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I love my long term partner but I no longer physically desire him

Onionskin

By Onionskin
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Onionskin Member

Onionskin

Posted
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Hi everyone. I have been with my much older boyfriend (18 years) for about 6 years now. He is my best friend and I absolutely love being with him - on all levels but one - physical.

Don't get me wrong, I could cuddle with him all day, but when it comes to more, I just do it so we won't fight. I know that sounds cruel. It's not that the sex is bad, I just... don't want to.

I tried to think back to a time when I was most attracted to him physically, what made me feel that way, and I came to the horrible realisation that I don't think I ever have been. He is the furthest any one man can be from my "type", he is a big man and has been saying for years that "this is the year I am going to lose weight" but never tries. However I have always been intensely attracted to him mentally. I was just 21 when we met, I had just come out of a very painful relationship, and he was there for me.

Over the past year or so he has been questioning me about the whole sex thing, and I haven't known what to say. I have come up with the usual headache/tired/sick/period excuses but it is getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore. He is getting angry and fed up. I don't want to lose him out of my life, I can't imagine life without him, but I don't want either of us to be in a sexless relationship either. I am only 27 and I fantasise about other people sexually. He is going to hate me if he thinks I have been lying to him all this time... but it is hard to tell someone else the truth when you can't even admit it yourself, and I have only just come to terms with it. What is the best thing to do?

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone. I have been with my much older boyfriend (18 years) for about 6 years now. He is my best friend and I absolutely love being with him - on all levels but one - physical.

Don't get me wrong, I could cuddle with him all day, but when it comes to more, I just do it so we won't fight. I know that sounds cruel. It's not that the sex is bad, I just... don't want to.

I tried to think back to a time when I was most attracted to him physically, what made me feel that way, and I came to the horrible realisation that I don't think I ever have been. He is the furthest any one man can be from my "type", he is a big man and has been saying for years that "this is the year I am going to lose weight" but never tries. However I have always been intensely attracted to him mentally. I was just 21 when we met, I had just come out of a very painful relationship, and he was there for me.

Over the past year or so he has been questioning me about the whole sex thing, and I haven't known what to say. I have come up with the usual headache/tired/sick/period excuses but it is getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore. He is getting angry and fed up. I don't want to lose him out of my life, I can't imagine life without him, but I don't want either of us to be in a sexless relationship either. I am only 27 and I fantasise about other people sexually. He is going to hate me if he thinks I have been lying to him all this time... but it is hard to tell someone else the truth when you can't even admit it yourself, and I have only just come to terms with it. What is the best thing to do?

 

 

He was 39 and you were 21 and he was out of shape back then..... You were way too young for him and still are.

 

Sorry, but I say it is time to move on..... Being harsh and I seldom use that line except for the age difference.......

LakesideDream Established Member

LakesideDream

Posted
Posted

It's not going to get any better. Sounds like this is a relationship that's run it's course.

 

No kids? Let it go. Try not to cause to much pain going out the door.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone. I have been with my much older boyfriend (18 years) for about 6 years now. He is my best friend and I absolutely love being with him - on all levels but one - physical.

Don't get me wrong, I could cuddle with him all day, but when it comes to more, I just do it so we won't fight. I know that sounds cruel. It's not that the sex is bad, I just... don't want to.

I tried to think back to a time when I was most attracted to him physically, what made me feel that way, and I came to the horrible realisation that I don't think I ever have been. He is the furthest any one man can be from my "type", he is a big man and has been saying for years that "this is the year I am going to lose weight" but never tries. However I have always been intensely attracted to him mentally. I was just 21 when we met, I had just come out of a very painful relationship, and he was there for me.

Over the past year or so he has been questioning me about the whole sex thing, and I haven't known what to say. I have come up with the usual headache/tired/sick/period excuses but it is getting to the point where I can't pretend anymore. He is getting angry and fed up. I don't want to lose him out of my life, I can't imagine life without him, but I don't want either of us to be in a sexless relationship either. I am only 27 and I fantasise about other people sexually. He is going to hate me if he thinks I have been lying to him all this time... but it is hard to tell someone else the truth when you can't even admit it yourself, and I have only just come to terms with it. What is the best thing to do?

 

Your going to have to tell him the truth. Just hit him hard with it. I've seen several guys when faced with that reality... MAKE THIS THE YEAR... and actually lose weight.

 

Secrets never help relationships.

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
Posted
Your going to have to tell him the truth. Just hit him hard with it. I've seen several guys when faced with that reality... MAKE THIS THE YEAR... and actually lose weight.

 

Secrets never help relationships.

 

 

Sure he's out of shape and 46-47.... The point is regardless of the age she was way too young at 21 for a 39 yo...... Mask it all you want.... If any of you have daughters late teen, early 20's, think how you'd react if she came home with a 40 yo (and an out of shape one at that)...... Sorry to be so shallow....

Lizzie60 Established Member

Lizzie60

Posted
Posted

A big age gap is not realistically possible for a long-term relationship IMO.

whether it's the man OR the woman who is older.

 

My first ex was 11 years older.. OMG.. he's 68 today.. and I'm still dating men 20+ years younger.. :o My last ex was 12 years younger..

 

A relationship with 2 people the same age finish in divorce.. can you imagine when there is a huge age gap.. not possible IMO for long term (10+ years)...:o

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Onionskin Member

Onionskin

Posted
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Sure he's out of shape and 46-47.... The point is regardless of the age she was way too young at 21 for a 39 yo...... Mask it all you want.... If any of you have daughters late teen, early 20's, think how you'd react if she came home with a 40 yo (and an out of shape one at that)...... Sorry to be so shallow....

 

I used to never see the age thing but I have to say I agree with you now, you too Lizzie. I don't like to admit it but it creeps me out that he is going to be 50 years old when I am 32.

 

People have started to say things too, like "THAT'S your boyfriend? Are you serious??" They think I'm kidding around. It upsets me.

 

Whenever he talks to me about his young days (my age and younger) I am so jealous that he did whatever he liked, partied and was carefree. I feel ripped off, but I cannot seem to let this guy go. Whenever we fight and he gets angry or upset with me I end up almost begging him to give me a chance. I think I have always been infatuated with him - hell when I was a baby at 21 and this older man came along he was like my hero... but now... I don't know, I have changed. He hasn't, but I have. :(

mem11363 Established Member

mem11363

Posted
Posted

Do you believe that would change your desire level if he got in really good shape?

 

Because if it will, and if you are willing to be a decent fitness/eat healthy partner he could likely get there if he tried hard enough.

 

And this is his issue. Sorry - but I have been the guy with the weight problem and it was turning my wife off so I just sucked it up and fixed it. A lot of work but well worth it. :)

 

 

Your going to have to tell him the truth. Just hit him hard with it. I've seen several guys when faced with that reality... MAKE THIS THE YEAR... and actually lose weight.

 

Secrets never help relationships.

sulads New Member

sulads

Posted
Posted
It's not going to get any better.

 

 

I guess LakesideDream is right. Besides, you only want him because of companionship, like he's your bestfriend and you enjoy the times you were with him, except having sex with him. "Real relationship" does not exclude sex as part of it.

 

Let him know how you feel, and why you need to separate ways. He surely won't agree to your decision in the mean time, but lay everything to time. Time can heal every wound you both have during this saddest part of your lives.

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Onionskin Member

Onionskin

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Thanks very much for listening, everyone. It isn't going to be easy but hopefully one day I will work up the courage and strength to end something that I know just isn't right anymore. I am not miserable, but I am not happy either.

 

The situation is heavily exacerbated by the fact that we live together (me at his house). The thought of packing my life away in front of him tears me to shreds.

Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
Posted
Thanks very much for listening, everyone. It isn't going to be easy but hopefully one day I will work up the courage and strength to end something that I know just isn't right anymore. I am not miserable, but I am not happy either.

 

The situation is heavily exacerbated by the fact that we live together (me at his house). The thought of packing my life away in front of him tears me to shreds.

 

Shall I ask if you have lived together since early on? Do you go out with his friends? Does he go out with you and your friends? Let me guess, rarely, because they are married with kids (some in university and closer to your age then his)? Does he want to have a quiet evening in, while you want to go out to a club? Does he have a job that is stressful?

 

I wish you luck.

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Onionskin Member

Onionskin

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Shall I ask if you have lived together since early on? Do you go out with his friends? Does he go out with you and your friends? Let me guess, rarely, because they are married with kids (some in university and closer to your age then his)? Does he want to have a quiet evening in, while you want to go out to a club? Does he have a job that is stressful?

 

I wish you luck.

 

We have lived together for 2 or 3 years - I lived with an ex and knew living with another bf might be a bad idea but I stupidly moved in anyway because I didn't want to leave him in the lurch (long story, he had a lot of trouble with his ex flatmate).

 

I go out on my own a lot... I like to party and he isn't really into it, plus a lot of the time I go out they are girl's nights. I feel bad whenever I go out.

riley707 Member

riley707

Posted
Posted

Ok. I am here with you. Same exact situation on my side, without the age difference.

 

What is it with being physically attracted to someone? Why in the world does this even come into play with a relationship?

 

Let me tell you this from my side. I love my wife, she was abused as a child and she is the best mother to my children in the world. When I look at her I think, "...my children are safe." But when I look at her body, I can't even begin to tell you what I think. I try and try and try to get over this but I am not at all attracted to her.

 

I never was. Love came first, and I figured the attraction would be built up over time. It hasn't....at all. And then I go onto some other forums for people in sexless marriages and I find out there are plenty of people, in their 40's, 50's and even 60's who 100% regret never finding their physical soul mate. Its too late. Waiting too long. It never came.

 

Now in my case its a little different. part of the lack of desire stems from my wife's abuse as a child. What men did to her creeps me out and it makes the whole act of making love a huge issue of drama. She is not over it, in fact...once we had kids she is actually more aware of it not than she was then.

 

You know I met a woman, very successful the other day. She is on 4 boards of directors for Fortune 100 companies and her husband is like easy 350lbs. She is stunning. They live close by. At a dinner party, she comes over to me ( I'm easy 10 yrs younger) and says, "....you know what? We're both smart. And we live close by. We should meet up sometime and just talk. I would like that."

 

Woah. Like WTF woah. She is now hunting around for young men, she is no longer attracted to her hubby and she has what....10 or 15 years left on this planet?

 

I'll say one more thing. I have met 2 other women during my career who were slightly overweight but just had an outstanding personality. 100% attracted to them like there is no tomorrow. I never strayed, but I thought to myself.....if these women are so cool, so loving and so out of shape, why in the world can't I bring that home to my wife?

 

Maybe the grass is greener on the other side? Maybe everyone goes through this and some just don't exit or think of leaving? Maybe I am too selfish? Maybe I was emotionally unable to feel deep love when I said, ".....I do..." and now that I know how to do that its too late?

 

I say these things to you so you can see you are not alone. You have 1/2 a soul mate. Some people never find love at all. Ever. Maybe both you and I should stop thinking everyone we see one the street is a 100% soul mate. Maybe it doesn't exist?

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Onionskin Member

Onionskin

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Wow, thanks Riley. Sorry to hear all that though.

rozziebaby Member

rozziebaby

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I am there on this one. I love my husband, but physically and sexually he can do absolutely nothing to please me. Having sex with him is more of an obligation than a turn on. I do it for sake of argument. The funny thing is that he knows I dont want him and he doesnt care as long as he is getting it. My situation may be different because my husband does things that have made me numb to him. Is this the case with you?

Baroness67 Established Member

Baroness67

Posted
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I am new on this forum and also read this earlier today and wanted to think about it.

 

I agree that your situations falls into a different category because:

 

1. you entered into your relationship at such a young age, and with such a huge age difference; and

 

2. you are not actually married and there are no kids involved.

 

If any of those above categories were different, I'd have different thoughts.

 

What can I say, my feeling is if you have serious love for someone, sex is secondary. Har Har, I know, from the peanut gallery, but when my husband of 20 years told me last year he was taking a hit being sexually attracted to me, my first thought was, after, you know, bursting into tears and wanting to kill my ugly self for a while ... Jesus Christ on a cracker, I guess it's great I haven't had cancer, or another illness, burns, car accidents or whatever .. just what is this marriage thing, anyway?

 

Well, this sort of talk only applies to you as to why you are in the relationship you are in. What was the bargain you made when you decided to essentially make your relationship long term? Was it that he remain sexually attractive? Because, long term, NONE of us remain sexually attractive. Not even Hef.

 

No kids, no marriage ... does what you are getting out of the relationship at this time outweigh the negatives of your getting out of it? Are you staying in the relationship for the security? Sounds like it. I mean, even if your older boyfriend lost weight, he's still going to be older, and it just kind of sounds like you want to look around.

 

If I were you, in your position, I would seriously consider getting out.

 

And just an aside WTF, your older boyfriend hasn't even done the courtesy of marrying you after all this time.

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