fishbowl Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I'm asking this because I'm having this kind of problem with my boyfriend. I always felt that we were sexually incompatible, but I didn't think it was a problem until he moved in with me 4 months ago. That's when he stopped initiating, or started rejecting me when I initiated. It kills my self-esteem because I wonder if he's sexually attracted to me anymore. I've asked him this several times, in which he says 'no.' Then he gets mad at me for making the problem bigger than it should be. I know he watches porn, and I never had a problem with him watching it until now. I admit, I browsed the internet history a couple of times and it seems that he makes porn-watching a daily thing. And yet, we have sex maybe once every one or two weeks (where I initiate 95% of the time). I love him to bits, and I know he absolutely adores me. However, I wonder if he has any sexual feelings for me anymore. And it makes me wonder how important sexual love should be in a relationship. I don't know how important sex should be in a relationship. He is my first partner and ironically, I never considered myself a sexual person until he started rejecting me. So what are your thoughts? Personal experiences would be extremely helpful!
Hkizzle Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 It shouldn't be the foundation to a relationship. But if the sex life is bad it can usually lead to a couple breaking up. I mean it's already causing stress for you. Before I broke up with my ex GF I lost interest in her sexually for about 6 months, and I'm a pretty sexually active person, so I knew something wasn't right. Like your boyfriend I was watching a lot of porn instead. You should ask your boyfriend if there's something you are not doing right in bed that's stopping his desire for sex. Better get to the root of it all, a couples sex life is a good barometer for the health of the relationship itself.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Eek, bad news. As for what sex "should" be -- if it's important to you, it is. I prefer to have sex daily, and if I'm not having it with my man at least every other day, I'm not happy. If I were in your position, I'd completely stop initiating and start creating my own sexual fantasy life, centering around masturbation, porn, erotica, whatever floats your boat.
aerogurl87 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 It shouldn't be the foundation to a relationship. But if the sex life is bad it can usually lead to a couple breaking up. I mean it's already causing stress for you. Before I broke up with my ex GF I lost interest in her sexually for about 6 months, and I'm a pretty sexually active person, so I knew something wasn't right. Like your boyfriend I was watching a lot of porn instead. You should ask your boyfriend if there's something you are not doing right in bed that's stopping his desire for sex. Better get to the root of it all, a couples sex life is a good barometer for the health of the relationship itself. I gotta agree with Hkizzle. Sex shouldn't be your relationship's foundation (a good friendship should be though), but it is a great indicator of where the relationship is currently and where it's headed. Most people can't fake enthusiasm for sex with someone if the attraction isn't there, and usually enthusiasm for sex in a relationship correlates to the enthusiasm someone has for being with their partner. Or maybe he's a porn addict.
EcstasyX6 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Eek, bad news. As for what sex "should" be -- if it's important to you, it is. I prefer to have sex daily, and if I'm not having it with my man at least every other day, I'm not happy. If I were in your position, I'd completely stop initiating and start creating my own sexual fantasy life, centering around masturbation, porn, erotica, whatever floats your boat. I'm like Ruby, for me it needs to be regular for me to be happy. Some people have higher sex drives than others, and it's sure nice when they match. It sounds as if he may be using the porn as a means to avoid intimacy. My ex used to do that because he was afraid that he couldn't satisfy me fully which I found interesting. Here he had this sexy passionate woman, almost begging for sex, and he was going off....ya know...a few times a week instead of coming to me. His fears got the best of him.
redhighheels Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 When one of my exes started rejecting me sexually, I knew it was the beginning of the end for us. Sex isn't called making love for nothing - it makes love.
Author fishbowl Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Thanks for all the replies! I really appreciate all the feedback! Porn addiction. Me and my boyfriend shared our thoughts on porn a while ago. He believed that porn is used for self-pleasure, and it's a way for a person to pleasure him/herself without having to worry about pleasuring his/her partner. I wonder if that ties in with this fear of intimacy you're talking about, EcstasyX6. He has also brought up the fact that I get too aggressive when I initiate sex, which apparently turns him off. However, I've tried toning it down to more subtle seductions, like playing with myself or stripping down in front of him, and he still rejects me from time to time. It has come to the point where I don't even bother to get "creative" anymore because now, I have a fear of getting shot down. Overall, I'm getting frustrated from making the first move all the time. I like feeling desired, as well. Ruby Slippers, your suggestion on self-pleasure is interesting. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend over this. We just moved in! And I want to be understanding. I'm sure he doesn't like feeling pressured for sex. I just wish there was a way to fix this problem without having to move on. We have a really great relationship, other than this. Also, I've tried to get off on porn and masturbation and it just makes me want to have the real thing even more, haha! It's so frustrating.
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I am a sexual person. Anybody that has dated me can tell you that - I'm a freaking tiger. So with my xbf, who was NOT a sexual person, the frustration just built. It killed any attraction I had for him and I actually started to dread the thought of having sex with him. Your bf, I am sorry to say - sounds selfish. To say that he likes porn because he doesn't have to worry about pleasuring you. I wouldn't be able to tolerate such an attitude, but everyone has their own dealbreakers. That one would be a HUGE turn-off for me. I get off on pleasuring my partner even moreso than myself.
Ruby Slippers Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Yep, I had a relationship with "the perfect guy," who wanted to marry me, "take care of me", whatever. But he had some sexual hangups and nowhere near the drive that I do. I tried to be happy with what we had, but I never was, and eventually I started daydreaming about sex with other people -- which I had never done before while in a relationship. The lack of sex is what broke us up. If he doesn't take care of bizness, your mind is probably going to start to wander right out of the relationship.
seoa Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Porn addiction. Me and my boyfriend shared our thoughts on porn a while ago. He believed that porn is used for self-pleasure, and it's a way for a person to pleasure him/herself without having to worry about pleasuring his/her partner. This says it all... It could be he's incredibly selfish, it could be he has inadequacy issues, it could be that he's losing interest... None of these are good, and they won't get better while he's making it your problem... There's a thread in the 'marriage' section called 'Love my wife, but not attracted to her' (by typesafe) - it's near the top today... He starts by blaming his wife for being "too fat", and ends by going cold-turkey on his porn, and rediscovering his attraction for her... Have a read, and then think about how you wanna approach your bf about this... Your bf is choosing the porn *instead* of you - it's basically him being unfaithful, and you need to deal with it as such...
mr.dream merchant Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Sex is important. If my GF isn't putting out as much as I'd like I'd let her know its an issue. Some girls detest porn but at times when she's not putting out, porn is a great outlet. Most guys will tell you that. ****, it can even lower the chances of your man cheating on you. But as for the OP, your BF sounds like he's only about "his" and not getting you "yours" once, twice, or several times. This is a state of mind I don't understand. Personally, getting my partner off is way more fun and hot to me than just getting mine. I guess I get mine seeing her get hers repeatedly.
whiteberry Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 For me, not that important. If you're not married with the guy, sex is not needed or should not be done.
My_Lil_Pumpkin Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 It shouldn't be the foundation to a relationship. But if the sex life is bad it can usually lead to a couple breaking up. I mean it's already causing stress for you. Before I broke up with my ex GF I lost interest in her sexually for about 6 months, and I'm a pretty sexually active person, so I knew something wasn't right. Like your boyfriend I was watching a lot of porn instead. You should ask your boyfriend if there's something you are not doing right in bed that's stopping his desire for sex. Better get to the root of it all, a couples sex life is a good barometer for the health of the relationship itself. I gotta agree with Hkizzle. Sex shouldn't be your relationship's foundation (a good friendship should be though), but it is a great indicator of where the relationship is currently and where it's headed. Most people can't fake enthusiasm for sex with someone if the attraction isn't there, and usually enthusiasm for sex in a relationship correlates to the enthusiasm someone has for being with their partner. Or maybe he's a porn addict. I agree with you both on that one. My ex-boyfriend and I did not have sex that much at all over the course of 7 years. He said it wasn't the main focus of our relationship. I know there wasn't anything wrong with me sexually. He never cheated nor did he watch porn all that much. He simply wasn't interested a whole lot in sex. So add that to the not working and drinking like a Kennedy most nights it was time for him to go.
Rollercoasterr Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I'd like to know what kind of porn he's watching that isn't aggressive. That sounds odd to me since generally, in porn women are used as playthings. When my fiance is here we have sex 2-3 times a day. We're both just very very sexually driven and can't really keep our hands off each other. At first I thought it was because we're LDR, but we were just together for a whole month and the only time that we didn't have sex multiple times a day was when he was really sick. I'd be a little worried about this if I were you.
Author fishbowl Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 My_Lil_Pumpkin, my boyfriend is preaching the same exact words to me, that sex isn't the main focus of our relationship. I agree that it shouldn't be. I just get so baffled that he watches porn daily rather than have the real thing. Clearly, he still has a sex drive but he doesn't feel like acting on it with me. Gosh, writing that out sure hurts a girl's self-esteem. Ugh. I have asked him on so many accounts if I satisfy him and that I'm willing to experiment if it's become too routine, and he says that I do satisfy him. Either he's lying or he's refusing to admit something. I read on another similar thread, that when the sex is good, it's only 10% important to a relationship. When it's bad, it's 90%. No truer words have been spoken. I don't even know if I am a sexual person, or if I need to have sex every day. He is the first guy I have ever slept with and before that, I wasn't really into sex either. If I knew, then maybe I could finally decide what to do with this relationship. From reading all these personal accounts, there doesn't seem to be any solution to sexual incompatibility except to end the relationship
seoa Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 From reading all these personal accounts, there doesn't seem to be any solution to sexual incompatibility except to end the relationship I'm not sure you're really hearing what some of us are saying... It sounds (from what you've described) as if the problem here is NOT incompatibility - it's unfaithfulness... In this case, your bf is choosing other women (the 2D kind) over you... he is basically 'sleeping around'... (Side note: I'm not starting the argument about whether *all* porn is bad - I'm specifically talking about this one couple here...) Are you willing to be in a relationship with your bf where you get the 'boyfriend' benefits (company, conversation, etc), and he sleeps with someone else...?
fatamus Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 Depends on the person. At least daily for me, as much as 6 times a day when new relationship gets going.
Author fishbowl Posted October 7, 2009 Author Posted October 7, 2009 Are you willing to be in a relationship with your bf where you get the 'boyfriend' benefits (company, conversation, etc), and he sleeps with someone else...? seoa, I don't think it could go to such extremes as that but I get what you're trying to say. I guess that might decide whether sex is that important to me in this relationship, considering he might be replacing me with porn. Is it a form of unfaithfulness? I don't believe so, and I never had a problem with it. But if he's satisfied with it, while I'm unsatisfied because of that, it becomes a problem for us. 'Tis best I have a sit-down and confront him with this porn business. Maybe he's a porn addict or maybe it's something else. I dunno. It's the only way to find out what his deal is.
Recommended Posts