quite well. I am going to do this for myself, and hang it on the mirror in my bathroom or all over the house if I need to, reasons why he was not a good match for me..so that I don't get all caught up in missing him and focusing on the bit of good stuff: -he never took me out on a real date, despite my bringing it to his attention SEVERAL times -he spoke very crudely about sex, had crude names for even MY body parts (his pet name for me was "sweet-t!ts") -he lied to my face about some girl that had called him, at first saying he didn't recognize the number (long story) -he had the attention span of a houseplant -he never listened to me (even tonight on the phone, he was asking me a basic question about my job..something I'd told him weeks ago, something he should have already known had he paid just a little attention) -he was very much into himself....he came and went as he pleased. If he didn't feel like coming to see me, he wouldn't....whereas, I appreciated him and always was glad to fit him into my busy schedule -the whole "new" issue with him not trusting me re: birth control....so many possible reasons for that, but none of them good -raising his voice to me when angry or on the defensive -all the graphic past details of his sex life from past "chicks he banged" (quote), etc. -very much likely having no real desire to have a future with me.....probably very much just looking for a "good time" Guess that's about enough. It's so ironic....last night on the phone, he seemed to very sincerely acknowledge the 'issues' I've had with him.......and has said that he feels bad about himself.....and that he knows he has areas to work on......but on the other hand, he kept telling me that I likely deserve someone better than him.......who can give me what I need, because he will likely just continue to fail. If you care about someone, wouldn't you at least TRY? I wasn't asking for the sun and moon....just to be taken to a movie, or to not have to listen to his past sexual exploits. He wasn't all bad though....I think deep inside, he was and is an insecure guy who doesn't think much of himself......and maybe I hit too close to home. I do hope that I didn't hurt him, but I'm sure I did. I can be quite brutally honest. Thanks.
SoleMate Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 I can see why you're a nurse, you have a caring and nurturing personality as well as being intelligent. You care about other people's pain a lot. I'd rather see you care about your own. I hope you can get over this in a timely way, and then ask yourself how to spot the diagnostic signs of a pathological boyfriend in the triage phase (rather than waiting until he has been grafted into your life!). There are at least 200 men within a 5 mile radius of you right now who are free and attractive, and would be tickled pink to be able to take care of you the way you want. Good luck in recovery and moving on to discover one or more of them.
cdn Posted December 1, 2003 Posted December 1, 2003 Originally posted by please_help_me35 What is making me hang on here, when there really is very little to hang on to? I don't have a lot of time left to find someone good to marry and start having kids, I am 35 Looks like you may have answered your own question. From what I am reading, your bf's attitude about sex is just one small part of what's wrong. Tell me: if you took his sudden strange behavior about contraception out of the equation, would this be someone you'd want to spend your life with? You've already identified a fairly substantive list of "issues." More to the point, you've discussed these with your bf and he has expressed that he is disinclined to work on them. Why do you want this relationship?
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