muse08 Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 (edited) i have previous posts here about my break up from the past few days or so. why does it hurt so, when i was the one who broke up with him??? i made the decision for a few reasons.to cut it short,mainly because of a few things i wasnt happy about. i mentioned them to him and he made an effort to change some things but some things may never change due to some of his responsibilities.some of which i cannot relate to because i don't have those responsibilities. so i made the decision to end things several times with him. he would not let go.kept contacting me. we never officially got back together but would see each other periodically. he kept pressing the issue and remained in contact with me even when i kept my distance. he showed up at my job once with flowers and asked me were we still together. i was pleasant and told him we would talk. he was obssessive about calling me and wanting us to stay together every single night and sometimes wouldn't accept no. so those were a bit red-flaggish... i have always made it clear that i care for him, just as i made it clear that i cannot be in a situation where the relationship is not fair for me."if you choose to do nothing about it and keep making broken promises,i cannot stand by you or put you on my list of priorities." yes his hands may be almost tied in some regards but still... why guys, does it hurt ME so bad??? i made the decision so i should be able to deal with it better than this.so why am i hurting and missing him.he still called everyday up until last night.i was sleep and answered saying "hello,who is this?" he was like"...baby...you forgot my voice?!" me: "no, i'm just sleep". HIM: "this is *******. i just wanted to hear your voice.i love you." i said "thank you, goodnight". now although i broke it off, i miss him.he hasnt called today.neither have i because i really don't want to lead him on and i don't think i'm over him. trying to go NC but it's hard.his calls and textes would sometimes get me through tough days at work and vice versa. our chemistry was pretty hot. why do we have to make tough decisions like these. why?!!! now it's difficult getting up in the morning and coming home and not answering his calls/textes. i loved (love) him but i can't continue to be unhappy and he knows it. Edited October 7, 2009 by muse08
pinkie Posted October 7, 2009 Posted October 7, 2009 I think it hurts because you have feelings for him, but u know the relationship is wrong for you. It's almost as if he could/would have just 'done this' or 'done that'... it would have helped. But like u said, nothing changed even after you talked to him about it. (whatever it was, even out of his control). Unfortunately, we can't change who people are. We either have to accept them, ugly warts and all, or move on to the next best thing. Which sounds like u did what u had to do. U can't be the only person in the relationship trying to build a future with someone (with issues/baggage) that they refuse to work on. I know, I'm a dumper too. It hurts, I will miss him, but I deserve to be happy too, like you said.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 I think it hurts because you have feelings for him, but u know the relationship is wrong for you. It's almost as if he could/would have just 'done this' or 'done that'... it would have helped. But like u said, nothing changed even after you talked to him about it. (whatever it was, even out of his control). Unfortunately, we can't change who people are. We either have to accept them, ugly warts and all, or move on to the next best thing. Which sounds like u did what u had to do. U can't be the only person in the relationship trying to build a future with someone (with issues/baggage) that they refuse to work on. I know, I'm a dumper too. It hurts, I will miss him, but I deserve to be happy too, like you said. Enough said.. Well done.. this apply to my situation also..she said she ll change and work things out.. but nothing has changed.. we can not change someone if they dont want to change.. we cant push them to do things they do not want to do.. let them be.. one day what you are looking for will show up and thats when you ll have your time to enjoy it all.. stop looking for it.. it will come to you..one day.. hang in there.. you are not the only one..
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 thank you both for your comments. although i know i'm not the only one who has goine through this situation, it certainly feels lonely when the situation is happening to you. so i really appreciate hearing you both say that basically "this too shall pass". i have had a decent day today.done some things to make myself happy and realizing that i can be happy after he's gone. funny thing is, he is the one who pursued me and wanted to move faster in the relationship than i and wanted us to live together and have a child together and wanted me to call him more during the day than i ever felt comfortable doing...so its really weird right now.we stayed together 2 nights ago but it was because he kept insisting.however after all was said and done i refused to have sex and reminded him of why i broke up with him. havent heard from him today.i think he's finally getting the picture but it still hurts a bit to know that we probably won't be contacting one another anymore and he is probably moving on to someone else, as i will eventually i'm sure. i just wanna grieve so i can let go of him for good.
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 ive done the same thing.. talked about future and living together..however.. i used to call her everyday.. at first i didnt knew she was ignoring my calls.. and i used to call till she picked it up because i was worried that something happened but she was ignoring...at the end she said "you are up on my ass" just let him be.. dont contact him or see him at all.. there is someone out there for you.. this will pass in time.. keep yourself busy so you wont have to think about him or the situation you are going through..
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Pair bonding hormones....... When you become pair bonded to someone your hormones levels will change when you're no longer with them. Your dopamine and serotonin levels will drop and it starts to feel like mild depression. We all get it, unless there was zero emotional attachment in the first place.
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 ...yep noneoftheabove.he used to call me every day as well...not sure if i confused you.but he called me everyday and several times a day and night and through the night and early in the morning.it got to the point where i didn't think it was healthy so i backed off because it didn't make sense. he was doing all this calling and trying to make sure he spends each night with me and begs for us to get back together but cant adjust his schedule so that he's not sleepwalking through life. so i back off and he still continues just the same until 2 days ago.i kept reminding him of why i couldnt be with him.he called that night and i was sleep and asked "who is it?".he was taken by that. asked if i forgot his voice already,etc.he said "i love you".i said, "thank you...good night" and didnt call back since. sent him a text the following evening saying "thanks for giving me directions on the route home(he gave me a few days prior).hope you're having a great week" and thats it... (just venting)...
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 he might be hurt.. and cant really open himself up to you and talk about his feelings or it might be something that he wants to get it off from his chest.. i understand all that calling many times during days and nights.. learned from my mistakes.. i dont know if you read my story.. its been 3 days or so i told my ex that its all over and cut all the contacts.. but again try to understand things from his view... some guys really get emotional inside but they cant just open up.. you can ask him to give you some space.. but hey dont just tell him ' thank you goodnight' eventhough you might be hurt real bad.. take it.. tell him you are sleeping and that you can talk some other time.. im pretty sure hes hurting as well as you are.
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Pair bonding hormones....... When you become pair bonded to someone your hormones levels will change when you're no longer with them. Your dopamine and serotonin levels will drop and it starts to feel like mild depression. We all get it, unless there was zero emotional attachment in the first place. interesting...i was gonna mention "soul ties". when people get together their spirits bond.almost the same theory. i believe this to be the case. i've had this feeling before with other guys before and eventually got over it.but it really does feel like depression.i've had bouts with depression anyway,so this only intesifies my emotions. plus the relationship was draining because he always expected me to be available for him either via phone or in person when he got off work and lived near me during the beginning of our relationship. i felt smothered early on but still liked his attention. he eventually moved out on his own(brother lived with him prior to move). so around the time he moved on his own and told his brother he had to move someplace else,he also proposed to me.i told him i had to think about it.i didnt keep the ring...i couldn't. i saw many things that i knew i couldnt put up with.plus he asked me to move in with him.i never agreed to it b/c i couldnt make it that easy for him and i felt better having my own space.he still tried to stay at my place or wanted me there at his place almost everyday.but i didn't agree to it. i knew i would feel a bit like this even though i was the one to break it off.i just miss him and the "good" times. this is sad. guess i gotta charge this one to the game...
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 ...you can ask him to give you some space.. but hey dont just tell him ' thank you goodnight' eventhough you might be hurt real bad.. yeah...i guess that was kind of harsh.i have a problem being softer with my words...he has said several times that he is hurt...is there anything i can say to him at this point or what do you think?i've already said what i said...so...? it's just that i am fed up and feel insulted by the calls and his half *ss efforts to improve the issues that WERE at hand.
Hkizzle Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 interesting...i was gonna mention "soul ties". when people get together their spirits bond.almost the same theory. i believe this to be the case. i've had this feeling before with other guys before and eventually got over it.but it really does feel like depression.i've had bouts with depression anyway,so this only intesifies my emotions. plus the relationship was draining because he always expected me to be available for him either via phone or in person when he got off work and lived near me during the beginning of our relationship. i felt smothered early on but still liked his attention. he eventually moved out on his own(brother lived with him prior to move). so around the time he moved on his own and told his brother he had to move someplace else,he also proposed to me.i told him i had to think about it.i didnt keep the ring...i couldn't. i saw many things that i knew i couldnt put up with.plus he asked me to move in with him.i never agreed to it b/c i couldnt make it that easy for him and i felt better having my own space.he still tried to stay at my place or wanted me there at his place almost everyday.but i didn't agree to it. i knew i would feel a bit like this even though i was the one to break it off.i just miss him and the "good" times. this is sad. guess i gotta charge this one to the game... I'm just giving the scientific reason. For the first time in human histroy we now know the biochemistry behind love. But I mean humans have been trying to use different concepts to explain it ever since we've had written record. The Greek's invented the concept of the soul mate. We used to be creatures with 4 legs and 4 arms and 2 heads. The gods feared us and Zeus sent some lightning bolts and split us in half. Since then we've been cursed and desperately want to find our better half. Cute story huh?
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 he might be hurt.. and cant really open himself up to you and talk about his feelings or it might be something that he wants to get it off from his chest.. i understand all that calling many times during days and nights.. learned from my mistakes.. i dont know if you read my story.. its been 3 days or so i told my ex that its all over and cut all the contacts.. but again try to understand things from his view... some guys really get emotional inside but they cant just open up.. you can ask him to give you some space.. but hey dont just tell him ' thank you goodnight' eventhough you might be hurt real bad.. take it.. tell him you are sleeping and that you can talk some other time.. im pretty sure hes hurting as well as you are. i'm gonna read your story. thanks for mentioning
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 yeah...i guess that was kind of harsh.i have a problem being softer with my words...he has said several times that he is hurt...is there anything i can say to him at this point or what do you think?i've already said what i said...so...? it's just that i am fed up and feel insulted by the calls and his half *ss efforts to improve the issues that WERE at hand. you said what you said... there is no turning back..however you can tell him to stop calling or contacting you.. tell him that you and him need to do some thinking alone..tell him its going to be hard and all that but let the time take care of it..and than go from there.. dont use harsh words.. believe me they hurt like hell..i know you are hurt too and you are fed up..learn to control yourself.. dont hurt him anymore than you did or dont let him hurt you the way he did and still doing it.. best wishes
boogieboy Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 You have to verbalize to him that you have to cut him off for good. you keep seeing him, you keep seeing his missed calls and texts...really, since it hurts you so much, theres no reason to keep in contact with him. It just delays your moving on. yYou MUST tell him he can never call you again, this is it forever. You cant move on and avoid his calls, he wont give up now. You have to tell him straight up that he is never to contact you again, and tell him why. YThe guilt wont leave you until you verbalize this to him. Then if he keeps trying, you will know that he already knows.
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 you said what you said... there is no turning back..however you can tell him to stop calling or contacting you.. tell him that you and him need to do some thinking alone..tell him its going to be hard and all that but let the time take care of it..and than go from there.. dont use harsh words.. believe me they hurt like hell..i know you are hurt too and you are fed up..learn to control yourself.. dont hurt him anymore than you did or dont let him hurt you the way he did and still doing it.. best wishes now that i think about it, i did say " sorry i was sleep when you called" to him in the text the next day. but i told him that we needed to just chill several times before.trying to do NC...so i guess there really is nothing more for me to say. thanks noneoftheabove
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 You have to verbalize to him that you have to cut him off for good. you keep seeing him, you keep seeing his missed calls and texts...really, since it hurts you so much, theres no reason to keep in contact with him. It just delays your moving on. yYou MUST tell him he can never call you again, this is it forever. You cant move on and avoid his calls, he wont give up now. You have to tell him straight up that he is never to contact you again, and tell him why. YThe guilt wont leave you until you verbalize this to him. Then if he keeps trying, you will know that he already knows. yeah yeah yeah boogie, you're right...
NoneoftheAbove Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 i agree with boogie, you need to lay off all the facts to him. and explain that he cant call you or send you any texts if this continues.. change your number
Author muse08 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 i agree with boogie, you need to lay off all the facts to him. and explain that he cant call you or send you any texts if this continues.. change your number will consider that.though there may not be a need to do that. now that i think about it,he probably is hurt and/or angry. he has a personal and work phone.so he'd been using the work phone to contact me for the past 2 days because he paid part of my cell phone bill to keep it on and neglected paying all of his.so his is off right now. he's had to use his work phone which is monitored,so he doesn't use it a lot.it was a really nice thing for him to do b/c i didn't even ask him to do it.he just went to the store and paid it without telling me he was gonna do it.he knew i had a higher than usual bill this month so he just paid it then let me know.down side is that his phone is off. so he may be thinking that he sacrificed for me and i gave him the cold shoulder on the phone and resisted him sexually when i saw him last.
Author muse08 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 i agree with boogie, you need to lay off all the facts to him. and explain that he cant call you or send you any texts if this continues.. change your number well i didn't need to tell him anything. he just stopped calling and texting...nothing from him since monday. yes this will help me heal but i'm still a bit sad...str8 up.
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