"Dated" for a year, I need her back!

[RangersFC]

Here's my story, and I really need advice on how to proceed!

 

I met this girl at my workplace over a year ago. Let's name her Patrica. She had just gotten with her boyfriend Cam at the time, but there was always something there between us.

 

As time went on, this young lady confided in a friend of mine, and used to tell himhow she always wanted to date me, and that she's not very happy with Cam. Cam is lazy, a retard, smokes a ton of weed, and never takes her out. Obviously, my buddy gave me the heads up and let me know how Patrica was feeling towards me.

 

Sooner after that, Patrica and I started spending a lot of time with each other outside of our work building, and at local coffee shops. Oh, I forgot to mention. Cam worked at the same place too, but just on a different shift as Patrica and I. And Cam and Patrica lived together. So Patrica and I get closer and closer as time goes by, until finally she admits to me that she has deep feelings towards me and wants to be with me, but would have no where to live if she left Cam. By this time I had fallen in love with her, and would stop at nothing to be with her. I treated her the best I could, and showed her a good time by taking her out, and introducing her to new things.

 

Patrica and I were pretty much seeing each other behind Cam's back for about a year. And the time came when they broke up. In all honesty,

I thought she was mine after that. But she never did move out, as Cam was trying desparately to hold on to her.

To make a long story short, she switched shifts to be with him, ignored me for a few weeks and went back to him. But they eventually moved out of their apartment, and back to the separate families homes.

 

Now my issue is, since she made the decision to go back to Cam, she repeatedly makes contact with me, stops to talk to me all the time when she sees me, and when we do end up together, she acts the same way as she did, when she was ready to leave her man for me. She also admitted to my buddy, that if her and I hung out again, feelings could come back.

I feel that I can't move on with my life, cause I really do feel that she's on the brink of actually giving me the chance I never had. To this day, she texts and calls me. I am in love with this woman, but I dont know how to play this. Or to even play it at all. I tried to date around, but once Patrica found out, she has called me and texted me even more.

 

I love this girl like nothing else and the feelings for her is way stronger then my previous relationships, and I do want to be with her. Does anyone have any advice on how I should proceed with her? Do I continue to hang out with her? Do I go NC? What do I do?

 

Thanks in advance!

[fooled once]

Here's my story, and I really need advice on how to proceed!

 

I met this girl at my workplace over a year ago. Let's name her Patrica. She had just gotten with her boyfriend Cam at the time, but there was always something there between us.

 

As time went on, this young lady confided in a friend of mine, and used to tell himhow she always wanted to date me, and that she's not very happy with Cam. Cam is lazy, a retard, smokes a ton of weed, and never takes her out. Obviously, my buddy gave me the heads up and let me know how Patrica was feeling towards me.

 

Sooner after that, Patrica and I started spending a lot of time with each other outside of our work building, and at local coffee shops. Oh, I forgot to mention. Cam worked at the same place too, but just on a different shift as Patrica and I. And Cam and Patrica lived together. So Patrica and I get closer and closer as time goes by, until finally she admits to me that she has deep feelings towards me and wants to be with me, but would have no where to live if she left Cam. By this time I had fallen in love with her, and would stop at nothing to be with her. I treated her the best I could, and showed her a good time by taking her out, and introducing her to new things.

 

Patrica and I were pretty much seeing each other behind Cam's back for about a year. And the time came when they broke up. In all honesty,

I thought she was mine after that. But she never did move out, as Cam was trying desparately to hold on to her.

To make a long story short, she switched shifts to be with him, ignored me for a few weeks and went back to him. But they eventually moved out of their apartment, and back to the separate families homes.

 

Now my issue is, since she made the decision to go back to Cam, she repeatedly makes contact with me, stops to talk to me all the time when she sees me, and when we do end up together, she acts the same way as she did, when she was ready to leave her man for me. She also admitted to my buddy, that if her and I hung out again, feelings could come back.

I feel that I can't move on with my life, cause I really do feel that she's on the brink of actually giving me the chance I never had. To this day, she texts and calls me. I am in love with this woman, but I dont know how to play this. Or to even play it at all. I tried to date around, but once Patrica found out, she has called me and texted me even more.

 

I love this girl like nothing else and the feelings for her is way stronger then my previous relationships, and I do want to be with her. Does anyone have any advice on how I should proceed with her? Do I continue to hang out with her? Do I go NC? What do I do?

 

Thanks in advance!

 

In my view - I would stop trying to date her. She is loving the attention of having 2 men want her. Her ego needs the stroking and you are doing it.

 

You said you would date others and she would text you and .... and what? Did she tell you to stop dating or did you stop dating because she was giving you attention?

 

Can I make one other suggestion? It isn't related to your situation, but it was something that jumped out to me. The word r*tard. Is he truly mentally handicapped or were you just using that word in a derogatory manner? I bring this up because I have a friend with 2 handicapped children and that word, used in a derogatory manner, is offensive to many - especially to those with handicapped kids. Please rethink the use of that word, okay?

 

Back to your situation --- she sounds like she is going to stay with Cam; for now. You can either wait around for her or move on. Sounds simple, but I know it isn't when the heart is involved.

 

My advice -- stop hanging out with her. Rebound relationships don't really last and your heart is so invested now, I would hate for you to hurt more.

 

Let her go as much as you can. Don't text her, call her. Don't hang out with her. She needs to completely split with Cam before you get involved with her. I know it is hard, but it will probably best for you to go NC.

[candoit]

I think you should just make sure she is done with cam first before you proceed and if they are done you can always ask her out to a movie or dinner

[Fallen Angel]

 

Can I make one other suggestion? It isn't related to your situation, but it was something that jumped out to me. The word r*tard. Is he truly mentally handicapped or were you just using that word in a derogatory manner? I bring this up because I have a friend with 2 handicapped children and that word, used in a derogatory manner, is offensive to many - especially to those with handicapped kids. Please rethink the use of that word, okay?

 

 

APPLAUDS FOOLED!!!

 

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ~ Edmund Burke

 

Thank You Fooled, for NOT doing "nothing"!

[hopesndreams]

She does it with you, she'll do it to you.

 

Go find a girl that is not attached to another, there are plenty out there. Or, did the competition with Cam turn you on?

[RangersFC]

Can I make one other suggestion? It isn't related to your situation, but it was something that jumped out to me. The word r*tard. Is he truly mentally handicapped or were you just using that word in a derogatory manner? I bring this up because I have a friend with 2 handicapped children and that word, used in a derogatory manner, is offensive to many - especially to those with handicapped kids. Please rethink the use of that word, okay?

 

 

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. I would like to say sorry if I have offended anybody by this term. This is just how she describes him as being 99% of the time.

 

When she texts me it is usually just a "hey what's up" at first then branches out in to a full convo that last generally hours on end. The little pet names we had for eachother, not the traditional "sweetie, baby" and stuff like that, Just random names, all come back within the conversations. Talked about all the things we used to do and how she misses them so much. I have started seeing another girl that I work with in hopes of just moving on. Although this other girl is great it's just very hard when I have Patrica calling and texting. This started a few weeks before I started seeing the new girl so it's not 100% jelousy, However she has told me that she is not going to like/approve of anybody that I decide to date. That doesn't matter to me though obvisously. Also this whole situation has gone on for a little over 3 years. Two years of it was very casual talking nothing serious. The last year is when we got close. She has fights with Cam about me and she just says you can't say anything cause she has known me longer and confessed to him a few times that she has extreamly strong feelings for me. They broke up for about 4 months around December. One last thing.... I went NC from April to the end of August when she started coming around again.

Edited October 7, 2009 by RangersFC
Slight Mistake

[MistyK]

Ok, two things - you aren't really being fair to the new girl if you're still hung up on Patricia. It sounds like you're using her like a placeholder for now. Secondly - it sounds like Patricia and Cam have been over with for quite a while. Do you feel sure that it's really truly over for good with them? Maybe you should talk to her about all this.

 

As others have said though - bear in mind that you're going to have trust issues with her knowing that she cheated with you. Is it worth it to you to take that risk instead of starting fresh with someone new? IS it possible that part of your infautation with her had more to do with the fact that you couldn't have her than Patricia herself? (That is to say, are you REALLY truly in love with her, or the idealized version of her in your head). Just some things to consider.

[My_Lil_Pumpkin]

I was in a similar situation a few months ago with a co-worker and the best thing for you to do is let this girl go. She is playing games with your heart and it isn't fair to either of you.

 

I had to let "Joey" go and though it broke my heart, the pain does lessen over time.

[Devil Inside]

I don't know man...from the sounds of it she is playing with your emotions. I think that if she wanted to be with you she would.

 

Maybe you just lay it out for her. Tell her that you like her. You would like to date, but that you are not going to play games or be with her if she is attached to someone else. How she responds to that should tell you where she is at with things.

 

Good luck man.

[RangersFC]

I can say that these are great replies and is exactly what I would have done back in March when we first stopped talking. We had gone NC before that as well but only lasted 2 and 3 days. We just come back 10 times more connected then before. Back in March when I just walked away she was still living with Cam, remembering that she would call him names and say that if they didn't move in together so soon that she wouldn't be with him now. Just that she had nowhere to go. Well in this 6 months she has moved back home and has hinted to a few people that she would like to return back to my shift. I can honestly and truely say that I do love patrica, in my prior realationship I was with my ex for 4 years and the feelings I have for patrica do not even come close to what I had then. I love this girl and will do anything to be with her. I see small movements in her actions that she is coming to my side. I totally agree that I might be with the other girl as a placeholder but I do have to move on nonetheless. Patrica means the world to me and i've come so far I feel that I owe it one last time all or nothing. I'm looking for advice on what I can do to maybe be with her more and possibly have her as my girl.

[MistyK]

I'm confused, is she still with Cam or not? I took from your post that they broke up, got back together, then broke up again when they moved back in with their respective parents. It'd be helpful if you could clear this up.

[NoIDidn't]

This whole situation just sounds so orchestrated by her. She says the right thing to a mutual friend to get them to say the right things to you. She conveniently starts to spend a lot of time with you. And, then, once things have run their course, she actually switches shifts as to not deal with you and your feelings about it all (my take, not what you wrote).

 

I echo the others. She's playing with you. I know you love her, but it sounds unrequited.

 

I would leave her alone and let her find someone else to toy with.

[RangersFC]

Ok so I have an update. To settle some things now, she IS still with Cam but living away from him and still working on his shift.

 

Now, the new girl and I had a talk lastnight and I can honestly say, i'm not leading her on or anything like that. Fact of the matter is that we do care about eachother but the relationship is a dead end we are just two differant people and it won't work. We are just going to continue doing what we are doing. Having fun and enjoying eachothers company. These are her words and I agreed.

 

Patrica has text me everynight this week and we had a convo. Nothing much of anything just random talk. She then stopped by my house today for 45 minutes to show me her new clothes she just bought. She never cared about style or anything nice looking before. I got her into name brand things and changing her image. I go out with my friend and she with hers to different bars. She texts me saying that she is leaving cause she is very tired, long story short we hang out for 2 hours. She was already in bed when I pulled up and i've seen her in pj's and stuff before but she found the need to get all redressed and come outside to see me. It was my bday on Wednesday so i'm celebrating today, saturday. There is a party going on with work people too that I won't be attending as I don't care much for them. Patrica was invited and so was I. When another co-worker asked if she was going she pretty much said its my bday so she is going to see what happens. I haven't invited her. But can tell she wants to come. I can see that she is really slowly coming back to how it was.

 

Now my best friend can't stand her anymore after what she put me through. I didn't tell him anything about the situation cause I know how he is. Kind of an *******. I want her to come... It would be a lot of fun, i'm not inviting her though cause of my buddy being a dick and also if she comes and we have fun, it doesn't change anything cause she is still with Cam.

She honestly isn't smart enough to plan out how to string me along or anything like that. She is very by the moment and acts like that too.

 

I have honestly come to far to walk away and this is the last time I will pursue her however long it takes. How do I play this? What can I do to maybe have her? How do I handle my friend? Please help.

Edited October 10, 2009 by RangersFC
spelling.

[awkward]

I would tell her that you really like her and enjoy spending time with her but seeing that she is already in a relationship and that you aren't interested in playing games that you are moving on.

 

Then I would .... move on.

 

If she breaks up with her BF and comes to you, I would suggest taking it slowly. Don't profess your love for her right away.

[mimiminx]

I think that you should be done with this girl. She is putting you second best.

After all this time, she's still living with her BF too... I would say that you need to move on with your life, don't fall prey to her reeling you in emotionally, and IF she ever does actually leave her BF like she probably should have done a long time ago when she cheated with you... then maybe you can reconsider.

By then, you may not even want to though.

Here's the deal: she's walking all over you. If she wanted to be with you in the same way you do her, she would NOT be with her BF. How nice for her, she gets to have the best of both worlds.. with her guy and you pining over her. Bad situation, I'd say go NC and move on. You can find someone who is completely available and wants to be with you 100%. Right now, it's definitely not Patricia.

Good luck...

[RangersFC]

Ok so here is an update from the weekend.

As I mentioned before about wanting her to come out for my bday on saturday I wasn't going to invite her. Ended up that she was texting me all night asking how the bar was and such. She showed up! I knew she would if told her to come. Had a great night. We got dropped off at her frineds house so she could grab her car and go home and asked if I wanted to hang out and drive her home and she would drive me back. I did this. In the meantime we were in my buddy's car texting eachother so we wouldn't have to talk and have them hear us. I asked if I could kiss her, she just said "why in the car with your friends?" I held off. When we got in her car I pretty much just told her how I think she is feeling towards me. I was very straight with her and not too emotional about anything. Told her that I know she can't say the truth cause of her man, but that I know she realy likes me. I told her to stop lying to herself and relize that it is me that makes her happy. I called her out on everything. Why she texts me everynight, randomally comes by my house. I was asking her questions and she wasn't really answering. (she isn't a really open and emotional girl) but I figure if I was wrong on anything I was saying she would correct me and get angry... she didn't correct me but was just smiling and I could tell that what I was saying was exactly how she was feeling. I asked again if I could kiss her and she said yes, just a peck cause it would be more than just a kiss if we did it again. I ended up kissing her on the cheek. I then got dropped off at my house andIi asked if I had upset her or made her feel awkard, she said No and not to worry about it, its Ok. When she left I had got in my car and went to meet my friends but they were already home and I text her to come back out. (I wanted to get more out of her) we were joking around via texting about random stuff. She had just said that "she is just going to stay in, as she was already for bed. It's the Smart Decision for her" I then replied it might be the smart decision but it's not the true decision. but have a good night and we will talk soon. She said thanks and she had a lot of fun

 

Now I honestly thought that I had maybe caused tension and wouldn't hear from her again for a while, but she text me to hang out on sunday night. We went for a small cruise and just chilled out and had fun. Nothing was mentioned about the prior night!

 

I strongly feel that I am very close to getting her to open up and have something new happen. I cannot go NC as I have before and this is the last time I will be going for her. The connection is so strong I know it for a fact. I just feel that I need to do that last thing to get her to open up. She is nervous of new things and honestly has no chemistry with Cam.

 

I know she has given thought to her and I being together. She even made the point to say that it wouldn't work cause of our schedules. I know it would work cause i would make it work.

 

I really need advice from people who have been here or can just help me out. I'm not going NC again. We do work on opposite shifts, I need to keep the connection there and conversation open. PLEASE HELP! I'm so damn close!

[JumpinJimmy]

RFC, how old are you? How many LTRs have you been in? It sounds like his girl is playing you as some kind of security blanket. You will be always second choice to her, and if your okay with that, then pursue it at the expense of alot of drama and effort....or, move on to someone better.

[MistyK]

RFC, you're not close. Not by a long shot. You're telling her what you think and want her to feel. She's not telling you anything, it's a fantasy. She isn't even confirming what you're telling her she supposedly feels. She wants you to think that, she's screwing with you. There's a huge gap between you and you're filling it in with fluff because there's no real substance.

 

How do you know she has no chemistry with Cam if she doesn't speak openly? I suspect that's also part of your fantasy. Step away. Even if you do manage to "steal" her, you aren't going to like what you got.

 

She likes the attention. And obviously there's a reason she's staying with Cam. You don't have to think it's a good reason, only SHE does. And it's not like she's somehow trapped by him - they aren't married and don't even live together. The fact that she's still with him bespeaks the simple fact that she WANTS to be with him (so all that crap she told you before about being stuck cause they lived together was just that - crap).

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but this girl is going to bring you nothing but trouble. She's already turning you against your friends (you know, the ones who actually care about you and want to protect you). Pay attention to how your friends feel about her. They can see objectively when you can't.

 

If nothing else, do yourself the favor of stepping back for awhile and observing her. If she really wants to be with you, she'll put forth the effort and do what she needs to do. My guess is that she won't bother because she just likes the attention and gets off on the fact that you're running after her all the time. That will tell you all you need to know.

[RangersFC]

Hey guys! I would just like to say that all of the advise that I have received from all of you is great. It is actually what I was thinking and being told to do before I signed up. So I thank you for this. Its very hard and maybe I was just looking for hope and advise on how to win her over. Insted I got a wake up call. I think that I have to do it!

 

Don't know if I should just not text her untill she texts me. Should I ignor all texts? Should I be straight with her and say i'm going NC... What's next? Thanks again to all and I think this will be one of the last updates! Really wish it would have worked out how it was supposed to back a year ago! Oh well, that's life! Thanks again everyone

[RangersFC]

So I haven't heard from her since last Sunday. Not a text or anything. Spoke to her for 5 minutes at work. Really looking forward to seeing what the weekend brings!

 

No comments from anyone from my prior post?? That's unlike all of us loveshackers! Have a good weekend everybody!

[MistyK]

Good for you. It's best to move on and stop worrying about what she's doing or thinking.

[fooled once]

I'll ask again - how old are you?

 

Does she live at home with her parents?

 

And I totally agree with Misty - I think she is just playing a game and she has never said she likes you. This all sounds so juvenille -- the texting and not talking....

 

She has a boyfriend - let her be with her boyfriend and if they break up, then ask her out.

[RangersFC]

Sorry for not filling people in earlier, I am 26. She does live at home with her dad and step mom. She moved out 2 years ago when her parents split up. Still sees her mom all the time but lives with her dad.

 

We have spoke about how we feel towards to eachother. A little over a year ago I put it all out on the table as to how I feel about her. Wasn't asking her out or anything like that. Just thought i'd tell her how I feel. It was fine and didn't expect her to reply the way she did. We were feeling the exact same for one another. She was doing all these different things to attract my attention. She is a very easy girl to read as far as how she is feeling. I know 100 percent that she really cares for me and would like to be with me.

 

Everyone is right, I will walk away. We have gone NC a few times. Each time we do we come back 10 times more connected. It was nice to see that when we hung out last week for the first time in 6 months that the connection is STILL there. This is what makes me stick around. At the end of the day, no matter the connection, she is still with cam. Weather she wants to be or not, that's out of my control!

[MistyK]

At the end of the day, no matter the connection, she is still with cam. Weather she wants to be or not, that's out of my control!

 

Bingo. Remember this.

[RangersFC]

So its been about a week and half, still haven't heard from her, no texts or anything. At work I said hi once and she returned it with a "oh hi"

 

This chick is just all over the place. Its going to be a lot easier to continue NC than I thought!

 

She honestly pretends that she doesn't see me but she knows i'm 5 feet behind her.

 

I'm glad I came to my boiling point and relized that i'm sick of the games! If it come up I'll tell her there is no reason to talk to me. We can't be friends and she is too immature. Maybe when she relizes what she COULD have had and grows up a bit I might talk to her. Untill then..... Good luck Cam!! As much of a dummy he is.... They are both very well suited!

 

Thanks to all loveshackers!