pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 We have been together 3 years. We wanted to wait until marriage, that's why we never had sex. This summer she lost her virginity to someone else, she told me today. She is showing remorse and she doesn't talk to him anymore for me, says she doesn't have feelings for him, etc etc. I'm going to ask her to prove this to me by calling him with me listening. I need advice on how to cope with this for myself. I don't need suggestions on leaving her or anything along those lines, though your insight and experience is very much appreciated. Remember, she didn't just cheat on me. It was her virginity, too. Something that was supposed to be mine. Does anybody have any advice? Please, I'm begging.
JaggedRoad Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I don't think what you're doing is a good idea.
quankanne Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 in the overall scheme of things, how much will this impact y'alls relationship? Granted, hanging on to your virginity was a goal and a promise ... but people change their minds along the way. It's not something you're going to be able to recover, and even though you want to get answers from the guy she did it with, you really need to be talking to HER about what this means. are you going to be able to move past this? Is she going to "go outside" the relationship for sex because you're adamant about waiting 'til marriage? Is she subconsciously wanting to end the relationship, or was it just an accident that occurred? Talking to her lover isn't going to provide those answers, and you're fooling yourself if you think it's going to make a difference contacting him.
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Are your reasons for chastity religious? If so, get some counseling with your pastor or other religious representative. How has your relationship been otherwise, prior to this discovery?
JaggedRoad Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Listening in while as she calls the guy is not going to prove anything. It's only going to temporarily calm your ego.
Author pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 That's something I have to get straight, I'm sorry. I'm not the one contacting him, she is. I'm just going to be listening. Yes, it was a mistake, she told me she doesn't understand why she let it get that far. We had been having problems at the time. I've seen in a lot of cases that when infidelity happens, the cheater does something like writing a letter to the person they cheated with telling them they're not going to talk to them anymore, and shows it to their partner to prove to them that they're sorry and willing to fix their relationship or marriage. The only difference here is that it's going to be a phone call, not a letter.
bluewolf17 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 I think Jagged Road meant buy listening in-it won't help. In fact, it might make things worst for you. Plus it doesn't matter. What matters if do you trust her? Can you recover? Why did she cheat on you? There just isn't enought information here yet. Did you guys talk about this all yet? My only advice is you have to forgive her 100%. If you can't, it won't work. Once you forive, you do. You don't bring it up. You don't hold it against her in the future. You don't act more jealous or passive agressive. If you can't do this, IT WON'T WORK. Also, don't you think she has to prove to you that she can be faithful? That she is really sorry? What has she done to prove that?
Author pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 What do you suggest, JaggedRoad? Again, I'm just asking for advice.
boogieboy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 She lost her virginity to someone else because she does have the same ideals as you do when it comes to such things. There will be many more times where there are vast differences in your ideals. She wanted sex right away and couldnt wait for you. That means she isnt really in love with you. You better let her go, because you will never be able to trust her now, and you will drive her away with your mistrust.
bluewolf17 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 If you haven't done it yet, you two need to have a long talk, and get everything sorted out. If you find your relationship doesn't improve, maybe time apart will help, Someone here suggested counseling, that might be good. How old are the both of you?
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Op, how will listening help? Anything she says will be for your benefit, and she can get in touch with him later, and tell him why she phoned. You are deluding yourself, if you think that she didn't know what she was doing. If she wasn't raped she did it willingly. Can you live with her knowing how she disrespected you? and can you ever trust her again? Only you can say. If it were me, I would kick her to the curb, because she will probably do it again. You need to stop being a doormat .
GorillaTheater Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Op, how will listening help? Anything she says will be for your benefit, and she can get in touch with him later, and tell him why she phoned. You are deluding yourself, if you think that she didn't know what she was doing. If she wasn't raped she did it willingly. Can you live with her knowing how she disrespected you? and can you ever trust her again? Only you can say. If it were me, I would kick her to the curb, because she will probably do it again. You need to stop being a doormat . I'm with BJ. Even though you don't want "suggestions to leave her", that's my advice. Forget her virginity; it doesn't even enter into the equation. This is all about trust, and the fact that it's gone now and ain't coming back. End it and move on.
Author pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 The relationship prior to this wasn't that good. We both had problems with our past and this caused a lot of insecurities between the two of us. She lied a lot about who she saw, even if it was her best friend. She's cheated on me before, she was seeing someone without me knowing. That was over a year and a half ago, though. After that, she just kept lying about what she did and where she went, though there was no cheating. I had a very hard time dealing with the fact that she had been seeing someone behind my back for months and it made me very insecure, etc. I lost trust and all that and it caused problems between the two of us. Then she had sex with that guy and told me today. The past couple of months she's been crying to me about everything she's done and tells me she'll do anything to make it up and she wishes she could take it all back. She's tried proving to me that she's no longer a liar by cutting all ties to people from her past, people she lied to me with (by choice, I never asked her to do this). She's told me she wanted to let go of her past and start over. She asked me what she wanted me to do for her and I only asked her for three things. 1) Quit smoking cigarettes 2) Stop smoking pot everyday and 3) Try harder in school Because of her lying SO MUCH in the past, I have a hard time believing she doesn't talk to him anymore, after telling me she lost her virginity to him. Also, she has bipolar disorder and was not treated at the time. I'm torn. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible and I didn't freak out on her like most people would have. She even told me herself she thinks I should treat her like crap, 'cause it's what she deserves but I know that's not going to do anything.
GorillaTheater Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Also, she has bipolar disorder Take my previous advice and double it.
Author pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 She did want to wait for marriage. Even times when we were both considering having sex, she would tell me she thought we should wait because she thought our relationship was strong enough. We were having problems at the time and she wasn't being treated (for her bipolar disorder). Also, I know we're very young. I'm currently in my freshman year of college.
JaggedRoad Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Break-up with her and sever all possible contact with her.
bluewolf17 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 You should be old enough to know better. Walk away from this. It's one thing to be married, and have cheating happen. You have a foundation and a promise of working it out. I have seen married folk get past it. But your just dating! And honestly, three years isn't that long, the girl has issues she won't deal with and she cheated on you and she is a liar. Where is the benefit? From what you posted, I don't see any love here. You should let her go, find someone who won't lie and cheat on you. Don't you deserve that?
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Dude, We are giving you the best possible advice. You have said that she cheated befor and now she has done it again. She lies to you all of the time, and is constantly going behind your back. If she calls the guy, she will say whatever she thinks you want to hear, and then will go behind your back again and either be with him, or change her story. How much information, do you need to know that she cannot be trusted? If she is your first GF, you need to know that there are wayyyy better girls, out there who are honest and faithful. It may be hard, with all of her dramitics, but you know what must be done. She will lie to you again, and will cheat on you again. For your own self-respect, you need to dump her, FAST!!
Author pullmeout Posted October 6, 2009 Author Posted October 6, 2009 Will I ever feel normal and love again
GorillaTheater Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Will I ever feel normal and love again Of course you will. I was engaged at your age and got dumped for another guy. Best thing that could have happened to me. Got married a couple of years later to a girl who really WAS my match.
carhill Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Give him a break; he's 18, in his first real relationship, is a virgin and his GF cheated on him.... OP, just take some time for the advice here to sink in. If you have religion, see someone at your church for counsel. Talk with your parents. You don't have to listen to us and you don't have to feel alone.
boldjack Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Pullmeout, Yes, you will!! You will find another girl, who will treat you better and will stay faithful to you, alone. If you were one of my sons, I would be giving you the same advice. Remember, that by splitting up, you will not only be showing that you have self-respect, and can stand on your own, but you will also be helping this girl. By losing you, she will think twice about cheating on her next BF.
CaliGuy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 We have been together 3 years. We wanted to wait until marriage, that's why we never had sex. This summer she lost her virginity to someone else, she told me today. She is showing remorse and she doesn't talk to him anymore for me, says she doesn't have feelings for him, etc etc. I'm going to ask her to prove this to me by calling him with me listening. I need advice on how to cope with this for myself. I don't need suggestions on leaving her or anything along those lines, though your insight and experience is very much appreciated. Remember, she didn't just cheat on me. It was her virginity, too. Something that was supposed to be mine. Does anybody have any advice? Please, I'm begging. Yes, but you're not going to like my advice. As far as I can tell, she wasn't forced to sleep with him. My question to you is do you want to live the rest of your life with someone you can't trust?! You waited three years and she p*ssed it away, just like that? You can't trust her anymore. The work that is required to overcome her infidelity would task even the most emotionally healthy people. Why, may I ask you, do you want to stay with her?!
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